<p>mstee and woody: You both made my point better than I did. Oh well. we moms seems to be of two minds here. Let it go, funny incident, no biggie versus those who think manners question should be addressed. I guess OP can decide which side of the fence she wants to land on.</p>
<p>To all: I don’t give teenagers or boys a free pass, but some behaviors do seem to be hardwired. Or maybe I’m influenced by my son’s ADD. He often can’t remember to take his ADD meds!</p>
<p>While your son’s response was very rude and hurtful, I’m wondering if this was really the first time you’ve received such a blunt response. It seems to say - “stop trying so hard mom” - or “back off.” I’m not trying to be hurtful to you in suggesting this, but the circumstances beg the question.</p>
<p>That’s never easy to hear from our kids and it’s usually not a message delivered in a gentle way. Others are right…choose between confronting him - either as angry/hurt mom, or as give me a minute to calmly tell you why I’m hurt mom, or choose letting it go. You know your son. You know if this is just one more time that he’s sending you the back off message, or if he’s just really oblivious to being hurtful and telling you to back off is the last thing on his mind.</p>
<p>After I had my first baby, a c-section, I came home, the house had cigars, take out packages, a messy bed, etc…I cried…it wasn’t just tired cries or emotion for the baby, it was that my DH didn’t “get it” or think about my homecoming</p>
<p>Fast forward to baby # 2, I came home to a clean house, clean laundry, fridge full of food…he had gotten someone to come in, but heck, he thought of my homecoming this time, which was going to be tougher with a two year old aready there, and it meant so much that he “got it”</p>
<p>When we were dating, he bought me chocolate for Christmas, fine, but it turns out he bought his mom the same box, and then I went to get it from his apartment and lo and behold, there he was with his guy friends eating it</p>
<p>Well, needless to say, he learned his lesson- the first event, he knew he really blew it, yes he was excited, but he was clueless and rude</p>
<p>The chocolate event, I just told him he owed me BIG TIME…he was a young man who was actually raised really well, but would forget and needed to be reminded sometimes</p>
<p>I see my nephew and my friend’s son, they are true gentlemen, sure they will mess up, but not more than once the same way</p>
<p>Now they call their moms to see if mom needs something from the store, they say, hey mom, I want you to help me shop for my dorm, hey mom, let me do that</p>
<p>I am not blaming moms if their kids mess up, far from it, but if moms and dads don’t say much when they do and pretend it didn’t bother them or didn’t hurt, that does noone any good</p>
<p>you don’t have to do the pity thing, but you have every right to say, hey that hurt when you didn’t much care about the cake, remember this was my first Bday without you, and it was hard for me, and while I get that you have a fun life and are busy, and I do to, you can maybe think about what i am going through</p>
<p>and H, well, he should have called his son up and read him the riot act for treating his mother so shabbily, that is what dad’s are supposed to do</p>
<p>Just received a call from my S in response to my email:
“Sorry mom- I cannot be excused for not being considerate. I think I let frustration born of other events “spill over,” so it colors everything I do. I have lots of work that has been delayed for the same reason…”</p>
<p>In the past I have many a times let things go- but I am extremely satisfied that this time I chose to share my pain on this board and took the suggestion that I wait to take any action until I was calm, keep the email brief and along with my hurt express a concern for his self-absorption and its consequence.</p>
<p>What a great resource it is to have access to the advise and support of so many lovely parents on this board. Thank you so much!</p>
<p>Further, this experience leads me to believe that I need further introspection on how much caring is “enough” as a mom of a 19 year old and a gradual Backing-Off may be in order! BTW he is our only child…I wonder if that changes anything though.</p>
<p>I’m glad it’s worked out well, mom1957.</p>
<p>Aw mom1957. Sounds to me like the response of a well-mothered boy.</p>
<p>Many many thanks - <em>smiles with all teeth showing and moist eyes</em></p>
<p>Excellent! I guess my point wasn’t that this type of behavior in a boy/man should be excused or overlooked, but simply that it is not at all surprising.<br>
As I frequently find myself saying about WildChild, “Yes, he’s a jerk, but he’s MY jerk!”</p>
<p>Great to learn that things worked out well and that the forum was of help! Congrats to all - OP and respondents/advisers! :)</p>
<p>That’s great mom1957! Well done! </p>
<p>CGM – sounds like you’ve done a great job training your hubby.</p>
