I Hate Him. (Is It Wrong for Parent to Hate Lazy, Lying Jobless S?)

Parent Cafe
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<p>See, to me, this indicates that SOMETHING has happened with him-you don’t generally go from being a high-performing student at a top school to WANTING low-paying grunt jobs. There is SOME reason he can’t motivate himself to do more. </p>

<p>I am not a mental health professional, and I don’t play one on TV, but having had my friend (mentioned a few posts back) encourage me to research depression, I did learn that many mental illnesses either bloom or worsen during the late teens/early 20’s, the age of your son. Perhaps if he does take your ex up on a holiday visit, if you have a working relationship with your ex, perhaps you can work together to convince your S to get evaluated while visiting with you. </p>

<p>Of course, your S has to keep any momentum going from such a visit, and it’s possible that it’s drugs or something else, but I have two young adults and anytime there was a drastic change in their behavior, it had a specific cause. My S struggled mightily, for example, after his father moved in with his fiance, his beloved grandmother died, and he switched schools all in a week’s time. It didn’t LOOK like those were the issues-it looked like a 14 yo was being a bratty slug in school. And even with counseling it took several years for him to bounce back.</p>

<p>In any case, I wish you and your son well. I hope you discover what’s going on and why, and he finds the help or motivation he needs.</p>

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<p>sopranomom is absolutely right. It’s kind of a weird “letting go” thing. You have to come to the realization (because it IS a reality) that</p>

<ol>
<li><p>He’s rowing his own boat, making his own decisions, and the only way he’s going to get through is TO GET THROUGH. He has to go THROUGH it.</p></li>
<li><p>There’s not much, if anything you can do to truly help him. Anything you do to “help” him is only slowing him down from getting THROUGH.</p></li>
<li><p>There is nothing you coulda woulda shoulda done differently. This is HIS world. HIS creation. He’s not doing this because you are a “bad mom”, he’s doing this because HE HAS DECIDED TO DO IT.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Once you really really get there, then you feel better. And then comes step #2. When he calls telling you he’s been kicked out, thrown in jail, in trouble with debt collectors, girlfriend’s broken up with him - whatever the next crisis is, you don’t get dragged into his drama and make his crisis YOUR crisis.</p>

<p>“Wow. I am SO sorry that happened to you. That really sucks. Well, I love you, son. I hope it all turns around for you. Do you have a plan? No? Well, you’re a smart guy. Make a plan that gets you out of this mess. I know you can do it. If you want to run your plan by anyone after you figure something out. Let me know. I’m glad to offer advice if you need it. Love ya, bye.” :)</p>

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<p>There are only 2 options, continue sending money or stop. So if you fee like situation needs to changed, then stop sending money. If you feel that situation should remain the same, then continue sending money. Both might have severe consequences so you need to evaluate both options against their results.
Hating is not an option as it does not do anything, it has no input into what is going on, except making you feel as a bad person, and I am very sure that you are not. So, my advice (it seems like you are looking for one, otherwise you would not post) is to stop hating, sit down with the cool head, take 2 peices of paper, write your options at the top of each and list consequences under. Then evaluate with cool head, leave hating behind as it will affect your decision making, you do not want this input into your decision making.</p>

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<p>I dunno if it’s like this for YOU, OP - but I’ve come to realize, that for me the “hate” feelings were born out of complete frustration and HURT over these two things:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>There’s not much, if anything you can do to truly help him. Anything you do to “help” him is only slowing him down from getting THROUGH.</p></li>
<li><p>There is nothing you coulda woulda shoulda done differently. This is HIS world. HIS creation. He’s not doing this because you are a “bad mom”, he’s doing this because HE HAS DECIDED TO DO IT.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>I wanted to control the situation, I wanted to kiss it and MAKE it better, I wanted to MAKE her successful, and I couldn’t. And that was just absolutely maddening to me. And on top of that - how could she BE this way? This is not what I taught her! The nerve of her to wreck her life this way! Or maybe there was something that I SHOULD HAVE done better…maybe I wasn’t the best mom I could be to her. Maybe if I had done things differently, taken more care to teach her certain things more carefully, then she wouldn’t be this way.</p>

