<p>teriwtt, </p>
<pre><code> Good for you! I’ve been a hard time since MT daughter left. WAY too much time on this board! Have a great time. You deserve it!
</code></pre>
<p>Kelsmom, what was your daughter’s “MO” with making friends in high school? Did she stick with the same group from middle school; did she start out with the same group of friends and then branch out by her senior year? The reason I ask is that your comments about your daughter remind me greatly of conversations I had with my daughter last year (she’s now a college sophomore). </p>
<p>I was able to remind her that she seemed to be following a path similar to her high school years. In HS, she had acquaintances her freshman year (she attended a charter school an hour away from home so started out knowing no one). Sophomore year she had a tight group of friends and was certain they were all BFF. By senior year, the group had splintered, and while they all remained friendly, her new BFF was the girl she thought she despised when she was a sophomore. Once I was able to remind my daughter that she was not, nor ever had been, one to make instant, close friendships, she gave herself permission to enjoy her new acquaintanceships without the pressure of having a best friend. I’m sure she was lonely at times, but she realized that it was all a matter of time and not because there was something wrong with her.</p>
<p>If attending Parents’ Weekend is feasible, then go for it. It’s usually about giving your child a chance to show off their new home, as much as it’s about connecting with one’s parents. When I attended last year, it was a last-minute decision, because my daughter had been saying, “You don’t have to come” too. I finally went because I wanted to go, and I made that clear to my daughter. We had a great time doing what we wanted to do (which didn’t always include what the school made available), and my daughter was thrilled with the chance for a meal off-campus. I gave my daughter the option of inviting someone to join us for dinner, but she wanted it to be our time, and that was fine too. </p>
<p>As long as your daughter isn’t saying, “Don’t come, I can’t take that much time away from my homework”, I can’t see any problem with attending Parents’ Weekend.</p>
<p>mezzomom, your D’s high school situation is just like my D’s! She left her friends behind to attend a parochial school 30 minutes away, and she also started off slowly. By senior year, she had made some excellent friends. In fact, one of her friends just called her yesterday to tell her she misses her! That friend is at state U with other friends of D’s … their mutual friend marches in the Notre Dame band & they hunted him down at yesterday’s UM football game to say hi. That sparked the call to D. I think it came at a great time, reminding her that her friends are still her friends!</p>
<p>I did mail D a card & pointed out what you spoke of mezzomom … reminding D of what it was like as she began & progressed through h.s. I reminded her of her meltdown a month or so into 9th grade, when she was in hysterics … hating the new school because she felt lonely … wondering if she really should have chosen to leave her old friends behind. I think she knows that things will get better. She just wants them to be better now!</p>
<p>I have been searching for a frequent flyer flight, but no luck yet. The route is one of those that cost a fortune & ff tickets are tough to score. I told D I am trying to get a flight … she tells me it would be very nice if I could come, but she will be okay if I can’t. I think it has helped that I am trying to come!</p>
<p>My family has been great, too, calling & emailing. Things should turn around real soon. H & I are confident she chose the right place, so we are sure it’s just a matter of time. Thanks for all the great advice on this thread!</p>
<p>I’m late getting to this, but am soooo happy to have found this thread. My daughter is quite homesick and calling often. She got a cold when she first got to school, and since it didn’t get better within a week, I urged her to go to the student health service, which she did. She was diagnosed with an ear and sinus infection, and given antibiotics. So hopefully once she feels better, her mood will improve too.</p>
<p>I have to confess to being a bit of overly invested in her mood and her ups and downs. A part of me wishes I wasn’t so privy to her day-to-day emotions, but I don’t want to discourage her from calling.</p>
<p>The remark that someone made – “Let them hold on as long as they need to - it will prepare them to let go when they are ready” – really resonates with me on one level, but I don’t want to encourage “neediness.” </p>
<p>Argghhh…</p>
<p>At any rate, it’s really nice knowing there are others in the same boat!</p>
<p>mchs - That was a quote I heard somewhere along the way and posted. I don’t think you are fostering neediness, especially with your D being sick. The single thing I hated most when I was finally an “adult” was taking care of myself when I was sick. It just seemed unnatural in some way. If this is your D’s first time to be sick without mom (a sinus and ear infection can make you feel pretty lousy!), I bet just hearing your voice makes her feel better. Again, ole’ handholding, coddler me would give her carte blanche to call when needed! </p>
