<p>Well, questbest, possible explanations aside, I understand your hurt and puzzlement, and would feel the same way.</p>
<p>I get being surprised by this, but I wouldn’t be assuming the worst about the relationship. If we are lucky, we have cherished friends in our lives. These relationships, by virtue of depth and history, are of great significance. If this is such a relationship, then it is important not to take this one incident out of context, especially when you have yet to really speak with her. This is what “benefit of the doubt” is all about. I know I have had times in my life when I was very pre-occupied or inadvertently hurt someone’s feelings. I would hope that this could be sorted out with people close to me. I also would not take typos in texts as an indication of anything meaningful about a relationship. Sometimes technology does more to create distance than to build it… </p>
<p>Hope you are recovering well and that all goes smoothly.</p>
<p>There’s a lot we don’t know, but so many things are possible as to why she didn’t do exactly as you did, and apparently wanted in return. Maybe she knew or thought your H would not WANT someone checking in with him “every step of the way”. I know mine would not. He’d have stopped replying to texts like that after the first 2 or 3. Maybe HER H was put out by your checking in so often and told her so, thus she decided on a more scaled back approach. Maybe she actually didn’t WANT such undivided attention. Maybe you checked in with her H so often it got in the way of actual family getting in touch, so she scaled back-we just don’t know. And neither do you.</p>
<p>I still think that rather than counting the number of minutes that she DIDN’T reach out, that you wait until you can talk to her about it. There’s one other possibility and it’s been hinted at above-perhaps you’re a needier friend than she is-you NEED the validation of her contacting you on your schedule or you feel it’s invalid, while she know’s you’re ok and will see you when she gets back, expecting to still be your BFF. That doesn’t make her less of a friend, but it does indicate that you’re in a different place than she is. Maybe her support system is such that she doesn’t NEED you as much as you think you need her. Worth a thought.</p>
<p>Don’t try to second guess what you did during her illness and try not to second guess why your friend didn’t respond in a way you thought. It’s anyone’s guess what her motivation is.</p>
<p>I will say this. I have a very good friend who had a life changing medical experience that changed her forever. It was so surprising how people reacted and it was so surprising who stepped up and who didn’t. I will say that I have found a friend for life in the way I reacted when confronted with a negative experience for this friend. She will never forget and she pays the kindness forward.</p>
<p>I have a friend who shattered her ankle (some years ago); during her recovery, I visited three days a week with a mocha for her. A year later, when I had knee surgery, I asked her not to visit (although she offered). I had my husband taking care of me and could barely manage to be civil to him–I just wanted to be left alone. When I felt better, she was the first person I asked to take me out to lunch (which was a challenge, because I couldn’t bend my knee).</p>
<p>If I were you, QuestBest, I would contact my friend (text, email, phone call) and say “I wish you’d come and visit me when you get back, I need support.” Or “do you think you could bring lunch and visit next Tuesday?” But be explicit and clear what you DO want from your friend.</p>
<p>I think it’s terrible that her friend did not even call or text. I don’t think the OP was thinking that her friend should be waiting on edge for medical updates, just a quick call to see how things went. Which I think is only normal for a best friend whatever the previous circumstances.</p>
<p>I hope you are doing well post surgery and feeling better :)!</p>
<p>It is hard to have expectations shattered at any time but even more so when you are not feeling 100%. Over the winter break we have been dealing with our child and expectations not being met by his significant other. What we told our child is that all you can do in any situation is behave the way you feel is right and is comfortable for you. You can only control your actions - not those of others. AND…you have to be accepting of others and how they handle situations because there is more than one “right” way of doing things.</p>
<p>Sounds like you were a wonderful friend. I wish, for you, that you were treated exactly how you wanted to be treated but give your friend a chance to come at this in her own way. Feel better :)</p>
<p>Big hug Questbest!</p>
<p>I could have written your exact post 8 years ago after a major surgery. A friend I had helped through every crisis (but not cancer) for 20 years went AWOL the one time I really needed and wanted her support. I can only guess that she didn’t realize how big a deal it was for me to undergo surgery, even though I was very open with my fears. When she finally called a few weeks after the surgery, she was angry at me for not calling her and updating her on my surgery outcome! Our relationship was “cool” for about a year, but has since recovered. I think some people are just inherently better caregivers than others, and you have to accept them for who they are. Don’t let this one transgression ruin years of a good friendship.</p>
<p>To update, friend just texted me saying she will call on Monday as the battery in her phone is low. We have yet to talk and the only correspondence we had was my reply to her text quickly telling her how I was doing. </p>
<p>I remain confused…this is not the friend I thought I had!</p>
<p>Your friend is going to call you. The only thing that isn’t happening here is that this isn’t being done on YOUR timeline. I hope you can understand that your friend is also dealing with a potentially terminal illness…and that being with her family sounds important to her. She is NOT ignoring you…she simply had other family plans…but she DOES plan to call you when she returns. Look at the glass as being half full and be appreciative that she is calling you upon her return.</p>
