@garland, you may be right. I apologize.
I do find the more I look down the road or in the rear view mirror, I don’t take advantage of the actual day I have right now.
Honestly, the only way is to live one day at time. Not metaphorically only. In reality. There’s only the next moment and then it’s a new moment. Yesterday is in our minds and tomorrow is also a construct. When you get there you back to the moment.
Try to Maximize or improve you day tomorrow. Try something small but different, tomorrow and the add a little more the next. And interesting things can happen.
It’s like a reverse philosophical diet. You can’t lose all the weight in one day, it’s a little at a time and then one morning it seems all different. It’s the same thing in reverse for your outlook or spirit. Add a little each day and voila one day you wake up and it seems so much better.
Of course, this excludes actual clinical depression and gloom. That’s for the docs and therapists to help with of course. They can help a lot too.
Good luck and have a great tomorrow.
Best regards Patrick*
- (I didn’t feel like being an anonymous moniker to another human feeling so gloomy!!)
You have friends here too!! And I love the suggestions so far as well.
DH and I are always uneasy at this time of year. The relief of relatives and houseguests leaving is immediately followed by the anniversary of when DH lost his job a few years ago. He found another, but early January is forever in our minds branded as the fearful time of year when companies downsize.
DD is contemplating breaking up with her first boyfriend. We think he is a fantastic young man, but she tells us the chemistry isn’t there. Hard to argue with that, but it’s an awkward start to the new year. It somehow adds to our unsettled moods.
Life will go on, though. We have many blessings, and plenty of goals to keep us busy. Just got to get through the new year slump. A return to our normal schedule next week is bound to help. Fingers crossed for all posting here.
I’ve mentioned this on other threads, but I was diagnosed with a rare aggressive breast cancer 2 years and 7 months ago. I’m now 47. It rocked my world to say the least. It didn’t make me appreciate life more, or spend more time with my kids - I already did those things! At first it made me cry alone in the shower and lie in bed at 3 am sick in my gut with fear.
I’m in remission and I really do live each day as best I can. Since my diagnosis I travel more with my family ( four national park hiking trips in the last 2 years!) and I don’t allow myself to have regrets, or be guilted or spend time worrying about things I can’t change.
But sometimes at night I lie there and I’m sad. So I get it. But I’ve always been the melancholy sort - I’ve cried on the first day of school every single year of my kids lives! Time passing is depressing for me, but I really think it’s because I love life so much. I think cancer just robbed me of denial much earlier than others.
I was lying awake in bed last night feeling sad, and I understand what everyone is saying. I turned 60 today. I am in great health, I recently quit a too-stressful job (and lost 15 pounds … no more stress), have been exercising faithfully & eating very well, my H is cool, my kids are launched, all should be hunky dory. Yet something is gnawing at me. SomeTHINGS, maybe. My mom died at 75; am I almost out of time? I have made a lot of mistakes in life; can I live my final years as a better person? What kind of job should I try to get when I am ready to return to work, and will anyone want a gray-haired 60 year old woman? Am I who I was supposed to be? If not, what should I do now?
The truth is, I am fine & will continue to be fine. But I am going to have times like this when I feel a bit down. The holidays tend to bring that on in me. This too shall pass.
For those of you feeling down or unsettled, hang in there. You are not alone.
Consider a women’s trip where you’ll be with other women in a small group tour.
Happy Birthday, @kelsmom!
Happy birthday, @kelsmom !
@musicmom so glad your DD is settled in such a great place. We can only hope that our son will gain some independence as he get older (he’ll be 16 in a month). It’s so tough when your child has special needs and you just don’t feel that anyone can look after them like you can.
Happy birthday, @kelsmom!
I can relate to having some negative thoughts. I received some shocking news a few months ago that really threw me. I’ve been seeing a therapist and doing what I can to regain my equilibrium but it’s hard. Having my kids home for the holidays was a great distraction. Two left last weekend and the third leaves next week. Once my younger two left, I felt some of the…negativity/sadness creep back in and I suspect I’m going to be hit full force when my oldest leaves next weekend. Definitely focusing on some regrets and trying to figure out what I can do in 2020 to make things better.
At 69 I can tell some of you that this is another bit on the continuum of life. At 50 you are half way on the bell curve. We all know we will be dead by 100. So for most of us who hit 60 we are on the downside of our bell curve of life. It is a huge huge huge adjustment. It is difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask the questions.