<p>So the doors of communication remain open!! Yeah! But tempered with the wisdom of this experience…</p>
<p>My oldest is leaving in less than a week for college. And I think/hope that he’ll be grateful for anything we give him. But perhaps I’ll send things that aren’t time sensitive…or even just a gift card…or cash!! </p>
<p>I’ve gotten the “back off” message before too, but there always seems to be a time when they say “Mom, I really need your help with this” … or “you’re better at this type of thing than me, Mom.” I remember being 18 or 19 too…I needed my space, but I needed someone to bail me out when I was over my head. In most areas, I wanted to be a grown up, but there were still some where I needed someone more experienced to guide me. Some things are just universally true.</p>
<p>Most importantly, I think our kids need to know that we are there for them if and when they need us. This doesn’t come with a license for them to create a mess and expect to leave it’s consequences to someone else. Or with the license to be mean and ugly and not have to reconcile. Your son obviously still needs your support, but not necessarily in the same form that it’s been in previously. If for nothing else, just to know that you love him and are cheering for his success. He’ll let you know the rest!</p>
<p>Mom1957, </p>
<p>I am very glad that this has been resolved in the way I had hoped it would for you. I felt all along that expressing your feelings about his reaction (or lack thereof) to your thoughtful gesture was something you needed to let him know, once calm, and in an email where he couldn’t “argue” with you. That way, you were “heard.” That was all that was needed. He needed to know. In fact, it seems he is apologetic, understands where you are coming from, and says it was inexcusable. Mission accomplished! I have used this type of approach with one D at college who once in a while does something of this nature (well, she definitely tells me when my birthday cake arrived…but I mean something else in this category of behavior), and she will acknowledge and apologize and recognize she shouldn’t have done whatever it was. </p>
<p>While I totally agree with others to not make a BIG DEAL out of this kind of thing, I also don’t think as parents that we should just let it go. I think we need to express our feelings and be heard and teach them what is acceptable or appropriate. Yes, we can expect teens and young adults to mess up sometimes and so it is not surprising to us that they do but that should not be an excuse “just a teen,” or “just a boy.” We know why they might act this way but our job is to effect change to learning good behavior. So, you cleared the air…you let him know…he acknowledged he was wrong…and hopefully next time he thinks first about ever doing that kind of thing again. Our job as parents is not over even if they are in college. </p>
<p>My comments much earlier in the thread about gender wasn’t to do with the young adult but to do with my observation that some dads on the thread came across as in the “let it go” camp and some moms were more bothered by the young adult’s behavior. Maybe my interpretation was affected by the fact that in my own nuclear family, this is also how it would play out. I’d be the parent more inclined to let the kid know, “this was not OK.” Again, while I can understand that kids mess up, it doesn’t mean we have to accept it, but rather we can use the moment to train them to not repeat such behavior. Once it is mentioned to the kid, then time to let it go.</p>
<p>I find myself saying to my teen son on occasion, “Someday your wife will thank me for this.” 
It lets him know that I am not making an issue purely for myself, but for the benefit of his future relationships.</p>
<p>Soozie–your second paragraph summed up my view exactly.</p>
<p>Mom1957–great outcome! Sounds like with a teachable moment, something go taught. Hurray!</p>
<p>Soozie- I have also experienced more often than not a situation where I have found myself as “wanting to do something” versus my Hs “let it go” when I need to express my disapproval on our son’s behavior. I guess this was one of the major factors that made me seek advise on this forum since I was not entirely comfortable with the idea of feeling hurt and not doing anything about it! Though all situations may not warrant a forceful hand but I agree that as a mom I need to communicate my displeasure in a manner that does not snowball into an emotional tug of war. I’ve realized with time a parent needs to continually evolve his/her skills since one is dealing with another adult now (once a child) and newer issues come into play. I am glad I could express my feelings in an appropriate manner to my S and also believe both my son and I have learnt something valuable from this experience.</p>
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<p>This is very good!!</p>