<p>In our house, all rules were about safety, not control. My kids came to understand this. </p>
<p>Personally, I would leave the girl out of it. For us, just, at 16 driving our car, we need to know we can trust you. And we need to know where you are, for safety reasons. </p>
<p>We don’t care who else is involved. This is about you and about us. Trust. Nothing else, because it doesn’t change depending on other people. </p>
<p>Either way, good luck</p>
<p>OP here, arbargy made me smile with his over-the-top description of how this girl was probably leading my son astray. Because in this momma’s heart, it’s exactly like that. But don’t worry, we won’t be offering up any girls from Sunday school as sacrificial lambs. </p>
<p>Dad really did come down hard on how this girl is a bad influence but I think from here on out, we will focus on the driving issues as well as his personal responsibility for his actions.</p>
<p>I don’t know if someone mentioned this, our carrier allows us to block data/txt from certain times/days. We never bothered with it. The school was a complete dead zone. They had to go well outside the bldg after school to call or txt if they needed a ride/were staying after/etc. We had cells out of their office during hw (kitchen table), and on school nights they got placed outside their doors at 11pm (they used the alarms so we’d put them back in at 5am). One was a bit worse about txtng during hw (GF) which started the rule. I hated to do it but he got a lot of warnings. Every time I heard “this is stupid” I’d reply “yes it is and I’m embarrassed for you”. </p>
<p>Driving rules were pretty strict. They weren’t allowed to have any passenger that wasn’t related until they were 18. Two graduated as they were turning 18. The youngest is 18 as a Sr but is so used to the rule will not drive anyone else without express permission. We haven’t experienced the bad influence GF but we have friends. We tried to focus on the behavior and poor decisions the kids made. My parents forbid me to see someone. That relationship drug on over two years. If they’d left it alone it would have died a natural death by 6mos, guaranteed. As much as you can leave the girl out of it an focus on the behavior, lying and rule breaking. That’s plenty to work with!!</p>
<p>Good luck. Parenting young adults/late teens is not for the faint of heart!!</p>
<p>Blueiguana, I LOVE your response. We get “This is not reasonable” a lot. </p>
<p>So, last night S mentioned that he had set up a campus visit for the school where Not A GF goes. Dad said, “you are not to see her when you go there. You are there to see the school, not visit friends.” This will be in 2 weeks. What do you think? I was planning to say we could meet her for lunch but he could not “hang out.”</p>
<p>Classic mistake? Forbidden girlfriend is a classic Shakespearean plot for a reason. </p>
<p>Or the Buddhist. “You create what you defend against”</p>
<p>It’s not the girl but your son you need to trust. It’s not about her. Have your husband examine what he thinks he will accomplish with this. He won’t get to choose your sons partners. </p>
<p>Again, good luck</p>
<p>I think what your husband said sends a very clear message that you are trying to keep him away from the girl. When people go on college visits, they often see friends that go to the same school even have friends give them a tour, etc. Personally, I don’t think you should forbid him to see her for a little bit, if he wants. Lunch sounds good too, because it shows you are willing to get to know her and not just completely don’t want her around.</p>
<p>Agreed with Poetgrl, he will rebel if dad keeps this up. Most people would, and I wouldn’t necessarily even blame him for it. Dad’s reaction is too extreme and misdirected (S is the one who broke the rules - the girl should not be getting blamed).</p>
<p>I think you should have lunch with her as it will give you a chance to get to know her. I’m with everyone who says that banning the NaGF will only blow up in your faces. Chances are she will not still be NaGF/GF by the time school starts (and hopefully sooner) anyway!</p>
<p>I actually think having lunch or coffee with her would be hilarious and possibly also (while not effecting son’s behavior other than him being horrified) effect the girl’s behavior…in that combination of nice, yet “I have my eye on you” and a smidge of pseudo concerned “you must be overwhelmed here at school since you are hanging out with 16 yo boys from hometown.”</p>
<p>D2 had her first BF last spring. Both H and I thought he was weak in character, but we didn’t say anything. We took him out to dinner when we visited her. He came to our apartment for dinners few times, whenever D2 wanted to visit him in NJ we didn’t voice any objections. Sure enough, over the summer they broke up because he was a jerk. I was so happy when they broke up that I bought her a boyfriend-break-up-bag right away before she changed her mind.</p>
<p>Agree with poetgrl, forbidden fruit is always better.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I imagine that he sees the symptoms of a dopey, infatuated romantic teen boy and knows he needs to be snapped out of it. </p>
<p>Of course its about the girl. Would anything about this situation have occurred without her? Does he normally spend weekends chauffeuring people around town? Does he normally tell transparent lies he knows he will get busted on? Would the college be even on the short list if it wasnt for this girl he is crushing on?</p>
<p>^^^ Even if ALL you say were true (which I don’t agree with) no one (OK, not most people, at least) ever snapped out of a bad relationship by having their parents forbid it.</p>
