<p>I think that kind of feeling is quite common: Not feeling entirely comfortable and thinking they’d be more comfortable elsewhere.</p>
<p>Wow, it’s like you’ve been eavesdropping on my conversations with my D over the last 2 days. After 4 days of being reasonably happy during orientation we’ve had 2 consecutive days of teary phone calls from our D who says she is homesick and terrified at the thought of starting classes tomorrow. And that this was the wrong decision and she’s already thinking of transferring. This from a girl who has been going away on her own since she was 8. But what she’s really missing are her close friends from HS, and feeling like she’ll never find such friends at her school. I let her vent, and cry and talk and then we talk about ways she can meet more people and start new friendships. She keeps apologizing for calling and for what she thinks is upsetting me. I love that she cares, but assure her that she can call anytime…I can’t make her problems or issues go away, but I can listen and offer suggestions. So today I suggested that she ask a girl she is friendly with to accompany her to the final organized orientation activity and she hung up, saying she’d try. Well, the phone rang 2 hours later, my husband answered and she very happily said she was waiting for the bus with this same girl and they were off to that activity. I know that she just wanted to let us know that she was in a better place. She may not know it yet, but she’ll be just fine.</p>
<p>mchs - When I read your post I could have sworn that I had written it myself. D is also quite turned off by the drinking/partying culture, and we are dealing with all of the same issues that your D is. Some days I curse the invention of cell phones - they just make it too easy for these kids to learn to problem-solve on their own. Mine, too, is slowly adjusting and today - she is happy as can be and just called after seeing Hairspray on Broadway for $20 with 3 of her new friends from school. They went to the Broadway flea-market first and then to the show. Her last call was about meeting all of the cast at the stage door after the show, including Lance Bass and one of the ensemble members, who actually graduated from their school. So, when she talks of transferring, I remind her of days like this and how if she came back home to go to school, they will never happen again.</p>
<p>allie’smom: That really sounds like a red letter day.</p>
<p>It hurts so much to grow up. Our culture is weird in that we require our kids to en masse go away from us leaving both parties longing for each other. But I agree that the kids do get stronger for it.</p>
<p>I saw my D in NYC yesterday. It’s a two hour trip into the city for me, and because the Sat. morning class I teach was cancelled because of Jewish holiday I hitched a ride with H who had work to do in city and met D. We went for breakfast (her), a movie, lunch and to her favorite book store. She hailed the cab; she knew the book store like the back of her hand. She was a woman, not the girl I sent off two years ago. Somehow it happens.</p>
<p>In other societies they might be having babies or going down into the coal mines. Late adolescence/early adulthood is just so trying!</p>
<p>It’s very comforting for me to know that there are other girls (and their moms!) who are having a bit of a rough start. My d tells me that everyone else she knows “loves” being at college and she somehow thinks she’s the only one who isn’t happy. </p>
<p>I’m sure they will all get through this adjustment period – and frankly, I’d rather get the teary phone calls than have a kid who soothed herself by getting totally drunk at dorm parties!</p>
<p>I will sit on the couch next to mchs. Our daughter cried last night that mostly the girls in the dorm hang with their room mates at night and hers are never in the room (one has boyfriend and they are joined at the hip until midnight, the other hangs with her sport team. Both nice girls just never around. She says almost all the kids are drunk when they come to school events (that cannot be true) and that she wants to live at home. I reminded her that we never saw her when she did live at home but she said just kowing we were in the house made her feel secure. I know this will pass when she finds her group, I just hope it happens soon. I hate seeing her so unhappy.</p>
<p>mchs and cmbmom, can I join you on the couch. My D called tonight to tell us she had a good day, and the conversation went downhill from there. She wants to be happy, but feels like she can’t find that friend she can unburden herself to. I tell her its only been a week, and classes haven’t started and clubs have yet to meet. She also says the girls are hanging with their roommates and she doesn’t have that relationship with her roommate. It also doesn’t help that the floors don’t seem to be teeming with kids so there’s very little popping in and out of rooms. And classes start tomorrow and she feels a little, make that a lot, intimidated. Her school has a rep for wicked hard classes, and she’s a little frightened. I tell her they wouldn’t have accepted her if they didn’t think she could do the work, and it’ll be challenging, but fine. I feel like I’m putting out emotional fires with every word I speak. I can’t wait for, “it’s been a good day”, with no buts involved. Even she admitted we never talked this much when she was home. Good thing is she doesn’t really want to come home, just thinks maybe she chose the wrong school. Only time will tell.</p>