<p>OP, I’m sorry you feel ignored, but I agree with Thumper. Your friend is dealing with cancer. Are you dealing with something equally serious? If not, she may be taking care of some things she needs to do and will spend time with you when she returns.</p>
<p>I hope your recovery is going well. It’s hard to not be 100% and I think that can make it harder to deal with things. Hang in there.</p>
<p>I agree with thumper and sportsmama. When I visit my family, they take up my time-I have to squeeze in time to call my own husband! When you’re visiting with people, your time is not your own-sometimes it’s even hard to find a quiet place to talk on the phone, or in the case of visiting my sister-I have to go outside in the freezing cold to even get a signal. Or you want to make a call and one of the kids comes in to talk, or someone has something they want to show you, or a dish they want you to taste, and so on. </p>
<p>She HASN’T forgotten you, she HAS a plan to call and check up-I’m not sure what more you want that doesn’t sound petty and needy. I’m sorry you’re ill and haven’t had the reaction you want. But I’ll bet you’ll learn that you’ve BEEN on her mind all along and it just hasn’t been possible to spend as much time on you while she’s away with family than if she were in your city by herself.</p>
<p>I haven’t read this whole thread so forgive me if this has been addressed already.</p>
<p>Friends are not consistent. She has disappointed you – badly – during a time you really needed her help and support. We don’t know why. </p>
<p>If she is a true friend, you’ll try to put it behind you. But see how things evolve in the future. See what else happens with the friendship, and then make up your mind.</p>
<p>OP, your hurt seems to come from the fact that you gave so much time and energy to your friend when she needed it, and so far, when you’re in a similar situation, she has not reciprocated in the way you expected. (Although she does seem to have responded to some of your messages, and says she does expect to catch up with you when she returns.) Here’s my suggestion: do what is in your own heart for your friends, but don’t judge them, or your friendship, by what they do for you. I’m sure you didn’t bring those meals to your friend or send those cards because you expected she’d return the favors some day - you wanted to help her out in a time of need. </p>
<p>And maybe you just are more sensitive and/or considerate than most other people. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you apply your own standards to others, you’ll simply be disappointed again and again. Hope you’re feeling much better soon.</p>
<p>questbest, cyberhugs! Hope your recovery is going well. I’m going to side with some posters here… She might have simply forgotten the date of your surgery… Has her chemo treatment been relatively recent? If so, I would give your friend some benefit of the doubt, because she might be still recovering form its toxic side effects and her brain could be somewhat fuzzy. According to some studies, post-chemo “brain fog” can last longer than initially thought:</p>
<p>[USATODAY.com</a> - Chemo ‘brain fog’ can refuse to lift](<a href=“http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/health/2006-10-05-chemo-fog_x.htm]USATODAY.com”>USATODAY.com - Chemo 'brain fog' can refuse to lift)</p>
<p>I agree with 50ishwoman post #9 and Thumper post #13. Further, i have been on both sides of your story. Sometimes life is too overwhelming to be able to do for others, even my best friend-and I rely on the adage “love means never having to say your sorry”. My true bestie accepts me wholly as I am and I her. I wish that for you, too.</p>
<p>Fortunately, my friend has finished chemo about 8 months ago and is doing very very well. She has seen these family members numerous times since then.</p>
<p>I think frazzled hit it on the head. I am extremely considerate and thoughtful and reach out to others in ways that are often not reciprocated. I don’t do it for what I will get in return - I do it because that is who I am and that is what I WANT to do for them to make their lives easier at the time.</p>
<p>Being more giving than most sets me up for being diappointed…but I thought things were different with this dear friend.</p>
<p>I thought that this friend, in particular, shared that same mindset for being there in times of need. We have often discussed how people disappoint us and how it is in our nature to give more than we expect to get in return. I thought we were alike in this way…and her actions just take me by surprise, that’s all.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It certainly sounds like you do expect something in return…else you would not be disappointed that this friend didn’t reciprocate in the manner in which you expected her to.</p>
<p>There are any number of legitimate reasons why this friend delayed wishing you well. Or, it could be that she actually doesn’t value the friendship as much as you thought. I guess time will tell. I personally would not have given this as much thought as you have, but that is not to say your feelings are not legitimate. I do know that expecting nothing from doing good for others *other than the good feeling it gives you *does prevent you from disappointment in situations like these.</p>
<p>OP, you never mentioned whether your own situation was/is as life threatening as hers. I hope you are not dealing with cancer. Best wishes to you. But, perhaps she is overwhelmed by her own needs, fears, and the many considerations/decisions and the looming treatments- and felt yours was more routine. I don’t think we can say, at this point, unequivocably, whether the two situations are truly on a par. If so, again, my best to you. But, sometimes, the gift is in the giving and the understanding. Not the counting.</p>
<p>(Yes, btw, I went through something akin to this. And it’s not easy.)</p>
<p>My SIL gave me good advice when I was struggling with something similar. She said, “You’re trying to make sense out of this by putting yourself in her place. That’s obviously not going to work, because you are not the same person! You’re just going to make yourself nuts if you keep that up. Let it go!” I have a wise SIL. Your friend is not thinking like you, and there’s no way you can figure out how she’s thinking. Unless you come out and just ask her, which is another possibility.</p>