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<p>I was grateful that a friend with a student a year older than mine mentioned that. At least initially, I might have thought it meant something when those mailings started to arrive. You were doing her a favor.</p>
<p>Emeraldkity – been there, done that, too. </p>
<p>My husband and I have connections to a university that was named as the “dream school” by the son of close family friends. We went out of our way to explain what the son needed to do to catch the attention of the ad com. My husband, who is fairly well known by the admissions office, even offered to meet with this kid on campus and then write a letter endorsing his admission. Did the family follow our advice or take us up on the offer? Not a one. And then they were surprised when the kid didn’t get in. </p>
<p>So then this SAME family had a daughter who wanted to transfer into the same university. They told us about it one week before decisions would be mailed. Still, we offered advice that wasn’t heeded. Again, they were disappointed that she wasn’t granted admission. </p>
<p>I told my husband that I’m going to carry a wall around with me so I can bang my head on it from time to time.</p>
<p>All you are trying to do is help and beyond your control it backfires! I agree with previous posts, as difficult it may be, sometimes it is just best to not offer suggestions. Many people say they want help and suggestions but when it comes down to it after they hear what people have to say they change their mind without notice! Good luck!</p>
<p>LOL! best line of the day!</p>
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<p>thanks for the laugh, momwaitingfornew :)</p>
<p>My husband’s neice is graduating HS this year. Neither parent is currently working, one was laid off over a year ago (construction industry), other is out on disability. The only financial safety these folks applied to is one the neice refuses to attend. So why did they apply? The other schools she got into gave her FA packages with over 13K in loans per year. They assumed that because their D would graduate 2nd in her class (from a lousy school system I will add) and had great EC’s she would get lots of money. Well she did get lots of money but not a full ride, except to a school she refuses to attend. So guess where they sent a deposit? To one of the schools they cannot afford out of state 1600 miles away. The best part is the “advice” they give me about the college application process for my now sophomore son. I just nod my head.</p>
<p>“Why do we resist " good advice” and why do we insist on giving it anyway? "</p>
<p>Why either / both bother you? Seems such an artificially created problem. Some people give advice, so what? Some others resist “good advice”, so what? Third do not think that it was “good advice”, so what? And I never listen to anybody, and so what? Life is so more fun when you do not get bothered with this. But you do not need to listen to this advice either, it will not bother me.</p>
<p>I’ve had many of the experiences noted above. I believe that being helpful without giving the APPEARANCE of giving advice is an art form. (And yes, it’s VERY tiring for those that don’t have “the gift.”) Beyond this style issue, I’ve observed that people tend to interpret things their own particular way. Simple example: D of a neighbor was a good student but had truly awful SAT scores. I suggested D apply to an SAT-optional college. D found a wonderful one, and it became her top choice. Mom suggested she send the SAT scores anyway. Rejected. I casually asked the mom why they sent (truly awful) SAT scores to an SAT-optional college. Response? “I didn’t think it would hurt.”</p>
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<p>He left out the part about how they were going to hitch-hike to CA… with their surfboards!</p>
<p>NewHope33,
How do you know that she was rejected because of SAT score? Did they specify the reason? On my D’s rejection letters, they did not state the reasons, nor her acceptances listed the reasons for being accepted. There are colleges and programs that reject valedictorians and people with perfect scores. Superior score of SAT=2300 might be awful applying to these places. Do you know the score that your neighbor refer as awful? As far as I know it could have been 2300.</p>
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<p>LOL. My sister got married at 19. She and her husband moved to Austin, Texas “to go to the University of Texas.” I’m pretty sure that both sets of parents knew they’d never enroll in UT. It was the mid-70s. They majored in live music and weed and never went to UT. But that was my parents’ story and they stuck to it as long as they possibly could. What were they going to say? “They are working menial jobs in Austin so they can listen to music and smoke dope”?</p>
<p>I tend to lean toward a “know-it-all” personality, so I always assume people don’t acknowledge advice because I’m sounding obnoxious and they don’t want to encourage me, or when they do it is because they are being polite. Still can’t help myself though - was all that positive reinforcement in elementary school! And, I immerse myself in subjects till I’m drowning in them and then need to let out information as a release-valve!</p>
<p>Should I keep my big mouth shut? I met acquaintance A’s six-month-old baby recently, a beautiful little girl. Naturally I wanted to hold her and smile at her and coo. But when I picked her up, she squirmed her head so as not to look at my face. This was a baby who really, really wanted to avoid a gaze. The same thing happened when another member of the group picked up the little girl. And she never looked over at other people, even mommy, and smiled; she always looked away.</p>
