<p>Don’t worry. I’m sure your cake didn’t go to waste. Some other inconsiderate teenage guy probably came along and ate your kid’s birthday cake.</p>
<p>Mom1957: I second the advice in post 51 above–very well-reasoned.</p>
<p>I completely sympathize with you because my stepson lived with us from 19-21 and he was also a “rude, selfish, inconsiderate jerk” almost all of the time. </p>
<p>Keep trying…things change…young twerps grow up. My stepson is now a married man of 26, doing well in the Navy, taking wonderful care of his lovely wife who has been fighting cancer for several years. They send me beautiful flowers every year for Mother’s Day with nice notes. He is very appreciative of anything we do for them now. I would NEVER have believed this back in the midst of his living with us. So take heart–if our guy can turn out so well yours can too.</p>
<p>I don’t have sons and I understnad that people “mess up”, however, this was not just messing up, it was a deliberite snub</p>
<p>I have daughters, and if you think girls don’t mess up, please, they do, but I don’t just say, oh they are teenagers, they can not call, they can show up hours late, they can not follow through</p>
<p>Yes people mess up, but unless you call them on it, they won’t learn</p>
<p>If the OP said nothing, because, gee boys mess up, what does the Son, a grown man, learn? Nada…he will do it again, because he didn’t get the message that his behavior was wrong and rude</p>
<p>I get that people mess up, do stupid stuff, but I don’t get the concept that it is acceptable because it is a phase, and their brains aren’t developed, so let it go</p>
<p>If a three year old can say thank you, and put his toys away, then a 19 year old man can get a cake mom sent him without some excuse </p>
<p>And they do grow up, but they don’t get to be gentlemen by themselves, it takes moms and dads and aunts and uncles and mentors to teach them that</p>
<p>When we meet people, we shake hands, that isn’t some natural thing, that is something we teach our boys and girls</p>
<p>Someone said they were glad I didn’t have sons because they mess up, well I am glad I am married to a Man whose mother taught him on how to behave and when he did mess up, he didn’t get away with it, just because he had testicles</p>
<p>Another thread discussed “why are kids so mean?” I said just look at their parents. Same for “why are kids so insensitive?” - just look at their parents. Kids will behave how their parents allow them to behave.</p>
<p>I tell my Ds about their future mate - go visit the family, see how the father treats the mother and that is the way you will be treated.</p>
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<p>I don’t think that anyone here is suggesting that the OP say nothing. We pretty much all agree that the boy needs to learn some manners and maturity. But the OP has some choices here. She can choose to blow this into a Major Issue. Walk around feeling devastated. Pitch a hissy fit. Nurse grudges. Allow scars to grow on the family over this. Or she can lovingly but firmly set her son straight and then move on from there – as Cheers did in post #55.</p>
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That’s the message I’m getting from the majority of posters, too. And I agree. Just wish I could follow that sage advice myself every time something like that happens. :).</p>
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Coureur, </p>
<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad suggested “[letting it slide]” in post #32 or making a simple comment. You agreed. I got the sense from both of your posts that you think the OP would be well off either making a small comment or just ignoring it and doing nothing.</p>
<p>Emphasis is my own in order to point out the parts of the posts that have been generating recent discussion:</p>
<p>*ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad post #32:
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<p>Coureur post #34:
*</p>
<p>Thanks for keeping folks honest, Corranged.</p>
<p>And Rileydog, yes, i do have a son, which is why I know they don’t have to behave like this. </p>
<p>We’re not talking about forgetting to pick up the cake; according to the OP, we’re talking about “sorry, Mom, i don’t have time to, i’m busy playing video games.” If some people can’t see the difference,that might explain things.</p>
<p>I often find myself the opposition. I wouldn’t make an issue of this. I think young people have serious issues to deal with – life building is just so difficult. And teenagers do have a bit of developmental narcissism. </p>
<p>I would bend over backwards to not take this personally (though I’m sure that would be my initial reaction, too.) When I let things go I’m amazed how much space opens up in my relationship with my kids. They don’t always give what I want in the way I want it, but they give in most unexpected ways.</p>
<p>I tried to cook nutritious by the book meals and no one would eat them so kids began fending for themselves with salads, pastas. I mention this because my daughter has told me that she was relieved that I never tied eating my food to their acceptance or rejection. If you know that he loves and values you let him grow into his own way of expressing it.</p>
<p>And sorry garland because I love you and your posts, I do sometimes think guys are from a planet even further away than Mars.</p>
<p>I sent S1 a care pkg. his first week of freshman yr. He had to search out an office in another dorm to pick it up which he did (and said a halfhearted thanks) but let me know that it was a bother for him to go search it out and that I really didn’t need to go to all that trouble to send him stuff. I said “Ok, fine” and have not sent anything since. </p>
<p>OP, I know your feelings are hurt. My were too at the time. Let your S know that his reaction hurt you and that you would hope in the future he treat you (and others) with more consideration.</p>
