<p>If there were only such a thing as a playbook for parents! We are all working towards the same thing - a great experience for our children; to love them and keep them safe and to encourage them to fulfill their dreams and then exceed them. After 18+ years, it is SO hard to let them go when you know, from experience, that “there be dragons out there.” We try to pass on, verbally, by letters, phone, email, whatever works, our heartfelt advice and concerns, but above all, our deep love for our children. You are on the right track, Tax Guy, you have a lucky daughter!</p>
<p>I’m of the lecturing/hectoring school and my son doesn’t lack for advice on all aspects of college life. 
Both he and my husband have learned to endure The List. Even my lists have lists. </p>
<p>When my son went off to seek his fortune three years ago I tried to distill and simplify my advice to three memorable (I hoped) nuggets: Eat breakfast, wear a hat, put your valuables in the same place every time. (You’d have to understand our family prediliction for losing passports and plane tickets to appreciate #3.)</p>
<p>This “best of” list has become a source of ongoing humor between us: eat your hat, put your breakfast in the drawer, wear your passport etc, etc. </p>
<p>Taxguy, thanks for sharing your heartfelt thoughts. I’m not sure if these are the kind of tips that anyone can learn from another person, but your care and affection came through between the lines loud and clear.</p>
<p>My father wrote me several letters in the taxguy style, except they were about 3x as long and contained a lot of references from classical philosophy. I kind of scanned the letters but otherwise I don’t think I paid much attention. I have inherited some of my father’s tendencies, but so far I have been able to avoid the letter writing. I hope I have learned that effective communication needs to be two-sided. I try to listen to what my D has to say and try to lead her to coming to reasonable decisions. I am sure she does not listen when I try to lecture, but she does seem to respond well when she makes most of the input. I have even learned many of her ideas are better than mine.</p>
<p>taxguy,
we all want to share the benefits of our experiences with our kids… my only suggestion might be to change the tone/approach of the letter from “this is what you need to do in these situations” to one of “when I ran into this, here is how I addressed it” approach…so it is more one of sharing what worked for you nuggets … and if one of our kids runs into a similiar issue, then they can call upon the nugget…</p>
<p>Telling our kids what we think they need to do is really no longer appropriate…should they continue to rely on our advice and we were to die suddenly, then they could potentially be really adrift… </p>
<p>I like to think we gave them all the tools by age 16 to really start making good choices… my S continues to make some judgement errors but I really believe he is learning from those situations…perhaps learning more deeply then from “my” experiences heard 2nd hand… </p>
<p>So, just change the tone to “here is what I did when I ran into these situations” might make the whole letter easier for her to accept as a suggestion instead of a demand?? </p>
<p>Sorry to be so blunt/direct…but, I have a mother son book group going on with my S2 (6-14-15 yr old boys/moms…2 yrs reading and discussing books so far) and I am always sensitive to those times when our “discussions” turn into preaching… the kids definitely go into defend mode… the guy who wrote “Raising Cain” also suggests not backing kids into corners…by documenting all the things that can go wrong, if your child encounters one of these things, and makes a faulty choice, then will they have the results and now guilt too as a consequence?? I too have had some success…as has my H… but I am not convinced our kids will have the same opps for success… cause it is really a very different world…the success they have may be in a different wrapper or package…but it will still be something they may call success…and it may make them happy… we may not view it as success…but it isn’t ours, is it?</p>
<p>Not sure if children and parents ever agree on ultimate goals, … perhaps not until the children are parents?? Hope my musings are helpful…if not, discard!!</p>
<p>I can’t imagine preaching to my daughter in the way depicted in taxguy’s letter. My husband’s and my goal as parents (articulated to my D) has always been “We expect that you will be an honest, responsible, caring member of society who gives your best effort. We will know that we have succeeded as parents when you are an upstanding adult supporting yourself.” Added to “And, remember, at age 21, the gravy train stops.” She usually laughs at that part. So, I’ve already told her my words of wisdom for college: “Defy gravity. And remember to call home.”</p>
<p>I think many made some good points about changing the tone of the letter, which I will do. </p>
<p>As far as preaching or being too direct, I am a direct person. It is who I am, so she is used to it. </p>
