I’m feeling so unsettled these days…i’m trying not to ascribe too much to an arbitrary date set by ancient Romans, but I find myself questioning everything as the hours on the decade tick down. My kids are gone, my job is a good one but also in flux, i’ve always had an uneasy marriage, I have friends considering (early) retirements and i’m not sure what I think about that…I guess I’m confused about what happens to me next. Ugh.
I feel the same way. The beginning of the holiday was great, but by day 10 I was ready to be home and hibernate. Being at my elderly parents’ home for four days was so stressful. Everyone seemed at their breaking point, and the fact that my dad keeps the house about 88 degrees at all times did not help. Also, I have a once-good friend who has been uncommunicative for months now, and I’m unsure whether to confront her about it.
I don’t have any answers @SouthernHope, but I have had periods of insecurity and depression about the future, too. You’re not alone. I generally try to look at all that is right in my life as I soldier on, but sometimes I just have a general sense of loss. Kid moving on? Youth? Squandered work years? The magic in my life? My husband was very annoyed by the e-mail signature tag line that I used for years when it sounded funny to me : Just Biding my Time Until I Die. I removed it when I retired a couple of years ago as it seemed too descriptive at that point. Anyway, aside from therapy and perhaps happy pills which don’t appeal to me, I just try to keep one eye on the good things. Not much help, I know, but I hear you.
Think about what you want to change that is within your control and plan out an action plan to help make it happen - could be broken down into incremental steps to make it seem more manageable.
Don’t let an arbitrary date on the calendar get you in a funk. Look at it as a time for new and exciting changes that you can accomplish.
@SouthernHope, I can empathize. Details are different, but that, “Now what?” feeling is similar. @ChoatieMom , my dh would react like yours to that sig line, but these days I too often feel as if I am just biding my time. Then I feel guilty because I have no reason to complain, really, other than some chronic health problems that I just have to endure and try to ignore. I hope that lengthening days will make me feel somewhat better.
Too often lately I’ve found myself wondering about the old Dear Abby (or Ann Landers?) suggestion to ask if I am better off with or without dh. Most of the time I think I’m better off with, but there are days when I get really down at the thought of the years ahead. Then the guilt kicks in again.
I need to read the happy list on another thread and try to come up with some things that I can realistically do to improve my mood in the short run. Then maybe I can summon the ability to work on the long term.
@OP - I am assuming you are a man. 
I think men go through some sort menopause like women (very emotional). I remember my father felt unsettled from 55-60. He was very unhappy and often fought with my mom. I got the sense from him - “Is this all there is to life.” He wanted to get a divorce because he wanted something different. My mother was very sad, but she said to him, “When the last kid is out of the house, if you ever ask for a divorce again, I would give it to you so fast your head would spin.” (all in Chinese) I don’t know what happened, but some how they fell back in love again. Few years before he died he would tell us over and over again how much he appreciated my mother.
I have a lot of male friends (from various professional associations) and many of them feel as you do - what’s next? is there more? do I still want to be with my wife (SO)? I am a woman, but I remember what my therapist said to me, “Oldfort, you get a thrill every time you climb a mountain, but at some point there won’t be any more mountains for you to climb. You are going have to be happy with what you have.” It was 20 years ago and I still think about it.
@SouthernHope - you may want to talk to a therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Sometimes having an unbiased person to talk to can be very helpful.
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@oldfort it’s kind of insightful that you believe me to be a man (i’m a woman) because I’ve had others think that about me…an old boyfriend once accused me of being “more detached than any guy I know.” In the early days, I worked mostly alongside men and even as more women have come into my field, I’m still part of a relatively small group when I look at those who are the same age as me.
The one thing I regret about being a woman – all things being equal – is that a woman can’t be a regular at a neighborhood bar. I always wanted that moment of just dropping by the tavern on the corner by myself, having two beers, talking with whatever random buddy is there, and then heading home.
These are the kinds of thoughts people have when decades end…
thank you all for this advice… @ChoatieMom yours made me tear up for some reason and I’m not sure why…but i appreciate your insights and those of you all. My current strategy is to feel crummy and not fight it and then see how I feel later in the week.
This is a tough transition time. No doubt.
