<p>My D has not come home yet. She is doing much better than me. I still tear up at times. I know she wants to come home soon. The 2 hour drive is a miserable one and she does not have a car on campus. During the weekend we have a younger D who has sport commitments on both Sat. and Sun. and I work a 2nd job that requires me to work on Sat. and Sun evenings. It sucks to put it midly but we needed the extra money. She is talking about getting a ride with someone this weekend. I hope it happens. I am glad she isn’t crying or miserable because I would be beside myself. Just listen to your D and if you have the means to go there by all means do.</p>
<p>On rare occasions, I used to cry on the phone to my parents during our weekly phone call, they consoled, and we hung up. I felt much better. My poor Mom was a wreck all week, and asked for an update the next week. I couldn’t even remember the topic I had brought up, having moved on. Her listening helped me, but when I think of it, I wasn’t fair to her to use her that way. I didn’t know that was happening on her side until many years later, when we talked about it as a pattern to break. </p>
<p>Of course, it’s different if ALL you’re hearing is sadness and sorrow each time they call. But an occasional sob-call (not what the OP was describing–hers is more steadily sad) should be just accepted as part of college, for some kids. If they were home, you’d be used to it; there’d be airspace around the kid or you’d hear from behind closed doors. The phone intensifies everything into this tinny little voice machine. When someone cries on a phone to me now, I can’t forget it; it’s really upsetting.</p>
<p>cmbmom - Sounds as though you and your husband have come up with a good plan that fits your daughter’s needs at this time in her life. I think it is very positive that she is staying on campus Friday nights, participating in activities. </p>
<p>Another interesting dynamic that seems to happen when they have your ‘permission’ and the freedom to come home when they feel the need, often THAT is all they need - they don’t seem to come as much! It seems to take a huge weight off their shoulders as they sort of have a ‘back up plan’. “If I am lonely, or everyone else is leaving on the weekend, or I need the comfort of my family - I CAN GO HOME! My parents won’t be mad at me or disappointed in me, they said I can come.” And, I would welcome her with a big smile when she comes! </p>
<p>College can be difficult in SO many ways - food is different, living conditions are almost always substandard to what they had at home, academically it is harder than high school, you don’t know anyone, etc. etc. A recent e-mail from our younger D told of her language professor complimenting her on her excellent homework that showed great insight and depth. Our daughter said, “It was nice to have someone acknowledge my existence.” Whew!! That blew us away! As parents we maybe don’t even think about those types of challenges, we only think of the more apparent, concrete ones. Going away to a place where no one knows you, no one knows (or cares) you were the star, #1, etc. where you came from. I believe the unconditional love and support of the parent at this most difficult transition time is of utmost importance.</p>
<p>Another thought - as there are all kinds of way to parent, there are all kinds of ways to attend college. It seems like the “CC way” to attend college is to go to the highest rank school you can get into, move in, never call home, and not return home until you fly home for Thanksgiving (if even then). In our town of 25,000, most of the kids (of those who even went to college - only @ 65%) are attending local U, right here in town and are living at home. My husband and I lived at home and attended college in our respective cities for our undergraduate degrees. The next group are the kids who are attending local U and living in the dorms. I have already had parents tell me these kids visit home for the quiet and comfort of their own rooms when needed. A smattering of kids go to one of the two state Us, both @ 75 miles away. Many of them return home on weekends for jobs or just because they want to. Then I can count on one hand the number of kids who went farther than 100 miles from home. My point is that there isn’t a right way or a wrong way to attend college. There is just a right way for your student to attend.</p>
<p>teriwtt: Sounds like the daughter experienced phenomenal growth. Is it possible she is ready for an apartment in lieu of sorority house? </p>
<p>OP: I think you are being compassionate. I was among those parents who never let a child cry in the middle of the night. If the child wanted us, we were there. My S, who must have had a sleep disorder (and I took him to doctors and even a psychiatrist, and the only recommendation I received was to remove his tonsils which I declined to do because of bad personal experience) because he woke us up every night for eleven years! He finally hit on listening to Harry Potter tapes in the middle of the night, and never woke us again. He is quite independent now, but he does have a single and things to listen to in middle of the night (LOL). He’ll need the Victorian solution of separate bedrooms when he marries. Come to think of it, I like that privacy too.</p>
