<p>I have given up hoping my S will voluntarily become self-supporting. After (barely) graduating from one of the country’s top colleges in May, he has not worked a single day or earned a single dime. He is sharing an (expensive) apartment with a friend in a city he moved to after graduation, and has gone through almost all the money he was given as a graduation gift. At the end of last month I advised him to get a job, any sort of job, so he at least has some money coming in to pay rent, gas, etc. He said he would. He has not. Last night when I talked to him he said he was thinking about volunteering at a place he has applied for jobs at. (He applied and interviewed for positions there, but did not receive a job offer; his college grades were poor and I suspect his references are not anywhere close to glowing.) After sitting around for five months doing nothing, he is “thinking about” volunteering. (Two previous “unpaid internships” he had ended when he gradually stopped going to them.). Without taking out (more) loans, I cannot afford to give him any more money.</p>
<p>After crying myself to sleep last night, I woke up this morning with the realization that I hate him. I wish i could forget about him and stop worrying about him, but that is impossible. I am at the point of wishing he had never been born.</p>
<p>Am I just feeling scared, overwhelmed and despondent? Is it anger I am feeling and not hate? Have any of you ever felt hate toward an adult child?</p>
<p>No, I have never hated my kids or ever wished they had not been born. I can’t relate to those feelings. </p>
<p>I could understand being disappointed or concerned about your son, however. </p>
<p>But now that his money is running out and you will not be supporting him, he has the smarts and will have the necessity to have to figure out how to make do and the situation will be one where he will have to do something to earn money or go home.</p>
I think what you are feeling is despair, seasoned with anger and (probably) some guilt. You can’t really hate your child–at least without hating yourself. But you certainly hate what he’s doing to himself.</p>
<p>No judgment. I feel ya. But probably, you don’t really hate him permanently. The feelings you are having are actually kind of normal for a parent that’s been through the wringer - they should pass, and a more “rational” thing will take their place. The “rational” thing looks more like this:</p>
<p>I love him. But I’ve done all I can. I’ve taught him all I can, I’ve helped him financially all I can. He is now educated, and he’s rowing his own boat. Sink or swim, the boy is on his own because I’m SPENT! </p>
<p>If you’re a praying person, you will do well to do a lot of that, because a kid who is finding his/her way after sloughing off is a frustration. Pray for him, pray for you. It WILL eventually come out in the wash.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have decided you are not going to finance his stay in an expensive apartment. I hope you stick to that.</p>
<p>We have an open door policy for kids to return at our house. The thing is, we have house rules. They apply for all semi-permanent to permanent tenents regardless of age. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Curfew is 10:00 pm on weekdays and midnight on weekends. That doesn’t mean just be home, that means it’s QUIET TIME. Pretend you’re sleeping. Be so quiet that people in the other rooms of the house would believe you ARE sleeping. Some of us have jobs.</p></li>
<li><p>You must be either employed or seeking employment or both.</p></li>
<li><p>We pay for housing, gasoline to find jobs and meals in the house. We do not give an allowance, and we don’t pay for fun-time activities with buddies or gas to go to the beach.</p></li>
<li><p>Your room must be clean, and you must participate in household chores. (We all have assigned duties).</p></li>
<li><p>Your money matters are my money matters while you’re living under my roof. My goal is that you be self-sufficient. I expect you to make this your goal as well. Therefore, you will have a budget, and I will oversee it.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Most adult children don’t want to live at our house very long.</p>
<p>Does he understand that you will not be supporting him? Did you co-sign for his apartment? If not, then I would let him figure out what he is going to do. If he asks to come home, make sure you have a guideline on what he is expected to do around the house and how long you are allowing him to stay.</p>
<p>Merry - hugs to you. Good advice, IMO, from other posters. I think you hate his BEHAVIOR and how it makes you feel, not him. I wish you the best. Parenting can be so hard. He is an adult and he has a degree from a top college. I am sorry his grades/recs are not great. Hopefully he can get some position somewhere and turn it around. Clearly, he has a lot to offer if he got into a top school four years ago.