<p>Well, I thought, that’s odd, but she’s six months, maybe it’s the beginning of stranger anxiety, she doesn’t know me, whatever. But then when a group of us were eating at the restaurant, I noticed that this baby* did the same thing with her mother*: she wouldn’t look at her mother’s face, but instead craned her neck to look at ceiling fans.</p>
<p>This could be a sign that the baby is on the autism spectrum, and if so, it would be better if she were diagnosed right away so she could get on the waiting line for treatments. But I don’t know this couple well. What would you do?</p>
<p>I think there’s a difference between just giving your opinion, and sharing specialized information that you have. For example, in Cardinal Fang’s example, if you are a physician, or work with children, or have experience with children on the autism spectrum, then it might make sense to say something. If it’s just that you are perhaps more perceptive than these parents, it’s probably better not to say anything. (Note: I was with my kids at the dermatologist’s office the other day, and I really wanted to ask her what she does if she’s out in public and sees something on a person that needs to be looked at–but I was too chicken to ask.)</p>
<p>CardinalFang, I would lean toward keeping my mouth shut. If the parents haven’t suspected anything, your concern will be greeted coldly. However, if they’ve been wondering themselves, they may be grateful for the mention.</p>
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<p>There is a family that we have known for years and we are pretty certain that their son is on the autism spectrum. Husband has been “overly open” about talking about our own son’s diagnosis, hoping the mom will see the similarities and get her son checked out. But they either haven’t taken the hint, or don’t care to find out.</p>
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Or they’ve found out and don’t care to discuss it.</p>
<p>I know I am guilty of offering unsolicited advice, but usually I stick to topics I’m certain I have good, recent information about and can say “I just read in _________ publication that…” But don’t you think you could make people feel really awkward by not saying anything about an area in which you have expertise? I know I’ve felt very awkward when I’m discussing an issue and there’s someone listening to me who knows more than I do but I’m not aware of that, but keeps silent. And then when the conversation’s ending I find out the person’s an expert on that subject. Then I feel like s/he was humoring me, or secretly smirking at my ignorance or inaccuracies.</p>
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<p>Possible but not probable. The mom bemoans her son’s academic shortcomings in the manner of one who doesn’t have a clue why he isn’t doing better in school.</p>
<p>I used to give advice because I am a fixer type person. When I was younger someone said to me “I just wanted to talk, I don’t want your opinion” This has stuck with me and I try really hard to listen more. It is also hard because, I like people’s advice but really only if I ask.I listen moe than most people do but I feel in the minority. Cardianl Fang- if you do not know the couple I would not say anything, but see if you know someone who does know the couple to get a read on how your impressions would be perceived. I am also a health professional and only step inwhen an imminent threat is there. It is too bad but you could put yourself in a position and not obtain the results you were aiming for. also it is very frustrating when people do not listen to you when you know when you are talking about. My brother and sister do this in reference to raising ,kids, my brother has very young kids and my sister has none.I say little but am sometimes hurt, esp when they tell me how to raise kids. I actuallyhave some pretty good kids that people really like. but then I stop and think they want to do their own thing , didn’t ask your opinion.etc…and I keep my mouth shut. People are so into themselves they really just don’t think.</p>
<p>EK4 - Have you ever noticed that the people who know you best are the least likely to listen to your counsel?</p>
<p>I have a pretty solid background in education and work with young adults. Started in special education more than 30 years ago but then became a school psychologist and eventually found my own specialty and now just do consulting work. I have worked with lots of kids as they went through the college app process, my H works for a non-profit college access program for first generation, under-represented kids. Do you think my brother and his wife asked us anything about college when their three kids were in high school? Not only didn’t they ask, but he would make erroneous pronouncements and I would say, “I’m not sure that is always true” or some other innocuous statement. </p>
<p>So - long story short - well, it never really is with me - I now say something like, “Hey, we’ve learned a lot with our two girls going to college, if you ever want to talk about it…”</p>
<p>PS - Downtoearth - I, too, am a fixer and my daughter once said something almost exactly like you said. I have a 3 x 5 card taped to my vanity mirror that says, “Just Listen.” Sometimes it works when she comes to me, sometimes, not so much :)</p>