<p>My mind is reeling and I am trying to make sense of this…I was literally there for who I consider to be my best friend every step of the way when she went through chemo last year…stayed with her during chemo, brought meals, sent cards.</p>
<p>I just had surgery and I did not hear from my friend who had plans to go to visit family in another state the day before my surgery and has been there ever since. It is 5 days post surgery (after my husband texted her when I was in recovery and then again 2 days later because we were getting worried about HER).</p>
<p>This is someone who I thought was my “dearest friend.” Now 5 days later I got a text which mispelled my name and said “so sorry got so busy here please tell me how you are doing.”</p>
<p>What do you make of this? Any insights are appreciated.</p>
<p>I do not know what to respond to her - do I let her know how hurt and disappointed I am?</p>
<p>I wouldn’t make much of it at all. She is away visiting family in another state. Some people do NOT look at their phones or check email while on vacation (that would include ME). If she was typing on a smart phone or tablet, it is very easy to misspell things!</p>
<p>Write her a response. Let her know how you are doing, and tell her you are so looking forward to seeing her when she returns home. </p>
<p>I’m not sure why you are “hurt and disappointed”. Did you think she would end her trip early or cancel it? I would not mention this at all. I’m quite sure she did not intentionally ignore you.</p>
<p>I’m sure she appreciated your care, and it is highly likely you will hear from her when she returns home.</p>
<p>All of us have been disappointed in a friendship at one point or another. I’m so sorry.<br>
I would suggest, though, that you wait to see your friend and see how she’s doing (maybe not so well) before you judge too harshly.
I gather she has cancer. Chemo changes you, and really messes with your memory. If she is in another state, she could be sort of in another world, mentally. I’m not excusing the slight, just trying to help you understand it.
When she gets home and calls, be forgiving and see what happens. Life is too short to hold grudges with people we love.</p>
<p>I, too, hope you are doing well. Yes, it hurts when things like this happen, but please do not dwell on it. It’s impossible to gauge where someone is mentally, emotionally and how they are coping with those things and when “one more thing” is just too much when it is not right in front of one’s face.</p>
<p>My MIL and mother were both useless, made themselves scarce, awful when my son was dxed with cancer at age 5 and our whole family went upside down. They loved and love him dearly, but they are just not the type of people who can deal with certain things. Now we are stuck with them, but with friends, you can put whatever distance you please. I choose to take them as they are. ALso, some people I hardly knew came to help during some rough times, more than my dearest friends, and then they went on with their lives, these good samaritans when the need was gone. Some people are just better at crisis situations and even choose to make addressing them a major part of their lives even when people they hardly know or don’t know or affected. Some can’t or won’t deal even with beloved family members.</p>
<p>It’s great that you were there for your friend when she needed you. I’m sure she appreciated your help. But, if you knew then what you know now (that she didn’t even call after your surgery), would you have still done the same? Chances are, you are the kind of friend who would. Maybe there’s something more going on her end with the visiting family - that you don’t know about? Maybe she just is a flake or thought you were taken care of by your husband or others - and didn’t expect her to call? In any case, sure tell her that you were wondering what the heck happened to her and why she hadn’t called and yes, you are going fine but it was tough (lay in the guilt if you want)… I always think it’s better to be honest with how you feel but in the future, to have that in the back of your mind to manage your own expectations. Everyone has faults - even our dearest friends. Misspelling your name on a text isn’t something to get upset over, I have typos all the time with my clumsy fingers!</p>
<p>My mother died of stomach cancer while I was pregnant with my youngest child. I was her primary caregiver – and it was just devasting to me. A year later I had a friend diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a great deal of support in our community, but I just could not go through it with her at that time. </p>
<p>Several years later, another close friend’s husband was dx with pancreatic cancer. I was further removed from my own experience and was able to help her (and him).</p>