Have you ruled out depression or other mental health possibilities? If so, you may need to let this go and lovingly tell him to be responsible for himself. Not easy, I know.</p>
<p>Reread your own post. It is obvious, you don’t hate him. Maybe you should care a little less for your own well being, stress, and mental health. Your job is done, you have provided well over what is adequate. Pat yourself in the back and be there to support him if he needs emotional support and unless he is in some kind of trouble or in a destructive situation, you should not worry too much. I like to think kids eventually find their ways even if it is not the path that you would like them to take.</p>
<p>Let me speak more directly to your emotions - because I REALLY REALLY feel your pain.</p>
<p>You are NOT a bad person. YES, I have had those feelings, but they are not your heart. Not deep down. You’re just tired, and sad, and worried and angry, and it makes you want to give up on some level. You know that you still love your son. Deep down you ALREADY know that.</p>
<p>This feeling will find a better resting spot. Don’t be too hard on yourself.</p>
<p>This, and the general lethargy that you describe makes me wonder about drug use or alcohol dependency. How much have you seen him since graduation, and are you confident that he is healthy?<br>
I think what you’re feeling is enormous frustration and helplessness. Would it make sense to make a trip to his city and evaluate his well-being? If all checks out ok, a heart-to-heart that makes it clear he is on his own might give him a push. Or it might not, but at least you’ll know you have tried your best and might be able to let go more easily.</p>
<p>If it turns out that he has dependency issues, which is not uncommon for young people these days, you can help him get the help he needs.</p>
<p>Merry, what you feel for your son is resentment. You’ve given him a lot, and he is doing nothing to support himself. Loving him does not mean supporting him financially. Your generosity could keep him from getting the motivation to help himself. It may mean he hits bottom- loses his place to live.
If you continue to show your love by supporting him, then you are actually enabling his lifestyle. When you gave him a great start in life, you expected him to show some responsibility- but he did not.
You can “love” him- with tough love. The kind of “love” that lets him learn the natural consequences of his behavior. Enabling is not love.
This may be the hardest thing you can do. You may need some support from family, counseling, or whatever. You do need to focus on yourself, and self care during this. You love him because it will be very painful to you to see him not have a home or a job. He’s going to say terrible things to you to try to get you to bail him out. If you do, you will relieve your pain but perpetuate the cycle. Tough love is love too.
I also agree with the idea of first getting a medical evaluation for possible depression, drug addiction, or other situation that keeps him from working.
In either case, tough love applies here as he must have motivation to get treatment for emotional issues or addiction.</p>
<p>I think kids need to understand the state of the job market right now and that they should be trying to get any job… is he just posting for jobs in his field? it may be time to expand his search.</p>
<p>I dont think you hate him, it just sounds like you are angry and need to take a few steps back and reevaluate your feelings.</p>
<p>I would suggest that you are feeling anger and resentment instead of hate.</p>
<p>You are angry that he has failed to take advantage of the good things that have come his way (like a chance at a very good education) and you resent that you will have to firmly uphold a boundary with your son (No, we are not giving you any more money and if that makes you homeless, then so be it.) and I suspect that you are not accustomed to maintaining such a boundary. </p>
<p>Be strong. Do not send him more money. I’ve watched parents send their lazy children money and it often does not end well.</p>
<p>This is good advice. Some kids have to experience life biting them in the butt. I would not let him move home unless he is volunteering full time <em>prior</em> to moving in. No promises about what he’s going to do once he’s home. You have raised an adult, and he has a right to make mistakes and feel their consequences.</p>
<p>I agree that you need to focus on taking care of YOU. The ways to alleviate the pain you feel have nothing to do with him. A therapist, clergyperson, or old friend may be able to help get your mind off of this and onto the good parts of your life where you still have some control.</p>
<p>Why can’t she hate him? He is creating stress for his mom and doesn’t seem to care. </p>
<p>And why oh why is it oh see if he is depressed and let’s get him all kinds of tests. You can’t force an adult to go get tests. Period. Ain’t gonna happen. You can suggest, but he may just be lazy. Doesn’t mean he needs therapy.</p>