<p>My point has been, how do you know what weekends are like or how will you meet others who don’t go home if you aren’t at the school?</p>
<p>I just wonder why being alone is such a big deal to so many young adults?</p>
<p>What is wrong with callng home, checking in and just hanging out on the campus alone for a weekend?</p>
<p>I know many kids who have no problem being with themselves, enjoying the solitude, catching up on studying, work, taking in the sites, seeing a movie, and learning to rely on themselves for entertainment</p>
<p>that is not saying, don’t call, don’t connect, don’t call and see how little sis is doing, but do we need to be entertained all the time</p>
<p>have we raised young people who can’t be alone? who can’t spend a weekend exploring?</p>
<p>i think learning about yourself, drawing on your inner resources is pretty important as well</p>
<p>If you are staying at home and going to school that is great, it is what is it</p>
<p>But why not create opportunities where kids, if have the opportunity to explore being away from home, where those young adults can learn to draw on themselves for support and comfort</p>
<p>I just think that there is nothing wrong with being alone, and learning to like that.</p>
<p>Again, what is wrong with someone spending a weekend with themselves? Are these kids in places with absoultely no movie theaters, no parks, no lakes, no restaraunts, no museums, no buses or any kind (even long) transporation to a bigger city?</p>
<p>Maybe my Ds are different, but they, as HSers, enjoy going off by themselves and wandering around, they like being with lots of people, but then enjoy solitude, they enjoy checking in, but look forward to find ways to entertain themselves if no one is available</p>
<p>IT is a skill that will come in handy as you get older</p>
<p>Again, what is so terrible about having a weekend alone on campus, so what if its quiet…what is so wrong with that? </p>
<p>what makes a young adult so miserable to be alone- they have their room to themselves, they have a gym, they have either a campus to just hang in, or a little town, or a big city to explore</p>
<p>They can sleep in, organize their side of the room, get the bathroom, if they share, sparkly, they can see if there are any local fairs, farmers markets, flea markets, check out stores, take a hike…get ahead on studying</p>
<p>THere is something to be said for finding ways to utilize your alone time in fun and productive ways</p>
<p>Why don’t we encourage that more?</p>
<p>and those kids that can handle being alone, learned because they did it…found they did just fine by themselves for a day or two and thrived on it</p>
<p>can’t learn unless you give it a shot and don’t feel sorry for yourself if you happen to spend a weekend with out parties, etc</p>
<p>mythmom - Amen! Our youngest woke up every night for three years and we thought THAT was long - you and H are saints! Youngest D was also the one who held my hand MUCH longer than she probably should have (6th grade!). I wouldn’t grab hers, but I would leave mine dangling there so it would be available when she needed to grab on! Guess that goes on forever - we dangle and they grab on when needed!</p>
<p>My next door neighbor (now elderly) is the mother of four children. She told me the story of how when her first born son was an infant and wouldn’t stop crying, she would go outside and walk 'round and 'round the house. She said she hated it, but the doctor had told her to do that!! I thought, “And you did that because someone TOLD you to??” It was a different time and parents ‘parented’ differently. </p>
<p>I have a friend who has three grown daughters, all mothers themselves now. One went to Duke, one to Rice, and one to Northwestern. The shortest distance to any of those schools was a ten hour drive from here. She told the story of her middle daughter going to Rice. When they drove her to school and moved her stuff into the dorm, the school wanted you to leave RIGHT THEN. In contrast, when we moved younger D into school last month, there was a THREE DAY parent orientation. A more gradual seperation. Friend said they turned to leave the dorm with said daughter sobbing, with her arms extended toward them, upperclassmen holding onto her saying “It will be okay!”, and they walked away!!! Again, I thought, “And you let some school (that you were paying a bundle for her to attend!) tell you to leave??” And again, a different time.</p>
<p>Mythmom, maybe our children should meet when ready for marriage LOL. Our daughter did not sleep through the night until she was 5. I would lay on a quilt on the living room floor and she would crawl around as a baby or play with toys for hours. I often fell asleep before she did, luckily she did not get into anything she should not have. Even now, she has insomnia. It does catch up with her, by the weekend she can sleep for 12-14 hours at one time.</p>