<p>I would also be inclined to send a “get well box” that maybe included a can of chicken noodle soup, antibacterial Kleenex, Chapstick, a cozy critter to hold (I hear these “ugly dolls” are the new hot item for college girls - cute, in an ugly sort of way), cozy blanket, etc. - depending on how “over the top” you wanted the box to be.</p>
<p>I think everyone feels like kelsmom’s D does for a while at the start; I know I did for a week or two. Get involved (but don’t be afraid to drop out of clubs that don’t “fit”) and if you can swing it financially, consider going Greek, if that’s an option at your/your kid’s school.</p>
<p>Well, D is on her way back to Penn Station tonight to catch the train back to school after a great night. She entered an online lottery and won two free orchestra tickets for a special performance of Legally Blonde, the Musical that is being taped for MTV (with a pink carpet and all - LOL!). She invited the friend that she met at Orientation in July to go with her. H and I told her that she could go into the city as long as someone was with her - not quite ready to let her do the train at night by herself, although she did go in on Thursday alone to pick up the tickets. She just called, said it was a great show and they had a blast. Heading back to Penn Station with instructions to call when she gets there, back to the train station near school, and finally when she gets off the shuttle at the dorm. I have told her that she should file days like this in the back of her mind for those days when she gets a bit down and says she wants to transfer to a school closer to home! She won’t ever get the chance to do these kinds of things here, that’s for sure. Of course, until they are safe and sound back at the dorm around 1:00 AM, I won’t be able to get to sleep, but it is great hearing her sound so happy.</p>
<p>Side bar- my Ds saw Legally Blonde in SF a long time ago- said it was AMAZING</p>
<p>my D called to let us know she needed to buy soccer cleats- and to ask for more Asian Rice bowl things from Cost Plus, as we are talking, the fire alarm goes off, she of course texts HOURS later that all is well…nothing like a quick phone call from your D interrupted by alarms going off in the background</p>
<p>Mchs, I am willing to bet things will be brighter for your D soon. I am very happy to report that my D has now turned the corner … she still has her moments of homesickness (to be expected), but she is now very happy with being at school. The past weekend was filled with silly good times with new friends … and that seems to have made a big difference. She is feeling more comfortable, and it helps that she is busy with classes & meetings. It also seems to have helped that I found a great frequent flyer deal (only 15,000 miles!) & am visiting for Parents Weekend. It seems the parents of most people she knows are coming … so my visit will keep her from feeling lonely that weekend! </p>
<p>My sister in law was very surprised to find that her son, who spends every summer at his grandparents’ place hundreds of miles away, went through the whole homesickness thing. He, like your D, got sick … but he was actually home for the weekend when it happened & missed a couple days of school to recover at home. She said it was awful when he went back … he was so sad to go. It happens to so many kids, and it’s normal. But yes, it sure it great to find out that it IS in fact normal … and you aren’t the only one going through it. </p>
<p>Things will look better soon for your D, mchs. In the meantime, I don’t think it’s enabling to lend an ear & be a mom-friend.</p>
<p>when your kid is sick is the time to send a care package- those priority mail ones arrive in two days for 9bucks, include some tea, new socks, cookies, whatever you know your kid like</p>
<p>I find it interesting that this thread is filled with parents of homesick girls. It made me wonder if our boys got homesick and we just never knew. A couple of weeks ago my son called and after a conversation filled with me talking and him responding with two word answers (not that unusual) I asked if everything was okay and he said that he had a cold. I commisserated and told him to get some rest and drink lots of liquids. Two days later he called about something else and sounded much more chipper. I asked him how he was feeling and he said much better. I asked him if he was really sick when we talked before and he said that yes, he had been feeling terrible. Because he is normally so low key and not very chatty, I had no idea that he was feeling so poorly. I think it’s generally better that the girls will at least tell us when something is wrong. The post by kelsmom’s nephew ^ seems to be the exception for boys.</p>
<p>When my son was a freshman, he definitely didn’t call weeping and upset – as our daughter continues to do. But when I told him recently about how unhappy his sister his, he said reminded me how “totally miserable” he was during his first semester and how happy he came to be at his school. Who knew?
