<p>"Taking away the car and having the kid hang around the house face-timing with the strumpet is not helping the problem. "</p>
<p>Strumpet? Really?</p>
<p>Agree that asking another girl out as punishment is an appalling idea. </p>
<p>If OP does not want her son sitting around the house chatting online with this girl, the reasonable thing to do is put restrictions on computer/internet use. Not drag some other girl into this mess. That would, among other things, amount to using that girl. Not the best approach if her objection is that the college girl is using her son.</p>
<p>But I agree that the focus should be on the car and breaking driving rules rather than the not-a-girlfriend.</p>
<p>OP - So glad he is home safe. And yes, it was the right call to not have an inexperienced driver on the road late and tired. </p>
<p>I don’t have definitive advise on punishment. But I agree with other who said to leave the not-GF out of this. That will likely just cause revolt. </p>
<p>Focus on his inappropriate and unsafe BEHAVIOR Even if he had been driving Mother Teresa back to school, the long distance drive and lies and missed school would have been cause for huge concern. Good luck! </p>
<p>PS - I might have liked those tracking devices for the kids a few years back.</p>
<p>The kid is 16, but he is a senior, so it is not unreasonable for him to be involved with someone who is a grade older than him. I don’t think I would focus on whether the girl is right for him or not. He wanted to drive the girl back because that was probably the only place/time he could have some alone time with her. And you know with all of that hormone running wild, it was a risk he was willing to take. </p>
<p>My .02…If you were to take the car away from him, make it difficult for him to see her then he’ll just go behind your back to see her. I would come up with a reasonable guideline and in exchange for him to be honest with you where he is going.</p>
<p>Oh, I love that word strumpet. That’s one of those words that you never actually hear someone use in conversation (except for me and my sister, when we’re trying to annoy each other).</p>
<p>" He will lose all driving privileges until the end of the year and will not be allowed to drive this girl anywhere…ever?"</p>
<p>Can you still have him drive when you are in the car? Seems like a new driver should definitely get in some practice. I always wanted them to avoid a lot of freeway and night driving at first, but I don’t think he should not drive for months, right after getting his license.</p>
<p>Oh good point about continuing to get driving practice. </p>
<p>I was thinking about this more on my walk. Maybe something like the following would work? </p>
<p>“As you know, I am very upset about this whole situation because <fill in=”" details="">. My first reaction is that punoshment should be <insert harsh="" consequence="" here="">. However, I am grateful that you did finally touch base with us and save me hours of agony waiting. So I’ve decided to <insert slightly="" milder="" punishment="" here,="" with="" opportunities="" for="" increasing="" freedoms="" based="" on="" reasonable="" criteria=""></insert></insert></fill></p>
<p>Wow, thanks for all the input and I am really touched that someone was thinking about it on their walk! Well, dad came down hard about the girl so wish us luck. End of the year means December. We do have restrictions on texting and will shut off WiFi at 10 pm.</p>
<p>The school lifted their cell phone ban this year and he was texting her all day at school per phone records. I pointed out that both high school seniors and college freshmen need to spend class time focusing on class! Also think I will give the school some input on cell phone policy.</p>
<p>I am not at all convinced that it’s at all the girl that’s using him or is a bad influence or is making him make bad choices. I have seen so many parents say that in real life, when in reality (when you are looking at it from the inside, so to speak) often they just don’t want to think it’s their kid who wants to make the bad choices (it’s easier to blame an outsider). Yes, peer pressure exists, but sometimes it’s just people choosing friends that fit what they actually want to be doing.</p>
