I want to sue regarding FERPA

Parent Cafe
21

Getting your son to sign a release is the right way but not the only way, As part of the deal for paying for college, our daughter gave up password access to her schools portal. We could see every grade, bill and assignment. We mainly look at the financial data but did check academic progress to make sure she was on track. No five year plan for us.

It might work to explain to you son why you need the information. Since it sounds like both parents are paying the bills independently and without much communictaion (sorry if I am off base), he needs to understand the need for you to make sure everything is paid. If he is a freshman, he might not understand how fast schools cancel regristration if money is owed. Explain that since you are paying, you have a basic need to verify things are going as planned. That will be a hard sell but hey most of us have some basic conditions for financial support. Generally those conditions hold as long as the money is flowing. Even adults have to follow their bosses rules to get paid. It’s life.

I would rethink your view on the medical FERPA. While your doctor was trying to protect her privacy, I suspect his main goal with a teen was to get honest answers to serious issues that your child might not disclose with you in the room. Also it gives your child the chance to ask what they feel are embarassing questions. Isn’t that part of what you are paying your doctor for? In my case, I made it VERY clear that any heath issues were between my daughter and her doctor unless it was a serious medical problem. I felt it was important that she felt she could discuss anything with her doctor. Luckly, my daughter is comfortable sharing info so it works for us.

22

@Streszedmom my ex was definitely using my daughter as his ally when we were divorcing - it was very bad for her and he just didn’t see it or care I guess; he was more mad at me for some reason. I have no idea if he realizes now what he did or not and how it made things harder as she is concerned.

Maybe TRY to have a conversation with your ex about it and if you both agree he has to show the grades to get tuition money it will help. Kids that age are quickly skilled at pitting feuding parents against one another. Things are still not easy between my ex and I (there was long term infidelity involved which most definitely added to the challenges) but with our youngest (who is currently 18) we are finding being on the same page to help a lot with her shenanigans and attempts to pit us against one another.

23

The lawsuit part was facetious, right?

24

Those privacy laws are wonderful, even if we want information. I totally disagree with your wanting to sue. Your adult son gets to separate himself from you. If you want information it is up to you to negotiate terms with him- such as only being willing to pay his bills if he tells you things or allows you access. It is not that third party’s (school, government) responsibility to let others know our private stuff. They do not need to spend time (and resources) figuring out who besides the person they are involved with has access. None unless specified by person involved.

Regarding your teen D- it is also wonderful that her physician can talk to her privately. You do not own your kids, they are independent humans. Losing control is hard to do- btw, you likely don’t realize how much control has slipped from you as the years go by. While you may be perfectly reasonable regarding any information about your minor child there are parents who would cause harm (physical or psychological) to a child they learned some things about.

Holding the financial purse strings is no reason to control the whole person. You owe your adult child nothing, likewise he owes you nothing. Your relationship will determine who is willing to share- money and information. It gets tricky as young adults learn who they are and how to navigate adulthood. They also are unsure how imperfections will be perceived. A lot depends on how you handle things. Less than stellar grades- they fear your reaction, loss of love.

Here’s another point. Do you tell them everything? Are you willing to tell all about YOUR experiences at their age? Some college tales are best left until a kid is well past that age and the grades bit…

Yes, you can find lawyers willing to argue any case. Does not mean that they should.

25

Thank you for sharing about your life situation toomanyteens. My son is 20, and I do not feel the need to protect him as I protect my daughter (she is 14). Anyway, my son can choose to share his life with both parents, or suffer the consequences. He ignored me for Thanksgiving, and plans to hang out in a Loft for Christmas. So, no Christmas stocking, no gifts for him in this household. I understand that many of you are saying that I need to do things that will protect my long-term relationship with my son. The truth is, that is the last thing on my mind.

I feel like I am divorcing my son along with my husband. However if spousal support for me/ child support for my daughter will be minimized by college costs for son… - then son may need to not attend college, and certainly not live on campus. He’s 20 years old.
And I like what Blossom said above - Hey you guys may see my mug on Fox News with a FERPA lawsuit!

