<p>Post # 22: “…pressure on kids to do lots of things: drink, do drugs, have sex…”</p>
<p>…and that’s just from their female teachers.</p>
<p>digmedia,
I am in no way your “Paula” but I love that you said that! You are cool. </p>
<p>As for my 16-year-old D; I’m so glad she is not in a relationship. Kids grow up slower now than our generation did. She needs time – lots of – to figure out who she is before she has to figure out who she is in relationship to a “him.” I got married at 23 and it will be 20 years in one month. I’m happily married but still hoping its later for her and for my 19-year-old son. More time in groups is better for finding out what matters to you and who you want to share your life with.</p>
<p>My in laws fell in love when she was 14 and he was 15. They have been married for 53 years. Her parents married when they were 16.</p>
<p>I had a steady ‘kissing’ boyfriend in 7th grade. He dumped me and I felt socially shattered. Later, when he worked as a bagger at the grocery store and I was an architect, he desperately tried to revive that relationship–flowers, stuffed animals, the whole bit. </p>
<p>I had another ‘kissing’ boyfriend in freshman year of high school. He used to hitch hike 30 minutes into the city to see me. Sometimes I left him standing on the lawn and he turned around and went home. When he asked me to marry him, I dumped him. I didn’t really date or look for high school dates after that. Boys were too serious!</p>
<p>I first fell in love at the end of sophomore year in college. We talked about getting married–endlessly. Then my father told me I shouldn’t marry him–and I found a reason to take an extended break. He’s been married six times so my dad was right about marrying men with movie star looks.</p>
<p>I dated a few other guys who wanted to marry me but I fell in love with TLOML (my husband) when I was 23. By the time I married him, I knew what I didn’t want–and I still know what I don’t want.</p>
<p>I apologized to my ‘Paula’ about seven years ago. I dumped him because he did not have his act together–and because I never really loved him as much as he loved me. Wehn I apologized, he told me that his hurt from that break-up was what drove him to start up his hugely successful, multi-national manufacturing company. He’s richer than God now–but I still don’t love him the way he loves me.</p>
<p>My boys have dated in similar patterns. They are tall, smart, cute, sociable feminists. Smart girls seem to love them–as friends and boyfriends. I’m glad. I give myself a little check in the Good Parent box for that.</p>
<p>I want them to date becaue I think it is useful to discover what qualities you need in a mate. However, I think there are PLENTY :eek: of years to be ‘married’ 24/7. I try to throw water on clingy ‘dating’ relationships, or as they call them, ‘Mr Whippy’ relationships.</p>
<p>My D has had 4 boyfriends over the course of her high school career. The breakup with 2 of them was not too emotional, and they are still friends (her first ex is a sophomore at MIT, they talk at least once a week and IM - he helps her with her calc homework over the phone. The other one is a classmate of hers, and she tutors him in AP Bio, which she took last year.)</p>
<p>The other two were fairly emotional and upsetting. One of them, she broke up with because she was feeling pressured to have sex, and she didn’t feel ready. The other one broke up with her because she has psoriasis and he said he didn’t feel attracted to her when it was active - that one hurt, a lot. </p>
<p>I think dating as a teenager can be good or bad. I didn’t date until I went to college, but I ended up marrying my first boyfriend, so I feel like I’m an outlier. The best thing is group activities, IMO, but if kids pair up from that, it’s not the worst thing.</p>
<p>I dated a few boys in HS, and had one steady guy for the last two years of HS and first two of college. Then I met my now DH! Like Dig, I think I handled the breakup with BF1 very badly, though not intentionally. I just had a hard time breaking up with him, and it ended up being pretty messy. I wish I had dated more boys in a casual sense, and hadn’t had such a long term HS boyfriend. I think it was distracting academically.</p>
<p>My older son did not date at all in HS – he was shy, and attended an all-male HS. However, he found a GF during his first year of college, and she’s just wonderful. I don’t think he missed anything by not dating in college – he was able to focus on school and ECs, and was prepared for college. I don’t know if the thing with the GF will last forever, but she’s just wonderful for now. If they are still together in about five years, I’d be happy.</p>
