<p>You mean like poverty, addiction, abuse, unplanned pregnancies, single parenthood, regular interaction with the justice system … those sorts of trimmings?</p>
<p>Long time ago I used to be attracted to not nice guys. Actually, what the deal was, we both were afraid of a relationship - cause those are a lot of work!
So I was drawn to guys who juggled women, because that pretty much guaranteed that they weren’t going to make more expectations on me than I could fulfill.</p>
<p>I was never comfortable with guys that were obviously crazy about me, my H is much more circumspect about that, so I was more drawn to him. But I wasn’t consciously aware of this about myself, despite that I all but turned and ran the other way when faced with someone that was ready for more than I was.</p>
<p>When I met H, he had just ended a long term relationship that was getting much more serious than he was ready for, and he was in the mood to go very slow- which was exactly what I wanted.
Once we had been together many years, I thought I wanted him to be more open emotionally. But when he went through counseling and started writing me love letters and having a coffee cup made with my photo etc., I absolutely freaked out and asked him to stop.
:o
I’m actually much more comfortable with what amounts to foreplay in Texas.
You know, when they open the door of the truck for you. :D</p>
<p>My point is, it helps to know yourself, because sometimes what we think we want, and what we are actually trying for, are two different things.</p>
<p>I agree with MiamiDAP. It’s really hard to change who or what you’re attracted to. There’s bound to be at least a few nice women out there who are as hopelessly unattractive as I am and therefore perhaps more willing to settle for me, but to be honest I’d rather remain single than be more than just friends with someone whom I find unattractive. I think most if not all of us have some sort of standard, physical or not, for attractiveness in a mate.</p>
<p>I get the ‘crowded’ comment totally. I remember when I was young so many “nice” guys just made me feel smothered…as if they wanted to live in my life. It felt like they were always ‘there.’ The one thing that would turn me off entirely was the guy where I would say “what do you want to do tonight” and the answer was “I don’t know what do YOU want to do I just want to be with you anything is fine” and they are just there like an appendage… I remember just thinking I can get a dog or cat…and my mother would fret and ask me “what about so and so, he’s no nice” yada yada…thirty years later I sometimes wonder what life would be like had a married one of the nice guys as they still seem well so nice. I married one of the “bad boys”, a proverbial diamond in the rough that alot of girls were attracted to and he’s a handful still after 25 years but I know he married me because I am so independent and I sometimes still to this day wonder how it all happened but that has also been the key to our marriage…space to breathe and an unshakeable trust in each other that when we do need each other there’s no question. We were also almost thirty when we met so he was tired of being chased and I was getting tired of the dating thing and the bar scene. The stars and the moon aligned. So, uhmm, I’m also one that always fell for the bad boy but it worked out for me.</p>
<p>I wonder how much of that is the influence of parents insisting their sons be “gentlemen” taken to excess. </p>
<p>My older aunts and parents…especially dad insisted on me allowing the woman I was dating to make all the decisions “to be a gentleman”. Fortunately, I learned quickly that doing so caused many to peg me as “indecisive” and “having no mind of my own” when I’m actually the complete opposite. To be somewhat fair, they were partially doing so because I tended to be a bit headstrong and not listen to anyone when I was around 11-15. </p>
<p>Once I learned not to pull what you described above…I also had to make sure I wasn’t effectively coming across like the “my way or the highway” type…especially if the woman I was with was acting in ways which reminded me of my jerky authoritarian teachers which tends to set off my anti-authoritarian rebellious streak.</p>
<p>One is either attracted to another or not. If you now the answer to Why, then IMO, it is NOT the real thing, you convinced yourself that it is a right person for you. That is not what one is looking for, this is an awesome for frienship, not for what OP is looking for. It is a bonus if a person is also very nice, sometime it is not the case though. The truth is brutal, but one has to face it and decide with very honest heart.<br>
Well, maybe I am a bit more in synch with “Noterbook” type of relationship than most others. Some would consider this movie a “bad taste” anyway as I was accused of “bad movie taste” before. Again, I do not care, I love what I love and I am NOT going to change myself. This is the only way that works for me. Honesty with your own self is the most important for me.</p>
<p>There is no harm in having bad taste in movies. To the contrary, there can be great harm in being attracted to abusive, toxic, unhealthy people.</p>
<p>Just stop worrying about what attracts you. That really isn’t the point. Start paying attention to what guys you care about, as in worry that they are happy or wanting to know that they are okay. There’s too much focus, in my view, on finding that partner who completes us vs. finding the human being that you simply love and care about. It’s hard to express, but the real fulfillment comes from caring.</p>
<p>My advice is to become good friends with nice guys. Sometimes attraction developes later in a relationship, when you are not even expecting it. Then you have it all.</p>
<p>“So, uhmm, I’m also one that always fell for the bad boy but it worked out for me.”</p>
<p>My niece was stabbed to death by her “bad boy.” In all fairness, it was clear to everyone but my niece that this guy was trouble. Young love, you know. There’s obviously a huge difference between “I don’t want to marry an accountant” and “I’ve been corresponding with this guy in Attica.”</p>
<p>It sounds like you’re attracted to people who don’t like you. That’s MUCH different than not being attracted to the “nice guy”. Many bad boys will return your calls. Which is it? The bad boy or the uninterested boy? Two completely different things.</p>
<p>There are two embedded concepts here which you think are the same but aren’t. Humans have an amazing, chameleonic ability. I know someone who used to hate technology with a passion, but since dating a software engineer is now more of a technophile than I am. Even after they broke up for years now. You may not acknowledge it, but you’ve changed plenty about yourself to be with your partner. Nobody survives in a relationship long-term by stubbornly insisting they won’t change anything about themselves.</p>
<p>And FYI, I can identify why I like almost everything I enjoy. It’s called introspection, and there’s nothing fake or evil about it. It’s no different than discovering more about yourself that most people require years of therapy to bring out. And once you know exactly what the deep seated rationale is, you can divert it.</p>
<p>^Again, this is the difference between people, we are not the same. I absolutely CANNOT identify WHY I like something and why I do not. I am very stubborn and do only what I love. For that reason, I have changed my profession drastically after being in a wrong field for many years and not being able to make myself to like it. Again, this is me. To have a relationship where you hope that you eventually may become attracted is a huge risk. Yes, you may, and it will be very fortunate thing, but what if you will not and waste your life just hoping…very sad to even imagine that…
I am thinking about my hobby. I truly do not have any idea why I absolutely have to be doing this activity and the same is true for all around me. Everybody is ansering in the same way: “it is very addictive”, sorry to disspoint, but I am not talking about anything that you put into your body, not a drug, not an alcohol, and not even exersice, everybody knows that all of them are addictive. I am talking about one type of art.<br>
When you love, you are also addicted to this person…and sometime, unfortunately he/she might not be nice.</p>
I am not sure whether this was in response to my previous post. I was suggesting that OP should become “just friends” with some nice guys, not enter into a more involved relationship. Sometimes, love can develop between platonic friends. If not, no loss… as you are not expecting more. Plus, your platonic male friends may just introduce you to similar men, who hopefully you may be attracted to.</p>