<p>But logically, I knew - I can’t control her. I’m really quite powerless to help her. And I was the absolute best mom I could be in the moment. I did the best I knew to do and I have 2 other kids that seem fine. This really seems to be just her pig-headed decision making. She’s choosing this.</p>

<p>So then I got MAD. REALLY MAD. SHE was the reason for my pain. It was HER fault. Man, did that hack me off!? And I had moments where I thought terrible things - I thought I hated her.</p>

<p>But I realized, the only reason this upsets me so is that I LOVE HER SO MUCH. I can’t stand to see her going through this. And it wasn’t anyone’s fault I was hurt/mad. Just like she was making choices, I could make choices about how I respond and even how I feel. All I had to do was STOP IT.</p>

<p>It’s a painful journey. But somehow you can find a peace with understanding that you don’t hate him, you love him. And his decisions are his, and there’s nothing you could, would, should do. And you just give it over. Love him, be there for advice if he asks for it. Offer to help him find help - therapist, life coach, whatever…and like I said, prayer helps too.</p>

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<p>One thing that helps me all thruout my life (and I am much older than most here) is to think how fortunate I am, no matter what. I keep on telling this to everybody. This is not a tragedy. Imagine how mother of a very sick child feels? The child who is an adult and who never ever had a chance to actually live normal life? Be thankful for everything you have and we cannot have everythingm there is always something in our lives that might put us over the edge, if we let it. So, please, cool down, you are not in a worst place, list in your head all the good things that you have, many others do not have them and if you look broader than you realize how very fortunate you are. One reason why we spend money sending kids to very poor regions, the best education that they can have, the lessons for entire life. Yes, please, say Thank you and this alone will make you much happier person. If you think that I never had problems to resolve in my life, sorry, you are incorrect. But one lesson persist over and over, got to have a cool head, say your "Thank you"s and then proceed to list your options.</p>

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<p>OMG - I’m so sorry. I have no power from Sandy and iPhone sent that post through unintentionally after the first sentence. Never would have posted something like that to stand on its own. I was going to say to me, “hate” is a word used for the worst if the worst - a mass murderer like Hitler was worthy of hate. A young adult child who may be going through serious issues is another story. You may feel a lot of things - anxiety, worry, resentment, even shame, but I don’t think hate is an accurate label for your feelings or a healthy one.</p>

<p>I was also going to say that I know people who have been in situations that sound far worse than yours -with kids that were involved with drugs and stealing, who said and did cruel things to parents and siblings, who were involved with a BF who turned the D against the family, who were sent to prison for DUI, or who were dealing with depression, ADHD or other mental issues.</p>

<p>I know of happy endings and lives turned around due to parents who got their child the help he or she needed and didn’t give up. Few of the success stories were due to a totally hands off philosophy, although there were certainly elements of tough love involved in some cases. </p>

<p>In your case, your S has apparently been going through a difficult time for a number of years already, but you have little understanding of the reasons for it. My first priority would be to figure out what is going on, if at all possible. I would not put any faith or reliance on some ineffective campus counselor he saw while in school. When the money runs out, I would welcome him back home under the condition that he gets the help he needs. And if he’s not willing, make sure he knows that you will be there with the same offer when and if he wants the help. He’s a young adult -his life story is far from written. Hang in there and good luck.</p>

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<p>Thank you, thank you, thank you! All of you. Cromette, that is exactly where I am coming from. I feel like this S is a bird who has hopped out of the nest and either can not or will not fly. I am sad and scared and sick with worry about what is going to happen to him, but I can’t make him fly, and trying to protect him from the stuff that threatens him is only taking away what could or should or might motivate him to start flapping his own wings.</p>

<p>I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist for him. I will pay for the appointment if he goes, and I will pay for follow-up treatment/counseling. (If there is really something physically wrong with his wings, I don’t want to leave him to be torn apart by a dog.)</p>