I went into some of this on another thread on this website. The thread was locked/ closed whatever it is called. I do have a supportive group of moms in my life, and they all agree with me.

26

@Streszedmom I had to do the tough love thing with my eldest too and it is hard – she is coming around now little by little to not being such a self centered twerp

27

Hi OP, I don’t know much about divorce settlements, but is this maybe something that should be addressed with the divorce attorney? I’m assuming tuition will be a part of the agreement, so you can ask to have language added in about access, possibly? If you’re going to pay part of it, you are going to need access anyway to make payments, access statements, etc. This is all about the financial side. Grades and doctors information are separate…separate forms etc. for your son to give you access.

28

Streszed… let’s pretend your son is in therapy 10 years from now because he’s having difficulty with work, has no relationship with either parent or sibling, and can’t seem to maintain friendships or romantic relationships for more than a few weeks before they peter out.

Do you think you’d like the person you’d be hearing described as your son’s mom? Do you think she sounded kind, respectful, loyal, and loving? Or do you think she’d sound mean and vindictive and petty and unnecessarily cruel?

Your son is 20. He did not bust up your marriage. But by punishing him you are in essence telling him that the dissolution of your marriage is because of him.

Is that a burden you want him living with for the rest of his life?

You don’t need to give him a Christmas stocking. But declaring that your are divorcing your child… ugh.

I’m glad you have a supportive group of mom’s in real life, but I cannot imagine what you’ve told them to get them to agree that divorcing your son is a good move- emotionally or otherwise.

Please rethink this. You need to negotiate a financial settlement with your ex husband which is fair and reasonable given the circumstances of your marriage and your joint resources. That has nothing to do with paying for your son’s college education- you want him to do what exactly with his life to earn a living if you plan to cut him off???

Get a grip here. Your son has one semester of college under his belt. He cannot support himself right now, and the money that goes to his tuition isn’t coming out of your daughter’s pocket, even though you think it is.

You are not going to come off as a very sympathetic mother to a judge in divorce court, and any half decent lawyer is going to tell you that. Step one- get a job. Step two- sort out your financial picture- what do you and your husband own together, separately, who earns what. Step three- work to repair your relationship with your son.

THAT’s the way to win in divorce court. By presenting like an adult who understands how to behave like an adult. What if your husband’s lawyer recommends that a social worker or guardian ad litem gets appointed to represent your children’s interests (which will happen if you behave like a lunatic)? And the social worker explains that your son feels as though he’s been divorced just because he spent Thanksgiving with his dad? And tells the social worker that you wouldn’t buy him a Christmas present because of that (not even a sweatshirt? c’mon).

29

Last week you were trying to cancel your son’s room and board and use the money for you and your daughter and have him commute to school. I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to give you access to his school records. You aren’t paying his college bill so why do you need access?

They are your kids and you can treat them as you like, but I think you are making decisions in anger that will do irreparable damage to your relationship with your 20 year old, ADULT son.

30

I have never read a sadder statement on CC than that you are “divorcing your son”. You are an adult. He is barely one, and possibly is getting bad info from your ex that is affecting his behavior toward you. I suspect you will be sorry in the long run that you are making your relationship with him a casualty of your bitterness toward your ex.

31

I will quickly tell a story here. A good friend was divorced from his wife 10 years ago. The wife did everything to make the kids hate him. He used tell us how hard it was to see his kids. We, as his friends, advised him to continue to do the right thing for his kids - pay the child support, make his house welcoming to his children, call his kids regularly. An older friend said to him, “Kids are not stupid. They will see through everything someday. Don’t give up.”
My friend used to drop everything to pick up his girls whenever they wanted to. He cooked for them, took them out and made sure they had everything they needed. He ended up paying for his girls’ college tuition even though it wasn’t in the divorce agreement.
Fast forward, the girls are very close with him now. They finally figured out all the stuff the mother was saying about him was not true. They come to visit him from college whenever they could and they also talk to him often.
You can divorce your spouse, but not your kids. If you do what is right by them, they will come around. They are not stupid.

I know this is off topic.

