<p>
</p>
<p>But my parents don’t know much about that, so :/</p>
<p>^^^^Perhaps they are more intuitive than you realize.</p>
<p>Well, that ruins some things.</p>
<p>First of all, let me start off by saying that I am an immigrant (at a young age), so I am from a family of immigrants.</p>
<p>I am also a woman.</p>
<p>And it really bothers me how “cultural differences” are often used as excuses for the mistreatment of women, because no one wants to criticize a different culture. I think all cultures have things we can probably learn, but all cultures also have their ugly sides, and there is no reason to say “oh, it’s OK, because it’s cultural”.</p>
<p>Forcing or pressuring a girl into an arranged marriage is WRONG. Treating a girl differently than a boy by allowing her less freedom is WRONG. And by the way, forcing your children to accept your culture is also wrong in my book - at some point, they should have a choice.</p>
<p>OP, I don’t have great advice other than hang in there. If it were me, I would probably not put up with it and move out right after high school, but I know it may cost you your education, so I won’t encourage you to do it. Also, I am significantly older than you, so I know I am looking at it from a different prospective. No matter what, I would be prepared to make a break if the situation becomes really bad (like being forced or pressured into a marriage - no education is worth that). For now, hang in there, but realize that it’s not OK for you to be controlled, just because you are a girl - keep that in mind not only with your parents but in your relationships.</p>
<p>Some parents ARE controlling - not all parents know best, and just because someone is a parent doesn’t mean excuses should be made for them.</p>
<p>I do think it’s hard to deal with this. But at 17 or so, your own issues may feel more obvious than your peers’. </p>
<p>I took you at your word that you intended to stay st school. But also the anger. </p>
<p>Acollege: for me, it’s not making excuses. Not saying, “tough luck, babe.” OP needs to make her best decisions and prepare for that. </p>
<p>I am also from a family of immigrants. My mother never lost her anger, did leave her family. But didn’t achieve all she could, because she was running from, making decisions in opposition. Recognizing how anger can stymie us is not saying things are OK.</p>
<p>migraine,</p>
<p>" it does seem that most people tend to at least have somewhat good relationships with their parents, especially when they’re older"</p>
<p>Yes, it does get better. But getting there is going to take time.</p>
<p>Are you the oldest or do you have siblings?</p>
<p>I grew up with older siblings, who during their teenage years challenged my parents in every way that by the time my turn came, I avoided doing many things (with no regrets either, no dances, no visiting friends homes, no sports, no driving, etc.) during HS because I really wanted to avoid no-win confrontations. My goal was college and I was truly grateful that my father paid for my education (very few college choices) and allowed me to go (he did not believe in college).</p>
<p>I did not “burn any bridges”. Spoke no words that would haunt me later.</p>
<p>I believe that my attitude, a bit passive during HS, non confrontational, helped me get through living at home.</p>
<p>After college, I did return to live at home for several more years. My relationship with my parents improved a little, but mostly by then I had learned to understand them and knew how to adapt and manage to get what I wanted. </p>
<p>You’ll have to deal with difficult situations throughout life. Maybe learning now during High School is a bit sooner than most. Choose your battles carefully (hopefully they are few), but mostly learn to adapt (choose your words carefully) to get what you want.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t know that anyone is making excuses for these parents, simply trying to figure out where they are coming from and possible reasons for their actions. Figuring out why someone does something is not the same as excusing it.</p>
<p>^^^I agree, but it’s a fine line to walk. Sometimes when all you know is one way of life, what you really need is for someone to come along and say: “You deserve to be treated better. You don’t deserve to be controlled or be apprehensive about having your life decisions (marriage, career) made for you into adulthood.” I think it’s hard enough for women from very ‘conservative’ backgrounds to break out, and I think it’s helpful to hear that it doesn’t have to be that way.</p>
<p>"I am also from a family of immigrants. My mother never lost her anger, did leave her family. But didn’t achieve all she could, because she was running from, making decisions in opposition. Recognizing how anger can stymie us is not saying things are OK. "</p>