Here are some things I did when my kids were out of the house & I began to struggle with “what next?”:
My therapist challenged me one day and asked me to tell her about all the things I’d do as soon as I was divorced and single. I ticked off a bunch of things (dating is not on my list), and she slyly said, “So…now what is keeping you from doing those things right now?” That smacked me right in the face, I’ll tell you. I just…I don’t know…I just did not imagine making any bold moves until “I had to” (divorce).
What she said stuck with me and I was determined to start to build a new life for myself, within the life I already had, without blowing it up just yet.
I left the job I’d had for 17 years and got something new. It’s different, doesn’t feel that stable, but I am enjoying the change in routine very much. I was burnt out at the previous job and when that door opened? I ran through!
I joined a local hiking club and met all sorts of interesting people, many of them 10-20 years older than me, active and healthy and doing interesting things. Much to my surprise, I met a number of people who had never been married and/or never had children. It really opened my eyes to other ways to have a fulfilling rich life. The club goes out every Sunday, year round, even if it’s 15 below. Just to have “new” people be happy to see me when I pull up at the meeting spot really raises my spirits.
I went on a women’s only hiking vacation with Adventures in Good Company. I did not know a soul on the trip and had never taken a guided vacation with strangers before. I had a blast. I felt so…FREE. I had glimpses into the woman I was before I was a wife and a mother.
After that, I began to plan my own vacations every year (without H). No compromising anymore. He is, in fact, taking his own vacation soon!
I moved out of the master bedroom and into one of my kid’s rooms after changing all the furniture and re-painting and new curtains. etc. I call it “My little apartment”. It has, surprisingly, taken a lot of tension out of the marriage. We are living like roommates now, but it’s working. For the moment. I am living as I please without the financial pressure and disruption that divorce would bring. Is divorce in the future? Maybe. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.
I started to strength train after buying myself a squat rack for the basement. I was NOT a gym rat or exerciser before! I am so much stronger and I feel certain the new physical resilience is associated with mental resilience & feeling prepared for the what the future brings.
If you suspect, even in the slightest, that you have trouble with the shorter days and lack of intense sunshine, please read some at www.cet.org. There are easy, passive solutions such as a negative ion generator.
https://cet.org/product/naturair-ionizer/
YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Such great advice here! I think about death a lot lately. I don’t like it that I do, either. I suppose turning 60 was the culprit. H thinks about it also.
We just got new bedroom furniture…for the first time ever. I love it. But I said to H it’s too bad we only have a few decades to enjoy it. I wish we had gotten it 10 to 20 years ago.
I’m really self-talking out of this mindset. What gives me joy? Then trying to spend time doing that. I love to travel, so focus on making plans and researching! I love being with my friends, so I’m making an effort to get together as much as I can. I enjoy fixing up the house…so working on doing that without spending a ton of money.
But it can be easy to slip into a panic mindset.
You truly are not alone in this uneasy time of our lives.
That will be news to the women who come in and sit at the bar where I work! Seriously, we have solo women come in on a regular basis to have a drink & dinner at the bar.
You will fit right in if it’s a welcoming place! Eventually, you get a handle on who is there on which nights, who the friendliest bartender is, etc.
Go! Life is short! You can start this week!
Thanks for posting. I am also feeling uneasy.
I am over 60 but figure I may have another 1/3 of my life to enjoy—or more. I’m doing my best to work out and stay as healthy as possible. My elder relatives are 90 & 95—all my sibs are quite healthy as is H.
When my past two jobs ended, S challenged me to reinvent myself each time and so far, have been quite satisfied. My kids are living independently and pretty happy. I’m looking forward to see what happens next in all our lives, including extended family & friends.
I also struggle with time moving on and think about how little time I really have left (I’m 53 right now). I had my children late so I have 3 teenagers currently and feel like I will be really old by the time 2 of them leave home. My middle child has autism and will likely be with DH and I until we are gone (and that really scares me silly). Where will he go when we are gone? Likely his siblings, but that’s so much for them to take on as young people hopefully in the midst of their own families at that stage.