Meanwhile, my heart aches for my daughter’s pain though a part of me feels that she should be doing more to try to incorporate herself into college life. It’s a big school, and she’s not a partier at all. But I have to believe there are lots of kids like her there – and she should be proactive in trying to find them. When I say this, she just gets more upset.</p>
<p>Intellectually, I know that growing up can be painful and it’s just something she has to work through herself. But it’s totally gnawing at me and making my days very unsettled.</p>
<p>Argghh…</p>
<p>My freshman S has had some homesickness, but we only hear from him about every four to five days. Definitely no weeping, but he’s talked about his transitions: missing us (and his room), dealing with so much new stuff, meeting new people, and so on. </p>
<p>kelsmom, my H found a cheap plane ticket (S is 950 miles away), and I told him to book it for Parents’ Weekend. Since it’s 10/5-7 and we dropped S off on 9/5, we weren’t going to go either. But S has had some homesickness (and H is desparately missing S), so I told H to go for it. (I’m staying home with our 10-year-old).</p>
<p>Mchs, I know how you feel … I suspect many here do. Being a parent is not easy, is it?! Your D is going to: meet people with whom she feels comfortable by happenstance, begin to reach out to find those people, decide to just deal with things as they are, or consider a transfer. Only she has control over what will actually happen. THAT is what really makes it tough … it hurts us moms almost like it is happening to us, but we have no control over the situation! </p>
<p>My H & I are convinced our S will not be able to get rid of us fast enough when his time comes. But you never know …</p>
<p>I have plans to go to two parents’ weekends two weeks in a row. D is sad she can’t go to S’s. They really miss each other. </p>
<p>I think everyone settles down when s/he realizes that the familly still exsits, even in its new configuration. The bonds are stretched, but they don’t break. It takes some longer than others to reaize this. Homesickness is often the fear that something essential is being lost; kids find out that it isn’t and it’s a win/win situation.</p>
<p>It seems that this process is a bit of a two steps forward, one step back sort of thing. D seemed to be doing so well, then I received a text last night indicating that she realizes it’s early … but she just can’t see herself where she is for four years. I simply texted back that it is her life & she should use these experiences to figure out what she wants to do. My thought is that it IS early! She is probably going to go back & forth for a few months about whether or not she really wants to be where she is. In the end, whatever she chooses to do is her decision. She really wants to be away from home & friends in order to have new experiences … but the reality is that doing so won’t be the easiest thing. There will be times of doubt & second-guessing. If she decides she wants something else in a year or two, that’s fine … but to be honest, I think she needs to handle that herself. I will listen, I will be there to support her, but I don’t think I should be part of the process this time. Bottom line … her future is her baby now!</p>
<p>In the meantime, I am looking forward to visiting for Parents’ Weekend. I do miss her!</p>
<p>It must be hard for those kids who have left a group of friends all going to state u. together. For my kids, their entire social group has moved on, so if they came home, there would be nothing to come home to.</p>
<p>However, when D came home first Thanksgiving and saw all her friends, it turned out the friendships were stronger than ever. She is a junior and still seeing her friends who have gone to many different schools. She is even just as close to friend at Stanford (she is in NYC).</p>
<p>One of my Ds went to a school where she knew 3 or 4 other kids (huge public) who were older than her-one of them happened to be some one who had been in her general “crowd” in HS and that friendship has grown stronger and stronger over the past couple of years- esp in helping each other with the issues that arise with travel & move ins & outs, etc.</p>
<p>The other people who she has seen in passing, but had never been friends with did not become friends, though it was nice to see a familiar face. I really noticed how D2 enjoyed this and realised how tough it must have been for D1 who went to a school knowing absolutely no one…it is tough to hear about all your old friends hanging out and having fun together when you are struggling to find any one who is friend worthy</p>
<p>My daughter too is doing the two steps forward one back, though actually it’ more like one and 3/4 back. She’s slowly adjusting, but slowly. And she seems to need to keep me posted every step of the way. A part of me is tempted to tell her to stop calling, but another part feels it’s too early for that and if she needs to maintain a connection with me, fine. I just don’t want to be an “enabler” and need to constantly check myself to make sure I’m not encouraging her neediness.</p>
<p>Her main complaint is that there aren’t kids like her – that everyone is into drinking and partying. I do think that may be the most noticable culture on campus, but I don’t for a second think she can’t find kids who want to do things other than drink. </p>
<p>She too has said she can’t see herself staying at her current school for four years, and I’ve told her that will be her decision – but this isn’t the time to make it. I reminded her that when her brother came home at Thanksgiving of his freshman year, he was planning on transferring out of his school, but by December had decided he loved it. I think that kind of feeling is quite common: Not feeling entirely comfortable and thinking they’d be more comfortable elsewhere.</p>
<p>The drinking issue is so difficult. I sent two to college who did not drink at all or do any kind of drugs. D, whose been at school for 2+ years, has finally started drinking 1 cocktail (in NYC they’re pretty fancy.) She’ll be 21 shortly, so this isn’t too much of an issue, but I think it’s sad that she felt she had to. </p>
<p>S says even the smell of any alcohol makes him sick and refuses to touch it. Since he’s just turnng 18 I’m pretty happy about this, but D was telling him he really should try, even if it’s just a little. So far he has found a few kids who aren’t drinking on Sat. night, but just a few.</p>
<p>I went all through college never drinking at all. Of course, that was the sixties, but you really didn’t have to do drugs even, even though the school had a thriving drug scene. In fact, the activists prided themselves on not frittering their time away with drugs.</p>
<p>This is so sad that so many of our kids have to worry about this.</p>