<p>ILoveBrown,</p>
<p>I’m curious why you believe dating in high school (and/or having your heart broken) makes it more likely you will avoid “hooking up” in college. It seems to me that kids who didn’t date in high school will be less likely to have occasional sex than kids who dated in high school and were sexually active.</p>
<p>Barrons,</p>
<p>There is peer pressure on kids to do lots of things: drink, do drugs, have sex, participate in hazing, skip class, etc. The solution to dealing with peer pressure isn’t to go ahead and drink, do drugs, and have sex. The solution is to learn how to handle peer pressure.</p>
<p>By the way, there’s peer pressure on adults to do things, too, such as get married, get a better job/car/house, and have kids. Most adults figure out that they should resist those pressures and do what they think is best for them.</p>
<p>DRJ4 – I don’t believe I specifically said that I “believe dating in high school makes it more likely you will avoid ‘hooking up’ in college.” What I said was that in my experience, dating in high school enabled me to be much more self-aware and assertive about what I wanted in a relationship, and therefore less likely to seek to validation or whatever with random hookups. Different people’s experiences may be quite different from mine.</p>
<p>Having my heart broken at a fairly young age, I have a little bit more perspective going into a relationship – it might give me a better idea of what kind of guy is wrong for me and what kind of patterns in a relationship aren’t healthy for me – rather than a girl who had no romantic experience in high school who might come to college expecting to find her soul mate right away and be sorely disappointed when her first relationship only lasts a few weeks. I’m not saying that dating in high school is the right thing for everyone, or that people who date in high school are less likely to hook up later.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t believe I equated being “sexually active” in high school with having a perspective on relationships. I realize that sex and sexual activity are often part of serious relationships, but they are often independent of serious relationships. Someone who is sexually active in high school but has no experience in a long term relationship might not have the same experience in college as someone who was sexually active in high school within the context of a serious relationship.</p>
<p>Also, your thought that “kids who didn’t date in high school will be less likely to have occasional sex than kids who dated in high school and were sexually active” may be correct. However, correlation is not causation. It may be that kids who decide not to date in high school, for whatever reason, may also choose not to date / hook up in college. Maybe they don’t have a choice (aren’t considered attractive or don’t have the self-confidene). Maybe they have religious reasons to refrain from sexual behavior. There are any number of explanations which wouldn’t necessarily imply that refraining from dating in high school would CAUSE you to be less likely to hook up later on. I’m not sure if any of those explanations is correct, but it’s worth thinking about.</p>
<p>ILoveBrown, thanks for your response. I’m sorry if it seemed like I was trying to put words in your mouth. I raised sexuality because I thought hooking up was the same as what my generation referred to as a one-night-stand. If that’s not correct, I need a (PG-rated) explanation of “hooking up”.</p>
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<p>I agree as someone who fits into this group. Going into my 3rd year of college, and a lot of indirect pressure to deal with. I just feel inadequate/out of the loop when most people I know have already gone that far. It’s not easy right now.</p>
</i>
<p>DRJ4 – In high school, “hooking up” can be anything from making out to intercourse. In college, it usually refers to oral sex or intercourse. A “random hookup” is a one night stand, a “regular hookup” is like “friends with benefits,” but the phrase “hooking up” is usually used when people aren’t in a relationship.</p>
<p>I guess what I was trying to do was separate “sexually active” with “hooking up” with “dating” with “being in a serious relationship.” These are all related categories, but it’s possible to be sexually active without having random hookups, or to be casually dating without becoming sexually active, or whatever.</p>
<p>DRJ4–sometimes peer pressure is right. Being in college and never having had sex is a sign of arrested or delayed development. Something is probably wrong. Body issues, extreme shyness, sexual orientation confusion, etc.</p>
<p>barrons, I’m glad my kids don’t hang around people like you. You may call it arrested development; I call it good moral values and a healthy lifestyle. And, if they choose their peer group wisely, it can reinforce good moral values, rather than pressure young people to do something that may not be right for them.</p>
<p>When I was in high school everyone single-dated. The few people who had sex usually wound up pregnant, so sex just wasn’t an option. Too bad there’s such pressure for sex nowadays and I agree with Packmom that lots of kids do things in groups.</p>
<p>When I was in HS it was a mortal sin to call a boy, so I remember having my mother call his mother to tell him I was home so he could call - ha. Everything had to be so proper way back then…</p>
<p>Being in college and never having had sex is a sign of arrested or delayed development. Something is probably wrong. Body issues, extreme shyness, sexual orientation confusion, etc.</p>
<p>ethics, morals, a sense of responsibilty, committment to not wanting to have sex until they are ready for the consequences that have indeed happened after just one time.
clearly something is wrong with those young adults who choose not to do something just because “everyone else” is supposedly " doin’ it "</p>
<p>I am not saying that those who do have sexual relations in college or even high school are without any morals at all.
HOwever- say “everyone” is getting obscenly drunk regularly, would we say that those who don’t have a “problem”?
What if the rumor was that " everyone" was using illegal drugs or cheating? Why can’t people have individual standards without having to cave to the “majority”?</p>
<p>Having sex isn’t a sign of maturity or social skills.
Particularly for young women- having sex incurs a great deal of risk- not only are many wired to see an emotional connection when none exists- NO birth control is 100% effective.
