<p>"and the lethargy and avoidance immediately made me think of depression. "</p>
<p>I’m thinking that too-the description is so close to that of someone who was a very dear friend of mine. When you are depressed, finding the energy to even get up in the morning can be a challenge. Actually getting presentable for interviews can seem overwhelming. And even if he got through 4 years of classes, it’s not impossible that he did it, with the marginal grades mentioned, while suffering from depression. My friend HAD an education and HAD a job, but when he “fell down the vortex” he would miss days of work at a time. Luckily he had superiors who understood. Eventually the right meds got him on track, but it took years to get it right, looking back.</p>
<p>Now, it may be that the OP’s S is an ungrateful jerk of a kid. But you don’t get to the point of getting into a great school and a degree without some drive and smarts. SOMETHING has derailed him, and if he’s seriously depressed, then it’s not going to be him that realizes this. And YES, HE will have to find his own way to help. But someone planting the seed to SEEK it, might be what he needs. My friend had such friends. In this case, maybe the OP could look into it.</p>
<p>You don’t hate him - you just hate the way he’s presently being irresponsible.</p>
<p>The first thing to do is to quit enabling him to be irresponsible. Quit paying for his apartment or anything else. Make sure you don’t cosign for anything for him. </p>
<p>The reason he doesn’t have a job is because he doesn’t really need one - you gave him free money. The reason he didn’t complete volunteer positions (if I’m reading that right) is because he doesn’t appear to be committed to anything.</p>
<p>He needs a serious reality check and needs to grow up. He almost certainly can find a job within a few miles of his location as long as he’s able to say “would you like fries with that?” or “paper or plastic?”. He just needs to be motivated enough to find a decent job or any job at all. For your S it sounds as if he won’t be motivated as long as he can get away with following the easy path in his mind - i.e. you supporting him. </p>
<p>Tell him “NO MORE MONEY - period” (but in a nice even tone) and back it up by really not giving him more money. He’ll survive and he might just grow up in the meantime.</p>
<p>I don’t know that she’s been paying for him. She says he’s blown through graduation gift money.</p>
<p>It sounds like the grief she is experiencing may be because she knows he’s coming to the edge of the cliff where he either will crash and burn, have to move back in with her, or she will have to start giving him money.</p>
<p>It doesn’t sound like she’s been funding him - yet.</p>
I saw the part about graduation money but made an assumption that possibly a fair amount of it might have come from the OP but then also keyed off of this (my emphasis) -
</p>
<p>This is probably a good cautionary tale for people who want to hand their kids a pile of dough at graduation - it might not be a good idea. It might be best to wait until they’ve settled into a responsible position and then provide them some money they can put to good purpose rather than just blowing through it unless what you want to do is fund an extended vacation for them. </p>
<p>I realize this money could have come from others besides the OP but having enough money to live on in an expensive apartment, even when shared with others, for 5 months or more is a lot of cash.</p>
<p>Regardless of the funding source to date, I think it’s important that the OP not get sucked into it in funding/enabling any more irresponsible behavior on his part whether the OP has paid anything yet or not.</p>
<p>I know there have been times when I have enabled with “just a little something”, when it would have been better to let the kid go hungry. She’d have showed up at somebody’s dinner table if I would have let it go. ;)</p>
<p>I can understand the feelings of hatred for your kid. We have felt the same from time to time. Please don’t hold onto those feelings, someday you may regret them.</p>
<p>Maybe he is depressed but honestly, he sounds like a kid that has never been made to work for what he has. Mom, stop giving him money, yes it’s hard, but he is an adult. Would you go to YOUR parents to ask for money for rent, food, etc. if you quit your job just because…? He needs to learn that life doesn’t get handed to you on a silver platter and if he has to miss a couple meals, it won’t hurt him and will most likely motivate him to get off his butt and do something.</p>
<p>There are plenty of days when I really dislike our kids, hate is a pretty strong word, but there have been days…</p>
<p>I dont think you hate him. You hate the feelings his lack of success generates in you. </p>
<p>Merry7706 you say he got into a top school and graduated. Sounds like he had some good support along the way and you have done a great job as parent. All you can do at this point is be supportive and perhaps he will outgrow this phase.</p>
