<p>I sent a care package (chocolate cake) for my son last week. He has been at campus all summer and celeberated his birthday a few days ago. It was not delivered at the service centre of his dorm but at a centre that was further down the campus. However, on being informed by the admn assistant to collect the cake before it got spoilt- his reaction was that the cake was not worth the walk. What kept him from going was the video game he was playing in his room (I gathered that since on coming online he told me that he was trying out a new game).</p>
<p>Shall I express my hurt to him? Am I over-reacting/ overly sensitive?I have been very disturbed about his apparent indifference to my gesture and look forward to some ‘solace’ from parents at CC.</p>
<p>As a student, and a guy no less, I can say you definitely have reason to feel hurt. He could have at least come up with a better excuse then video games to make you feel better. But from his point of view, he’s probably oblivious and sees it as no big deal, so keep that in mind when you decide to talk with him. </p>
<p>If he doesn’t appreciate the care packages, then I guess the logical thing to do would be to stop sending them. But rest assured that a lot of other kids, myself included, would be jealous of a parent like you.</p>
<p>Do I understand corredtly? After a week, He still hasn’t gotten the package? Wow. how typical of young men. So many need prompting to send thankyou notes for gifts, or reminders to use gift cards. </p>
<p>I have noticed an improvement over time with various young men I know.</p>
<p>Yes, you deserve solace! After all your efforts to shop, bake, package, send, and it is not worth the walk? I would express this to him, as one day he will have a sig other that will be hurt by similar actions. He needs to hear it from you. Creating a sensitive, aware male is a project that needs constant upkeep. My 22 year old son needs similar reminders at times, though he’s coming around nicely.</p>
<p>I would let him know how hurt you felt. If you don’t tell him, how would he know? Kids brain may not be fully functional yet, but it’s your job to make it functional. I wouldn’t let my kids get away with it. When my kids didn’t do anything for my birthday one year, I let them have it. I told them that relationship goes both ways.</p>
<p>I As a parent, you think your love was expressed through your efforts: the buying of ingredients, kneading of dough, icing, packaging, taking it to UPS for sending, etc… Every step you took was an expression of your love. For him, it was just a cake.
Next time, you might consider ordering a cake to be delivered to his dorm from a local bakery. Or send him some money and let him buy his own cake when he’s finished playing his video game.</p>
<p>But yeah, he’s insensitive. He could have used a better excuse for not going to pick up the cake</p>
<p>I totally agree with Marite. You expressed your love with a cake, and to him it was just a cake. Feel free to tell him that your feelings were hurt - he probably has no clue he did anything wrong.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your wonderful suggestions. I have decided to express my feelings to him- though before doing that, I think I will give myself some time to come back to a more positive/less emotional state of mind.
And yes- I will not be sending any more care packages from now on!</p>
<p>Your son needs to know that this hurt you, or he will continue with this behavior with his girlfriends, his children, his wife, his co-workers, etc. It is our role as parents to parent - and that does NOT stop when they turn 18. It is a lesson he needs to learn. Teenagers are generally egocentric, but it is our job to help them out of this.</p>
<p>This young man needs to understand that life is a two-way street! I’m hoping his mom doesn’t let this slide? Not sure I’d label this as ‘indifference’. Seems to be downright rude, selfish and mean. I really don’t care the reason he offered or didn’t offer. Unless his leg is broken and he has no friends to run his errands, the kid should have picked up the cake and thanked his mom appropriately. A simple cell phone call, or even a quick email would have been all he needed to do. Any tech-driven kid today makes tons of calls and sends emails like crazy. What’s wrong with expecting that he include his mother!</p>
<p>If somebody sends you a gift, it is expected that you pick up the gift and acknowledge the thought behind the sending of the gift! I have very little patience with the total self-centeredness of our young people today. The sad thing…it’s mostly our fault that they are this way! Certainly don’t mean any disrespect to the OP, but if we let them get away with this kind of behavior, the behavior becomes acceptable and THAT’s simply not acceptable. Thoughtlessness and rude behavior should be called out! Maybe he won’t care even when his hand is called, maybe he’ll continue with his video game and know that his mom will just rant and rave, but send another package in a couple of weeks, but at least the message will be sent that this behavior just doesn’t cut it!! </p>
<p>MOM1957, hang in there. Glad you’ve decided call his hand and set him straight!</p>
<p>As an aside, if this had been a young woman…Is it my stereotype? Seems this kind of behavior so rarely involves girls. Are we more tolerant of rude behavior from our sons and therefore they behave this way more often??</p>
<p>Mom 1957, I feel your pain. Yesterday my S did not even acknowledge his dad’s birthday. I had reminded him 2 days earlier to get H a gift, but S said he didn’t have any money. S thought maybe he’d vacuum out H’s car as a gift instead. OK… fast-forward to birthday: S didn’t even say Happy Birthday. No card. No vacuuming car. Nothing. And he had plenty of opportunities.</p>
<p>Last night I went up to his room and told him that his dad was very hurt that he didn’t acknowledge his birthday. S says sorry, but it didn’t seem genuine. More like a “she thinks I never do anything right” attitude.</p>
