<p>Every time I meet a nice guy who is funny and smart I am not attracted to him. I seem to always be attracted to either guys who are not attracted to me or ones who are unpredictable - like say they will call and then don’t. </p>
<p>What is wrong with me? It seems that when a guy likes me I don’t feel excited or care if he calls again.</p>
<p>Are there any books or advice that anyone has for me. I’m worried that I am losing out on a potentially great relationship with a really nice guy because of this. Help!!</p>
<p>Humans long for things they can’t get often. Put a few toys on a table in front of a baby, take one away and the only toy he now wants is the one you took from him. Something you already have is not attractive, something that’s not within reach often is.</p>
<p>You are attracted to the unattainable, or you don’t think highly enough of yourself to demand better treatment than a guy who doesn’t care about you enough to keep his word. I don’t ever think therapy is a bad thing. We can all use a tune up occasionally, and maybe a therapist could help you get to the bottom of this. Really, it’s far better for you to be with the nice, funny, and smart guys than to spend a lifetime with inconsiderate jerks who just don’t and can’t love you. You don’t have to be with someone who fawns all over you, but one who is kind, considerate, smart, funny, intelligent, and has his own life apart from yours. A guy like that can still be a challenge and it beats the heck out of being demoralized all of the time. I wouldn’t waste 5 minutes on a guy like that.</p>
<p>I went through a stage like that when I was in college. I was attracted to “bad boys”. (Please tell me you’re in college!) I think it’s fairly common and most women “outgrow” this problem. The first step is recognizing the problem, so congratulaltions. </p>
<p>From the nice guy’s perspective, I’ll tell you that this is common and frustrating. Nice, smart, and funny sums me up pretty well. Throughout HS, college, and into early adulthood I always lost out to the “bad boys”. Now that I’m in a stable, commited relationship and therefore safe and unattainable, I’m apparently more desirable than I ever was before. DW’s single friends ask where the single guys like sherpa are. The truth is when you’re younger they’re a dime a dozen, but if you wait a few years they’ve all been snatched up and only the bad boys remain.</p>
<p>Do you have a tendency to go for super good looks over substance? I think many women and men do this. So, the nice, but more average looking, folks get over-looked.</p>
<p>I was somewhat guilty of this in high school. I was a cheerleader and tended to date the cute jocks. When I got past that stage, I realized that a lot of those types never felt the need to really be nice, thoughtful, etc, because they were in such demand.</p>
<p>I doubt there’s a book that would help; it’s just the way we’re genetically wired. I think most people get over this sooner or later. The sooner, the more options; the later, fewr options.</p>
<p>Maybe try this: Next time you’re sizing a guy up, try to imagine him in 20-30-40 years instead of Friday night. Boring, I know. The guy with the dorky sense of humor will still make you laugh; the guy who might “wow” you with his “power” now will probably still have the power, but the wow will be gone.</p>
<p>Have you read The Game by Neil Strauss? If you haven’t, you should. It is about the author’s journey into the world of pickup artists. </p>
<p>I’m not saying that they type of guys you date are likely pickup artists, but your preference for “bad” guys is very much in line with the pickup artists’ view of women. I won’t go into specifics, but I think reading this book will change your attitudes toward jerks…</p>
<p>All I can say is that there really ARE nice guys & gals out there. Wish folks would spend some time with them instead of always going for the “bad,” irresponsible, quirky ones who treat folks poorly. My kids fortunately have always had great taste in friends & I hope this holds true as they start having more serious and lasting dating relationships.</p>
<p>You cannot change yourself. Just accept who you are and do your best under circumstances. We all do this, nothing could be done. We are who we are, changing that might cause psycho problems, and that will be more of a problem than yoyr current one, which is no problem at all.</p>
<p>I don’t think that’s true. But even if you subscribe to that belief, it’s definitely true that you can emphasize different parts of your personality. (That’s what parents try to do with their children.)</p>
<p>I’m sure there are some unfortunate people who cannot change themselves, but most people who have even a moderate amount of self-awareness certainly can, and do, make changes in themselves throughout their lives.</p>
<p>Thanks for having the courage to post your question. I believe people can change themselves, and I think having someone to talk to (a therapist or social worker) could help you a lot. You might get some insight after just a few sessions. Since you say “I seem to always be attracted to either guys who are not attracted to me or ones who are unpredictable - like say they will call and then don’t” you should find out why that is. Do you feel you don’t deserve better treatment? Are the “bad boys” more exciting than the reliable ones? </p>
<p>As far as books go, I’d read “Smart Women, Foolish Choices.” You’re right to wonder about this now, before you get into a serious relationship. I passed up quite a few nice guys who loved me and married the unpredictable one. Today’s our anniversary. Guess what we’re doing? Nothing. It’s not a milestone – last year was. Guess what we did then? Nothing.</p>
<p>There is no need to change yourself and there is no need to adjust your personality. It is not some trade that we learn or skill. It is who you are and there is a great need to stand on your own and hold your own ground. Otherwise, trouble follows. You will end up at the wrong place with the wrong people around you (at least you will feel this way for the rest of your life, and it is not a good thing, we live only once). But again, everybody is free to do whatever they want with their life, it is theirs with all trimmings…</p>
<p>Yes people can change themselves. This is a wonderful, healthy thing to do, when you recognize that choices you make are not good for you. Congrats for being so insightful and self aware.</p>
<p>Read this site to understand why: heartiste.■■■■■■■■■■■■■</p>
<p>His theory is that women are attracted to alpha males, because by mating with them, they have a better chance of having sons that are alpha males who can attract women, and continue their genetic line. “Nice guys” can’t be alpha males, because they are placing things like consideration of a woman’s feelings above their own ultimate goal of mating with attractive women.</p>
<p>A lot of people find this site to be misogynistic and mean, but as a mid 20s sort of book smart/nerdy guy, I found this site incredibly helpful in learning what really makes women become attracted to men, and what doesn’t, and how phrases like “he’s so nice!” is code for “I’m not attracted to him”.</p>