The other post says she wants her son to move home and commute so she can have his housing money. I think most of us would go back to work in this situation. I don’t understand the refusal to work and lack of interest in her son.
My kids never signed the FERPA paperwork and I had a fine relationship with them in college.
And I wouldn’t dream of sitting in on a doctors appointment for a kid after about age 11, even though I no longer have a 12 or 15 year old. I don’t tell my spouse everything that goes on during a doctor’s visit, and I wouldn’t intrude on my kids privacy by expecting to know everything either.
My daughter is 17 and is going to the doctor by herself today, as she has since age 16. I pay that bill but don’t demand to know what transpired. My son is 20 and away at college. I pay his tuition, room and board and don’t expect to see his grades or get weekly updates on the minutia of his life. IMO - OP needs to cut the cord and focus on the big, long term pictures and not use money and a battering ram for control.
@toomanyteens I was talking about this particular poster and information she has shared.
For some reason, you want to identify yourself with her and equate the relationships. I’m not going to opine on information you have or haven’t shared. However, I will add that unless my kids present a danger to themselves or others, I will financially help them when needed if I can and without further strings. And if it helps justify my own position in any way whatsoever, my parents had a very contentious divorce of their own when I was a kid, I never signed any FERPA for anything, neither asked, neither ever offered to help me pay and I also chose to share all my grades and financial information. If they had offered to pay and said in return I MUST sign away my privacy to them, I would have said no thanks and it would have destroyed my relationship with them. I’m admittedly passive aggressive and anyone telling me I have to do anything puts my back up and makes me stubborn.
@blossom my girls make me come into their appointments still. I remind them every time that I can stay in the waiting room, but they prefer me to come in with them and chat while we wait to help pass the time (because there is always an exam room wait)
I’m not suggesting that there’s anything wrong with going in with your kids- if they want that. But responding to the idea that there’s something wrong with privacy laws that protect your child IN CASE they don’t want to ask questions of their doctor in front of a parent.
I have had a chance to go through the comments. I understand that my comments have provoked anger in some of you. That is ok. I appreciate that this website is available for parents. Yes, I do want him to move home and commute to his University. The children are definitely involved in the divorce process; they are part of the family. If son moves home, there are more people in the house. Ex husband hopes to sell our house once my youngest graduates HS. My daughter agrees to attend Pasadena City College (instead of moving out to attend 4 year University) if necessary. If both kids are living at home, it will be harder to sell the house. Long term picture here.
Regarding the doctor appt, I just thought it was strange that they wanted me to sign a financial responsibility form, then do whatever they want behind closed doors. I was just giving an example. I do not mind my daughter having some privacy.
I do not like the FERPA laws and I believe that it serves as an injustice to parents such as myself. But some of you are correct: The easiest thing may be to simply ask my son to sign the form. I have not done that yet because I have not seen him face to face in awhile. Also, I suspect he will tell his father, then there will be a whole other mess. Hopefully son will visit over the holidays - if for nothing else to see his sister and the pets. I will ask him reasonably.
@mom2twogirls Sign away privacy? I never said anything like that… nevermind the OPer and her particulars.
I am simply saying some “kids” are more stubborn than others, some have reasons to hide things that have nothing to do with their relationship with their parents (like they are not doing well). It may or may not have anything to do with the parent and sometimes may have to do with what he kid wants to hide.
One of my girls is all cool with having a bank account that has my name on it too so I can HELP her when she needs money in college easily, the other? She doesn’t want me to see it and I know why – because she is bank rolling her boyfriends car expenses and lying to us about it – I have brought them up together and with like parenting (14 months apart) … And more often than not someone who is not transparent has something to hide. I didn’t stop her from closing that account, and of course I still help her with college expenses but she made it harder for me so yeah sometimes she waits when the other one gets it with the swipe of an app - natural consequence of her decision.
I am with you on the doctor visits though because I do think they can be embarrassed sometimes and I am fine with stepping out – as a matter of fact, my girls doctor didn’t give me a choice to stay after a certain age. That is cool with me.