<p>I love this kid. I have loved him since before he was born, and I have loved and supported and defended him throughout his life. He is a very smart kid who never had to work hard at school or anything else until he got to college. I don’t know if there was a mental or physical issue that prevented him from doing well in college or if he just didn’t want to work hard enough to do well there or if he lost confidence in himself, but basically he just lurched through none-too-gracefully, seemingly just trying to get the hell out. (Mental health counseling in college went no where.) Now he is out of college, living in an expensive city that he chose, and whatever efforts he has made to become self-supporting have been unsuccessful. He does not come from a well-off family. The money he was given for graduation and that he has gone through took me a long time to earn and save, and would have made a nice downpayment on a car or towards a house. This young man has been given so much, from a standpoint of brains and opportunities, and he has repeatedly made decisions that make life harder for him (and the people who love him). And that is why I feel so much animosity towards this person who is causing so many problems for someone I love so much – my son.</p>

<p>I do realize that this situation could be a lot worse, and that many parents are dealing with scarier things than this. I hope and pray my son’s situation gets better instead of worse.</p>

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<p><strong><em>sniff</em></strong></p>

<p>Girl, you have no idea how much I feel you - but I believe there is joy in the morning.</p>

<p>Be strong, hang in there. He’ll be okay one day. :wink: He had a good teacher, and he’s smart. He’ll get it figured out. It might be painful to watch him…but he’ll do it.</p>

<p>I think if you can convince him to go get some help like you’re trying to, it will help him sort it out and get back on track.</p>

<p>Sometimes these kids who have been given so much and to whom everything came so easily get shell-shocked when they get to college and have to juggle life, which is hard, school-work, which is NOW hard, and a brand new social life - which for some of these “smarties” can also be quite difficult. Sometimes they fall in with other “smarties” who are also having trouble, and they just multiply their trouble together. HE probably knows where he got off track, and it would be helpful to his getting back on track to have someone to talk to about it, if he will.</p>

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<p>Good post. I can’t speak for OP, but I wasn’t offended by your original post. Until I had that experience with my daughter, I could not have imagined hating her either. Not in my wildest nightmares. </p>

<p>How could I judge you harshly for a view I once held myself? </p>

<p>There are A LOT of parents who feel this way and would never speak it because of the guilt associated with those feelings. It’s like a vicious cycle.</p>

<p>Merry is courageous for voicing it. Until this thread, I never shared those feelings with anyone except my husband, who is a mental health professional, and was very supportive. He told me, “Honey, I hear this ALL THE TIME from grief and guilt stricken parents who have been through the wringer. You are DEFINITELY not alone, and DEFINITELY not a bad mom. You’re a GOOD mom. That’s why it’s so painful.”</p>

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<p>In my experience, it’s the “smart” ones who are most easily able to direct counseling sessions so that they “go nowhere”. It takes a talented, equally smart counselor to get the person in the zone where they clearly don’t want to be-where they examine themselves and their issues. My ex explained to me one time how it took a few tries for him to find a therapist who would call him on hiding his “stuff” and focusing on things that were ultimately not as important. The guy is a Mensa member-very brilliant, but it was easier for him to blame me, his parents and who knows what else, before they figured out depression, ADD and some Aspergers thrown in were the source of much of his trouble. </p>

<p>So-if the sessions while your son was in college didn’t pan out, that doesn’t mean that no therapy will EVER help him. Hopefully he won’t be rounding 40 when it happens. If he isn’t ready, no amount of pushing will help, but even when they don’t show it, our kids appreciate the love and emotional support we give them, wherever they are.</p>

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<p>As a parent with a 25 year old seemingly never going to graduate, I understand what you are going through. </p>

<p>I think it will pass and hopefully one day, you will realize, as I did, you did your best by him and he made some bad choices. We are parents and not god and there is only so much we can do. </p>

<p>I hope your son and mine will eventually go down the right path for them one day.</p>

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<p>Maybe he needs to fail to realize that life is serious. </p>

<p>Do not beat yourself up over it. The boy will either get it or fail</p>

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<p>Update: S did go to the psychiatrist appointment late last week that I had made for him. How do I know? A couple minutes before the appointment he called me from the doctor’s office because they wanted his insurance policy number, etc. (S has been given an insurance card and info numerous times.)</p>

<p>Aside from that, nothing. He didn’t respond to a texted request to give me a call this weekend, or pick up when I called him last night. It is hard not to worry, although I know that not responding is quite typical behavior for him, whether dealing with professors, a boss, siblings, or a parent.</p>