<p>I’m sorry to read that your household is still in a chaotic state because of another video game problem. Once again though, I have to say that this IS NOT A VIDEO GAME PROBLEM. There is so much more going on with your son. If it wasn’t the video game obsession, it would be some other way of acting out. Hopefully, he’s been to a good psychiatrist for a proper evaluation. It could be depression, OCD, or a vast number or combination of things. For everyone’s sake in your household, I hope he gets treatment for his emotional problems before he goes away to college. Going away to college for some kids tends to “bring out” and flare up what were once subtle emotional weaknesses because of new stresses and the thought of having to truly act and behave as an adult. Why the xbox was even allowed under your room in the first place after your struggles over the winter is beyond me. You must insist that he go for a complete mental health evaluation. If you don’t start proper treatment now, he’s not going to be able to handle college away from home. I know this sounds harsh but I don’t mean it to be. I do feel for you and want the best for your family. Just, please realize that it’s not the video game! It’s much more than that.</p>
<p>I hope your son is not the poster on the SUNY Binghamton link on CC that goes by the name xenahort. Xenahort talks about playing video games and his grades went down so now he has to go to SUNY Binghamton. If so, he’s either a spoiled brat or a very disturbed young man. Read the thread “trapped…” on the SUNY Binghamton section of CC.</p>
<p>ctmomof3, hang in there. I empathize with your situation because my husband works long hours as well. Like you, the burden fell on me. This led to friction between us because I felt all the pressure on me and H didn’t live with it day in and day out. Do not question your concern. It is that important. You know what is going on and you are right, it needs to change.</p>
<p>You will have 2 steps forward and then two steps backward. In our case this was because DS, he is very smart and “works the system”…“I’ve been good, so I should get to use the computer, blah, blah, blah” and you want to reward good behavior, so you give in. Do not give in! The rules are established because this is what we have decided is appropriate. No discussion. He will have a fit, threaten, drive you crazy with rationalizations. Really, believe in yourself and your son. You raised him “right”. He will do the right thing as long as you do not back down. You must be strong. He is testing your resolve…he’s smart. These addiction things take time to “reset” the brain’s chemistry. You will need control of the computer during this period. I can’t say if your son has more serious mental health conditions (as others have suggested); you will have to go with your “gut” on that one, but behavior modification goes a long way (whether he gets better from computer addiction and then finds another way to act out (they are teenagers for God’s sake)) and is essential along with other treatments. Consistency was the key in our case.</p>
<p>Nysmile, no that is not him, thank God. While I do agree with some of what you said, that there is likely more to this than just liking a video game, I don’t think it is quite as dire as you may have guessed. In my heart, i recognize he is experiencing a whole assortment of anxieties, from having changed social groups, bad to good, feeling insecure since he stopped playing sports, being a perfectionist and not wanting to do something unless he can be the best or near it, he is complex yet I know him well. I know deep down this is a good kid who wants to do the right thing and he is frustrated that he is not living the life of the kid that he really is. He is really not the kind of kid to stay home all weekend, playing games. He is exceptionally handsome, tall and strapping, girls love him (not to brag but he is highly regarded by the girls) but if he is not feeling 100% about himself, then it doesn’t matter how much attention he gets. We are getting him therapy;as I feel its important he be able to speak to someone totally objectively. I am confident we will get through this (not without my having aged quite a bit) but I am fine with that if it means him getting better and feeling good about himself and in charge. Today we went back to rationing, he had the system for an hour, and before the hour was up, came to me…all showered and looking better than he has in a long time, ready for get this… A DATE!! My heart danced with happiness and joy over this tiny step towards “normalcy”, the weather here in CT. is splendid and it would be a crime for any kid to be in on such a day. This was a big thing for both him and myself. So while I know our battle rages, I am hoepful that he is starting to see the light and just getting bored with these silly games, eto be continued…yes I agree, vtmt, consistency is THE most important thing, for sure.</p>
<p>ctmomof3, thank goodness that poster is not him! lol Be strict and do not let him take any game system to college. My concern is that his addictive behavior (OCD tendancies) will just be transferred to something else. That’s why I suggest getting professional help before he goes away to college. The stress on freshmen (fear of failure, lack of sleep, new surroundings, etc.) often triggers a worsening of OCD unless a treatment plan by a psychiatrist has been in place and successful. It sounds as though you’re on top of the problem and ready to be strict, firm, and consistent. Please remember this–if this behavior continues despite your efforts within the home, chances are that he can’t control his behavior. Even if he miraculously controls his video game obsession, most likely it would be replaced by another OCD behavior If it is indeed OCD, a person can’t control the behavior (it’s anxiety driven) without medical intervention. Here’s the good news—it is treatable. Good luck and best wishes.</p>
<p>Thanks Nysmile for your comforting words, I know this has to be dealt with one careful step at a time and believe me also know it won’t disappear. Lately though I am starting to feel the slightest bit hopeful and I use the word cautiously, we are also getting him therapy which is very key in battling this addictive behavior. Will keep you posted…thanks!</p>
<p>We are all rooting for you, ctmom. Best of luck!</p>
<p>thanks, bengal mom. After a few rocky days…we have had two really good ones. I am crossing my fingers and know it doesn’t unfortunately go away with the snap of a finger but am trying to stay positive,etc…will keep you posted. Thanks once again for all the support,well wishes and kind words…believe me it really propped me back up when I needed it!:)</p>
<p>my parent’s, when myself and my older brother played games all night also, tolerated it. you can only play so much. and we tend to grow out of them. but out mother also let us do whatever we wanted if we got good grades. </p>
<p>you should somehow install that system in. good grades=game time. need more incentive? Good grades for every quarter/semester, give money. My friends mom gave my friend 100 bucks for every A he got. 25 for B+. I personally had access to unlimited amount of money (relatively) if i had straight A’s. I mean I would just ask my dad to buy me something or for his credit card and would be like let me see your report card. okay here. Seriously I worked so hard to get that money.</p>
<p>My dad resorted to taking away the cable that you need to play with when we slacked off.