<p>As for preaching, the ideas noted worked well for me. Maybe it won’t be as effective for her or for anyone else. However, one can only hope.</p>
<p>QG, I understand where you are coming from. I really do, and I expect y’all have decided that is the best plan for your daughter. But I also understand there are other ways to raise a happy child. Taxguy’s way has worked to help his daughter bring herself this far. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt that his read is a fair one about what will work under their roof in this situation, too. </p>
<p>At my house, OTOH it’s a ever-changing thing. </p>
<p>What follows is an analogy -my daughter is not a 1200 lb. mammal with the brain of a bee, and I am not the one deciding where she goes or what she jumps. IF the analogy is not helpful to you please disregard it and insert -“more than one way to skin a cat” (although I’ve never understood precisely why one would want to skin a cat).</p>
<p>When my daughter was riding competitively, I learned a lot about the “aids” a rider used in getting a horse over a jump and around a jump course in the required time. Each horse was different, each rider different. Some riders concentrated more on the squeeze of their legs, some on the heel in the side, some with their voice, some with the reins, position in the saddle, etc. That’s with a horse. Think how ever more complicated it is to help a child with a sharp mind over their chosen jumping course. Think how many more obstacles, and how many more complications there are in raising a happy child.</p>
<p>I am finding that what worked at my house as late last fall doesn’t work anymore. I’m much more likely to get a “No, Dad. That’s not what I want. That’s what you want me to want.” Hurts, but that’s the way it should be. All part of the process. She is taking great pride in controlling her emotions in conversations with me that would have disintegrated into unintelligible tears 6 months ago. Now , it’s more likely that the tears will be mine , much later and when I’m alone. When I realize once again what a fine person I have managed not to screw up by sheer dumb luck and the Grace of whatever it turns out to be was Holy. That’s when the tears come. It’s a happy time. </p>
<p>Keep doing your best, Taxguy. It’ll be good enough.</p>
<p>To each their own but I was uncomfortable with the original letter (didn’t read all the responses). Probably just my personality and how I believe a 17 year old girl would receive it (at least mine).</p>
<p>My daughter goes off to school in the fall and my advice won’t be in letter form. I’ll talk about the following - </p>
<p>My #1 rule for success - attend every class! No one is taking attendance and their are plenty of people that skip classes. I always found that I could study less if I was both at class and actively participating in learning while there.</p>
<h1>2 - stay caught up. It gets very stressful if you don’t plan well and stay on top of homework.</h1>
<p>My advice on the college experience - </p>
<ul>
<li><p>Have fun - go party but be aware of the downfalls. Boys have 1 track minds. Don’t put yourself in bad situations. Partying is one of the reasons the college experience is so great. I remember the parties, experiences and friends from college I still have 20+ years later a lot more than any of my classes.</p></li>
<li><p>Get involved - join clubs, meet people, get sports tickets, go to plays. Doing all these will expose you to ideas and help you decide what you really like.</p></li>
<li><p>Be careful - watch out for your safety, your finances, your property, etc…</p></li>
</ul>
<p>One thing you can say about taxguy - he cares. You’re ahead of a huge number of parents by going through this exercise.</p>
<p>Curmudgeon–Ah, that was sweet. </p>
<p>Taxguy, like you said, your daughter is used to you. So, she’ll take the letter for what it is, a caring father giving advice to his daughter. </p>
<p>Both of you sound like you have wonderful daughters.</p>
<p>I agree with quilt and fishing… Obviously this is based very much on my own personality and childhood independence. But I felt like I (as the reader) was being preached at, talked down to, and being told what to do when reading the letter (down to how I should study!!!).</p>
<p>Frankly, if I was to actually receive this letter it would have really pi**ed me off. Being 18 and going off to college is the time to be on your own, make your own decisions, make mistakes, and learn and grow from them. The last thing I wanted was someone telling me what to do down to that detail and extent.</p>
<p>To me, the line was crossed between being supportive/giving guidance and being overbearing. If I were to give guidance to a college freshman it would be:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Experience as much as you can, have fun, try different things, meet different people, take unique classes just because you can.</p></li>