<p>mythmom - I’m with you and had kind of wished she would have chosen an apartment this year. But with her study abroad absence from the house, she needed to put in her time (this is only her second semester in the house). She did live in a flat while in London with other girls, so she has had the ‘apartment’ living experience, just in another country! The good part is that her roommate is graduating early, and D knows the living arrangements were due to change again in January. There’s going to be quite a shuffle in the house then, too, as more girls tend go abroad in the spring. Maybe the drama of the pre-shuffle is what’s going on, and once the room situations are settled, things will settle down.</p>
<p>I did talk to her one more time last night (had to confirm some travel arrangements for parents weekend), and she was doing better. She does have plans to go out tonight (as I have plans to call her at midnight - thankfully it willy only be 11PM my time!) with friends. Hopefully this was just a fluke night, but it was just so off-base for her.</p>
<p>
Nothing, if that’s what works for the kid. But just as some are shy and some are extroverted (“What is wrong with going up to a complete stranger in the cafeteria and just striking up a conversation?” Nothing if it works for you), some become frightened, insecure, scared, whatever, when in a strange environment alone without any anchors to hold onto. It’s different when you’re alone in your familiar house in your familiar town where you know your way around. Just as there’s nothing inherently wrong with being alone, there’s also nothing inherently wrong in feeling lonely.</p>
<p>My d always loved being alone in the house, but didn’t like to travel alone, even to the city where I work. Does that make her dependent or incapable of being an adult? I don’t think so.</p>
<p>
On this one, I have to disagree with you - there are safety issues to consider. I would not encourage a 17 or 18 year old girl to go off alone into a strange city with no one watching her back, knowing where she is or when she’s expected home. Haven’t we told them for years always to travel with a friend? And if you go to the bigger city, one that you’re not familiar with, you may find yourself in neighborhoods you’d rather not explore, particularly alone.</p>
<p>It’s great that you and your Ds have the confidence to “wander around” strange places on your own. Not everyone has that confidence.</p>
<p>I still don’t get what is wrong and so scary about being on campus without tons of people around</p>
<p>Are you saing the campuses are total ghost towns every weekend?</p>
<p>And you get the confidence by doing, not by running away from your fears</p>
<p>Are some small towns so dangerous on a Saturday morning that a young adult can’t go to a farmers market by herself?</p>
<p>Are some big towns so dangerous you cant catch a bus on a Sunday morning and go to a museum?</p>
<p>It is not dangerous to take yourself out to breakfast.</p>
<p>It is this unwarranted fear that holds people back.</p>
<p>If you are so afraid of going into the local town on a Saturday afternoon to a mall to shop alone, my goodness, that is really sad,</p>
<p>Safety issues? Is your D in such a dangerous place she can’t walk any sidewalk by herself? She can’t take a bus to a movie theater alone?</p>
<p>If you don’t know about your local area, ask!!! It is simple…ask the RAs what are the best ways to get around, what places do you avoid</p>
<p>Yes, bad things happen, but not on your typical american sidewalk filled with other people, many of which are walking around all by themselves</p>
<p>We act as if feeling a bit lonely once in a while is this horrid terrible thing.</p>
<p>It is not. But is the best answer going home? I don’t think so. I thnk when you go home alll the time, you miss out on truely learning to trust yourself, take care of yourself, and see what you can handle</p>
<p>Was I foolish to send my 18 yo to NYC for 4 days, to stay in a youth hostel, and make her own way around? Nope, she grew and gained such confidence in what she could handle, her resourcefulness, her street smarts</p>
<p>We talk about baby steps, well baby steps is looking at the local newspapers, and seeing a street fair, or a museum showing, and having that as your day’s destination, looking up how to get there safely, mapquesting it, double checking to make sure you have all the correct information, calling a friend and letting them know your plans, and that you will call when you get back, so that way someone IS watching your back</p>
<p>Are we teling them that in all their lives they can’t ever go anywhere alone? Sure, at night, I would always tell my Ds to be sure and go with friends, but are we saying that they can’t do something alone on a Sunday afternoon?</p>