<p>My D had only one HS relationship and so far in college I think it has been a few “hookups.” </p>
<p>To answer the OPs question, the type of guy I would date if I was in college is NOT the type my D goes for. She goes for the obvious jock BMOC type. I would go for the quirky, sweet type. </p>
<p>Sad that for an adult it is SO easy to handicap the 20 year olds and see who will be AWESOME at 40-- but the 20 year olds themselves don’t have the long view.</p>
<p>BTW For the parents here: our generation’s equivalent expression for hooking up was “fooling around,” which could also cover a wide range of possible activities. It really needs to be heard in the context of who is saying it. It is deliberately vague. For instance, a kid who is in the slow lane can talk about ‘hooking up’ with someone and appear more worldly-- and vice versa.</p>
<p>My S is 15, and he is “in love” with a really cool girl. They are crazy about each other. His first description of her to me was, “Mom, she’s not shallow,” and he was right. At 15, I’d say he has infinitely better taste than his sister does at nearly 20. </p>
<p>I know it can be potentially problematic to fall so hard so young, but he is sooooo much happier and less cranky… He is working hard in school, as weekend freedom is tied to staying on track with grades. Frankly, some times I am jealous. He is walking on air.</p>
<p>They socialize at our house or hers, always with parents present (here, also with little brother lurking!). We communicate with her parents (for example, if he is supposedly ‘invited’ there, I call them to confirm it is an official plan, one with their approval). All of us are on the same page about appropriate boundaries: doors open, etc. Her parents are people that if we’d met them on our own we’d probably have become close to them; the families match that well. They love our S too.</p>
<p>We’ll see how it goes.</p>
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<p>I am niot Paula! But I got the most interesting call about 2 years ago from a guy I dated in college. We dated for about a year. We “broke up.” My memories were good memories, but after 30 years I honestly did not remember the details of the breakup. He did. And it bothered him for 30 years. The internet has made this world a smaller palce, and he googled me and found an email address and sent an email. Turns out he “dumped me” as they now say. I was very studious at the time, studying hard, worryng about getting into med school. I had a dream, and had it all “worked” out about where I was going and what it would take to get me there. He was more into living the here and now. </p>
<p>It had bothered him for 30 years, enough that he needed to find me and say that he was sorry. He eventually found his vision, and is doing well in all regards, and married-no kids. He read that I had accomplished my goals and more, and gave me credit for being “more mature” than he was at the time. He was going to be in town and asked me to lunch. I declined. I just wasn’t interested, and I have no secrets from my kids. It just seemed like an awkward story to tell my two teens about having lunch with an old flame that broke up with me. My husband of 25 years was amused about the letter, and that it had eaten away at this guy for 30 years!!! At least he had some peace now. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I did not even recall who broke up with whom, or that the hurt had long since been forgotten.</p>
<p>Probably a wise choice. Many of those innocent meetings turn into more very rapidly. I have been contacted by several old flames in the last few years and all had more on their mind than coffee. I married one.</p>
<p>so you married one of those past loves who contacted you? Was that a good thing? Just wondering as I have also been contacted and am comtemplating what to do. Also, were you married or single at the time you were contacted? Did she contact you or vice versa?</p>
<p>My daughter attends a HS magnet program with a very skewed gender ratio that makes dating difficult. A culture has developed in which it is perfectly acceptable to attend social events – even Homecoming and Prom – as part of a group of people, with no particular need for a date. Back in my time, I think some of us dated because it was the only way to get a chance to attend major events. The situation at my daughter’s school is much healthier.</p>
<p>SBmom: reading about your S and his GF, reminds me my D with her ex (maybe not ex…they are talking again…). Open door was a rule; even those calls to the family.</p>