<li><p>But be responsible. If you want to be treated like an adult, you must act like one. Take responsibility for yourself and your actions.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>That’s it. The most powerful thing my parents did for me when I went off to college was tell me that they trusted me. </p>
<p>I know that I’m not a parent and that with age comes wisdom and that when I have kids I’ll think differently, etc. But I’m over 25 so I get some points don’t I?</p>
<p>whartonalum: you get points and your parents get even more. As they say, wait until you have kids…you have no idea until you are one! The overall point here is to keep talking or writing! The saddest thing I hear is when parents or kids havent talked in weeks, months or even years! So add to the list of “Must dos” - call your folks once a week!</p>
<p>Try alcohol and get really sick and then never drink again?</p>
<p>If only it really worked like that. </p>
<p>Its true that i have never drunk the drink that made me sick again … but there are so many more options. I suppose its a bit different in my culture as we are allowed to drink from 18 instead of 21. </p>
<p>Nice advice all the same :)</p>
<p>Thanks, weski! I called home all the time (and still do!) but my parents never told me to. I did it and still do it because we have a great relationship and I want to. I think that if you have a great relationship with your kid, you don’t have to tell them or remind them to call you… they just will. Then again, who knows what my kids will do when the tables have turned! I just hope I’m close to them the way my mom and I are.</p>
<p>taxguy~~</p>
<p>I called my daughter to the computer to read your letter. Her response was “I think you should print it down for me.” Don’t change a thing! Most educators, psychologists and doctors agree that no matter the child’s response, parents’ words, attitudes and life style are the most important factors to persuade the direction a child will choose for themselves. Since she is new to this college thing she welcomes all advice. She understood the heartfelt love that came from your pen and remarked about it.</p>
<p>So what if kids roll their eyes, they hear it subliminally and take the direction. I am a letter writer, too and will add my thoughts to the letter. Thanx.</p>
<p>My experience is that either the parents will Raise the child or their peers will.</p>
<p>Sent, that is nice to hear. I don’t think, however, that my daughter would be as open minded about this as your daughter. However, I am both her father and the letter writer, which probably would be considered taboo.</p>
<p>taxguy, You are right about the taboo part. I used to work for a company that would hire teens and college kids for some summer work. They would look to the older folks for advice (those around the probable age of their parents), and listen to every word. It was a safe place to ask advice, as we would never see them again after the summer. I am sure that many did not look for advice from their parents, or discuss important decisions with them (ie: transferring, majors). They really would rather discuss what was on their mind, including some tough personal problems with total strangers.</p>
<p>Sometimes it could be important for children to break away from parents and therefore that could be why they stop seeking advice yet would seek it from a stranger. It give the child a sense of independence yet in reality they are still seeking support. </p>
<p>I discuss my education with my parents, maybe too much. They are both academics so it would be silly of me not to take advantage of that source of information. I am lucky that they let me do what i want and rarely comment negatively. Parents can be wonderful when they offer advice, however i have seen some who just preech and make orders. Thats why the letter is a nice idea as it is your daughters choice to take it on board (maybe even later down the track) or to say thanks but no thanks. </p>
<p>Although even with the best intentions college isnt always so easy to plan. We always aim to be ahead but it rarely happens <em>sigh</em></p>
<p>sid19, You are very insightful.</p>
<p>Thank you northeastmom :)</p>
<p>I guess I understood Taxguy’s intent…to communicate to his child… the letter was written because he cares…very much… it never dawned on me that not sending it was an option… some kids might be happy to receive something in writing, vs verbal coaching… </p>
<p>My father died at 59… and my brother read snippets from many of our dad’s letters to us while we had been at college… he had everyone in the church laughing with our dad’s words… it was a magical performance… he originally started signing his notes Fat Old Man…but, it only took a few before he signed all correspondence FOM…which I immediately interpret as Fat Old Man…it is my favorite acronym…</p>
<p>So, again, I never questioned sending a letter…having seen them help make my own dad come alive at such a sad time when we were all reeling from his passing…I say, send the letter and if you can keep the kids laughing, then they will keep the letters!!</p>