<p>How much of life are they missing because of fear- fear of loneliness, fear of being alone, fear of having “nothing to do”, fear of having to find something to do on your own</p>
<p>I am sad that a college student doesn’t feel comfortable enough on their own campus on a weekend to go the gym, the library, walk around, and explore the neighborhood or city they know find themselves in, sad indeed</p>
<p>when my kids were little, one was “shyer” then the other, not sure if it was shyness so much as being the young sibling, but the result was the same</p>
<p>So, we put in effort to get her to not be afraid, I remember trick or treating and she did NOT want to go up to that store counter to get her candy, so we actually made her go up there, she himmed and hawwed, but she did it…the look on her face- one she got candy, but more importantly, she got past whatever was holding her back</p>
<p>When they were little, I had them pay for the groceries, I had them run in and get the dry cleaning with me standing outside the door, I had them call to find out the movie time, I might dial, but they asked</p>
<p>When they go out, they have a plan, we have a plan, we double check everything, talk to each other, and check in, but they go</p>
<p>Maybe its because they are city girls, who discovered their inner resources early that I just don’t get this fear of stuff some people have</p>
<p>Fear holds us back from so much</p>
<p>My D wanted an internship, she called herself, took herself downtown, called me when she got a bit lost, but she soon found her way, yes she was scared and nervous, yes she knew it was a sure thing, sure she was walking into something brand new, but she did it </p>
<p>I am not judging, I am just wondering why parents feed the fear? Why we act as if being alone or lonely is something that requires going home all the time, why we don’t push them to at least TRY something new, to explore in a safe way their new worlds</p>
<p>No, cgm, I’m not saying you can’t, or that it’s bad or that anything you say is not true. I’m just saying that there are different strokes for different folks. When going to a new playground, some toddlers immediately let go of their parent’s hand and run off to play. Some wait a while, look around, and get a feel for the place. One is not “better” than the other; the kids just have different temperaments. Some kids can handle it, some can’t. </p>
<p>What I take issue with is your tone that it is always best to do things one way. That a kid who is uncomfortable alone on weekends in strange surroundings is clearly deficient in some way (or the upbringing was deficient in somee way) and this child will never grow up to be a capable, independent adult. That the parent should force or require the child to stay on campus alone.</p>
<p>I agree that the student should be attempting to find activities on campus, but that’s different than being alone.</p>
<p>By the second semester, when the OP’s daughter is more familiar with her surroundings, I wouldn’t be surprised if these issues disappear. Right now, we’re talking about a student who’s been there only a couple of weeks, and I am not surprised that she many not “feel comfortable enough” on that campus to wander. Feel sad all you want, but some kids take longer to adjust than others. I’m glad for you that you’ve never felt homesick.</p>
<p>But not everyone has the same temperament, and not everyone can handle things in the same way.</p>
<p>We can talk about what, in general, might be appropriate, might work, for most kids.</p>
<p>Here, though, OP is most interested in one kid.</p>
<p>There is a very wide range in what is normal. </p>
<p>People differ, kids differ.</p>
<p>From what I’ve heard so far, imo OP’s daughter’s desires lie within a normal range.</p>
<p>From what I’ve heard so far, OP is right to help her D along at her D’s own pace. Imo it would be wrong and counterproductive to condemn the daughter for her desire to be home. Imo it would be wrong and counterproductive to ban her from her own home on the theory that such a ban will foster greater independence. I don’t believe that it will.</p>
<p>There is a time to push kids along, and there is a time to let them set the pace. In this situation, the first month of college, I cannot fault OP for letting her D set her own pace.</p>
<p>I congratulate kids who have traveled independently on their own and at a young age. But those explorations do not constitute the goal that all kids should strive for, the standards by which all kids should be judged.</p>
<p>(cross posted with Chedva)</p>
<p>Chedva - I agree with what you are saying. </p>
<p>It also may NOT be that a kid isn’t comfortable enough to “go it alone”, it may be that they just don’t want to! We all have different strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes - they are our “constitution”, as my husband’s grandmother use to say (“Mabel doesn’t have a very strong constitution when it comes to…”). Whether it is due to genetics or environment, we all have a way that we live, inside the parameters of what makes us comfortable or not, what we like and don’t. Some thrive on stepping outside of the box, others would never put a toe over the edge. I don’t think it is for others to judge if your constitution asks you to stay inside the confines of your comfort zone at certain times. </p>