<p>I’ve gone through this with friends of 15-20 years or so who don’t respond to my trials and tribulations in the way I think they should. It’s very discouraging. The way I handle it is to categorize my friends (for lack of a better term), for example: Barb doesn’t respond well to my problems but likes to support my achievements; ditto Pat and Shelly, and Deb is the one who will come over with chicken soup when I’m sick. If I accept them for what they DO, and not focus on what they DON’T do, then it’s much less sad for me.</p>
<p>Your friend mat not be able to be reminded of her own treatment and prognosis right now. My mother never visited her closest lifelong friend in the hospital (and she ended up dying) because it was just too hard for her and I think she did not want to consider her own mortality. Expectations of others = possible future resentments.</p>
<p>Oftentimes people feel they treat others better than they get in return. If this makes you reassess your friendship, thats ok. If not, chalk it up to her being not as caring as you and accept and love her for who she is.</p>
<p>Hmm, interesting. I like it for the reason that it highlights-or should highlight-that none of us is the “perfect” friend at all times. I also like the acknowledgment that just because so and so isn’t so great at A does not negate her value as a friend since she is so very good at B.</p>
<p>Sorry…but I’m going to be the odd man out here. The friend is fighting CANCER…and she is visiting family out of state. Not calling the OP doesn’t mean she is uncaring. She is BUSY with her family…precious time that she doesnt know how much more she will have. She DID respond to the OP. She just didn’t do it on the OPs timeline.</p>
<p>I do this, too. I had a friend who was great with good news, but I would never ever ask her for support in times of trouble . As a matter of fact, I have some family like that, but somehow it is more difficult to accept family for who they are :D</p>
<p>I could have been that friend a couple of months ago. As far as my friends knew I was done with all things cancer and life was rosy. I was happy to have them think that. The problem was, I had a couple of nagging unresolved medical issues that really had me freaked out. I needed to go into social hibernation for a while because facing people’s assumptions that I was fully healthy was just too hard and I didn’t want to lie to them. A casual friend who had been there for me when I went through chemo had to have surgery, and I admit I was not as supportive as I would have liked to have been. I’ve since been able to make it up to her and I don’t think our relationship has suffered.</p>
<p>Hopefully your friend will come back from vacation with a meal and a bouquet of flowers. In the meantime, try to think generous thoughts, even if it’s hard in the face of her neglect. Even if it won’t change the situation it’ll make you feel better than if you stew in resentment.</p>
<p>Thumper said what I’ve been trying to word the right way all morning. Chances are this is the friend’s first trip to see family since her cancer treatment (and hopfully a good pronosis). When I visit my family, even without a cancer diagnosis, I have three siblings in three different towns, nieces, nephews, all spread all over that state, and all of them want me to see them, and everyone is on a different schedule. The last visit I made I spent part of every day driving back and forth to one or more homes, having one or more “special dinners” with them, arriving back at the sister’s home where I was staying, ready to collapse. Not to mention the time differences between my home and home state. </p>
<p>I don’t think the friend is being a bad friend at all, she’s likely rejoicing in seeing her family, doing lots of running around and there’s just a limit to how much she has the energy to manage. I would never sit and count the number of days since I’d heard from such a friend or how properly formatted a text was. I feel kind of bad for the friend, actually.</p>
<p>I hear all of you and appreciate your replies. I guess it really surprises me that I wasn’t on her mind when I had surgery…when she had surgery I kept in touch with her husband every step of the way because I wanted to make sure she was ok.</p>
<p>Yet she didn’t reply when my husband texted her after my surgery the first time…and then he texted her a second time a few days later because we were worried about her (and she didn’t answer him then either).</p>
<p>Fortunately, she is doing well medically and she has visited these family members many times before over the past few months so it’s not as though she is seeing these people for the first time.</p>
<p>Her behavior just totally shocked me, that’s all.</p>
<p>May I just say – gently – that maybe she didn’t want someone keeping in touch every step of the way?</p>
<p>I have an (ex)friend who wanted this type of relationship, and I just don’t. Never have. I am a private person and find this type of interest from my friends to be too much. Is there a chance some of your efforts to be around her so much were not wanted as much as tolerated?</p>