From time to to time over the last few years, I have told my almost thirty daughter, “no pressure honey, but grandma and grampa would like to see a great grandchild before they go.” And I meant “no pressure.” I was an older my myself.
When my dad passed a few months ago, though, I couldn’t help but think he really would have liked to see a great grandchild.
I worry about losing my cognitive abilities as I get older, but I also think about how I much I will miss seeing more chapters in the the family saga. I will miss the descendants I don’t even know I have.
My MIL & FIL were delighted they were able to celebrate our D’s 1st birthday before MIL died. They loved watching our kids, even though they cried nonstop while they were awake when we were away. They never admitted it until we asked them, since my family said that the kids cried for them. They were so glad that my BIL adopted two kids that and we had our two kids before MIL died. FIL got to spend some time with all 4 grandkids before he died.
Two days after I wrote the post about how we are dealing with my husband’s Alzheimer’s Disease, an acquaintance of mine died overnight at a B & B in NY where she was visiting with friends. She was a young 65 and has a 27 year-old daughter and 30 year-old son. Her husband left her for a younger woman two years ago. She was devastated and she’s been traveling the world almost full-time since then. She lived a full life full of travel, art, volunteering, and was a treasured member of our community. Everyone is in shock at her passing, especially her daughter who was living with her mom. She lived every day to the fullest, although she suffered from depression at times. Her Facebook friends got to travel with her via photos over the years, and, especially the last two years. She could have stayed in her house feeling sorry for herself, and what a waste that would have been. She lived right up to her last breath!
Yesterday I visited someone in ICU ( he is 44) and there were two very elderly looking people on respirators in other rooms. At the end of the day, someone I know through others lost their 6 y/ o to leukemia treatment. Doesn’t seem right
My kids had all four grandparents until 15 months ago, and now they have lost both grandfathers. By the time I was their ages (26, 29, 31) i was married and had 2 of my 3 kids, so they got to enjoy many wonderful experiences with my parents. Not as involved, we were geographically close to my FIL/MIL so they saw them all the time, too. I find myself sad that my dad never got to meet S1’s GF, as they started dating a month before he died; he would have loved her. Now her grandmother is gone too, and I am just so sad that generation did not have the nachas of seeing them married. But the world is different and moves on a slower timetable in some ways. As i am now much older than any of our parents were when my kids were born, I do hope I’ll be around to enjoy the next generation…that’s pretty much all the bothers me right now, the possibility of not knowing my grandchildren.
I realized a couple of years ago that I was the same age my MIL was when I first met her. My memories of her are that she was old and sedentary then, and slowed down from there. Now she loved and doted on my kids, and cooked and sewed and played and read with them, but walking to the park next door was a workout for her. So those memories inspire me to be more active - she was much younger when she had her kids. My kids are both single now, not sure how old I’ll be when meeting the other parents of my grandkids.
But then, I don’t see anything in particular that needs finishing.
My kids are grown and independent. I have no major responsibilities left. I do have one minor one – helping my daughter and her fiance with arrangements for their wedding next year. But if I were out of the picture, they would manage – either on their own or with the help of someone from his enormous family.
“Poof” would be just fine with me and would cause minimal trouble for others.
My father died suddenly at the age of 83. While still completely independent – living on his own, driving, actively involved in the community – he sat down in front of the TV one evening and never got up. This was exactly what he would have wanted. He had seen other family members go through prolonged illnesses and declines. He hoped that things wouldn’t go that way for him. When his best friend called me with the news of his death, my first thought was “Oh, Dad, I’m so glad for you.” Yes, of course I would have liked to have had him around a while longer. And of course I miss him. It’s been 12 years since then, and I still miss him. But it was more important that he got the ending he wanted.
I am more concerned with not dying when I am at a point when I no longer want to live. I have an aunt who will turn 105 this month. She is virtually deaf and her dentures were lost in a trip to the hospital so she is without teeth. Her short term memory is shot, although she still has here long term memory. She was determined to live to 100, which she did, but says it has been all down hill since then. She never married or had children, and all of her friends have died. She has said for a while that she would rather die than live as she does, but physically she could have another year or two in her. Very sad.
@CountingDown, I wonder whether attitudes change as people grow older.
I’m 61. Last night, I got caught outdoors in a thunderstorm, and it was a 15-minute walk back to where I had parked my car. I was genuinely frightened, even though dying by getting struck by lightning is a classic “poof!” situation.
I wonder how I would feel if the same thing happened later in life. If I were 71 or 81 instead of 61, would I have welcomed the possibility of a quick end by lightning?
This reminds me of a conversation I had with my mother soon after the Brussels bombings. We’re headed to Amsterdam next week for a river cruise and I asked if she had any trepidation. Her immediate response (predicted by all 3 of my children) was, “I’m 84 - what happens, happens” to which I responded, “I’m 60 - there’s more I want to do!” We’re going!
"We are people in our 50s who are unraveling the finances of parents who can no longer do it themselves. . . . Now, neither of them can remember much about their finances—where the accounts are, what bills they need to pay, email addresses, passwords, subscriptions, keys. . . . Here is what we’re doing differently for our children:
We aren’t going to leave them with haphazard records, and notes left in handbags. We have written out a clear, comprehensive list of assets, debits, passwords and sign-ons. It is in a safe place that a trusted family member can get to.
It is a chore that is easy to put off, but it took just an hour at first, then we update it as needed."
Marian, with the two major medical strikes I’ve had, I just fear the third one will be the last straw. My initial prognosis fourteen years ago was 3-5 years. I’ve gotten a lot of bonus time. I’m not ready to go. I am finally getting a clear picture of what I want my life to be.
But OMG, my DH is terrified beyond words about something happening to me because he will have to deal with it. Not that he would ever tell me that – but it shows up in many ways, not many of them supportive, .
All that said, my grandmothers and mom were more than ready to go and prayed for it every day. My mom became totally bedridden at age 64 and spent her last ten years completely dependent on others for everything. Her mind was intact, but her body was disintegrating. It was a relief when she was no longer suffering.
Prognoses can be wildly inaccurate because as you have learned, medicine is often more of an art than a science. I’ve already exceeded the dire prognoses I was given, as have many of the patients I know and support.
Attitude has a bigger influence than many other factors, IMHO. I too have much more I want to do and I want to continue to participate in my kids’ evolving lives. My docs have now agreed that I will likely die of causes other than what I was diagnosed with in 2000–most likely “old age.” Who knows?
@busyparent Yes, it was a heart attack. She complained of not feeling well during the last few days before she died. We need to pay attention if something feels off. And, keep aspirin handy to chew in an emergency. It could save your life, I guess.
I was always slightly jealous of someone I went to school with from the time we were in grade school through high school. She was beautiful and talented. I’d Google her every few years or so. She was a successful author, she became head of a department at a top 25 university. Her husband won a Pulitzer Prize. I’d sigh, then go back to my life.
I just googles her and found out she died 5 years ago, and had no children. All the his time I’ve vaguely wished I had her life. Now it turns out I wouldn’t want her life at all.