<p>“Why did you” anything is going to sound like a criticism. Ditto “why didn’t you?” It asks the other person to justify their actions, which, in my experience, doesn’t really lay the groundwork for a meaningful conversation. If you’ve previously agreed that the air conditioning will be on for a set time period, you won’t gain anything by pointing out that he forgot to turn it off. An automatic timer is a great idea that can remove a source of stress/disagreement.</p>
<p>My dh isn’t a great communicator either. Over the years, I’ve identified the topics he doesn’t mind discussing, and I’ve figured out how to get the information I need on other topics by asking brief, well-defined questions. Yes, that puts the burden of communication on me (on certain issues), but since I’m the one who wants more spoken communication, I don’t mind doing the extra work to get what I want. </p>
<p>I have no wisdom to offer, but want you to know that you are not alone. My hubby is also like that, so I totally understand! I don’t see this changing in my marriage, so will continue to ride it out…I am sure that I have many charming traits that frustrate him as well!</p>
<p>My kids are like this, at times, some more than others, and it drives me nuts. I have to get creative and manipulative to get these things on the table,and sometimes I just throw up my hands. </p>
<p>I agree that those “Why did you / why didn’t you " questions can sound like accusations. DH is also fond of “Is there a reason you …” (My reponse is - yep there was a reason,” which I guess is sort of passive agressive on my part.) Anyway, I agree with everyone that counseling sounds in order, but you could probably also learn to talk in a way that might annoy him less. </p>
<p>Its really hard to bring up anything that another person did without saying “you”.
Im in that position right now.
Its pretty frustrating, I know.
My H often waits till last minute to do something, but then when it doesnt go according to plan, like this morning, it all goes to heck.
Sigh.</p>
<p>dont discuss things that dont matter to him (changing vets).</p>
<p>’“It is as though he refuses to be questioned.”"</p>
<p>and he uses anger to shut you down. anger is a powerful weapon. my FIL used that method early on to make sure he got his way…after a few incidents, people learned not to question/bother him.</p>
<p>I agree that the “why did you” statements can sound accusing. Maybe rephrase things like,
"let’s try to lower our energy bill by limiting the AC. Is that ok?’ and if he says yes, then suggest times when it can be off to lower costs.</p>
<p>lots of things can be going on…anxiety, depression, low self esteem, etc.</p>
<p>Yes, to family therapy, but it is likely that once there, the therapist will recommend that your H also see his own T. but dont tell your H that otherwise he may not go to family T.</p>
<p>Here’s the method my kids learned in pre-school to let someone else know how they feel without being accusatory: use this structure: I feel ______ when you ______. “I feel loved when you hug me.” “I feel cold when you turn down the thermostat to 65 degrees.” “I feel grateful when you sharpen all the knives.” “I feel confused when you walk out of the room while I’m talking.” “I enjoy it when we walk the dogs together.” “It hurts my feelings when you forget my birthday.” “I like it when you bring me flowers.” </p>
<p>Years and years ago when my kids brought this idea home from pre-school, my husband turned to me and said “I feel deafened when you sneeze loudly.” I still think of it every time I sneeze–and sometimes I manage to get out of the room before I sneeze.</p>
<p>My children learned how to use “I messages” in their Quaker school. I still find them a useful way to communicate, especially when trying to work through problems with people of any age.</p>
<p>I think you are getting some good advice, although I really doubt your husband is going to be receptive to counseling if he isn’t receptive to discussing how to find a new vet. I will admit that I personally don’t like any questions that sound accusatory myself. </p>
<p>If he has ALWAYS been this way, it must not have bothered you much while you were both dating . . .and you aren’t going to change him now, so I think you probably need to reserve discussions to those topics that are most important to you and that aren’t things you can resolve on your own. </p>
<p>I think Bunsen Burner and dmd77 are giving very good advice. I would try to keep the discussion topics to a bare minimum. When there really is something important to discuss, I would use the friendliest tone humanly possible and stroke his ego. i.e. “Oh honey, our vet just went out of business yesterday. I’m so worried about Fido. I was thinking of taking Fido to Dr. Smith, the vet our neighbors are using. I’d really value your opinion on whether I should be doing more research on this, or do you think it is okay to just go to Dr. Smith?”</p>
<p>Obviously, this isn’t a topic I’d truly bother with addressing, but the approach would be the same. You are friendly and you come with some possible ideas on how to resolve the issue. You don’t corner him or accuse him. You emphasize that you think he’s smart, and that you’d appreciate his input. And then, if he does give it, well see dmd77’s post! Be positive.</p>
<p>I have been married 25 years since the age of 23, and honestly, it is so easy to get into a downward negative cycle. You really can change how others react to you by changing yourself first . . .but it’s not the easiest and takes some repetition before the other person will respond as you hope. </p>
<p>p.s. I think a LOT of guys are not very communicative. Frankly, my husband isn’t, my oldest son isn’t, and I’m not all that much either (after watching the awful communication by my divorced parents). Sometimes, it’s okay to just let stuff go. He sounds very stressed and irritated . . .I’d think there was more wrong except for the fact that you’ve said he’s always been this way.</p>
<p>Sounds like you put him on the defensive with your questions- as others have said. It doesn’t matter if you are trying to, what matters is his interpretation. Could be spiraling downwards, too. Outside intervention- counseling- to get out of this seems needed. Notice all of my junking, wishy-washy words…</p>
<p>Something’s broken and needs fixing. Good luck.</p>
<p>The animal training thing never worked on DH. But he probably would have laughed if I tried to throw him a mackeral for good behavior.