<p>I don’t know why it is that some people are selfish and only think of themselves. He sounds a lot like your son. I could blame mine on bad parenting, but younger D has always been very thoughtful and never forgets birthdays.</p>
<p>I definitely think you should tell him that you are hurt. You might get a not-very-sincere sorry as a reply, but it’s better than just letting it go. He needs to learn that his actions were rude and hurtful.</p>
<p>I don’t know if this is a serious thing or one of those annoying instancers of 19 year old boys jsut being dense at odd times and in odd ways. What he did was thoughtless and hurtful, and also makes me wonder if he is maybe too devoted to those games–I would worry a bit about whether that be a problem when classes start. Maybe he did not realize the cake was from you for his birthday and thus didn’t realize the significance? Anyway if there is any way to talk about it with him it might be a worth pointing out that video games are not a prime goal in life and that real life, whether cakes and birthdays or schoolwork, takes precedence. It is not so much that you are hurt as that he will be.</p>
<p>I also think you should let your son know. In fact, it might be effective to write an email to him, so that you don’t hear any more “excuses” but that he “hears” your thoughts and that you feel strongly enough to send it in an email (and while you can be calmer!). Tell him how special you thought it would be to have a homemade cake from you on his birthday at college (I have baked and mailed a cake to my D and she does think it is special) and that for you, it was an act of love, not similar to just ordering a cake to be delivered. Tell him you put a lot of love and effort into this gesture and that you are hurt that he couldn’t find the time to walk to pick up this gift from you. Tell him you are further hurt to hear that he has time to play the video game but not to get your gift which was going to spoil. I would close with that you have learned something from this and will be less inclined to do something for him or send him things in the future. You may choose to add that you hope if he ever has a girlfriend, he’ll come to realize this is a good way to hurt a person who loves you.</p>
<p>My experience was similar first year - I would call repeatedly and say - did you pick up the package yet, knowing that I had put something timely in it - something for Halloween or something for Christmas etc. Well, many a holiday or event passed before son finally picked it up and by then I would be steaming. I expressed the time spent, the hurt, and you should do that because how else will he learn, but I have come to feel that our kids often do not “see” or “feel” the time spent because they never had to actually expend time like this before. At this age, many boys are self-centered and focused on their present life at the moment (freedom), plus they are inexperienced in recognizing what is involved in Mom making cookies, going to the po, mailing it and wrapping it all up with a lot of love because they haven’t actually ever done it themselves. Also, they expect to be loved and doted on by Mom - that has been the norm - now you are asking them to see that as a special event (smile - it is!). Boys can be pretty clueless about the emotions around gift giving. I learned quickly that I should have worked on that a bit more frankly - although I thought it was inherent in our behaviors. </p>
<p>As our children, many have been on the receiving end of our sacrifices on a daily basis and don’t have the new perspective yet. My husband and I have talked about this kind of thing a lot - we were very sensitive to our parents’ sacrifices and gestures but we were relatively poor and clearly knew our parents were sacrificing or extending themselves for us. I think our presentation as a suburban, two income family, isn’t as clear to them even though we are sacrificing! Our son is going to be a junior in college and he is much, much better but still learning. </p>
<p>I don’t send a lot of packages now - maybe 4 a year. Sometimes I transfer some money into his account for a special event and he seems to really appreicate that. Your son’s comments do make me wonder if he is still flaunting his independence, or, as someone else mentioned, seriously too involved in the videogame. I know that some of the online co-player games cannot be stopped in between without losing and that they can get wrapped up and lose time easily - hours. If that is the case he has been very honest with you - my son knows how I feel about those games and would have come up with another excuse (smile).</p>
<p>My other thought about this is maybe he was involved in something else he really didn’t want to tell you about and grabbed at videogames as a reason. Maybe he wasn’t on campus, was doing something else he didn’t want to interrupt, etc.</p>
<p>Oregonianmom- I appreciate your sharing with us a similiar experience. I am hoping though to hear an apology from my son which is sincere. Maybe I am expecting too much but I fervently wish that he will realize how his behavior has hurt and will atleast try not repeat it with his parent or any of the sig others.</p>
<p>mattmom- I realize now that I need to put across to him how hurt HE can be by video-gaming- that I am sure can soon turn obsessive. Thank you so much for putting it this way since I guess I was only concentrating on how hurt I am.</p>
<p>Soozievt- You have put my feelings in words for me. These will definitely help me to objectively and strongly express my hurt in contrast to sounding overly emotional and thereby losing the main point- which I very much feared. Thank you.</p>
<p>Panhandlegal (post #13) interesting thought about our tolerance of rude behavior from boys. I would hope if this had happened with a daughter, we’d be expressing similar thoughts. You are right, though. This happens so rarely with girls.</p>
<p>If you are so inclined to write him an email along the lines of what I paraphrased in post #16, you could also add, “…and I hope that you not become so addicted to video games to the point of shunning things that TRULY matter in your life, and the lives of others.”</p>