Sometimes he kicked me out but that was for something else… hahah.</p>
<p>dont worry. we all have our phases.</p>
<p>ctmomof3,
WOW has also caused much tension in our home for about two years. My son has a bit of that addictive personality also, and I have seen it many times over the years. First it was the GameBoy years ago that he could not put down. Then it was the Nintendo, which was removed several times because of deteriorating behavior, then taken away permanently. XBox times came and went, as did various computer games. But WOW was his first online mega-multiplayer game. I hate it. I once found him playing it in the middle of the night. Then, we started giving him a timer, and a limited amount of time on school days (usually an hour), and a bit more on weekends. I know that H and I have not been strict enough about rules on this, but we kept hoping he would “come around”. Stupid on our part.
He started making up his own rules about when the timer would be running, and would turn it off if he wasn’t actually doing something active at that moment. Then often “forget” to turn it back on when he started playing again. As you can imagine, one hour would often turn into 2 or more. All this did not help his trustworthiness factor in our eyes, and things have slowly been getting worse and worse, in his lying about the game, as well as his general behavior. After a large blowup over his disrespect and attitude toward me, I took away the computer mouse for a week. He can ONLY have it to write school essays or assignments. Not even any iTunes. Nothing else. It has been heaven. His behavior is still sporadic, but I have seen a slight increase in the better times.
He now knows that I mean business, and I have taken his disrespect for so long now, that I no longer care what he thinks of me and what I “do” to him.
In your descriptions of what things have been like in your home, I can really relate, and I feel so very badly for you. I know the pain you have dealt with. I have felt quite alone trying to handle this also. My H is a rose-colored-glasses kind of guy and never wants to think things are as bad as they are, especially because he isn’t here dealing with S as much as I am.
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I unerstand and I wish you strength to get through this challenge you have been handed. Best always.</p>
<p>Just my opinion: A timer won’t work. It may be palliative. But its like one drink for an alcoholic. It just awakens the compulsion.</p>
<p>For my addictive personality son the best thing we ever did was send him on a NOLS trip as I mentioned previously. It was 5 weeks in the wilderness. He came home excited to try new outdoor physical activities. He realized how much time those games suck out of your life. He knows how quickly he can fall back into the trap. But we can remind him and it usually works.
One other thing to watch out for. I have noticed the same boys who fall into this trap can also get addicted to internet gambling. Another time and money drain.
Once away at school your son will have many distractions. My son has found no shortage of guys to play video games with. The amount of time they spend playing xbox is absurd. If you are not careful you can get so involved that you are skipping class. It is always easy to find others to play with. I would have some serious thought about how you are going to handle him going off to school. He will then have to police himself. I would be hesitant at your point to pay for an expensive school.
Several posters have suggested al anon-</p>
<p>I agree that something away would be fantastic for him, the problem is getting him there, he does not at all want to go away and I can’t shove him on the plane though I wish I could because I know in my heart it would be the best thing for him, to get away, meet new people, get the chance to do something productive that will make him feel good and worthy about himself.
Bengal, sorry to hear of your troubles. When you said you once woke up to see him playing in the middle of the night, mulitiply that by 20 and that is what its been like for us. its been a total tug of war for a loooong time now, very very draining. A good kid at heart but he has been seducted by a meaningless nothing game, quite heartbreaking to witness. We are starting to get things a bit more under control, I am on top of him endlessly and believe me its exhausting but I determined to get this under wraps. I know this is a phase that too shall pass but it must be addressed. We are working on it, every day…baby steps one little step at a time. Thanks to all for your kind words.</p>
<p>If he’s already in a good college and his grades are still fine, I dont know why you’re stressing out. Sounds like you could find better things to worry about.</p>
<p>vyse - read the backstory linked in post #22 for a more in-depth understanding of the op’s problem with her son.</p>
<p>How about telling him to get a job? He needs to get a job after school and use his free time to make some money so he can contribute towards his college expenses. If he wants to go to college, he needs to be willing to get a job and help pay for it. If he refuses, tell him you refuse to pay for college because it’s obviously not a priority to him and he’s not willing to give to up his immature video games and start acting like an adult. Continue therapy for him. Throw the darn xbox away or donate it to a youth center. No kid his age should have that much free time to waste by playing video games. School, extracurriculars, community service, and jobs fill the time of most kids in our town. Have him read my other “thread” on CC titled “A true American hero”. Perhaps it will help him to realize the importance of finding his purpose in life. Getting a job may be a good start–cashing a paycheck after a hard week of work will give him a sense of independence and confidence. Definitely, insist on continuing therapy (once he turns 18, you can’t make him go). If he doesn’t comply with your rules, remind him that once he’s 18 and graduated from High School, he needs to move out because your job is done and it’s time for him to take responsibility for his own life.</p>