<p>Awwwwwwwwww, taxguy, I LOVE that you did this for your daughter! There are so many great suggestions there, but most of all, the message is that you care very deeply about her and about her college success. THAT is the priceless part! Thanks for sharing this! ~berurah</p>
<p>Adding to Sybbie’s thoughts - college is a time to try, fail, try again & succeed. The trick for students is to not do anything so stupid that it cannot be rectified (like end up in jail or dead). Surely they will do things that they will not tell you about. As long as they know that you will always love them, even if they do something incredibly dumb. Many brilliant kids are are unable to deal with living on their own; often because their parents have done so much for them. We have to allow them to fall AND to pick themselves up, but still be there if they need a shoulder to cry on.</p>
<p>My experience has been a lot more along the lines of weski’s so far. I think I mentioned something to my older son about trying to minimize the number of times I get calls from emergency rooms and police officers. So far the trend is good…</p>
<p>This was a great letter, and good advice for any college student. What about the boyfriend issue? The downfall of many college students is the inability to handle the dating situation, and this ends up consuming all of their time and thought. It is hard for many students to compartmentalize their lives and not become overwhelmed by social issues. How does she handle the guy who doesn’t take no for an answer?</p>
<p>In my opinion, the best advice is from Weski: </p>
<p>“We have to allow them to fall AND to pick themselves up, but still be there if they need a shoulder to cry on.”</p>
<p>And most importantly:</p>
<p>“…As long as they know that you will always love them…”</p>
<p>kono, how about the guy who is hundreds of miles away!!! That one is really troubling my D, and she is as practical as they get and planned to break up when they left for school, but it keeps lingering!</p>
<p>As a parent, the hardest thing is standing back and not fixing something and letting them figure it out for themselves. It is how they grow and ultimately succeed. You have to let them and you will be so proud when they do! Running up bar bills and emergency room trips (from art class?!) are life lessons learned. And they tend to be far more humorous after the fact then during. The good news is that by the end of freshmen year, we parents are so much wiser in our kids’ eyes than we were when they were HS seniors. And we keep getting smarter…</p>
<p>Mackinaw,</p>
<p>I loved your “this does not apply to art school” comments. My daughter was shocked to discover at Christmas break that her non art school friends only had about 15 hours of class per week.</p>
<p>And, yes, as far as life lessons learned…my daughter did not seem quite the same person who overdrew her account for between 2-20 approx. 5 times earlier in the year as the person who could not believe that one of her friends ended up with a bank account that was $200 overdrawn.</p>
<p>Thanks a lot. Art school really is different from most others. I think my daughter had 30 hours of class per week, including her 3 day-long studios and two other lecture/recitation section courses. And I’m pretty sure she averaged 50-60 additional hours on her “homework.” (Then again, my own undergrad college was so demanding that I might as well have been in art school.)</p>
<p>taxguy, </p>
<p>Your letter reminds me so much of my dad! (He too was a lawyer. ;)) He sent me very organized, typed letters my whole life… dictated, I believe, and typed by his secretary and then signed “DAD” in his nearly illegible & huge handwriting. Some were two or three sentences: “You were rude to your mother and you need to apologize. Love, Dad”. Some were 15+ pages… </p>
<p>Oh, he had LOTS of advice for me. </p>
<p>Advice about friends, boys, studies, travel, sibling relationships, parental relationships, thank you notes, medical care, the stock market, taxes, grandparents, taking risks, not taking risks, etc etc etc.</p>
<p>He started sending me these typed letters (oh yeah on the law firm letterhead too) when I was 8 years old at summer camp, then again during college, and again when I lived abroad and in NYC. The letters would combine advice, lectures, humor, and illustrative stories. Think Mark Twain in overdrive.</p>
<p>Yes, I igonored huge chunks of what he told me to do, but I did remember many key pieces, and I sure appreciated the concern and love that motivated them. </p>
<p>My friends also got a huge kick out of his letters… many were read out loud and passed around. Later, his answering machine messages were well received by all my pals (since he despaired of my returning the call promptly, he’d have his whole side of the conversation, in speech form, leaving messages that ran about 5-10 minutes… “and I know what you’d respond, you’d say X-- but in reply I would say that X is wrong because…”) My roommate & I would sit and howl with laughter listening to those messages.</p>