The reason I kept him was all the good things about him. That’s what you have to assess, not just the complaints. And if there is good there, you work on the triggers. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Is it that he doesn’t like discussions presented in the form of a question or he wont talk even if you bring an issue up in a different form? If you said “I’ve been thinking about x and I’d like your opinion” or something like that, would the response be any different?</p>
The first question is not for discussion, you are accusing your husband of not doing something - turning off the AC. As far as the second question, if you are the one who is responsible for running the house because your H is working then you should have the time and know how to find a new vet, unless you have tried everything and have not able to find one.</p>
<p>I find to have a good conversation is to discuss something people are interested in.</p>
<p>I have an easier idea. Leave the guy alone! Stop pestering him about everything. Do what you think needs to be done. Clearly, he does not want to discuss things, you do. Get a friend to talk to about things.</p>
<p>One reason some of us don’t like to discuss things is that there is NO way it will end well for the guy. After enough times of beating our heads against the wall, we choose to just avoid discussions about things that are not absolutely vital.</p>
<p>Family therapy often just leads to divorce. Why? Because people who tend to go into counselling tend to be focused on the needs of the woman, not the needs of the family. She needs to talk, so he needs to change who he is. The woman now has someone ‘official’ on her side and convinces her that her life is awful because her husband does not want to discuss what color the drapes should be in the family room. That can drive her to feel vindicated and ‘right’ and rather than solve the problem, it leads to divorce.</p>
<p>Be VERY careful when choosing a family therapist. Frankly, given what you have said about him, he does not want to talk about things, so therapy is like hell for him. Probably better to work on your own issues of feeling the need to discuss everything. Maybe it is your insecurity that is the problem.</p>
<p>Also, asking why he didn’t do something is picking a fight, not discussing. </p>
<p>Maybe try something novel. Write down a list of things you think need discussion. Ask him NICELY to look it over when he has a chance and to let you know if he has an opinion on any of it. If he doesn’t have an opinion, then he doesn’t have to get into a discussion that will end in frustration.</p>
<p>It doesn’t always focus on the woman. It’s the way one vents in sessions that can ignite fires that can’t be put out. Sometimes, one partner with pent up complaints can start a tsunami that can’t be magically undone.You can’t take back what you’ve blurted out. A good therapist does not take sides. </p>
<p>If OP’s husband is under stress (at work, in life, has disappointments- or it’s just who he is) or simply prefers not to get involved in minutiae, or feels he’s bombarded with “innocent” questions, the solution isn’t more topics to cover, more bullet points she wants to discuss, etc, and just putting the issues under his nose in a different format. It may be a good idea for OP to start her own counseling first, with a goal of getting some help thinking this through, thinking about her own characteristics and ways of handling stresses. Some techniques for communicating. I don’t mean to load on OP. But the first place “we” can start is usually with ourselves</p>
<p>Sounds like he wants some “space.” The ultimate question is, imo: space as in divorce or space as in room to breathe? A good marriage can include some things we just don’t like about the other, sure. You don’t want to “throw the baby out with the bath water” or take a win at all costs approach. </p>