<p>You know my husband doesn’t like to discuss things like this either. But he has always listen to what I say or very sensitive about it, he sometimes takes it too seriously too. I wish he doesn’t take my words too seriously. I’m just a talkative person and sometimes it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just stress release for me.</p>
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<p>I guess my question would be what happens after that? If you’re discussing something that affects multiple people in your family and he’s nixing the idea without listening to other viewpoints, I can see where you’d be unhappy about that. However, is it possible he feels that he has offered an opinion and (rather than get into an argument) he’s leaving the zone to cool off but can’t because you’re following him? He doesn’t appear to be holding a grudge because you said when he comes back a few minutes later, he’s not coming back angry or acting upset unless you jump right back into the discussion. I wonder if, instead of “being heard,” part of the problem is that you and the children aren’t able to sway him to your views. If you think that’s the case, learning to compromise would probably help everyone. Even if that’s not the case, I’d respect your husband’s cue that he’s had enough for now. If someone’s had a rough day (you, him, any of the children), there’s nothing wrong with saying they’ve had enough of discussing something and prefer to address it later (as long as later eventually comes). </p>
<p>If your husband is truly yelling at the children just for simply asking a question, I would address that. If it were me, I’d have the children ask me whatever questions they had, and I’d make the decision. I’d include him, of course, and ask for his opinion, but if he didn’t want to participate in the discussion he’d have little room to complain about the results. However, I have little patience with suggestions that women should wait to initiate a discussion until their spouse is in a good mood and then address him as sweetly as they can. Stuff happens in life. I expect my husband to act like an adult, not a petulant child. I don’t walk on eggshells around other people, and I don’t intend to teach my children to do so. You can treat others with compassion and respect without giving up your self-determination.</p>
<p>I have known people (more women than men) who didn’t have enough confidence in themselves to be decisive about anything. They’d poll everyone around them (spouse, coworkers, friends) before making a decision and second guess everything. Those kind of personalities are draining. If you’re uncomfortable making decisions, maybe take on certain things and let your husband handle others. I generally handle most of our business, but my husband handles the arrangements for fuel oil delivery because comparing current market prices is something he enjoys and I don’t. We consult each other for major purchases, but each of us has control of a joint account and can spend (up to an agreed upon limit) out of theirs without consulting the other. Marriage has to have respect, trust, compromise, and some give and take to work out well. My father always said the strongest marriages were ones in which both spouses always gave as close to 100% as they could, not 50/50, because when they reached a patch where one spouse couldn’t give 50%, they’d still be meeting somewhere. However, if you’re the one constantly giving a lot more than 50% and your spouse is forever on the taking end, you may need to decide if that’s how you’re willing to spend the rest of your life. </p>
<p>And remember your spouse is just as imperfect as you(despite what you read here on CC). Why? The perfect ones are already married. :D</p>
<p>It really stinks that you can’t talk with your husband.</p>
<p>Many guys are all about doing and talking about what they are doing. They get close to others by doing activities together and talking about the activity. Very here and now. They give each other a hard time and challenge one another. Mocking, teasing…these are the guys I know.</p>
<p>Many women talk through stuff and share their feelings and experiences to get close to others. </p>
<p>For many guys this is agony. They would rather stick knitting needles in their eyes.</p>
<p>My husband is not one to discuss. It does get lonely and he is missing out on really knowing me well. But this is just not him.</p>
<p>Thank god for girlfriends. They have saved me and have probably saved my marriage by being an ear. They certainly know me in ways my husband doesn’t.</p>
<p>What I tell my kids is that you need many people in your life. One person cannot possibly gIve you everything you need. So surround yourself with various friends and you will feel whole again.</p>
<p>Find an activity you can do with your husband and see how that goes.</p>
<p>Dave berry wrote a great book describing guys. You ought to look for it. It really does help to understand them.</p>
<p><a href=“Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys, by Dave Barry”>Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys, by Dave Barry;
<p><a href=“http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,297235,00.html”>http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,297235,00.html</a></p>
<p>The best and most accurate statement is that a guy hears the first three sentences a woman says to him. The rest is just blah, blah,blah…and he is not listening. This has a great deal of truth to it. " Just tell me what to do or what you want." Then stop.</p>
<p>It’s not that they don’t love you…they just don’t get the whole discussing thing. Oh, and they are not thrilled with the whole eye contact thing. Better to talk in the car than have to look you in the eyes.</p>
<p>Think we lost OP.</p>
<p>Maybe the OP doesn’t like this "discussion. :)</p>
<p>Well, I kinda felt bad for the OP. I didn’t read everything but I felt as if she was taking it on the chin a bit. I hope she is still reading even if she stopped posting.</p>
<p>Some guys can be real jerks.</p>
<p>I wanted to ask her how he treated the children. </p>
<p>I heard my former fiancé disparage his children, but not as directly as he came after adults. One night he put down my son. I was driving son back to his campus, and he cried for the first time since he was a toddler. I pulled over, and we talked. I assured son the s/o was probably jealous of him, etc. I also told my son that I would be ending the relationship, and now he understood why. </p>