I ask to see the grades each semester before writing the check for the next - NOT unreasonable. Nobody needs to throw good money after bad - perhaps you are fortunate to have kids that are fairly cooperative but apparently you think it is your superior parenting of them (and your superior relationship ) – that kind of high horse rubs me the wrong way it all.
@oldfort I think your post 30 is very ON topic.
This poster is angry…angry that she is getting divorced. Angry that her son has a more positive relationship with his dad than her. Angry that she might need to get a job…Angry about everything…
And frankly…that isn’t the right way to do anything. All it does is fester her anger. It will not create a positive relationship with anyone. It has the potential to create issues with the 14 year old who might someday also want a positive relationship with her dad…who…after all IS her dad.
My opinion, this poster needs to put her anger aside. She needs to understand that she will no longer be married in the foreseeable future. She needs to understand that her kids have two parents whether she likes the other parent…or not. She needs to stop trying to invade another person’s right to privacy. She needs to understand that she will have a stronger likelihood of gaining access to that bursars account…which is by the way for viewing and paying the bill only not for withdrawing funds, if she has a positive relationship with the college kid.
She needs counseling to help her get through this tough time without alienating her kids.
And she needs to realize that FERPA has already done the test of court cases…and has been held up as valid.
I do think that if a parent is paying for college and wants to have access then it is more than ok to tell the kid to grant it or pay for college themselves.
Obviously, the parent should not get involved in the minutia of the college experience but I would want to see the grades for the end of the semester before I paid for the next semester. I think that is reasonable.
OP - You sound like you are in a lot of emotional pain. You put your life on hold to raise your family and now your soon to be ex is changing the rules. I’m very sorry this is happening to you.
That said, try as hard as you can to not use your children as pawns in the divorce. They will grow to resent it. Maybe not now, but it will happen if you force your children to live at home just so your ex will keep paying the mortgage. Downsizing and returning to the workforce is not the end of the world.
As far as your original question, If you are financing your child’s college expenses, then by all means talk to your son about allowing you access to his account. If your ex is covering the costs, then I’m not clear why you would need access.
IMO, the most important thing here is the relationship with your children.
On another thread, the OP said the dad was paying the college bills. The mom isn’t working.
Yes, I am angry. I am also quite methodical in how I approach a battle.
So for gaining information from the college, my first mistake was that I was calling the Financial Aid people directly. My son does not receive ANY financial aid, or assistance. The bill is indeed online through some R website. It is relatively simple and I hope to obtain the info soon. If not, it may require a subpoena from my attorney.
Someone asked why I need the info if my ex husband is paying the bills. Well, we are not yet divorced. I want to know about the finances. If the ex says he can’t afford XX amount of dollars, I can say, well why does a Grown man (my 20 yo son) need a 10k a year food plan??? Why does he need to be coddled in a dorm with a RA that’s like 2 years older than him? It’s silly actually.
Yes, I could go back to work, and eventually I may enjoy that. My son suffered a tragedy as a young child. I made a promise to both of my children that their well being and safe keeping would be my priority until they become adults. Genius ex husband agreed with me at the time.
Your son is an adult. Your daughter is 14…and really should be able to take care of herself.
Your excuse for not working is about something that happened a LONG time ago when your son was very young.
Time to move on.
Back to the laws: the fact that you don’t like FERPA doesn’t make it unconstitutional, which is about the only claim that you could make. Now, one could certainly sue the college for not implementing FERPA correctly; however, the court would likely dismiss under summary judgement until you have exhausted any administrative process first, i.e., appeal their handling of FERPA internally and then perhaps filing a complaint with the correct federal agency.
You don’t need an attorney, you need a therapist.
Just know that what you are trying to do to your son is unforgivable. I wouldn’t expect your son home for the holidays this or any year.
MODERATOR’S NOTE: The OP needs more help than users can give her. Closing thread.