<p>It’s not about the girl - it’s about the attachment he feels, whether it be infatuation, like, love, or anything in between. If a girl was a senior in high school, like him, he may be breaking curfew or driving her around to concerts or parties. Yes, it’s not uncommon for people to start breaking rules because of a relationship. Saw it all the time in high school - and my friends were a good group of kids, certainly not under the influence of the significant other. I am not saying the parents should do nothing, but it’s not at all uncommon, and it doesn’t mean there is some “bad influence”, just strong, first feelings.</p>
<p>TempeMom, I would not take jabs at the girl. I think it’s pretty rude, and I am sure it would make son angry (no unjustifiably so). I think it’s pretty underhanded to invite someone to lunch and then spend time making them feel uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I absolutely think she should go and mock the girl. Perhaps call her a strumpet to her face. A doxie. A hooligan. Maybe make fun of her mom wearing combat boots too. </p>
<p>Sarcasm aside, actually meeting the girl or reconnecting does serve a useful purpose. As parents you become real people to her. Real people she may be less likely to paint as evil or dumb or “who cares.” That said, I might not be above saying that we’d appreciate her help/awareness because while she is in college, Johnny is only 16 and subject to our rules and that last little trip got him in a lot of trouble.</p>
<p>Just a peek at what can happen when you forbid kids to see each other…
They will go to extreme lengths to see each other. EXTREME. You really don’t want that. Her school is only two hours away. That’s plenty of time to skip school, go see her for a couple of hours, drive home. Now he’s lied, driven a long way (broken rules), skipped school so missed work (facing detention and 0’s for the day?). He has no car? I’m sure she has plenty of friends who do and can borrow one to come see him on a skipped day. OR he says he’s sleeping overnight at a friends. He goes to the friends, drops his phone so when you ‘ping’ him he looks like he’s there, then heads off to the NaGFs school for the night. When he gets home and you’re upset he didn’t answer his phone “omg, I’m sorry mom. We were in his basement and there’s like no signal down there.” And on, and on, and on. You’ll have far more control over the situation if he doesn’t have to come up with an elaborate scheme to see her all the time. Do not underestimate the creativity of hormones. I’m sorry, but it’s very hard to block nature. Better to tame it. </p>
<p>And if you’re very, very lucky your son will be a victim of the ritual Turkey Drop. ;)</p>
<p>Now Tempe is making me laugh! There’s some merit in being seen with neatly dressed prospective student and square mom in NAGf’s favorite lunch hangout. Even better if I stand up and holler “Hey Susie, we’re over here!”</p>
<p>This school is one of few in the state which offer anything close to S’s major. So it was legitimately on the list, but I’m sure it would have been met with scorn without this extra “wow” factor.</p>
<p>Ponder this…she has no license, no car and has found it impossible to get rides in the past unless DS takes her. Wonder if that will change?</p>
<p>If you’re going to be there, all the more reason for you, S and Ngf to have a nice lunch or snack at one of her favorite places on campus. It is interesting that she has no other rides or means of transport but your S. interesting.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yeah thats why my advice is to force the kid to move on. Leaving him grounded with nothing to do but complain on Facetime and Skype about how unfair life and his parents are to an sympathetic audience makes things worse. I think he is the type that needs a dutch uncle.</p>
<p>None of us have factual data about all of the players and all of the situations involved. If we are going to offer any advice beyond platitudes were going to have to make some assumptions about the players. I told you what my assumptions are and I color in some of the blank spaces in this portrait. Humorously. The OP can decided if the premises of my advice have any resonance for her. Like I said, my impression is that the son is a nice kid, earnest, kind of sensitive, given to disproportionate crushes. Maybe thats all wet (as the kids say).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Yeah I already deduced that from the description of hanging out with her on the weekend. He was driving her all over. She is a user.</p>
<p>I do indeed like the idea of having lunch with her. If it were me I would find it so hard to tamp down my inner snark. 
I think making ‘Mom’ personable, even likable, makes it harder to encourage NaBF to lie. I always wanted my BFs parents to like me. I love tempemom’s idea of a little sidebar asking for her cooperation! :)</p>
<p>I never had a car growing up, and I knew I wouldn’t have one (I did work part time, but with the hours that were availabe to me, it wouldn’t be enough for a car), so I really wasn’t at all interested in getting a license in high school. My parents asked me to get one before college, just in case, but I didn’t get my license until 3 days before I left for college. In college, we weren’t allowed cars, and I still wouldn’t have money to pay for one.</p>
<p>I had about 15 hours of driving experience TOTAL. My boyfriend was the one to drive us on the rare occasion we had access to a car, as I would not at all have felt safe driving after several years of not practiving and having driven maybe 15 hours in my entire life. I can assure you I was not using him because he could drive (?!) and would have been with him whether or not he had a license. It did make it easier for us to see each other during the summers.</p>
<p>Not having a license does not a user make.</p>
<p>P.S. I do drive now!</p>
<p>If you ask her for ‘cooperation’, expect she will tell your son (especially if they are in or about to be in a relationship), and it’s really not her responsibility - he makes his own choices, so that’s just wierd.</p>
<p>Placing the responsibility for HIS behavior on somebody else is a horrible precedent. JMO</p>