<p>Also considering someone deficient or weak because they do not want to spend time alone is not valid. The same person who might be at ease alone in a foreign place could be the person who is not accepting of the ideas of others, or reluctant to join in a sporting activity they aren’t good at, or refuses to try a very adventurous cuisine. The one who seeks home vs alone might be the one who listens to the opinions of others without judgement, will try any sport even though they suck at it, and is currently heading to a try a new Somolian restaurant in town (when they go home for the weekend 
). </p>
<p>Sometimes I hear of people who have talked to their parents nearly every day of their lives, maybe until the day the parent dies. Does that make them weak or unadventurous? I think not. I often envy people who have that strong of a bond with another human, especially a parent. Thank God we live in a place that allows us to live our lives in the manner we choose, whether that be as one who likes to strike out alone or one who prefers the company of those they love the most.</p>
<p>(I also crossposted with Chedva!! - like minds, I guess)</p>
<p>We aren’t talking toddlers here, are we? no, we are talking young adults who have to take charge of their lives, and going home every weekend to hide for lives realities is not doing that</p>
<p>And I do think there is a problem if you can’t be alone on your own college campus, sorry, I find that really sad</p>
<p>You get a feel by doing it…you get a feel by wandering over to the gym and seeing how nice it is to work out without a crowd, you try that cafe across campus you can never get to</p>
<p>And yes, I thnk a parent should really encourage an 18 year old adult to stay on campus “alone”…please she is not going to be alone…what the entire campus empties out? 99% are gone? really? I don’t believe that, and if some college kids says they are totally alone, they aren’t telling the truth</p>
<p>And yes, parents should push a bit…and you can’t handle it if you don’t do it</p>
<p>Did those moms sit with their kids in the sandbox, right by their sides, or did they step back and encourage playing with others?</p>
<p>When our kids start kindergarten, aren’t we told to let them be, let them cry a little bit, and they will be fine, and almost always are, but yet, we want to let them revert to toddlerhood, or that first day of kindergarten, running back to moms arms and not walking through that door and staying there</p>
<p>How many moms can tell the story of their tearful 1st grader pulling at their pants not wanting to walk in the building and then maybe it happens the next day, but the sooner mom lets go, the sooner the child got used to their new environment and started to enjoy it, but the longer mom kept holding on and the longer mom fed the fear, the longer it took for the child to be independent</p>
<p>it isn’t my way or the highway, but I am one for not feeding fears, don’t think it is healthy</p>
<p>I don’t think that being “alone” on a college campus should be something that makes someone so uncomfortable that feel they have no choice but to go home</p>
<p>And I think the more parents and othters encourage discoveringi yourself and your world, the better off you will be and the more you will see that you can handle</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>“Encourage” is different from “force”.</p>
<p>I think OP is right to avoid using force, guilt, disapproval, bans. </p>
<p>In this situation, I think that support and encouragement are more humane, and more likely to be productive.</p>
<p>As I’ve said on other threads, why should we be prescriptive. One poster on another thread thinks kids are too involved with their parents. Other posters think kids aren’t calling home enough. As others have said, people grow at different rates. My seventeen-year-old son may not be as independent as someone else’s nineteen-year-old freshman, but then again, he may be. </p>
<p>The goal is to produce self-sufficient adults who enjoy life. Some like to live on the same street as their parents as adults (Yuck for my mother), and some go half a world away. As long as adults or self-supporting (or supported by a willing significant other) and able to contribute to society and enjoy life, they are fine. Let’s extend the same freedom and variety to adolescents.</p>
<p>My parents thought I was crazy because I liked books so much. They thought I was anti-social. I wasn’t; just a future English PhD in the making.</p>
<p>Citigirlsmom,
Do you have kids at college? It sounds to me like you have good points, but do you have a child far away at school?