<p>I have made an appointment for S with a psychiatrist in his current city. I don’t know if he will show up for the appointment or if anything helpful or useful will come out of it if he does, but I have tried. Again. I insisted he go to see a mental health counselor when he was struggling in college. I thought maybe an undiagnosed mental health issue or a substance abuse problem could be responsible for his poor grades and seeming lack of motivation, but nothing came out of it and nothing improved. (I asked him to set up an appointment for us both to meet with his mental health counselor at graduation time, but he didn’t. And since he is an adult, there is and was nothing I can do about that.)</p>
<p>I am sad, angry and frustrated and scared right now. I am not going to give him money for November’s rent. If he has enough to cover it himself, I doubt he has more than a couple dollars leftover, which won’t go far to cover food, gas or utilities. I would have thought at one point in time that if he needed money badly enough, he would have to get a job. I don’t know if I believe that anymore.</p>
<p>“I am sad, angry and frustrated and scared right now”
It’s very tough to acknoweledge that your adult kid is an adult. Very tough. Whether they act like it or not. But that’s just what he is. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I know how you feel. You just want so badly for him to do well it makes your heart hurt. Hang in there, girl. You’re doing the right thing. Give him a heads’ up that you’re cutting off the money (and you mean it this time). Maybe it will light a fire under him!</p>
<p>Hugs to you Merry. I think we can all relate on some level.<br>
I also think you are doing the right thing. I hope you can both look back on this someday relieved that you got through the tough time. I have seen it happen with several of my friends now independent and thriving young adult children.
Take care of yourself and be strong.</p>
<p>The problem here is with your own self. Very pleasantly and firmly tell him he is an adult and has all the necessary tools to have a life and good luck. Geez, you’ve got yourself in such a state that you hate him! That is unnecessary.<br>
Do you suspect a substance abuse problem? Because if that is the case, then that is a horse of a different color altogether. I have to admit that I probably would offer an adult child ONCE a rehab stint, but only once. I’d just put that on the list of things a loving parent would do for a child.</p>
<p>Merry, my heart goes out to you. You have received excellent advice, and I am glad you are not going to give him more money. This is a problem for him to figure out, and giving him money will just make the problem worse.</p>
<p>Cromette, I love your house rules! </p>
<p>I have found it helpful to use the phrase “What is your plan for _____?” when talking with older teens/young adults about their situations, rather than trying to give them solutions or nag. Even if they don’t have a plan, the question places responsibility where it belongs.</p>
<p>Do you have a plan in place or an idea of what you will say when he calls and asks for money? Most likely it will happen this month (Nov) and you need to be prepared for this. </p>
<p>No need for an angry conversation and raised voices (at least on your end of the conversation) and be avoided with proper planning. Are you ready to say ‘no?’ I mean, really ready? </p>
<p>At this time of the year, seasonal jobs are available, so if he is really hungry, he’ll take one of these jobs and he can still apply for ‘real’ jobs while doing temp work. But you must not give him more money.</p>
<p>If he asks for money, I plan to tell him to get a job – any job. I don’t know that he will ask for money, though. A more likely scenario, in my mind, is that he ignores the issue for as long as possible, mooching off his roommate until he is kicked out of there, and then sleeping on other friends’ couch and mooching off them for a while. </p>
<p>A complicating issue is that my ex purchased a ticket for S to visit over Thanksgiving since S’s grandmother is in poor health. Finding a retail job that allows time off Thanksgiving week could be difficult for S, I am guessing. However, I doubt S has even applied for any positions like that, so right now that is a moot issue.</p>
<p>When I have asked S what his plan is, he has said it is to keep applying for the same type of low-paying, few-and-far-between positions he has been unsuccessfully applying for in the past. I have told him he needs to broaden his search to include any job that brings in a paycheck. That hasn’t happened. At this point I just want him to do something. Anything.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful comments. I feel a little less alone.</p>
<p>^^^^Yeah, well, you have never walked in the OP’s shoes.
Merry, you have to disengage (I hate this word), and when you do, your anger can dissipate, and you’ll feel better. Your S will grow up when he is forced to, i.e., runs out of money, and gets no more from you. I hope your ex is on the same page. Best wishes!</p>