Add to all this some crummy finances that never seem to get better and my DH’s endless complaining about California and wanting to leave the state, and I feel downright lousy at times. We do want to retire elsewhere but we have his Mom and my Mom in our same town and I cannot see leaving the state until they are no longer with us (well at least my Mom - his would always follow us). And I want my 2 kids to get through college before we leave (or at least be in college). The kid with autism will obviously come with us.
I hate always looking back with regret and thinking about the woulda, coulda, shouldas. I think some of the advice above it great, especially the part about picking small goals and working on things you can really change. I really feel like this thinking is part of getting older for a lot of people. So you are definitely not alone.
Maybe there is such a thing as mid-life crisis because I’ve been feeling this way as well. I’m glad that there are others feeling it too. I mean not glad, but it makes me feel less alone. I’m questioning my career, marriage, just feeling, as others have put it, unsettled, unhappy, full of regrets. I’ve been working on a 20 in 2020 (inspired by another thread) list of things I’d like to accomplish, some big, some small. I also want to work on a gratitude journal, though that’s really not “me.” I just feel like a complainer lately.
@SouthernHope - people often think I am detached also.
This is not an easy for us, whether you are a man or woman. I was so used being identified as someone’s mom or wife, now I am just me and I am kind of liking it.
The end of the decade is next year.
@SouthernHope I totally knew you were a woman!! 
I literally JUST posted elsewhere to some friends that the start of a new year always makes me a bit uneasy - what’s ahead? Will it be good or not so good? I do this every New Year’s. I don’t let it get to me but the thought is there.
May I suggest making a Happiness LIst?? (see my separate post)
Goodness. You people are no fun.
At the risk of swimming upstream here, I"m at a different point in my life. I’m completely retired, my children are both married, and I even have a grandchild. I’m enjoying the fact that the kids are young adults and are handling their own lives quite well. They still ask for my advice, and that makes me happy.
But day-to-day, I do what I want. I don’t expect that I’m going to save the world in any grand way before I die, so I’m just content to keep my mind active, keep my body active, and do the things I enjoy. Having something to look forward to is always essential – for now, it’s a family reunion in mid-January when my grand-nephew has his Bar Mitzvah, then my granddaughter’s first birthday in February, then a visit to my sister in March. DH and I are also going to see To Kill a Mockingbird on Broadway in March, so I’m going to re-read the book in the next few weeks.
I find satisfaction in reading books, keeping the house tidy, and cooking interesting foods. Some mini-series on Amazon Prime make me happy too.
We have friends here for dinner at least once a month. I’d like more couple-friends, but we’re working on it.
Maybe my life is too small right now, but I’m content.
@VeryHappy,
I’m recently fully retired from a job in a field I loved that had become unbearable… DH and I are empty nesters in our new small lake house.
I’ve been trying to remind myself of just how wonderful my life is, because it is.
Friends, gym, kyaking, adult kids, garden, netflix, SLEEP.
And yes, DH who is mostly cool and fun and sometimes infuriating.
But still, at 64, I’m acutely aware that time passes quickly.
Already have some happy pills and a good therapist to deal with clinical depression. Wont ever be “cured” but I’m on a good path.
I think I want to travel now that I have freedom. DH has mobility problems due to arthritis and is unwilling to consider solutions.
I think travelling alone might be scary but ok.
We have a 30 yr old cognitively disabled DD. At 21, we thought she would continue with us till we left the world and worried constantly.
We didnt want her brother to be her caregiver.
We spent last 5 yrs researching state resources and programs and networking with other parents. It was an exhaustive task with many glitches along the way.
She is now living about 15 miles from us in a private home shared with two other special needs young adults. There is a live in counselor, support staff 24-7 for all needs- recreational, transportation, behavioral, medical.
Her care is covered mostly by state programs/housing vouchers/SSI.
We have a retirement we thought would be impossible.
She has a safe home with peers, activities, a part time job. She is so happy to be living a life that fits her abilities.
I dont presume to know what you want for your son or what he wants for himself. Just know that there may be options you haven’t come across yet.
Feel free to PM me if you’d like.
^^I think, if I can say it ever so gently, that in a thread of people unsure and unsettled about the future, coming on to ask people what is wrong with them, “I’m fine,” might not be the way to go.