<p>OP, keep doing nice things for others because it is what you want to do. Maybe your friend is not as considerate as you are. Would you take back what you did for her, knowing what you know now? Probably not. You did it not to receive, but because you wanted to give. </p>
<p>OTOH, it may not be that she’s a less than considerate person; you may not know exactly what your friend is going through. She may have finished chemo 8 months ago, but that doesn’t mean everything is perfect with her health and her state of mind. If you had had your surgery before she had cancer, things may have been different. </p>
<p>I’m not trying to pry, but you’ve never said how serious your surgery was. I’m not trying to minimize it, but after facing cancer, maybe your friend doesn’t think getting a step by step account of your surgery is necessary. Your husband let her know you were in recovery. Your husband let her know you were doing ok two days later. Then she talked to you three days after that. She is going to talk to you on Monday.</p>
<p>So, please think about the possibilities and look forward to having a nice conversation with her tomorrow. Wishing you continued healing.</p>
<p>It’s wonderful that you were so supportive of your friend, but I wouldn’t necessarily expect the same thing in return. Not everyone views relationships in the same way, and it is certainly premature to think that your friend doesn’t care.</p>
<p>“I am extremely considerate and thoughtful and reach out to others in ways that are often not reciprocated. I don’t do it for what I will get in return - I do it because that is who I am and that is what I WANT to do for them to make their lives easier at the time.”</p>
<p>I’m with Nrds4-it does indeed sound like you expect something in return. You seem to think you’re this selfless giver who goes around taking care of people out of the goodness of your heart but I think you’re really after recognition about what a great person you are. It’s not that all these ungrateful people don’t respond to you in kind, you may be OVERDOING your giving and they all sense that-and you’ve been missing the signals. </p>
<p>I feel for your friend. You have an invisible “giving meter” running, and your poor friend, without even knowing it, is going to fail the test you’ve set up for her, and apparently any number of other people in your life. It must be rough being disappointed in so many of them for not living up to your standards.</p>
<p>I’ve learned after all these years that people are not mind readers. There’s nothing wrong with being a little needy when you’re feeling bad or scared. But if you expect or just want something from people, you have to tell them. It would have been prudent before you went in for surgery and before your friend left on her trip, to tell her “Please call me the day after my surgery so I can share my concerns/relief with you.” My sister told me yesterday that she needs to go in for some minor outpatient surgery in a couple of weeks. So I asked her if she wants me to visit and bring flowers and she scoffed at the idea. But we talked about it and now I know her expectations.</p>
<p>I take my friends and family for who they are. I take what they can and do give, and don’t get too upset when they don’t have it to give. Especially friends. I have some fun, lovely friends who go shopping with me, with whom I sit at events, go to theatre, enjoy a meal, but who among them will come to my bedside when I am ill, I have no idea. Don’t expect it. As I said earlier, it’ is sometimes surprising who will show up–someone who is just tuned in that way. Enjoy your freinds for who they are and take what they have to give you.</p>
<p>Don’t give up. She may not have come through for you this time, but she may well do so in the future. Was this a serious surgery? Hope you are recovering well. At any rate, this thread is a good reminder. I need to send my friend some flowers.</p>
<p>I have just been through almost two years of scans, chemo, radiation, surgery, and now a clinical trial. At the beginning, I got lots of prayers, flowers, meals, and cards, but they have tapered off since I started improving. Also, I think I have survived a lot longer than anyone imagined. I tried, but I wasn’t able to send thank yous for all those kind wishes because I was really, really sick. A true friend would know that, and not expect anything in return.
I have gone to most of my appointments alone. This may sound strange, but I don’t even like my husband to come with me. When friends offered to come, I never took them up on it. I was lucky that I was (am) able to take myself. I prefer it that way. It would be a burden to me to have to keep up a conversation during an infusion or while waiting for a scan. That being said, I now know a little better how to help when someone is very sick. But everyone is different. I have also seen some people go out of their way to avoid me in the supermarket, etc, because they don’t know what to do or say.
My point is, you should give help selflessly and not expect any reciprocation. The help should be a gift from your heart. Otherwise, you come off as narcissistic, like you are helping to feel good about yourself. Some people tell me things like “Cancer is a gift- I’ve learned so much from my sister-in-law’s cancer.” ***???</p>
<p>I have had two well-meaning people tell me that. It’s the gift that keeps on giving, I tell you what. If I didn’t have a sense of humor, I don’t know how I would be getting through all this.
Anyway, back to the original point, you shouldn’t expect anything in return for a kind deed.</p>