At closing in on 70 it is finally easier. I now understand my marriage (another thread on CC). I have, finally, let go of my identity as a therapist of 42 years. I do not expect myself to do anything except what I want to do for the most part each day. My mission, as I see it now, it to spread goodwill with every contact I make throughout each day. Not curing cancer, accepting that I did enough. But deliberate and meaningful to me.
Making new friends and finding things to even fill up your time is the new challenge. I so appreciate everyone’s honestly. Figuring out my marriage issues has been the most important thing for my end of life years. Learning to make new friends/interests.
Being more honest about what we really enjoy (LOL I still don’t like babies).
Same here. I was very involved for the past year in S’s college application process, and now that it’s over (and succeeded spectacularly), I feel nobody needs me any more. I’m pretty good at finding ways to enjoy myself, but I feel a kind of need to do something useful and be appreciated for what I do, and this is hard because my people skills are nonexistent. And while I’m thankfully still quite healthy at 54, my body started hinting that it might not be long until I cannot do some thing I can do now.
@musicmom A few years ago I took a trip to Italy in a small group with G Adventures and most participants were single middle-aged women. It was awesome, one of the best vacation experiences in my life. When we were traveling as a family, I always felt responsible for everyone’s happiness, and while I enjoyed planning and traveling together in general, I didn’t really realize how exhilarating it is to have a vacation with no responsibilities whatsoever.
I can relate to uneasiness and sadness although it often lifts. I think it can help to just accept it (for a short while) and to give yourself a little extra care, whether it’s sleep, more attention to your diet and making time for exercise, a hot bath, or a massage, a good book or whatever makes you feel better.
And if that feeling hangs around, challenge yourself about what you can change. Personally, I find it easy to slip into a state of melancholy over what I’ve lost from the past (whether it’s kids at home, time with friends, or athleticism, etc) and remind myself that it’d be lousy to squander what I have now.
And while I hate the arbitrary nature of a new year, I have been more successful in the last few years with resolutions. Things like "have a dinner party once a month (because I have been careless with friendships) or “take at least 4 long weekend trips” (because I allow myself to fall into a rut) have allowed me to make those small improvements and feel a bit more confident that in spite of what I may be losing in transition, there is still much to be gained.
And it should go without saying, a professional can help you in this process if it’s too much to take on personally (as it often is!)
I’ve said this before on this site, I think in the Diet/Exercise thread. And I say this with only the best intentions.
When I read a thread like this one, I’m reminded of a humorous, but true IMO, line from the movie Legally Blonde starring Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods.
I exercise a lot. And exercising makes me happy and/or happier. My suggestion would be to exercise more.
@yucca10, thanks for that tip.
Having all travel details handled by someone else sounds wonderful, especially after 35+ yrs as the family planner.
@sushiritto,
I do not enjoy exercising.
But I do very much enjoy the sensation after a good workout.
Retired a few months, one of the first steps I took was to join a small local gym and actually go every other day. Cardio and weights.
Hired a personal trainer for the last 3 months to get me on track.
I need to eat healthier, a whole other issue.
But the exercise alone has made me noticeably stronger even with little weight loss. It feels good.
Aw, geez, there is nothing wrong with being happy, @VeryHappy. We can care about others. And imo, it’s good when we break down our own privacy barriers and admit something so intimate as our uncertainties. But then, my personal feeling is we should keep moving, like a shark. For life. And for the meaning in our own lives. We shouldn’t be hesitant to admit when we’re happy.
I honestly did not realize we’re at the end of some date period, other than it soon being the new year. In reality, 2019 was the year I had the epiphany, stated as, " It’s not all my G.D. fault." My new (mostly private) mantra. I’ve been let to feel blame, one way or another, usually wrongly, for too many others’ woes, for too long. (Same as everyone- spouse and kids issues, other family complaints, some dopey neighbor, the dog, the corner of the house where painting supplies have sat for a year, anything.) I just finally saw it for what it is. (I am involved in making things better for people, there’s the irony.) I decided to shed that old skin, go back to the person I more truly am.