<p>Oh runnersmom, I’m so sorry. It hurts when our kids hurt. I know that you want her to be happy. It sounds like you’re doing a great job listening to her and that’s important. These first few weeks can be so hard. Hang in there. Once classes start she may have a whole new song to sing. Sometimes when my D’s sound upset one minute, a few hours later it’s all better and I’m still worrying for no reason. Good luck and keep looking here for support.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for the words of support. This was such a different experience with her brothers…guess that’s just the difference between being a mother of sons vs. mother of daughters. First time there are tears involved!!</p>
<p>how long is the orientation? a week seems like a long time with no classwork to do…my D couldn’t wait to actually get started doing work, 2 days was long enough for her to “orientate” herself</p>
<p>sometimes good intentions of a school can make it harder for some kids</p>
<p>It’s actually almost 10 days…and its way too long. They moved in a week ago Saturday and classes start today. This is our family’s second time through this and it became even more obvious this time that it’s WAY too long. There are too many days with one or two things to do during the day, leaving an enormous amount of time to be alone if the heavens don’t align properly. They also work very hard to have kids bond with their “houses” (parts of a dorm) to make a smaller community, but that restricts the kids ability to meet and make friends with kids in other dorms. I do think they could improve it by moving in on a Tuesday and having classes start the following Monday. That would be more than enough time. It would also serve to help alleviate the ever growing anxiety about classes. The longer you wait to start, the more daunting it can seem, especially for kids who tend toward that kind of anxiety.
But the good news is classes finally start today.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to all of you parents dealing with unhappy kids. Runnersmom, your comment about putting out emotional fires with every words struck home with me; that was me with my D seven years ago. didn’t fit in, didn’t bond with roommate, everyone out drinking to oblivion (or it seemed like it), didn’t find that person to talk to, etc etc. Seemed like we were on the phone for hours every day (and this was pre-cell phones for us.)</p>
<p>I have to honestly tell you that she eventually transfered, but it was a close decision. She ultimately had a fantastic experience and education aat the school she went to. Every kid finds a different way to get through and make the situation better; I can’t give you any advice, expect continue to provide that sympathetic ear, and try to stay positive (though honestly so).</p>
<p>They need to know that someone is listening.</p>
<p>My d was also unhappy during orientation. She and her roommate really like each other (thank G-d for that!), and hung out a lot - still do. But she felt like she wasn’t getting to know anyone else. I had to remind her how unreal orientation is, and that it’s easier to meet people & make friends when you’re involved in classes & activities (that you chose) together.</p>
<p>Turns out to have been true. She’s much happier now.</p>
<p>Oh, gosh, I know that feeling. It’s a combination of being upbeat and sympathetic at the same time, acknowledging their woes but trying to (gently) suggest some strategies, trying not to wince when they’re crying, trying not to sound as upset as you’re feeling because you just can’t fix it–it was draining at the time, absolutely.</p>
<p>For many, it will change and get better. For some, like my D, knowing that there are always other choices can be the lifeline. What I most tried to do was to get her to stop catastrophizing–I after a while banned the words “always” and “never”. </p>
<p>Eventually, I brought up transfering, not because I was sure she should, but because she needed to know that she was there by choice, and even if, despite all efforts, this choice didn’t work out, there were others. It was not an end of the world situation.</p>
<p>It is really difficult because it is such a big life change, and so much hope and labor and preparation go into it, that when the reality is different from the expectations, everyone has a hard time–parents, but especially the student.</p>
<p>Hang in there, and know there are many others going through this with you.</p>
<p>D called tonight to tell us that she’s coming home for “fall break,” a four day weekend in October. She misses her boyfriend…I don’t know what to think about it. They are splitting the price of the plane ticket, so I can’t really complain, I have a feeling that having a boyfriend back home is effecting her ability to have fun at school. On one hand I’m glad that she’s not participating in the random “hook up” scene, but I also think that it’s good to have an open mind and heart at 18! My H says the after Thanksgiving every year at college, it was much easier to “pick up chicks…” Evidently many high school romances end over the Thanksgiving break, so he and his friends called it " The big turkey drop."</p>