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Yes. I liked the by email idea, but upon further thought you should do this over the phone in order to make sure he listens to you. Since he doesn’t seem to care too much about others’ feelings, he may just skim over the email or skip it entirely.
Not at all.</p>
<p>If you’re married, it may also be a good idea to get your husband to talk to your son as well. It’s a different perspective (not to mention a male perspective), and it could be very effective.</p>
<p>You could send the email first (and hope that he reads it…use NO subject heading which may force him to see what it is about) and follow up a day later with a phone call with the same message.</p>
<p>He… turned down cake? What?</p>
<p>mom1957, if you get the urge to be appreciated for sending a care package, you can wrap up a chocolate cake and send it to me (or any other mom probably) and you’ll be showered with grateful thank-yous! ;)</p>
<p>I thought Rileydog made an excellent point: </p>
<p>“they expect to be loved and doted on by Mom - that has been the norm - now you are asking them to see that as a special event”</p>
<p>My D. points out that I am a LOT easier on DS than on her, and she’s right. There’s something about mother/son dynamics…boys really ARE less capable in some ways, so we mother them more, and then that reinforces their weaknesses in some areas. I would let him know on no uncertain terms that treating a gift that way (from anybody, not just because it was you or it is a hassle to ship a cake) is RUDE and inconsiderate. It is kind of your job to make sure he doesn’t treat a wife or girlfriend or sister the way he just treated you. I don’t know if I’d go into how hurt I am, but that’s just me…I tend to disguise hurt with anger.</p>
<p>On a purely practical note, if you feel like it, could you describe how you ship a frosted cake? I have shipped un-iced cupcakes and tubs of frosting before, but I think it would be cool to ship a cake to one of the kids. Sheet or layer? and how do you keep it from getting smashed up in the mail?</p>
<p>In a couple of weeks, I would make certain to ask him to please cash that check that was tucked in with the cake, as it’s playing havoc with your bookkeeping!!! ;)</p>
<p>I feel for you I really do.</p>
<p>I don’t think you’re overreacting at all. His indifference to your efforts to send something special to him is inexcusable, in my opinion. I don’t buy these excuses of ‘not fully functioning teenage brain’ and ‘boys needing to be reminded’. It’s rude behavior, period. And I would be sure to tell him exactly that!</p>
<p>Oh, one more thing…if you are married to DS’s dad or even if you are divorced and have a cordial relationship with his father, I’d have dad talk to him about this. This is one of those instances where if mom natters and nags about a bunch of feelings it’s going to be like the old cartoon with the dog hearing “blah blah blah Ginger, blah blah blah.” If dad makes it clear that as a man, he thinks it is important to be considerate of gift givers, it will be a lot easier for your son to understand. I am probably not expressing this very well, but adolescent boys DO take a lot of cues from older men and tend to ignore directives from women, and manners and consideration are things that I think get overlooked now–it used to be dad’s job to teach boys all the social rules about courtesy toward women and older people, and I do not see that as much anymore.</p>
<p>"just"aMom…LOL! </p>
<p>Mombot, though I have posted this before here…I will again…One of my daughter’s has her birthday while at college…two so far (17 and 18) and so I have been making her homemade birthday cakes her entire life (and used to do “half birthday” cakes too…often elaborate on theme), I wanted her to have that at school since we could not be with her. So, the first year, I just risked it and it worked and so here is what I did…I baked the cake in a rectangular pan. I kept it IN the pan and iced it IN the pan and decorated it. I taped wax paper taught over the top and then some layers of bubble wrap across the top. I put the candles in separately and then found a box that is almost the exact same size as the rectangular cake pan (like a corrugated shirt box size) and slipped it inside which meant it really could not move around. This worked great. I alerted roomie that it was coming and to make sure D checked her deliveries as it was a surprise. She truly loved it. I’ll likely do it again this year (though she doesn’t even eat cake! but it is fun with friends and it is a touch from home like old times).</p>
<p>thanks Soozie. I was envisioning a layer cake, and wondering “how do you DO that?” but I can see a sheet cake would be a lot easier to work with.</p>
<p>We mail cupcakes with icing and spoons and assorted sprinkles, and the girls loved it–they had fun frosting and decorating the cakes (and probably eating the frosting out of the tub).</p>
<p>Lots of great advice here, and I especially like mombot’s idea of having the dad talk to him.</p>
<p>I either instinctively knew something like this could happen, or more likely was forewarned by a similar story on cc ;), so what I do before sending a care package is… I ask. Would he like some lemon squares? brownies? Then I know he’ll go right over to get them when the time comes.</p>
<p>I realize that doesn’t apply to a birthday item, which you probably wanted to be a great surprise wherein he would both love the cake, share it with new friends and really feel touched. Grrr… Boys…</p>
<p>Come on over to Sinners Alley and share a sob story with the rest of us MOS (mothers of sons). There we have many sub-categories - Sons from Space, Sons from H…E…ll, Slacker Boys and so on. I’m sure we can come up with a category to handle Unappreciative Cake Receiving Sons.</p>
<p>Depends on what game he was playing, really.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t bother blowing this out of proportion. I know you’re hurt but he’s a teenage guy who’s looking at this from a totally different perspective. You’re viewing it as something wonderful and thoughtful you did for your son for his birthday (which it was) but he’s probably viewing it as ‘there’s a cake down the street for him if he wants it but he doesn’t want the cake so badly as to go retrieve the cake’. For you it’s about the emotional attachment the cake represents. For him, it’s the cake.</p>
<p>I’d let it either slide by or make some simple statement that you went to some effort to send him a cake and the least he coupld have done was retrieve it and say thanks. There’s no point to make a bigger deal out of it since he won’t understand at this point anyway.</p>
<p>^^^ However, it is time he DOES understand this point. It is never too late to learn how to acknowledge a gift, whether you are interested in the gift or not.</p>
<p>I agree with ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad. This is not an issue of cosmic significance. I’d say it’s a typical case of youthful thoughtlessness. He needs to learn some better manners, but that will come with age and a little quiet advice along the way.</p>
<p>My view is that even though it is not a BIG deal, doesn’t mean it isn’t worth making it a teachable moment and expressing one’s response to his behavior. A short email to make the point would do.</p>
<p>It is interesting to note the responses here along gender lines, however!! :D</p>
<p>
Yup. S is from Mars. Mom is from Venus. And it was ever thus.</p>
<p>JmMOM and I cross posted, but we are thinking alike…Mars/Venus issues.</p>
<p>Well, I thought it was more a case of age and generation rather than gender. But what do I know, I have three Mars in my household and on top of that, I do not bake. Ever. So my love is not of the cupcake variety :)</p>
<p>Question: when is a cake not just a cake?</p>
<p>
Yup - my response is from a male perspective - probably closer to your son’s POV except with more experience behind me of dealing with those Venusians.</p>
<p>The key is - the mom’s devastated, the son has no idea why there’d be a fuss at all. The real issue is somewhere in between so the mom needs to calm down about it and the son needs to be made aware that he should be a little more considerate which he may be able to comprehend or not at this stage of his life.</p>