<p>boy we don’t give 19 year old males much credit, we can send them to war, they can vote, they can work, pay taxes, get married, get a credit card, drive, have sex, date, negotiate to buy a car, but heck, they are too immature to have some manners</p>
<p>the OP has every right to be disappointed in the man she has in college</p>
<p>to those that say, eh, let it go, would you accept the same attitude, which is what we are talking about from your 14 year old son or daughter? oh I was too busy playing on the computer to bother to get something mom sent</p>
<p>so if this young Man, again, he is not really a teen, treats mom with such disregard, how do you expect him to mature? by letting him think that his behavior is okay?</p>
<p>Yeah, I would not take it personally if it were my daughter either. Just about everyone I know has hurt me at some time, but when I found out what they were thinking it was usually far away from what I projected. This also happens in reverse. Occasionally my D, who is very sensitive, is hurt by actions of mine that I never imagined would hurt her.</p>
<p>I still think a thick skin and a wide berth works best. </p>
<p>I admire anyone who can allow cake to languish.</p>
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<p>Tales of the long-suffering mother will not do much for family relations.</p>
<p>If this is in fact urgent conversational material, clearing the air with a sense of humor, some perspective, and (important!) brevity, should do the trick.</p>
<p>I feel extremely overwhelmed by so many warm words, valuable suggestions and comfort in hugs!</p>
<p>Thank you all.</p>
<p>I have had a discussion with my H on my feelings and he had been of the opinion that I should let this slide ( a gender issue?) because for a 19 year old boy receiving a cake as a gift is no big deal. But on reading all the posters, I am convinced that we as parents are responsible towards making our son MORE sensitive and considerate. Hence I am sending a brief email to my S to express my hurt and I hope not to turn this into a Major Issue.</p>
<p>As Cheers has written in her poster- I too will take this as a cue to move on and plan not to send another care package.</p>
<p>Making a family in-joke of this to gently rib the child (now and over the coming years) about his presumption might be better than creating a bad taste with associations of injury and atonement. </p>
<p>The kid will probably get the point if not now then later, and may (years from now) appreciate in hindsight, his fortune in having a mother who cared enough to send any package at all.</p>
<p>Ha, up late . . . I was thinking that taking the <em>girlfriend</em> approach might be the best – saying something, like, I know you may not realize this, but these actions affect women a certain way, and you might as well know that, it could help you in a future relationship with a girl, be it a friend or a girlfriend. </p>
<p>One of my sons in particular, has expressed a curiousity about how women think. It is obviously NOT the way he thinks . . . I remember once when he was fairly young he was reading a women’s magazine, can’t remember which one, but something along the lines of Good Housekeeping, because he thought it might give him a clue about females.</p>
<p>Mythmom-- thanks for the kind words; I enjoy your posts, too. </p>
<p>Of course I agree that males and females are not the same; most would agree that men are more agressive, and more likely to be violent. But that doesn’t mean we would say, well, he’s male, what can you do, when someone beats someone up. We have invented a civilization which teaches that first instincts are not always right ones. </p>
<p>This young man obviously is not acting violently. He is acting selfishly, putting his personal comfort ahead of anothers, and not being reticent to let her know he’s done that. That’s plain bad manners. it doesn’t matter if he gets why the cake was important to her, or how much work she put into it.
It only matters that he, as a functioning adult, see others as as real as himself.</p>
<p>I don’t buy the guy excuse, or the teenager excuse. My own guy, when a teenager, would have known better than to be casually callous like that.</p>
<p>So i think the OP is doing exactly right, to keep being a good parent by gently, and with humor if possible, teach him that this is not civilized person behavior. Basically,everyone seeing others as real people is what makes the world habitable, to me.</p>
<p>Hmm…cake and care packages as metaphors for our ever changing relationships with our children.
I say either let it go, make it a “joke”, don’t send another one too soon or don’t put too much effort into it. (Whose needs/wants are we filling here, anyway?)</p>
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<p>I stand by my posts here. In both of them I said that the boy needed to learn better manners and that some quiet comment or loving but firm advice was in order. The point I was agreeing with ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad on was that this should not be blown up into a Big Deal, which the OP has wisely decided not to do (post #74).</p>
<p>One of my thoughts – at least he’s honest. 
He didn’t have to tell you that the reason he didn’t pick it up was because of a video game. </p>
<p>That kind of stuff can make me crazy sometimes, and other times, it makes me laugh. I mean really, their explanations for their behaviour – Oh yeah, well, you know, I couldn’t pick up the cake because you know, I had this urgent urge to play video games. Say, WHAT? </p>
<p>I mean, once you get over the hurt, and let 'em have it for being so <em>out to lunch</em>, you just gotta laugh. The kid is just clueless, that’s all. I can’t help thinking along the lines of a ZITS cartoon here.</p>