I’m running out of options or hope as I’m 30 and never had a relationship

College Life
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It’s hard to put this out and I feel a bit embarrassed, but it hurts a lot being single my whole life. I’ve always desired love and to love someone back, sharing my life with another person and going through life’s endeavors together. I’ve posted this back a few years ago: Is it normal or acceptable to be 27 and never had a girlfriend or kissed

I’ve been part of a large church for 5 years in a major city and have gotten involved in community groups (10-15 people) meeting for study on weekdays. The things I haven’t done was excelling in intramural sports or being part of church leadership which I attribute to me being unattractive. The few times I played pickleball and I do badly, I don’t try again because I don’t like how I look. People will say “who’s this ugly loser, he’s wasting our time”. I don’t have body dysmorphia, but I’ve been obese throughout college and couldn’t make lifelong friends except for my only roommate who’s now married and we barely talk.

I’ve lost the weight as of a year ago but still have a recessed jaw and have been considering genioplasty. It’s not covered by insurance and based on my financial status, I’d have to consider cancelling my health insurance the rest of the year to pay for the procedure.

Yes, it’s crazy, but seeing everyone around you get married and love while nobody cares about how you feel is appalling pain, and I’ve never had a fun personality because I’m introverted so I have to base my personality on how I look.

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Well, undoubtedly you are not alone! Many people struggle to find romantic partners. My best advice would be to focus on counseling/therapy. That is FAR more important than plastic surgery. I have found that when people have good self esteem, and are happy in (and with) themselves the rest falls more easily into place.

ETA from your earlier posts, I see you are on the autism spectrum. I think people who are neurodivergent often struggle to fit into a neurotypical world. For that reason I would suggest a therapist familiar with high functioning autism, and the issues that can present.

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Please do NOT cancel your health insurance–especially if planning to undergo a surgical medical procedure which can lead to serious medical complications.

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I have to completely agree with this statement. When you do things for you, and not for others, you will be attractive.

You do catch more flies with honey. When you stop looking for a partner, a partner/friends will come to you.

As a Speech Pathologist, I worked with a lot of students and young adults who are/were on the spectrum. We focused on them getting into activities that they really enjoyed. We focused on a lot of games.
When we played games, the focus wasn’t to win. The focus was to enjoy the games. That’s a big difference. My students thought that I wanted them to win.

We worked once a week on sarcasm. We also used Children’s joke books and deciphered why the jokes were considered funny. I also had a rule that jokes could not be at the expense someone’s feelings. This was a really tough concept to teach.

I remember having to teach them an example joke not to use. I used the joke: what’s black and white and ‘red/read’ all over? It’s a newspaper and not a dead zebra. They didn’t get either joke and it had to be explained.

At the high school level, I forced them to join clubs that they would have never attended. The difference was we had a lot of student aides. If they felt that they needed an aid to attend with them, we sent an aid with each student. The clubs? Origami, Drama, Baking, sewing, Backwards scrabble, gardening, etc.

For our young adults: Movie/film critic, Meals under 20 minutes, Advertising bombs, etc.

It’s really hard, socially, when you categorize yourself as looking different or unattractive. Many of us, myself included, at one point have had to see a counselor for a variety of issues. It’s not something people discuss in public, but it is something that is beneficial for your mental health and well being.

On a personal note, I’ve never been considered physically attractive, but I compensated by trying to be kind and being at my best. My husband said that he was instantly attracted to me because I always had a sparkle or light in my eyes. I had four relationships that I would consider serious. They all said the same comment: that I put people at ease when they meet me. You can do this too.

Edited to add: if you were diagnosed as being on the spectrum by your high school or by a facility, you qualify for services for a life coach through your county. This includes mental health services. You wouldn’t have to use your insurance; you would just use the county’s funding. The services are through your vocational rehab county program. Our program was called Workability.

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It is understandable that you feel frustrated. As has been suggested in some of your past threads, seeking the assistance of a therapist is worth considering. There are professionals such as fitness trainers, life coaches, dating coaches, stylists and similar whom you could consult. As you are well beyond the age of most college students and have made similar posts in the past, it isn’t really appropriate to seek advice from this particular forum.

Closing.

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