<p>Could the girl be manipulating him? I guess. But what seems just as likely if not more is that (if he truly likes her), he wants to do special stuff for her, while he is ‘courting’ her or getting ready to ask her out or whatever. He wants to take care of her, do nice things for her, spend time with her. And there is nothing wrong with that -he just needs to do it with his own money, time, etc., not sneaking his parents car.</p>
<p>Wanting to spend all your time together or texting too much is nothing unusual when you have a crush or maybe an even deeper feeling for someone. I feel everyone does that.</p>
<p>Honestly, I think you should let him invite her over, if he wants to, when you are around, not try to keep someone your son clearly cares about, either as a friend or a girlfriend, away from him. What he wants in a friend or a girlfriend may not be at all the same as what you would want. Unless you feel she is somehow actually dangerous (abusive, substance abuse issues, etc.) maybe you should let him choose his own relationship.</p>
<p>And to all those saying the age difference is inappropriate - they are one year apart in school!</p>
<p>Depending upon your cell carrier, you can block texts/calls to and from certain numbers. I know this sounds harsh to some, this is a 16 year old boy who lied (more than once), took the car and disobeyed clear instructions, stayed out after curfew, etc. If he’s texting this girl “all day at school”, are his grades suffering?Missing school because he stayed out all last night certainly doesn’t help. He needs to learn a tough lesson now, this year, otherwise you’re going to be tossing a lot of $$ out of the window if he heads off to college and can’t prioritize and figure out that school work comes before fun and games.</p>
<p>I’d seriously consider disabling text altogether if I saw my kids spending significant time texting at school. </p>
<p>Our schools allow cell phones but policy states they must be turned off during school. As it is, I know they shoot off the occasional text at lunch or whatever. That is against the rules too and if they got caught I would not have any sympathy. Their school is not super-vigilant about it (it’s a district rule) so kids can mostly get away with it when they are not in class.</p>
<p>I think your BS meter is working fine.<br>
Does shutting off wifi also keep texting off? That’s not how our data plan works. I shut off wifi sometimes so that I can go on cell data at work for lunchtime non-work (Facebook) stuff. I can still text then. Your plan may be different. You can go online and get the detailed bill.</p>
<p>I like COmom’s plan in which you are now very clear and very calm in laying out the punishment and the expectations. Show him you were mad, but you have been thinking about the situation, acknowledging what he did right and wrong, focusing on what really matters to you. Leave the girl out of it. Talk about his newness as a driver, his youth, how he has to stay on top of his schoolwork. He should be punished, he should have limits, but reasonable ones. </p>
<p>I have had to deliver speeches like this to my boys, and when I do I tell them that they will have more freedom as they get older. A sixteen year old can’t stay out until two and then skip school the next day. An eighteen year old away at school might do this; it wouldn’t be something I would recommend, but it would be his choice. He would be in a better position to make that choice at age eighteen than at sixteen. I told my kids, too, that even when they are adults, I would worry about them when they were out late, so if they were staying at home, they ought to keep me posted about a realistic eta. At that point in time it wouldn’t be so much about control as about a mother’s worry.</p>
<p>It sounds to me that he needs a strong punishment to make the point that he has used bad judgement and lost your trust. For me, it would be no car as you plan, and no phone for 2 weeks. Then when he gets the phone back, you place monitors on his usage and location. When he gets the car back, monitor the odometer, curfew limits, severe usage limits. And I would be making it very clear that he can take the bus to the CC if he doesn’t shape up. Absolutely no way i would let this kid take a car to college. Maybe have him read that ‘prom night DUI’ thread. Good luck.</p>
<p>The problem here isnt his driving ability, her STDs or his cell phone plan.