<p>I get that, but in some situations even just breaking away is accomplising a great deal. Maybe her anger was too deep - I obviously don’t know her, but maybe that’s also what it took for her to get out. I find that people who are very understanding (vs. just saying that it’s not OK, no matter what) often don’t get out, either from a bad family situation or bad marriages, etc.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>No one here is suggesting that the OP be forced to marry anyone. We are talking about her parent exercising her right to require her minor child to remain at school rather than be allowed to leave campus. All parents have issues where they are enforcing rules and the child calls it “control.” I think it would be helpful for the OP to understand why her mother did this rather than just be ticked off about it. It may not make her agree with it, but at least she may know the basis for it, which may help her figure out how best to react to it.</p>
<p>Nrdsb4,</p>
<p>I know arranged marriages aren’t the immediate issue at hand, but OP DID say that her parents would choose the “pool” of marital candidates for her to accept/reject.</p>
<p>So they are applying control in that area as well.</p>
<p>I agree, just having your kid confined to campus is not necessarily over the top.</p>
<p>In this case, it sort of appears so because of the OTHER factors involved - no tank tops, not being able to go anywhere without her parents even after school, not able to select a marital partner on her own, etc. etc…sort of a pattern of control.</p>
<p>And I agree, it helps to understand WHY the rules are what they are so that you can formulate your own ideas about the rules and the appropriate response.</p>
<p>Again, as another poster said, I don’t think it was just her mom calling the principal - I think that was the last straw…this is anger and resentment that is just reaching the boiling point - which I don’t see as unusual for ANY 17 year old.</p>
<p>Most kids OP’s age are beginning to want to exercise a lot more freedom and are becoming very annoyed with their parents’ rules. That’s sort of natural and normal.</p>
<p>I can remember telling my own kids their senior year, “Just bear with us a few more months. I know it’s difficult. We’re going to have to be patient with each other!”</p>
<p>migraine - I can sense your embarrassment and I am sorry that your mother did this without first discussing it with you. </p>
<p>As a side note, I really must say that a lot of stuff can go wrong when kids leave school early - even “good” kids with good intentions can accidentally find themselves in situations where none of the available choices are wise!</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Well, even more so when the rules include stuff like not being allowed to have friends of a different race.</p>
<p>Regarding the marriage, the parental matchmaking of spouse candidates for the kid’s approval seems to be pretty common in some cultures (for both male and female kids). However, many of the parents do not mind if their kid finds his/her own spouse. The difference may be whether the parents think they are doing the kid a nice service by just presenting additional spouse candidates, or trying to impose their preferences (which may include restrictions on such things as race, religion, social class/caste, etc. that the kid has a less restrictive view on) on future in-laws on the kid. It does appear that the OP’s parents are more of the latter.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Exactly. Frankly, I have very little sympathy for people who choose to move to a new country and then want to have as little contact as possible with the people of that country and their culture. When my family lived abroad, my mother never belonged to “American Women’s” clubs, and I attended a regular school, not the American School. Admittedly, these were countries in Western Europe and the school was in England, so there was no language barrier and far less cultural conflict, but there were plenty of Americans who nevertheless clung to each other and made few if any friends outside that ghetto. </p>
<p>OP, I echo everyone else’s advice: keep your head down and your mouth shut until you are out of the house. Even in college, do not make it obvious to your parents that you disagree with them on matters of religion. You don’t want them to cut you off. Work on ensuring that you can be self-supporting. Eventually, your parents may mellow a bit. I’m sure that they love you, and want to preserve a relationship with you. Try not to do anything that forces them to confront things they don’t want to see–until they are able to see them. Many, if not most, of us conduct some aspects of our lives in ways our parents would disagree with. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.</p>
<p>^^^Agree with all.</p>
<p>I would bet that all of us rejected at least one or more of our parents’ values. And they did the same as they came of age. That’s what happens when you grow up and begin thinking for yourself vs. just blindly accepting.</p>
<p>OP, are you planning on going away to college? Are your parents going to dictate your college choice? Are they paying for college?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is what the OP said in one of her posts on this thread about college. Sounds like she will not have to live at home and they will likely be providing some funding (given family history).</p>
<p>Oh, ok, didn’t see that post – thanks! If this is the case, then OP needs to just grin and bear it, because it seems that she will have a great deal of freedom from her parents and their restrictions once she goes away to college.</p>