Easy? Not a chance. The past 6 years since DH died have been a whallop. After fracturing 3 ribs in April, being seriously mobility challenged and in pain, through the year, off and on-- long story short, turns out I’m dealing with a much bigger health problem. Scary. Not finally defined yet. May be okay. May be very not ok. But… I can still say, when someone or something lets me down, or wants to take away my strengths, lean on me when I came to ask for their help, whatever, not my GD fault. And recognize that I do have the life I do have, for as long as I do have it. And what do I choose to make of it? What does bring me joy, bring me closer to that truer self, etc? Not everything can be done when and as we wish. But the change in perspective has been good.
I’d hope for each of you, that there are bright spots.
Hugs, @Leigh22
OP, I knew you were a women. For what it’s worth I think in today’s world a woman can have a chair at the corner bar. Maybe 2020 is your year to find your Cheers! 
This is the kindest thread I have ever read on CC. Thank you everyone.
I’m older than just about all of you – I’m 71. I think I went through this five to ten years ago, but since then I’ve made my peace with things. (More or less.) I’d still like to spread more kindness throughout the world, or at least throughout my small piece of the world, but I’m content with my current life.
I have long said that someone needs to write a good book on the kind of undefined period of life when work has stopped or is winding down, kids are on the path or have achieved independence, and those of us roughly 55-75 are trying to figure out what the heck we should be doing. I am not referring to empty nest, which was awhile ago
I have discovered Tai Chi (and Quigong) and I feel pretty good, physically and mentally, as long as I do that in my 60’s. I cannot exercise other ways: tai chi is gentle, communal, but builds strength and balance. I just asked, after 10 years of study, if I could teach a class, which took some courage. I sometimes teach chair tai chi in an assisted living facility, which kind of happened by accident.
I also took an art class 7 years ago at a senior center, and have progressed to the point where I take “real” art classes at an art association. I can’t draw well, so who knew I could do art? Mixed media, collage, playing with color. No matter what is going on, my art is happy.
I still haven’t resolved most of the issues mentioned here. I feel very betwixt and between. Not old enough to be truly elderly, but not young enough for many jobs and activities!
Money is an issue. I did divorce, which meant exchanging house for small apartment. Worth it. I have two kids with special needs and none of my kids have significant others. My mother has dementia and I take care of her almost daily.
While these burdens are tiring, it is when I have a light week with relative freedom that I feel the way the OP feels. I try to stay conscious of this underlying unease, when the caregiving tasks distract. I need to keep working at it and not run away into more caregiving, if that makes sense.
Finally, @Leigh22 , I am also dealing with what I hope is a past cancer. I detest the word “survivor.” Have we survived? I am five years out and just worked up the courage to do a test that will tell me my chances of recurrence/metastasis in the next 5 years, and whether the awful cancer meds I take daily are still helpful.
Having cancer intensifies all the feelings folks have expressed, but with a potentially compressed period of time to work them out. That said, it has pushed me to take at least one traveling vacation with my daughter, despite the expense, and I plan on another one.
It does hang over, so hoping the test I just did will help with the psychological effects of not knowing whether to treat these as my last years or as years that are just transitions, as expressed by those above who are presumably not dealing with cancer (but maybe they are, or maybe they are dealing with something else).
Yes the cancer diagnosis I received almost thirteen years ago (Stage 4 rectal) makes me really conscious of how long I have left while dealing with numerous side effects from treatment. I do try to live one day at a time and try not think too much into the future because who knows what that will bring. Being here thirteen years gives me encouragement although I have had several recurrences. I truly do appreciate the small things since those are the things I like best. I like being home with my husband, seeing my grown kids as often as we can and spending time with our one year old granddaughter whom I never thought I’d see. My husband and I have had lots on our plate over the years and that’s why I appreciate when everything is normal. I try not to beat myself up about the things I cannot change. I let myself enjoy the day however that may be since we really don’t know how many more we’ll have. Sometimes I try not to think too hard. It’s the overthinking that becomes dangerous to me.
I find that my “worries” about the new year ahead (the decade thing doesn’t phase me - I like even numbers so 2020 is great! ) are not so much about me but about people in my life. My mom is 87 - what will a new year bring for her? The kids - there are some struggles - will they be ok? My dog is old and having some issues - and today is his “gotcha day” - will we get another year to celebrate 10 years?
I won’t worry about these things daily and for all of 2020. It’s just one of those yearly for a week or so the new year seems a little daunting.