<p>We are in SF and my D is in NYC</p>
<p>Wow CGM,
That’s a long distance and it’s great if she’s doing well! My girls are sooo different & they both chose very different schools in very different settings. I think that finding the right “fit” can make so much difference. As our kids grew up, we often stood back and let them make their own mistakes, take the consequences etc. We also really encouraged them to spend alone time each day, but while at school, that alone time is very hard to find! Good luck to your D in NYC!</p>
<p>There’s also a difference between being independent and counterdependent. I applaud cgm’s D’s and am not saying they’re counterdependent. But as I young person I sure was. I had a terrible relationship with my parents and was extremely self-reliant to a bizarre degree. This eventually broke down but the indendence was not built on solid ground. I am still self-reliant, but I do see damage in never having had someone to rely on. It’s hard for me to get support today because everyone leans on me.</p>
<p>My D is also at school in NYC, though she can get home totally one her own steam (subway, train) in about 2 1/2 hours. We never saw her first semester because she was steeling herself to be independent. It was her choice. We never saw her either. Now as junior, she has let up on herself a bit and would like to come home a bit more. However, she can’t. Too much work!</p>
<p>Well, she did call today and complained that the stuff I ordered for her from Target’ was hard to move across campus from the post office place</p>
<p>It is what she wanted, but guess it was hard to have to pull across campus on a cart…eh…once she opens it and sees what it is, she won’t be so cranky</p>
<p>I figure one day of a bit of work moving the boxes will be worth 9 months of a bit more orgnazition…and once she walks on those little area rugs covering the concrete, she will appreciate it </p>
<p>right now, she is irked…it just all came at once, when it was scheduled to come more scattered</p>
<p>she’ll get over it</p>
<p>Just an update on my D. She seems to be happier since the weekend. She got her work study job today and was thrilled to get one in the Admissions Office which is close to her dorm. She also said that she has decided to stay there for the year, but wants to change her major to Undeclared for 2nd semester, as she is not liking the required courses for her current major. I suggested she make an appointment with her adviser to discuss how to do this. She agreed that staying in the same school for a year will make her much more marketable as a transfer student “should” she decide to change schools next year. We have worked out a plan on what to do if her eye problem flares up again, and will be making her an appointment with a specialist that her doctor at Mass Eye will find near the campus. She is off to spend a few days with my H’s cousins who live about 20 minutes away, as her school cancels classes because of the Jewish holidays. They will drive her back to campus on Friday night, as she has a class field trip on Saturday. Hopefully, the few days away (with a 6 y/o and a 1 y/o in the house) will be good for her. She is also going to come home for a weekend the end of the month. So, we are taking baby-steps, but seems to be doing better. The funniest thing was that she said that now that she is working in the Admissions Office, then she can start giving tours in the spring. So, hope springs eternal that she is starting to adjust and maybe will stay on after this year! Thanks to all for the advice/concern.</p>
<p>A friend sent me “All My Babies Are Gone Now”, an article by Anna Quindlen today. I found it so moving and wonderfully written that I started a thread for it in the Parent Cafe. I think it includes many of the basic parenting ideals we have been wrestling with in this thread. Here is the link:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=392644[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=392644</a></p>
<p>Well, after calling and complaining about the boxes she got, D called me back to tell me she loved the stuff, and that she was very proud she put it all together herself- people asked to help, but she said she wanted to do it herself, and it can be awkward to put together, but she was so proud she did it!!!</p>
<p>Brava!!!</p>
<p>I feel bad for saying this … but i am glad that I found this thread … I needed to hear from others whose kids were having some adjustment problems! D is 11 & 1/2 hours from home, so coming home for the weekend isn’t an option; she’ll be coming home for Thanksgiving. She has an international roommate with whom she has nothing in common … the roommate is just very, very different in so many ways. That is not really a problem, it’s just that the girls don’t even go to meals together … so there is no safety net at all. D knew no one going in. She has been going places & doing things, and she has met people & made acquaintances. She just hasn’t made what she would consider a “friend” yet. She is quite shy & reserved, so it is especially hard for her to reach out beyond herself. She wanted to go away, and I know that it is a really good thing for her.</p>
<p>So what’s the problem? After a whole week & 1/2 … 3 days of classes … she is lonely & she isn’t sure she made the right college choice. I told her that she may eventually decide that it isn’t the right college, but it’s far too soon to make that determination. She has always been one who likes things to go the way they “should” right from the start! But she has to give it time. The social situation takes time, and school is just starting. Nothing is perfect, and good things don’t always just fall into our laps. </p>