This issue is this painted doxy who has undue influence over a 16 year old. </p>
<p>Trying to treat this as a navigational issue is missing the point. As long as their relation continues in its current dynamic, she is going to be a problem for the kid. Maybe at Thanksgiving break she has has him meet her at a college party when he says that he is going to group study at the Starbucks, or maybe just tells him not to bother with SAT retakes and recommendation letters because he can just go to Directional U with her, even though the department in his major is inferior. She is trouble regardless of his mode of transport. </p>
<p>Imagine the scenario from inside the car. The OP said she was very clear that driving to the cousin’s house was the limit. “The plans kept changing”- probably she was having him drive her all around town. This woman knows that the freshfaced poppet is specifically NOT allowed to go to her college. While the hapless kid texts a transparent lie about his GSP messing up to his mother and they went out of the way, she is laughing and encouraging him to keep going. The woman <em>knows</em> she is getting the kid into trouble and she doesnt care. Can you seriously imagine this? She doesnt want to get grumbled at by her uncle so she rather take this kid four hours out of the way knowing he is facing an extensive grounding while she is back in her dorm getting high. Probably texting him about how unfair his parents are. </p>
<p>And she has such undue influence the boy went through with it, knowing he was going to be busted.</p>
<p>This is not a transportation issue. Its a situation where the woman encourages him to make bad decisions and he has an inability avoid known negative consequences in the face of her ‘encouragements’. So this will continue to come up again and again as long as they are in contact and he has her on a pedestal. </p>
<p>He sounds like a nice kid. I think I know the type of boy- earnest, romantic and feels things intensely. Increasing penalties for being loyal to the crush are just going to be an opportunity to demonstrate his ardor. He is white knighting. He is sitting home grounded thinking how he proved his loyalty to her and she is heading out the door to a kegger. </p>
<p>Her position in his conscious needs to be replaced, not suppressed. Thats why he should be asking other girls out. I am not picking his wife on this thread. Let him pick who ever he wants but he needs to engage in the real world of his own high school class and move off this inappropriate college girl. If the worst thing that ever happens to the girl that he asks to the Fall Dance is that she got asked out by that nice shy boy in class but it didnt go anywhere, well not such a tragedy.</p>
<p>We weren’t there listening in on the conversation or know their interaction. I don’t know why everyone just assumes it’s the girl’s fault. For all we know it was OP’s son who wanted to have some alone time (to have sex) with the girl, and the only place where they could have some privacy was in her dorm. Not sure why people would assume OP’s kid is a nice kid and this girl is some sort of barracuda.</p>
<p>Because the mom of some teenaged lizard king who bounces a different cheerleader off his leather clad crotch each weekend doesnt post a concerned message to CC wondering why her kid was really out with a girl who is “bad news”.</p>
<p>“We weren’t there listening in on the conversation or know their interaction. I don’t know why everyone just assumes it’s the girl’s fault. For all we know it was OP’s son who wanted to have some alone time (to have sex) with the girl, and the only place where they could have some privacy was in her dorm. Not sure why people would assume OP’s kid is a nice kid and this girl is some sort of barracuda.” <— EXACTLY.</p>
<p>SO many assumptions. Because people NEVER willingly break the rules for their boyfriend or girlfriend or even their friends - they MUST be manipulated by the bad influences. I really don’t like how everyone is demonizing this girl, who is one grade older than the guy (he is a senior in high school, she is a college freshman).</p>
<p>I have gone on at least one trip with my boyfriend in college that I didn’t tell my parents about (granted, it was by bus, not by car), and it wasn’t any undue influence. If anything, I was the one who wanted to go, because my college town was small, and I wanted to go on trips to explore the east coast.</p>
<p>How hard is it to believe that a guy might want to drive a girl around without being manipulated? I really feel maybe some people on this thread are too far removed from their high school/college experiences.</p>
<p>And P.S., just because the parent thinks a boyyfriend/girlfriend/friend is bad news doesn’t automatically make it so - she may have different values than the parents, but so may the kid. It’s not so easy to tell from internet posts WHY she is bad news. If she is bad news simply because he breaks the rules for her, again, this is nothing new and not the girl’s fault.</p>
<p>I agree with Lookingforward. Argbargy’s posts ARE offensive. Calling the girl names is just wrong. It’s especially is wrong since you have NO idea how much she influenced or didn’t influence the guy. But just wrong period.</p>
<p>Well, there was the time one of mine showed up in Canada. And the only reason we knew was the message from the phone co. But, she was in college and now knows how stupid that was. We made sure of that.</p>
<p>First thought is this wasn’t about “driving” as much as about the alone time and whatever that entailed. No driving thru December seems harsh- so long that the message is diluted. It can be stronger, with some kids, to make it a no-car and “no you can’t get a ride from us or a friend” for a month.</p>
<p>Argbargy, your posts are offensive. You may think they are funny, but some of us do not.</p>