32

I thought your estranged husband was the one paying. Your son would be crazy to give you access to any of it since you want it so that you can take the money his dad paid for his education. If you have a decent relationship, your kid would share information.

33

I have to tell you that having my father tell me that he was angry at me for still loving my mother after she left us was really hurtful to me.

You both made these kids and you have a lifelong obligation not to hurt them. Period.

34

“I understand that many of you are saying that I need to do things that will protect my long-term relationship with my son. The truth is, that is the last thing on my mind.”

This is incredibly sad. Your kids will remember for the rest of their lives how you behaved during this period of time that is very difficult for everyone involved. If only for the sake of your kids, go see a therapist. Seek advice about getting through the divorce without ruining your relationship with both of your kids. Some day you will be very glad you did.

35

Sorry but I agree with blossom intparent and most everyone else. Focus on getting a job, handle your divorce as best you can (a lawyer is a good start), and leave both of your kids OUT OF IT - it is not about them but it sure is affecting them and they deserve some understanding. Ferpa is the last thing you need to worry about right now.

36

The OP said in post #7 “Oh well, at least I have my daughter on my side.”

Your side? Just wow.

37

I have a friend who still believes she got “screwed” in her divorce.

I try to be sympathetic, but my compassion has limits.

During her first appearance (two young kids- younger than the OP’s) the judge told her she needed to get a job- that before finalizing spousal support, he wanted to see her paystubs to evaluate what she could earn on her own, and then supplement with alimony.

She chose not to get a job. Judge was not happy.

During the second appearance, they reviewed custody and visitation (both kids were minors) and ex-husband wanted two weekends a month. My friend refused (no real grounds except she was angry and wanted to punish her ex) so judge granted ex husband shared custody. He now gets to weigh in on EVERYTHING. Shared means shared.

Third and final appearance, my friend (against the advice of her lawyer) decided to take the house in lieu of splitting their joint property 50/50. Judge granted that. So my friend lives in a house she can’t afford to maintain, taxes and heating are killing her, ex-husband keeps his 401K which has gone up significantly in value while her house is barely holding on to what they paid for it years ago.

Moral of the story- there is no moral. There are two kids who are sad and confused, two parents who are bitter and angry and chained to each other for a long time because one parent can’t sign a kid up for soccer without the permission of the other. And my friend- who would have five solid years of work experience on her resume if she’d listened to the judge and gotten a job when all of this started- is now discovering that most entry level jobs do not want a woman in her 40’s who can’t do excel or Powerpoint or use Quickbooks. Oh- and they pay minimum wage.

OP- build a bridge to your son, keep your anger with your ex to a minimum when you are around your kids, and get a job to prove that you need spousal support and child support to SUPPLEMENT your lifestyle in a reasonable manner, not because you intend to be a permanent millstone around your husband’s neck. That’s the way to win at divorce, circa 2019.

38

@mom2twogirls - not all kids will share the information and it isn’t really fair to always blame the parent - some kids are just harder to raise than others. I have one that really is very secretive about things for reasons I do not understand. For her I just said you want me to pay these bills than show me the grades. My other one just did without any crap. AND I wonder if OPer’s soon to be ex isn’t feeding the flames with the son – that happens too.

39

Oh please @toomanyteens
Either the OP is fake or is the reason FERPA laws exist. I don’t really care, and either is possible. It doesn’t matter what a dad in a situation has or hasn’t said. Any parent that threatens to take her sons housing money because she wants to maintain her lifestyle, including not get a job, and stick it to the kid for being nice to his dad has no one to blame but themselves for any bad relationship with their kids. It’s disgusting.

40

@mom2twogirls ALL I said is it is not always so simple that if you ‘have a good relationship’ with the child they will do x, y or z willingly – that is just simply not universally true. My ex was telling my eldest I was ‘mentally ill’ , a ‘control freak’ and all kinds of untrue and unkind things and at the same time not backing me up when I set reasonable boundaries of behavior for her – a contentious divorce is hard. I was not opining on anything else in the post except to say that it is not always as simple as you just made it sound.