<p>Recently the High School Life forum has had several threads asking for dating advices and such. In real life as an observer, I have witnessed very few successful teenage relationships where both parties simply had fun with neither getting hurt in the end. In fact, nearly everyone I know who dates have broken up several times [painfully]. I have summed up the following with regard to teenage dating:</p>
<p>Pros: Fun. Social & life skills.
Cons: A LOT of time. Money. Almost inevitable end result of getting hurt (emotionally or physically). </p>
<p>My question for you is that looking back at your life as parents, would you recommend teengers today to devote a significant amount of their energy, emotion, and resources toward developing a relationship? How about your own children? How about yourself (see title)?</p>
<p>It hurts pretty much the same at 40 as 16. Dating in the teen years is as normal a part of development as growing. The supposed shift to random hook-ups is MUCH more worrisome.</p>
<p>I think teens are better off when they do things in groups instead of dating. I think it’s inevitable that some will pair off but it helps if the school plans events that are group-focused rathen than hosting dances and social events that encourage dating.</p>
<p>Dating/pairing off is good practice for real life. It help you understand yourself and another person in an intimate (hopefully not too intimate if you’re still in high school) relationship. It helps you figure out what you want really want from another person who could be your life-long partner.</p>
<p>I think sex can take a lot of time and energy in school that is better spent trying to figure out who you are before you pair up and to your studies.
I have been paired up since I was in early junior high, I got more social approval for that than anything else.
I have also seen teens attend colleges just because of sigothers, get into real * trouble* because of emotional/physical relationships, and while I realize that the sexual drive is about as strong as the drive for food and shelter- if it has to be one or the other, I would advise not dating in high school.
I think you need to find out who you yourself are, before you can figure out what you want in a “partner”.</p>
<p>Serious realtionships in h.s. definitely appear to be less common here than they were years ago when we were in h.s. Kids seem to do more things in groups.
S1 went against the norm and dated the same girl for two and a half years in h.s. Dh and I worried about it a lot thinking he was too serious about this girl. They finally broke up for good during senior year. S had managed to maintain his friendships with all his guy friends during this time which turned out to be VERY important after the break-up. He also worked a lot of hours at a part-time job. So his whole life was not totally taken up with the girl. The rest of senior year was spent running around with “the boys” and generally having a great time.</p>
<p>In retrospect, it was not a bad thing for him. He is in college now and has not dated anybody seriously there. I think his long term relationship in h.s. taught him a lot about what it takes to maintain something like that and he will go into his next relationship with a lot of maturity and insight based on his past experience.<br>
Maybe I am biased but his guy friends who didn’t date in h.s. don’t seem to posses his ease in interactions with not only girls but adults too. It’s like they’re stuck in teenage guy world.<br>
S2 (16) going into Jr. yr. has yet to have a date. His friends seem to be more into the group get together thing.</p>
<p>Dh and I dated in h.s school for year and a half,broke up, dated others, got back together in college and married a year later. After dating others, I knew dh had the qualities I wanted in a lifelong mate.</p>
<p>Things have sure changed since I was in HS. Anyone remember “going steady”? </p>
<p>Our son has a girl he sees regularly, but is defensive about calling her his girlfriend. I see a lot of that in his school. Lots of group functions, but not a lot of heavy relationships compared to when I was in school.</p>
<p>It’s a balancing act. On the one hand, learning to deal in a relationship with the opposite sex, and handling the inevitable slings and arrows of outragous fortune, is part of life. On the other hand, too often these relationships in high school prove more destructive than constructive. Having a relationship just to be cool does nobody any good.</p>
<p>I think college is a more natural setting for learning the relationship deal. More freedom, more maturity, and the opportunity to see people at their best and worst (joys of a coed dorm) on a daily basis. The sooner you realize that your girlfriend does not spring joyously out of bed in the morning with full makeup, immaculate hair and new outfit, the better off you will be. </p>
<p>(The same in reverse, by the way – no sexism intended)</p>
<p>I never dated in high school, simply because I was so shy that nobody ever asked me out. At the time I felt awful about it and just wanted to be like everyone else. Looking back now, I don’t feel I missed much. I did have one boyfriend in college. That was a great learning experience, and I look back fondly on it, despite the pain of the break-up.</p>
