<p>This is what a fellow I know told me he learned about his wife after years of marriage. She would talk, he wanted to fix the problem, but all she really wanted to do was to talk to him, not have him fix it.</p>
<p>As for the possible autism case, I would mention something to the mother like, “I noticed that when people hold your baby up to them, she turns her head away in each case. Have you noticed that? And have you mentioned it to your pediatrician?” I wouldn’t use the “autism” word, because it could freak the new mother out.</p>
<p>Well you must do well or she would not come to you.I do the same thing saying"What do you think about that".A woman that I highly respect her opinion says to her kids(grown up wonderful kids) "Before you make your final decision…you might want to think about …(I like this , and it works.)</p>
<p>perhaps for the possible autism case I might say, It’s interesting how your baby turns her head away or something like that. I use that phrase when I have noticed something in a patient that I want to persue. I work in pediatrics. It is so touchy.</p>
<p>^“Interesting” is an interesting word, especially if you really draw out the syllables. When I cook something new and my husband opines that it is interesting, I can take that recipe and pitch it out in the garbage…</p>
<p>One of my cousins was born in 1966 with a very long head. From the minute she saw him, my grandmother - who was as blunt as they make them - told his mom (her daughter) and anyone else who would listen, “There’s something wrong with that kid.” When my cousin still wasn’t talking at the age of five, my aunt began to accept the idea that he might be mentally challenged (which he was.) We all thought Grandma was being so mean and Old World to immediately point out a problem with the baby, but she was dead on. She’d had seven kids of her own, plus a still birth, plus lots of other life experience. But did my aunt appreciate her advice or have her son checked out? Not at all. Denial can have a lot to do with advice not taken.</p>
<p>I learned in charity board situations that the right question when I think some one wants my advice is some version of, “Do you want sympathy or solution?” Not that I would always be that blunt, but discerning that is helpful.</p>
<p>It is frustrating when I hear people talking about “full-ride scholarships” to Ivy institutions. Or other basic misinformation, like applying to 10 schools with 20% admit rates to “be sure that she gets in somewhere.” </p>
<p>Last year when a friend’s son was a junior in hs, he was highly recruited in his sport and an excellent student. He attended a fairly expensive private high school, and this family lives in a lovely home and their kids have all the latest gadgets (iPhones, etc). But during a casual conversation the mom said, “Oh we haven’t saved anything for college.” She went on to say that her son wants to be a doctor, and he’s going undergrad to whichever school “gives him the best deal.” Then she mentioned that he had been contacted by coaches at Dartmouth and Princeton. I was BITING MY TONGUE so I wouldn’t point out that neither school was going to give him a scholarship for his sport! Anyway, he is graduating this month and will be attending a selective Division 3 LAC… I can’t figure out if they gave him money for his sport or not, but I guess it’s none of my business. The thing that really drove me nuts about the whole conversation with the mom was her casual, “Oh, we haven’t saved anything for college” attitude, although she clearly expects both of her kids to attend college, and her younger D doesn’t even play a sport - maybe they’re expecting merit money?</p>
<p>If the sport is D3 then it violates NCAA rules to give a sports scholarship. However the LAC may have given good merit Aid, or maybe Need aid, but that seems out of the question considering how wealthy he sounds. If he is an excellent student many LACs do have merit aid.</p>
<p>I am a generally honest person, but kind. I really don’t understand why people have the need to tell stories so usually I nod my head alot. It took me a while to learn this as I have always had a " but the emperor is naked mentality"gets me in mucho trouble. People want to live in their bubble. Too bad but I often take what people say with a grain of salt. I have little energy for the nonsense. Anyway saying something is interesting draws/informs attention to a potential issue without raising serious alarm.I am being honest without being alarmist. This may open the door for the person to confide their concens or you can discern whether they are or not receptive.</p>
<p>I have practice with this as I work in critical care and generally have a good relationship with my families. On the other hand I have had my share of serious health problems and canread betwen those lines.</p>
<p>I do like the suggestion a couple of pages back of claiming to have just read something pertinent in some publication…like, to the mom who was sure her kid was going to get a sports scholarship to Princeton, to say breathlessly, “I just read an article in [make something up] yesterday that talked about how schools like that don’t give sports scholarships. Do you think that could possibly be true? Have you ever heard of that before? …” Or to attribute the advice to something someone else told you as in, “You know, I’ve got a friend whose son is at [name good Div III school] - you know, he was always a fantastic soccer player and I thought he was there on a soccer scholarship and the other day his mom corrected me and said they can’t give scholarships…” Maybe if you sound like it was something you just learned, it’s easier to pay attention to the advice…</p>
<p>“From the minute she saw him, my grandmother - who was as blunt as they make them - told his mom (her daughter) and anyone else who would listen, “There’s something wrong with that kid.””</p>
<p>Did we have the same grandmother? Mine kept telling my aunt (her daughter-in-law) “That baby can’t see.” His eyes appeared fine, but my grandmother could tell from day one that he wasn’t looking at things the way other newborns do. By the time he was diagnosed with a serious eye condition, he’d gone months without light on his retinas. (Today, he’s successful and independent, but legally blind.)</p>
<p>I was recently with a group of pediatricians who referred to the diagnosis of F.L.K.: funny-looking kid.</p>
<p>yes but those grandmother types get away with it. My husband’s aunt was like that every once in a while I say “I want to pull an Aunt so and so” haven’t yet but maybe I will.</p>