<p>My college roommate and I always joked about this sage advice
“Keep your arms crossed, keep your legs crossed and come back with everything you left with”.</p>
<p>Mstee, my daughter is very determined and organized. However, I have seen a lot determined competent kids “fall by the wayside” in college and not fully understand what I have noted. It’s not that I don’t trust my daughter’s instincts or feel that she wouldn’t do a good job, I just feel that some practical sage advice as to what to expect and what is different in college would be useful. </p>
<p>Maybe my daughter will feel as you do: “She knows all this already.”</p>
<p>As far as what my daughter does, her idea of studying is to not only read the text but reread each chapter for the finals! It takes enormous time. She would be much better off outlining chapters to begin with. However, this is her problem, and, thus, the letter is for her. People may want to modify it for any perceived foibles in their kids.</p>
<p>As far as writing letters before, she usually responds a bit better to written letters than verbal lectures; not much better,but she is a bit more open minded to the letter approach.</p>
<p>Taxguy, You offered your daughter some wonderful advice! I would like to include one more point and that is the value of SLEEP. We realized that our freshman daughter’s schedule is very different from our own while she was home for the holidays. By coincidence, we watched the Frontline program, “Inside the Teenage Brain”, with her and the following statment by Professor Carlisle Smith made a big impression on all of us. </p>
<p>Answer: Yes, I actually remember a conversation with my friend. In fact, he articulated it best when he simply said that the best predictor of how well someone is going to do be they at Harvard or wherever is not their SAT scores or anything else; it’s whether or not they get a good night’s sleep. And I have to agree with that. …</p>
<p>For anyone who is interested, you can watch the entire program or read transcripts of the interviews at
<a href=“http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/[/url]”>http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/</a></p>
<p>taxguy, I will take your letter to heart when I write mine. Just a couple of thoughts . Superstar bro needs to disappear as does how successful you were in college. And I would divide the one letter into three letters. Partying/Dating. Studying/testing. Financial/personal health and safety. Infuse all three with the love and pride you obviously feel and you’re going to be O.K… And if you are wrong in giving her this, well … you and I will just be wrong together. ;)</p>
<p>And while I’m campaigning for more sleep for college students, here’s the link for the transcript of the interview with Prof. Carlisle Smith
<a href=“http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/smith.html[/url]”>http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/teenbrain/interviews/smith.html</a></p>
<p>Taxguy, now that you’ve explained why you emphasize the outlining, it makes much more sense to me–you’re trying to save your daughter time! You’re right that in some courses there is so much reading it is impossible to re-read everything before finals. So, you’re trying to get her to study smarter–that really didn’t come through for me in your original letter. It sounds like your daughter is a lot like you–very methodical-- in which case your approach is probably right on. This type of letter wouldn’t work for my own kids. But I do like the idea of a letter expressing excitement for this new stage in life along with warnings and <em>some</em> advice (though I still think you could soft pedal the advice more! That’s just me. I don’t like people telling me what I should do . . .)</p>
<p>This may sound harsh, but if your daughter doesn’t know how to study and prepare for midterms and other tests in a way that works for her by now, then she’s probably not ready for college. </p>
<p>The only academic advice I plan on giving my daughter is that if she feels herself sinking academically, then it is her responsibility to find help - either by talking with professors and advisors, finding a tutor or study group, or taking advantage of campus support services. I will make sure she is aware of what is available to her, but it is up to her to take advantage of those resources. I’ve spent enough time poking and prodding her through high school. If I need to tell her how and when to study at this point perhaps I shouldn’t be shelling out $35,000 a year to send her away to college. </p>
<p>As for personal matters, I won’t nag her to get more sleep or eat well - I know from my own college days that college life often has much more exciting things to do then sleep and eat. </p>
