<p>Okay…I admit it! I have put the happiness and well being of my kids ahead of my own. Now that they are older I am focusing on living my life. </p>
<p>I am looking to start a new career and put my needs first. Just thinking about it excites me and makes me feel less worried and responsible for my kids. Hopefully I have given them the tools to succeed and be happy as best I could…whether they have “taken the lessons I taught them about life” is their choice to make. </p>
<p>To be honest, the toughest thing I find is when they share something with me and NOT to give they unsolicited advice. I am working on that one!</p>
<p>I am starting on a brand new adventure. If anyone else has done the same or learned anything helpful along the way, please share! </p>
<p>Often when I’m tempted to give advice to my grown children or my husband or any of the many workers here on site doing a big renovation project - I just post on CC instead. Instead of popping myself with a rubber band.</p>
<p>My two are living on their own and self-supporting, so it’s easy to “put my well being ahead of their own” as long as things are going well for them. I can even keep my mouth shut if they do something I don’t approve of, as long as things are working for them.
When one of them is having difficulty in an important area of their lives, then the mom gene kicks in, and I’m there for them. Not to rescue them, but their needs definitely move up to the head of the line. If they want to talk at odd hours or want my help with something, there isn’t anything else that I care about more in “my life” that can’t wait. I don’t expect this ever to change, nor would I want it to.</p>
<p>It is really hard to figure out the balance point. As my D said with clenched teeth last fall as to why she was moving to an apartment in town, “I feel excessively mothered”. No desire here to excessively mother, but when I see things that might make sense done another way, yes, I feel like commenting, hopefully lightly, and with humor. I want them to make their own decisions, live their own lives. Yet as close adults, can we talk about things together? At this point I want comments to be a point of discussion, not an ultimatum. They can comment on my life as well, and discussion can ensue. </p>
<p>At other times I feel that I spend a great deal of energy trying to not care too much, and not express opinions. And I wonder whether this is a constant in human history, or unique to this culture, at this time. </p>
<p>When my youngest graduated from college I remember thinking that I had just been fired from the best job anyone could ever have. But I notice that while the job description changes I am still the mother. And I am in the midst of wedding planning…grandchildren (someday)…and charity work…and lots of other things. </p>
<p>Yesterday I went for a walk with one of my kids. We walked and talked about things great and small. I suddenly turned to my daughter and said the truth: that I am one of the luckiest woman that I know. Mr. Ellebud and Ihappy we have great kids, future in law children (all of whom are great and much loved)…</p>
<p>Yes, there are days when I get up and wonder what I am doing today…the first time I didn’t like the anxiety…now its an adventure.</p>
<p>I try not to be a “smother”. But it’s hard, because I’ve had all these years of training! Abandoning it cold-turkey is not easy, so I try to take baby steps. One good technique I picked up on here at CC, is to ask venting child, “Do you need help solving this, or just a good ear?” That helps me keep focused on my job in the conversation…listening or fixing. I prefer to fix… But as my kids have grown up and gone to college/work, they’ve found support elsewhere, so my input is not the sole source. I guess that’s good, and it does allow me to sit back and watch what capable young adults they’ve become. The goal of parenting, aside from raising outstanding, compassionate adults, is to work oneself out of a job. It’s just a bit sad when that happens…until you realize a whole new crop of kiddos will be on the way (hopefully!) and they will need a wonderful grandma to spoil them. </p>
<p>I’ve just switched from being a mom (though admittedly, a pretty relaxed one) to the daughter of parents with dementia. No sitting back and relaxing but having a new “adventure.”</p>
<p>Remember that just as you have to learn to back off, your child has to learn to give themself permission to make decisions without you. And to realize that everything you say or offer as advice does not have to be taken. So the learning curve works both ways and takes a little time for both ends - for you to stop butting in and for them to realize that you can make a comment but they don’t have to feel obligated to adopt it!!!</p>
<p>I still tend to give unsolicited advice/suggestions. I do it to my kids and my husband. At least I am consistent They just smile and nod. And sometimes they appreciate it. And they even sometimes ask.</p>
<p>A big turning point for me and my kids came when they started asking me how my week was going, instead of me immediately asking them about theirs. Now, we have a more “mutual” relationship - like old friends. I am still here to help out if asked, but more often than not, they are leading their own lives and telling me about it later. </p>
<p>H and I moved overseas as soon as our youngest graduated from HS. It certainly helped prevent the empty nest syndrome. I am building a new career from scratch, which helps keep me from focusing too much on the kids. In a way, I think being so far away has been good for my youngest - he has had to become more independent and self-confident, which as the baby of the family (and very spoiled), he needed to do. </p>
<p>“Excessively mothered” --best line ever! I could still use that with my own mom when I go home to visit.
Long time ago when kids were REALLY little I read an Erma Bombeck essay about kids being kites–they fly higher and higher and eventually the string breaks. From that point forward I worked on developing “me” as well as my kids. </p>
<p>My son has little need of me these days, hence the scarcity of phone calls. (He blames the 3 hour time difference, as he leaves work when I’m going to sleep). All the daily events are discussed with the g/f. That is how it should be, but I do miss him.</p>
<p>Fortunately, my work life is busy . I have plenty of clients to “parent”. I get to discuss college selections, talk over drinking in college, romantic love vs hook-ups, majors, et al. </p>
<p>abasket, funny you should mention that. just this weekend my D1 told me she didn’t want to share something with me yet because I would give my opinion and she wanted to be able to make that decision with considering my thoughts. If she heard them she knew she couldn’t discount them. So I will learn ‘after’.</p>
<p>Uggggh…it’s so tough, and I feel conflicted, when I see my DD getting ready to do something that I can see may not be the best choice. But she has made it clear that this is HER choice. So I stay quiet. And hope for the best.</p>
<p>I have never put myself behind. I took care of myslef while taking care of my kids. I have always worked, exercised, both made me happy. My kids make me very happy and my grandkids make me also very happy and I am proud of everybody. I had to find additional hobbies to fill my hours after work, gym after younger left for college. I found 3 so far and enjoy all 3 of them. One of them required classes. The other was discovered just recently - Rosetta Stone. My kids are adults, but one of them is still in school, so we are supporting her. Both have been out of house for some time. I do not think that they would listen to unsolicited advice. However, when asked we are ready to help. Teh younger one asks sometime and lots of times we have to tell her that she is an expert, not us. You can only pray that using common sense will prevail. What else one can do?</p>
<p>I’m going through that right now. I’m not real happy with S2’s college choice. My own parents would have stepped in and made me go where they wanted because “we’re paying for it.” In spite of this (but probably because of it) I’m going along with his choice. From where I sit, S2 is the one who will have to suffer the consequences if things don’t work out, and he deserves the chance to go where he thinks he will be happy. </p>
<p>Son wouldn’t let us to interfere with his life a long time ago. We still offer as much advice as we can (emails are wonderful- he’ll read them on his terms without needing to interact and get nuggets from them). He was always independent- I followed him from the car to the kindergarten entrance with the camcorder when he was still 4- early entry didn’t phase him. By HS we couldn’t make him do things such as apply to any colleges he didn’t wish to. He lets us into his life as much as he sees fit, not vice versa.</p>
They just smile and nod. And sometimes they appreciate it. And they even sometimes ask.</p>