<p>I applaud your letter and though I can predict a bit of eye rolling don’t ever let that stop you. I have been the daughter and it means alot!!</p>
<p>I DO hope you saved some of those letters! Do you think our email rants will be viewed the same way?</p>
<p>Weski notes,"
“We have to allow them to fall AND to pick themselves up, but still be there if they need a shoulder to cry on.”</p>
<p>Response; Maybe,but we surely can try to help them avoid as much falling down as possible with possible planning. However, if this doesn’t work, I guess she can rely on the “fall down and pick herself up” technique.</p>
<p>My mother was a “clipper” of all sorts of newspaper articles with advice and news of the town and former classmates. I would get a large envelope with little notes attached and then try to figure out why she sent them to me. Much eye rolling on my part, especially when she started sending all the engagement notices. Now I send the kids hyperlinks, so I guess is it in the genes!</p>
<p>Taxguy, a very nice letter. But like others, I know what my S’ reaction would probably be. ::rolleyes::</p>
<p>I gave mine whatever wisdom I had along these lines (verbally, not in writing). She basically told me where to go and has proceeded to repeat every mistake I ever made, and added some of her own for good measure.</p>
<p>Casting pearls before swine, or whatever that saying is…</p>
<p>I would add a lot of advice about safety issues. Women have different challenges from men in that regard. I’ve already taught my daughter (who’s just in eighth grade) about walking in groups, walking with confidence, knowing her surroundings, and other ways to deal with the dangers out there for women. If your daughter can take some self defense classes before she goes off to college, that would be good. But it’s best if she learns (I know this sounds awful) not to be too trusting and always be vigilant about her own safety. I keep telling my daughter I’m sending her off to college only after a GPS has been surgically implanted. She knows I’m joking – but tempted!</p>
<p>
I agree. This reminds me of another instance where we were offered advice from experience. The expression was: “If history is the word we use to describe our mistakes, then here is some advice that is aimed to help you to avoid learning history.”</p>
<p>Well, I guess I’m going to be the one here to say, I’m not really sure this letter is such a great thing to send. My reaction on reading this was OH MY GOSH! Taxguy, I think you have good intentions, but your letter is way too long. Can you tighten it up a little? Also, what comes through to me with this letter is that you really don’t believe your daughter is competent enough to figure some of these things out for herself!</p>
<p>It is kind of cute, in a way, that you care so much, but some of the things you are writing about make me wonder. Do you trust your daughter? What has caused all this worry about her not studying? Has she had problems studying in high school, not reading the texts, etc? Do you really know how she learns best? Not everyone needs to do the kind of detailed outlines you describe to be successful. </p>
<p>Have you written letters like this before? Did your daughter seem to enjoy/respond positively to them?</p>
<p>Don’t be so sure you know what is best for another person. Drinking orange juice, for instance, gives me migraines. And to advise your kid to drink liquor and get really sick is IMO terrible advice.</p>
<p>Taxguy: We want so much for our kids to succeed - in life, in school, in love, in jobs. We need to impart useful information to them and hope it sticks. And it usually does - after all, these are YOUR kids! With enough advice, common sense (often elusive in 18-22 year olds), and general smarts, your daughter will flourish! Keep writing the missives (see above) because they DO sink in (eventually) and your efforts will be much loved by your daughter. Musings, words to the wise, dad thoughts, really are appreciated, especially if you send lots over time by mail or email. It nicely combines not only useful information, but the love and thought that go into writing it. And as moms tend to be the verbal/communicators, fatherly letters are especially loved for their relative rarity. Keep it up! Four years of college (+ grad school?) of weekly (or more) thoughts and there will be a grateful/bemused daughter and/or a good book!</p>
<p>weski </p>
<p>I ONLY WISH I had the letters now… I saved all of them but my parents had a house fire when all my junk was stored there when I was about 23, so I only have a few of them left. I would absolutely have made a book of them, if I could. </p>
<p>He is now sending letters to my kids (gave up on me, LOL) and they are often very insightful and sometimes hilarious too. </p>
<p>His Bar Mitzvah note to my son was several pages on why he did not believe in God but thought a Bar Mitzvah was a great thing to do anyway. </p>
<p>His Xmas letter to my D-- with a substantial check-- advised her to spend the money however she chose, “but please, not on narcotics.” A howler for our whole family.</p>