<p>I will, however, remind her about practical safety matters - how to avoid rape and robbery, both of which are all too common on today’s college campuses, and what to do if either occurs to her. I will also remind her about the signs of depression, and make sure she knows where and how to get help on campus if she feels herself falling into that pattern or sees friends doing so.</p>
<p>I will tell her to trust her own judgement when it comes to dating, sex, friendship issues, and campus partying. I’ve seen the decisions she’s made regarding these issues in high school, and I know she will understand when I tell her to “trust your own judgement.” Will she make mistakes? Heck, I hope so. That’s what growing up is all about. </p>
<p>Most of all, I will tell her that her Dad and I trust her, and are still here for her, will listen if she needs a sounding board, and that we will always love her, no matter what adventures or misadventures she has along the way. </p>
<p>A parent, in the end, can do no more than that.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon–you said it well, and so much more tactfully than I. In fact, I was thinking that in this case, a shorter letter with an attachment titled “Dad’s surefire guide to successful studying in college” or something like that might make it seem a little less heavy handed.</p>
<p>What happened to:</p>
<p>Be a good girl and don’t forget to write!</p>
<p>?</p>
<p>taxguy, I think what your daughter will get out of this letter is that you love and care for her, forget the particulars. It may take till she breaks it out 20 years from now to truly understand that.</p>
<p>No disrespect meant but I had to laugh when you told her to eat well. Yeah, right, OK dad. (I have 2 children finished college). Along those lines I supplied both him and her with a full array of medicines including mutivitamins. I made it abundantly clear how important it was at least for them to do something so simple as take a vitamin a day, what with living in close quarters, poor eating and sleep habits etc etc.</p>
<p>In the spring at pack-up there were the vitamins, virtually untouched, year after year. (btw now that they are out of college they DO take a vitamin).</p>
<p>Just make sure not to even “think” I told you so when she doesn’t follow any of the advice in your letter.</p>
<p>following Carolyn & tax guy’s thoughts on study groups: This is a new concept for many HS students. It involves 3 things: 1 - college material is difficult and there is a lot of it - thus it is helpful to spread the work around if possible. 2 - To do so, you have to realize that it is better to work/study WITH others (than intensely by yourself) because you get more perspectives on the info & ways to think/learn. 3 - that you must develop your own community in which to operate - from classes, choirs, fraternities/sororities, sports teams, etc. It is critical to reach out and develop a web of smart/interesting people not only for social purposes, but for studying. It is not easy for many kids to do this because they are used to doing themselves. While it is still possible, it is not the preferred way of doing things at college. While it is still important to find a quiet study spot at the library, it is equally important to develop study relationships. “Working well with others” remains a critical skill for university education and for professional life. You must find a way to study/live/work with a wide diversity of people, far more than your HS experience. It is this expanded experience that makes a huge difference in those who succeed beyond grades, but in life. And it is scary when you start off knowing no one. So get out and about the first week or two at school/orientation and do all the goofy things just to meet people and make friends. They become your lifeline for both fun and getting through chemistry.</p>
<p>On the “eat well” advice. Both of my sons are constantly giving me advice now when they are home on break on what to eat/healthier eating habits. Oh how the tables have turned . . .</p>
<p>I want to emphasize how much more likely a letter is to be re-read or kept if it is funny.</p>
<p>Self-deprecating humor (dad skewers former 20-something self) is extremely effective for imparting advice.</p>
<p>The reason my Dad’s letters got passed around was they were funny. Almost always intentionally so. :)</p>
<p>I think the letter is a neat idea. I come at this from a different perspective, since my two kids, for very different reasons, attended boarding school. My daughter went away as a high school junior, and I was placing her into such a safe environment (Interlochen Arts Academy) that, in some ways, it was a relief. College was a very smooth transition for her, both musically and academically. My son, the Wild Child, on the other hand, has first-hand experience with “screwing up”. He might need a letter. My husband and I have adopted the sage advice given by the wonderful Interlochen headmaster at the conclusion of his welcome speech to the student body. “Don’t screw up.” These are our parting words to our son whenever we deposit him at school.</p>