<p>I can say all of that because I truly believe it. I know that she is strong enough to handle this & that she NEEDS to handle this. She needs to KNOW that she can do this on her own. It’s part of growing up. But … it still tears me up inside, because I’m her Mom & I sure wish life was perfect for her!!!</p>
<p>A question: we just dropped her off Labor Day & were there a couple days with her. She is coming home Thanksgiving & Christmas. We don’t plan to go to parents weekend because it’s the first weekend in Oct. - so soon after dropping her off. But if she is feeling so bad, I wonder if I should fly down & go. I hate to be the helicopter mom. I know she can get through this. But never having been to a parents weekend, I don’t know if it’s going to make her especially sad to be alone (school is 2800 students … and in laws said they’d go). What do you think?</p>
<p>^ If it wouldn’t be a financial hardship, I’d definitely go if D would like you to. Take her out to dinner and perhaps have her invite one of her acquaintances to join you if her parents aren’t there. The school knows that the kids were dropped off around Labor Day and doesn’t feel there’s anything wrong with a parent’s weekend the first week in October. Why should you?</p>
<p>Have you asked her if she has a strong preference either way?</p>
<p>I’d use frequent flyer miles, so I could swing it. She says it’s okay not to come … but my S tells me her Facebook page says that she is “missing MI and some special people.” I think I probably should pay her a visit.</p>
<p>Why would going to parents weekend be helicopter parenting?</p>
<p>If one of my kids said it was okay not to come, I’d say that I know it’s okay if I don’t come – the question is, do you want me to come? lol. I bet she’ll say sure.</p>
<p>Why would it be helicoptering? I just want to make sure I don’t try to rescue her from her problems … and she knew we couldn’t just hop on down to visit any old time, so I worry that doing that might send the message that I don’t think she can handle things. However, it IS parents weekend, so it’s not like I am just coming for no reason. This is all new to me!!</p>
<p>I definitely think you should go if finances allow. My D wanted us to come altlhough we didn’t do any parents meetings or activities. Her concern was that everyone else would be dining with their parents, and she would be all alone.</p>
<p>We took her to a movie (LITTLE MANHATTAN I recall, appropriate as she’s in NYC) and out to dinner.</p>
<p>2800 students is small enough that I’m surprised the school isn’t doing more to foster some community. It’s a shame about the roommate. Are there hall meetings? Does she have a TV? D had a huge collection of DVD’s and lots of chocolate (she’s slender, but a chocolate fiend, and I’m afraid we are often her provider). People came by to watch her movies and eat her chocolate. A big Costco (Price Club whatever discount place near you) tub of tiny teddy bear graham crackers was also useful. Being the one who always has the magic markers, or something like that, can also work. D is also a wonderful editor and read many girls’ papers (she goes to a women’s college).</p>
<p>S is a frosh and has single so he also has to work hard, but his school promotes all kinds of group activities. Tues. night they all went to see SUPERBAD at the tiny in town cinema (teeny tiny town) for half price. I wonder if there are any activities like that going on.</p>
<p>I hope things improve for her. </p>
<p>When D, who now has a single too after having roommates for two years, is blue or lonely she watches an episode from a TV DVD (like West Wing etc.) I just had Amazon send her Quantum Leap. It is relaxes and fills in the quiet. Of course, your D would have to be thoughtful of roommate, but perhaps there is something she likes to listen to with headphones. (I know they are supposed to be social, but it is helpful to fill alone time with something relieving an pleasant.</p>
<p>The school really is doing a lot to foster community. She leaves her door open & talks to people around her. And D is doing things on her own. Tonight, she & another MI student taught some kids our regional card game (euchre). There are lots of activities, and she is doing them … she is even going to the football game this weekend that is away (45 minutes) … on the bus. So it’s not that she doesn’t have things to do. She is just having trouble feeling like she is part of it all. Hard to explain … I think she is homesick, misses her good friends (several of whom all go to flagship U together), possibly regrets (but shouldnt’!) that she chose NOT to go to the flagship with friends & instead do something completely different, etc. … most of all, I think she just wants to meet a friend she really clicks with. She is rushing things, because that will come in time. This reminds me why I am so much more content as an old lady than I was as a teen!</p>
<p>Thanks for clarifying that. You are right. That will come, and props to her for putting herself in all these places to meet people. Card game lessons sounds wonderful.</p>
<p>i think we female types often want “instant bff”…and forget that those take time and effort, and that they all started with acquaintances</p>
<p>my D is HS has the acquaintance types in HS for the first year, some really nice girls, but the ones she really stuck with she met as a sophmore and they are indeed BFF</p>
<p>maybe remind your D that true friendships as adults aren’t the instant playground bonding we are used to</p>
<p>an update to my post #25; just made my reservations and am going away for six nights. I always like the feeling that I’m stretching beyond my own comfort level, and this is definitely stretching! Life goes on after they’re gone, and they will survive without us.</p>
<p>I might even get reaquinted with my old SLR, non digital.</p>