<p>Can’t an adult just be a jerk? Seems so many want to have some sort of medical or psych diagnosis. </p>
<p>Is he goingout, partying, the gym, gaming, videos, etc?</p>
<p>It’s certainly possible that an adult is just a jerk but this:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>and the lethargy and avoidance immediately made me think of depression. If he had any tendency toward that anyway, the struggles of job hunting and sending out application after application with few responses can really intensify it.</p>
<p>She CAN hate him. But I doubt she does. Few moms really hate their children. Do you? I have felt the way she’s feeling for similar reasons, and I have thought to myself, as awful as it sounds, “God help me, I hate her. It would have been better if she’d never been born. I wish she’d just go away and never bother any of us again. I would be happier if I never had to deal with her again.” </p>
<p>I know. Pretty harsh. And I meant that stuff at the time, but the fact that I meant it hurt my heart EVEN MORE. What I came to realize is that it was more a “fight or flight” type of response. I was tired of fighting so I was just ready to be done.</p>
<p>Maybe I’m projecting, but when I read OP’s post, some of the words she’s using, and the fact that SHE’S questioning if she hates him or not - all of that reminds me of myself and emotions I’ve had. The fact that she’s questioning makes me think she doesn’t really hate him. She’s just sick and tired of the struggle.</p>
<p>And on the testing and checking with a doctor - what’s the harm? Maybe there IS something going on that can be addressed. Maybe not, but knowledge is power. And yea, she can’t MAKE him, but she could suggest it. Yes, he can just “be a jerk”, and he probably is - but a therapist can even help with that if he’s willing to listen. Never hurts to try.</p>
<p>Can she make him go to the doctor? No. She can’t. And sadly I could see this guy using therapy as an excuse to continue not doing anything. Call me cynical, but I dnt think talking to a therapist is going to help lazy. </p>
<p>Why is it we suddenly have to get a medical checkup when an adult is lazy and unmotivated? </p>
<p>I can see the conversation…son, as you haven’t even tried to get a job, blow off all your volunteer stuff, and are now saying you might be thinking of looking for a part-timer volunteer gig while you have no money, lets go to some doctors and see whats going on with you. </p>
<p>K, lets say he does get a diagnosis of depression. Then what? Bet he would use it as another excuse to do nada.</p>
<p>I think the change over four years (getting into top school to current situation) warrants a consideration of depression or addiction. If either is the issue, the correct course of action is totally different than if the son is “just” lazy, lying, etc. If neither is the issue, I agree that financial support should not be forthcoming. I love cromette’s list. Hugs to all facing this issue; it must be very difficult.</p>
<p>One of the reasons for the medical check up is for mom, not just the son. It’s to help her put her foot down. She’s going to be concerned- I’m a mom too so I know that I would worry about my kid no matter what.
Yes, he could be depressed, but tough love would still be in play here. If he used it as an excuse, then he should not be supported. The deal would be that if mom is footing the bills, then mom would have access to the report. If an addiction turns up, then there would be a treatment plan. There may be some help as to what is helping and what is enabling and a plan for him to separate and be on his own.
I don’t know that many mothers who could kick their kids to the curb, even in anger, and not be upset about it. OPs free to do that if she wishes. She can even hate him if she wants to, but that’s not so simple for a mom. Sometimes a plan and support from an objective 3rd party can help- not just for the son, but for mom.
He could absolutely be manipulating her and free loading, and things will have to change for this to stop. There’s the option to just disown him and boot him off the payroll, but few parents can handle this emotionally. In the long run, most would prefer a better relationship if possible, or at least the knowledge that they did what they could do first.</p>
<p>Depression or addiction is not an excuse for not doing anything, but if you know you’re dealing with that, it makes it easier to make an action plan than if you don’t.</p>
<p>A good therapist can be a mediator and can help S see more clearly what the issues are and what must be done. </p>
<p>If you just “kick him to the curb” as you have said below - you would always wonder, “Did I do enough, did I explore all the possibilities, did I give up on him when he needed help the most?” Tough love is a MUST - both words are important - TOUGH and LOVE. That doesn’t mean coddling and it doesn’t necessarily mean outright abandonment either.</p>