<p>My older son did not date in high school, again mainly due to shyness. He has dated a few times since, but nothing serious yet. My younger son dated occasionally, but never had a serious relationship. He and his friends, even those with girlfriends, usually did things in groups (groups which might include both girls and guys), and he was quite comfortable with that arrangement. He told me recently that, at 16, he really wanted a girlfriend, but by 18 had realized that a girlfriend in high school would just have distracted him from schoolwork and music and would probably not have been a good thing.</p>
<p>He did have a girlfriend in college (just one so far, but this was his first year of college) and learned a lot from the relationship. She was, fortunately, someone who understood the amount of time he needs to devote to music and could accept the limitations that put on their time together. He has no wish to become serious about anyone until after college, due to the demands of music.</p>
<p>S1 will have a military career (Navy) and it will take a special kind of girl to live that life. We are hoping that his previous relationship experience will give him some grounding and help him keep things in perspective rather than jumping at the first opportunity for a serious college realtionship. He knows what heartbreak feels like and hopefully will proceed with caution knowing the demands of his chosen career.</p>
<p>emeraldkity – why equate relationships in high school with sex? A relationship in high school can be anywhere from practically asexual to full intercourse, and not all high school relationships are the same.</p>
<p>I’m really glad I dated in high school. I had a fairly serious relationship in middle school (don’t laugh – I know it’s rare, because I don’t know anyone else my age who had such a relatively serious relationship that early) which ended at the beginning of high school. I went out briefly with a few guys who didn’t work out for me, then was in a semi-serious long-term relationship (over 1 year). Right now I’m in a serious long-distance relationship which has lasted over 2 years, from high school through my first year of college. Having my heart broken in high school and dating a couple of different guys definitely gave me the perspective to know what I need in a guy, what is important to me in a relationship, and what levels of physical intimacy I am comfortable with. With all of the casual “hooking up” that goes on in college, I’m glad that I have another perspective from my high school years.</p>
<p>I agree with Emerald that sex in hs is not a good thing. I do consider that dating and serious relationships are all part of the developmental process on the way to adulthood. This process includes making mistakes and having your heart broken. I can remember saying to myself: “Well, I wouldn’t do that again.”</p>
<p>I sincerely wish that I did not date seriously in high school. However, I did, and if I could do it all again, I would have spent more time getting to know and like me. We did not have all the options our daughters have today, alla pre-title IX. I envy the choices in sports that girls have starting at a very young age. I think it builds self-esteem, self-reliance, and self-discovery. Trying new things and succeeding and yes failing are all such valuable life lessons. Team play promotes competition which is vital in the “real world”. I can only speak for myself but I am glad my daughters did very little dating in high school. They engaged in group activities and sports and seemed to have some wonderful boy friends and it focused on finding themselves. I agree that dating at any age can be heartbreaking, but at 21 or 22 I certainly had a better understanding of who I was and what I wanted.</p>
<p>I am not even referring to " the act" as sex
but if there isn’t a sexual- and emotional attraction to the people you are dating then really what is the point?
If there isn’t, then I wouldn’t call it “dating”
Certainly there are those who want to become involved with someone in high school, but I don’t think we should paint the ones as odd, who prefer to wait for a romantic relationship until they are ready.</p>
<p>I think it is a lot better to wait a little bit until you are sure are ready, than rush into something when you are not :)</p>
<p>I think people who have not had sex before college will feel extreme peer pressure in college to get with the program. That can lead to even worse decisions.</p>
<p>I had two serious relationships in HS. The first ended quite painfully (for her - I was a jerk). The second ended in divorce. I don’t think I would have changed anything in HS (except being a lot more sensitive in the first breakup). I definitely WOULD have changed one thing after HS: When we went off to two separate colleges in two separate states, the GF and I should have agreed to go our separate ways. I was in a 5-year program; she finished in three years, so we got married when I was not much more than halfway through college. Five years later, we did part, and then I went off to work on a college campus. I was not much older than the students and I was a kid in a candy store. After many, many “relationships,” I found my current wife, who was a student at the school where I worked. We’ve been married 28 years, and the funny thing was that I knew I wanted to marry her after the very first date.</p>
<p>ps: If your name is Paula and a real jerk dumped you in 11th grade, know that I’ve felt really bad about that for FORTY YEARS!! Even though you never knew it, you’ve gotten your revenge.</p>
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