<p>Mstee notes,"On the “eat well” advice. Both of my sons are constantly giving me advice now when they are home on break on what to eat/healthier eating habits. Oh how the tables have turned "</p>
<p>Response: Maybe I need to rethink this.</p>
<p>My (sophomore) son usually calls home once a week. The last call before winter break was during finals.</p>
<p>I remember (lovingly) saying; “Don’t forget to eat and sleep.” He mockingly repeated my words of wisdom aloud. “Don’t worry Mom, there are two things I do really well. I really know how to eat and I really know how to sleep.” </p>
<p>I then proceeded to hear the chuckle of some of his friends in the background. So much for my words of wisdom…</p>
<p>Flip side: friend’s brilliant DD who came home from elite school sophmore year a super vegan wearing only canvas slippers and natural wool declaiming on religion, society, world peace and dropping out to save the world from hunger by joining a commune. Lasted 6 months. Came back and now she’s a CPA (but still a vegetarian).</p>
<p>Dear Mr. Taxguy:</p>
<p>My dad is a lawyer, and this “dd” will be heading off to college next fall, too.</p>
<p>I recognize it is going to be very difficult for both of my parents when I leave home, not only because I’m an “only,” but also because we are a very, very close family. </p>
<p>Like your daughter, I took initiative and responsibility when it came to the college search and application process. While I don’t know your daughter’s record, I have the feeling she, like me, has been a very good student through high school and a caring and active participant inside and outside of the school community.</p>
<p>I think it’s wonderful that you care so deeply about your daughter that you want to write such a detailed letter of directions, but I have to question why it is you feel you have to write down all these specific directions instead of sharing your concerns and recommendations with her face to face? I think your daughter, like me, is lucky enough to have a loving, caring dad – especially one who clearly recognizes that we are maturing, responsibly-driven young women. We still want dad’s (and mom’s) advice (and hopefully always will value that advice) but we need to take some chances in facing the unknown, and learn things for ourselves, too. For me, a most reassuring part of this process is knowing that if and when I make a mistake or falter, I will have no hesitation about turning to my dad (and mom) for guidance and help (even if it means I get yelled at momentarily) because they have shown me through experience that I don’t have to be afraid to turn to them – or others --for help, advice and guidance in the face of any problem or challenge I can’t see my way through clearly. They have taught me to know when to seek help – and especially to do it before anything snowballs.</p>
<p>My dad is not a writer like you, but he has expressed his support, respect – and concerns – for me often enough, and in such a manner that I know how deeply he cares. I also know, as he does, that he cannot protect me from everything. He has, however, imbued me with enough confidence to engage in new challenges, make mistakes, but to try to avoid letting those mistakes get out of hand, and most of all to learn from mistakes.</p>
<p>To you and all the other deeply caring parents here, we (all cc students) are so forunate to have the benefit of your advice. Thank you. It must be very hard to let go of us – and it is very hard for many of us to let go of you (our parents) too. But, perhaps it would be helpful to recall the kite analogy from here on…loosen the string, let us fly and maybe, just maybe we’ll soar.</p>
<p>“1. Have fun,
2. make friends
3. stay healthy,
4. do your best.
I have lots of specific advice on #'s 3 and 4, IF YOU WANT IT”</p>
<p>I’d like to express my approval and encouragement for every parent who posted on this thread, regardless of the particular view expressed. My wife and I have very different approaches to this kind of thing - she’s sort of like Taxguy - detailed instructions spelling out very good advice - whereas I’m more weski-ish: “I know you will succeed at this; I have confidence in you” - leaving it up to the kid to figure out how. The thing is - neither approach is “right” or “wrong”. And the kid who gets some of both is, in my opinion, doubly blessed. Because they need guidance, and they also need to make, and learn from, their own mistakes. All we can do is give them what we’ve got - whether it’s a step by step playbook or a hug and a smile - and let them take what they want and tolerate us for the rest.</p>
<p>This “parent” thing - not for the faint of heart.</p>