I do believe abortion should be an option for those who dont want to be pregnant- but it isnt an easy decision or procedure for anyone.</p>
<p>My nephew for example- had a brief fling after he graduated from high school- the girl became pregnant and even though she wasn’t even a serious relationship- he is now a father and it changed his life-
think about the kids from these relationships, don’t they deserve two parents who are ready to be parents?</p>
<p>I had a 5 year serious, loving, eventually intimate relationship through HS and the first 2 years of college. It ended in a devastating breakup. I wouldn’t trade that time for anything on earth. 30 years later we are friends.</p>
<p>and that worked for you in retrospect
BUt even though I valued my relationships in middle and high school and after ( I didn’t start actually having “sex” till I was 15 & 1/2)
It got in the way of how I felt about myself, the time and energy I had to put towards my academics, and while it was enjoyable at the time, I wish I had spent more time with my girlfriends who are more studious, than with my friends who had social activity as a priority.</p>
<p>I have observed that quite a few people,who had always been paired up, felt very uncomfortable with being “alone”, and got into relationships that weren’t optimum( or even positive) simply because they didnt feel “complete” without a sigother.</p>
<p>My high school daughter says she’s simply not interested in having a boyfriend. She’s a happy social kid who has platonic male friends but just doesn’t want the possible entanglements and eventual breakup dramas. I’ll admit it concerns me a bit because I think navigating those issues is a part of life, but maybe the right boy may change her opinion some day, just not yet.</p>
<p>Your daughter sounds like a very mature young lady. Like my son, she perhaps wants to wait until she feels she has the energy to put into such a relationship. And for many kids who are working hard to get into a good college and further career goals, high school may not be the right time.</p>
<p>I agree that dating is a normal and natural part of life but I think it is unfortunate that kids start dating so early. Years ago, most people married during or just after graduation from high school. It makes sense for people to start the dating process in high school when they plan to marry at 18 or 19.</p>
<p>Some people sitll marry at that age but many do not and have no intention to marry or choose a lifetime companion until college or graduate/professional school. For those people, there is plenty of time to start serious dating in college and to gain the necessary experience to choose a good mate. Those who delay this process until their twenties often make better choices, and they avoid the life-changing complications presented by unplanned teenage pregnancies and the added emotional heartbreak caused by immaturity.</p>
<p>“Being in college and never having had sex is a sign of arrested or delayed development. Something is probably wrong. Body issues, extreme shyness, sexual orientation confusion, etc.”</p>
<p>That is absolutely not true. Not THINKING about sex or having any sexual desires is abnormal and maybe be due to “delayed development” or any number of mental health problems (decreased sexual desire is a symptom of depression, among other mental illnesses). However, not HAVING sex does NOT mean that there is anything wrong with a person. As people have already said on this thread, there are many reasons to choose not to have sex in college, some of which are healthy (waiting for the right person, well though-out religious values, inaccessibility of birth control, not willing to take the risk of pregnancy/STDs, not willing to have random hook-ups and not currently involved with a partner, etc), and some of which are not (as you mentioned, body image problems, extreme shyness, etc).</p>
<p>Some people who do not have sex in college may have something “wrong” with them, but I’d say that on average, the far less healthy behavior is the opposite extreme, having lots of dangerous/drunken random hook-ups and not being assertive about one’s sexual needs and safety (which is not to say that all random hook-ups are physically dangerous or that all people who hook up randomly are always drunk or not assertive… but these behaviors are fairly common and are much more likely to signify a “problem” than not being sexually active).</p>
<p>I agree that so much of it has to do with readiness and maturity. I couldn’t have handled any sort of heavy relationship in high school and didn’t really start getting involved in dating til after college. That was me. Everyone told me “lose your virginity! Everyone gets rid of it freshman year in college!!” (this was the early 70’s) but I didn’t listen to it. It was wrong advice, for me. I knew what I could take emotionally and went with it. At 51 I’m happily married with two kids and VERY little prior relationship “experience”. My friends always kidded me because i was so different but now we laugh about it all and alot of them think they should’ve tried some self restraint back in those days. Alot of them experienced alot of emotional pain and frustration from just jumping from man to man without looking inward at what they really wanted and valued. I know for a fact that they are ALL telling their kids not to do what they did…</p>
<p>I guess kids these days are doing it much younger
When I was 15 & 1/2, I felt like a “fill in the blank” because while I liked my boyfriend very much, I also felt pressured into it.
One of my best friends just told me that her daughter who is 15 & two weeks, is having sex with her boyfriend.</p>
<p>I think that it is fine to have a boyfriend, if that is what feels right to you, but I also think that physical intimacy makes a relationship move pretty fast, and it is also hard to have a close relationship that doesn’t include that, once you cross that line.( and OMG I worry * so much* about pregnancy- I became pregnant with an IUD * in place* and then had to deal with all that- not what I would want for my kids)</p>
<p>I was married when I was about 23, and had a child just about a year later. Seriously, I wish I had waited about 5 years, and think that if I hadn’t had several relationships by the time I was so young, that I wouldn’t have felt like I was * ready to settle down and have a family*
At 24?
geez</p>
<p>A person doesn’t have to be in a relationship and have sex to go out with people and find out what type of person they want to be with. In the years after college, I was fixed up on 49 (!!) blind dates, and BOY, did I sure know what I DIDN’T want from those experiences! When I met the man who would eventually become my husband I could tell pretty quickly that he was the one for me, because I had in my mind the qualities in a man that I had to have. That was it.</p>