<p>I have the opposite problem. H likes to go on and on, and if we’re on the phone, I just put it on speakerphone, say “uh-huh” every so often, and keep doing whatever I was doing. Sometimes I’ll even leave the room for a minute, come back and he’s still talking. Bad, I know!</p>
<p>But I think he’s one of those people who need to process their thoughts by speaking out loud to someone else. I’m fine with that but sometimes he’ll ask me a question and before I’ve gotten 3 words out in response, he’ll just start talking again! Times like that prove to me that he’s talking for his own sake. I can tolerate that to a point, but not if he insists on holding me prisoner (like he knows I’m about to drive somewhere and I won’t use my cell phone while driving). </p>
<p>Still, we get along well and even communicate well although we have these different styles. The problem would come if one of us just fundamentally didn’t respect the other person’s style and try to accommodate them at least a bit and that’s what it sounds like the OP’s H is doing. Instantly raising his voice (on the defensive) and leaving the room (dismissing her) is not acceptable. </p>
<p>But as is often the case, we only hear from OP that this is his “instant” reaction, how soon he walks out and when he raises his voice. We really don’t know his side.</p>
<p>My version of your calls with DH is my mother. if someone other than me happens to answer, I can tell it’s her because the person here just stands there for 5+ minutes with only the occasional uh-huh. </p>
<p>My advice is: don’t try to change him if this is the way he has always been. It is a fundamental personality trait. If you can’t accept it, get a divorce attorney. I know this is harsh, but I would predict it is where you will end up.</p>
<p>“My version of your calls with DH is my mother. if someone other than me happens to answer, I can tell it’s her because the person here just stands there for 5+ minutes with only the occasional uh-huh.”</p>
<p>Ditto with my 13 year old son. When he gets on the phone with grandma he can talk non-stop for 60 minutes… meanwhile if the 15 year gets on it’s about a 3 minute call. Some people just like to talk more than others. :)] </p>
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“My version of your calls with DH is my mother. if someone other than me happens to answer, I can tell it’s her because the person here just stands there for 5+ minutes with only the occasional uh-huh.”
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<p>This is totally my MIL. when the kids talk to her on the phone, the kids would put her on speaker and this is how it would go:</p>
<p>Hi, how is school? I am sure it is going well because you are so smart. what is your favorite subject? I am sure it is math, just like your day…" and so forth…she asks and answers her own Q’s</p>
<p>Yup. Some days ok, some days not so good.<br>
“I was wondering if you are free on Thursday morning for an errand, I know you work some mornings but I can’t remember which weeks, you know my new meds make me sleepy and I was watching a movie last night, that really great movie with Kevin Spacey, it rarely comes on and my TV Guide was wrong last time they had it on the schedule and that’s really annoying because…” </p>
<p>Sorry, couldn’t resist. I’m sure was all do it at times- I hope OP is mindful.</p>
<p>I agree this seems hard on OP.</p>
<p>Also agree not everyone wants or needs to beat every decision to death. My SO sometimes calls three or four times from the grocery store to discuss purchases. I want to shout “just pick a mayo I don’t care!!!” Except of course when I do. (smile) </p>
<p>I also agree that questions like “Why did you…?” are never going to go well. </p>
<p>LOL. My mom is like that to a degree, but it is mostly facts about people distantly related or who are related to people I might have known in HS or who were her neighbors years ago. Once it gets beyond people who I directly know and care about it becomes a buzz to me.</p>
<p>Sorry sax, most of us are not really the jerks we seem to be here. The problem is that the OP seems to see only that the husband has the problem. Some of us have been in his shoes and it is easy to see why he gets frustrated and vents and tries to distance himself from the conflict. Depending upon the details, he is probably doing the right thing. She just doesn’t like his method and wants HIM to change.</p>
<p>lookingforward: I agree that a GOOD therapist does not take sides, but most do and it is not one of those things you can easily ‘shop’ for. I have an uncle who is a Psychiatrist who only does referral cases and is viewed as an expert in clinical Psychology. It is in his estimation that the vast majority of marriage counsellors take sides and cause more damage than good in many relationships.</p>
<p>@torveaux hahaha…but some guys ARE jerks. Look back 12 posts and I definitely gave you guys your due. I like guys and I really do understand guys but it took awhile.</p>
<p>I think we are being too hard on the OP and this is why she left. She just gave a couple examples and I am sure she didn’t expect them to be dissected word for word.</p>
<p>She and the kids want to talk to the guy and he walks away. She can’t figure it out and she’s looking for help. He could be the rottenest most passive aggressive jerk in the world for all we know. Or she can be badgering the crap out of him. </p>
<p>She’s looking for help. So lets help. And you, being a guy can help a a great deal. </p>
<p>.</p>
<p>Agreed. My idea of getting someone help is to have them look inward first. Once that is done, REALLY done, then start looking at the other person to see if it is them. This sounds a lot more like a situation where he doesn’t fight the way she wants to fight or ‘discuss’ the way she wants to ‘discuss’ so it is his fault. </p>
<p>Definitely not the type of thing you can get help for on an internet forum dedicated to college. LOL.</p>
<p>But some of us need to be prodded gently to look inward…not with a sledgehammer upside the head. 
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<p>…She said in an exaggerated manner</p>