My D is a true extravert who is loving school, but even so, there have been a few tears. She’s 1100 miles from home and when she left she knew that she would not be able to come home before Thanksgiving. We have family in her college town, but their homes are not HER home.
After she had been at school for 10 days we attended a wedding near her school. We picked her up at her dorm and for the first twenty minutes she was kind of grumpy. When we got to my sisters, D sat in a chair and stared out the window. After a half hour, I asked if everything was ok. She sat there a minute and then started crying. She said “I don’t know what’s wrong…I guess I’m just homesick.” I hugged her and then I told her this: “Sometimes I have to go to a cocktail party for Dad’s work. I don’t know very many of his co-workers or their spouses. I feel pressure to make a good impression and spend the evening walking around making small talk and asking questions. Even though I’m an extravert and love people, by the end I’m totally exhausted. My face hurts from smiling! Your past ten days have been like a very long cocktail party. You want to make a good impression, you know that it’s important to make new friends, you want to fit in, and it’s just very STRESSFUL!! Of course you are exhausted!” She smiled and nodded her head and wiped her tears. After a good meal and nice weekend, I took her back to her dorm. She had the option of staying one more night with me at my sisters, but she was ready to get back to her dorm and didn’t want to make her room mate stay there alone another night.<br>
Each of our girls attend school far from home, and I think that to some degree they began “mourning their home” when they chose their schools. I feel fortunate that my girls seem to be adjusting well, but there is no one answer to learning to cope with separation. We each have to make our own way. I always tell my kids that life is a series of little deaths or transitions. We cope with some better than others. Some of these little deaths take years to mourn, some only a few minutes. I’m dying to the fact that my second child has left the nest. As I went to sleep last night I heard myself quote P.D. Eastman, a favorite children’s author, “Flap your wings, Junior! Flap your wings!”</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Well said, Sarahsmom42, and terrific support for your D as she was working through her feelings of homesickness!</p>
<p>When my spouse and I have to move to a new city (every 7 years or so), for a year following the move, every conversation I have with another adult feels like an audition to me and not a conversation.</p>
<p>It’s one stranger after another, and even though many are fascinating, I don’t yet know who I can trust, so that’s ennervating. Only after some repeat contacts can I begin to know who might become my friend. Until then, it’s kind of like work (to me, anyway). It takes me a year to feel truly at home. Of course, I’m the only newcomer in those situations. A helpful thing is to remind freshmen that ALL the kids have the identical challenge, and they’re not alone with their struggle to adjust.</p>
<p>LIke CGM, I have lots of pep for exploring new places, cafes, and such. I have no hesitation to go to a movie or play alone. Alone isn’t the same as lonely. Exploring for people has a different dimension than exploring for places, so there’s a kind of “apples and oranges” going on in this thread. I hope that helps a bit, because I identify with CGM as well as others making contrasting points.</p>