<p>Golfingmom, my kids both had tv’s in their rooms from very early childhood; my son is a very avid reader, my d. is very active and rarely home; the tv’s simply evolved into something to go to sleep & wake up to (their tv’s had timers so they could double as alarm clocks). My d, like me, likes to have background noise – so we’ll both have the t.v. on while working or studying – but about the only t.v. program that any one pays close attention to is Jeopardy, where we all have to play along. </p>
<p>Sometimes that which is not forbidden is also not very attractive. The big lesson that is learned from unlimited access to the t.v. and a cable subscription is that it is possible to have 150 channels and yet not be able to find a single thing that you want to watch.</p>
<p>As I was altering my 14 yo S’s baseball uniform by hand just tonight, I realized with horror that I had taught neither of my kids how to sew, even just the basics! Thanks for the reminder, I’d better get on this!</p>
<p>NOT to have given in to my stepdaughter’s plea to get Nintendo and Super Mario Brothers. She was 14, S was 6 and as we all know, early exposure to video games is addictive, like smoking that first cigarette. </p>
<p>I knew it was a mistake a few weeks later when I had to go upstairs to get him for dinner and he scowled fiercely and yelled “You made me DIE!!!”</p>
<p>I would have taught them to do more for themselves. It just seemed it was always quicker and easier for me to do it. Things like simple sewing, simple home repairs, simple auto maintenance.</p>
<p>I’d be more interested in what my kids are “never going to do” when they raise their own family! What do they think we should have done differently? (I already know my oldest is NEVER going to ask his kids when they are “going to get married and give me some grandchildren.” )</p>
<p>My biggest regret is not having my oldest son’s eyes checked sooner. We blamed his fear of heights, his inability to hit a baseball, etc, on personality. Wasn’t till he was 10 that we discovered he had very bad eyesight! </p>
<p>I also wish my kids could have “played” more. We always seemed to live in neighborhoods with few kids, and all social activities had to be “arranged.” They grew up without experiencing the concept of a spontaneous “can so and so come out to play?”</p>
<p>Despite my lack of a good example, my boys have both turned out to be pretty good at cleaning. S2 thinks cleaning bathrooms is fun! My D, however, seems to have inherited more of my sloppy genes.</p>
<p>In all honesty, I did the best I could, and am quite pleased with how they turned out. I wasn’t perfect, and neither are they, but if they were, they wouldn’t fit in at all, would they?</p>
<p>I would have loved to have raised them (geographically) closer to their extended family. I have come to realize that I have wonderful memories of growing up playing with cousins, spending nights with grandparents, attending family reunions and just generally soaking up family history that my children will never have because we have always lived too far away. </p>
<p>Of course we have always visited for holidays and summer trips but it just wasn’t the same as growing up together. The closeness and familiarity has always been missing.
I just don’t think they have that true feeling of being a part of a family that is larger than our foursome. </p>
<p>When my Mother passed away two years ago, I saw very little emotion from my boys (maybe because they are boys?) while their girl cousins who had grown up close by to their grandmother and spent a lot of time with her sobbed uncontrollably and was visibly shaken for days.</p>
<p>So while my kids have had great childhood/teenage experiences(many “come out and play friends” in the neighborhood, good schools and sports experiences and a great church group) in the community we live in, I truly regret that we didn’t make an effort to try to relocate to an area closer to “home” when they were little so they could truly “know” their family.</p>
<p>When my Mother passed away two years ago, I saw very little emotion from my boys (maybe because they are boys?) while their girl cousins who had grown up close by to their grandmother and spent a lot of time with her sobbed uncontrollably and was visibly shaken for days.</p>
<p>I don’t think this is an indication of attachement
Boys are not generally encouraged to even know where to find their emotions are- let alone display them in public.
When my father died suddenly when I was 17, I was in shock for several months- more or less stunned.
I removed myself emotionally for a while until I was ready to deal with it- so not saying this is what your boys are doing- but it isn’t an uncommon reaction.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have moved out to suburbia. It is too homogenous and as a result kids who are different (my two were/are) are beaten down by the conformity. I would have raised them closer to or in a city where there is a more welcoming open environment for a variety of people. I think easy access to public transportation during the teen years is a big plus.</p>
<p>I would have forced my family to sit down at the table for more dinners together. </p>
<p>If I did it all again my daughter would have spent more time with her extended family. Even with the extreme nuttiness in both my H’s and my families, I would have had more big messy get-togethers. (So what if they are all Republicans and they destroyed the house and it took weeks to scrape away food dropped by little people in weird out of the way places).</p>
<p>I try and not think about regrets
I would have been born into a different family
I would have married into a different family
I would have waited 10 years before I had my first instead of when I was 24
I certainly would not spend more time with my extended family because while I was forced to spend time with them during the 17 years that I lived at home- I sure don’t have to spend time with them now
I also think family dinners for my family are over rated
We always had family dinners growing up and we pretty much don’t get along at all- it also resulted in meal that were stressful, I I would just sit at the table long enough to drink a glass of milk and leave- at least when we are eating at different schedules- they are eating more- we find other ways to do things together- and we do, do way more things together as a family than my family who did eat dinner everynight at home, ever did
BUt your milage may very of course & my mother is a strong advocate for family dinners- but IMO, thats self preservation- trying to convince herself she didn’t totally blow it as a parent.</p>
<p>Not continuing the piano and violin lessons that she picked up in a snap (was able to play back what she heard at 5).</p>
<p>Stopping her dance lessons (by the time she got to high school she felt she had danced enough).</p>
<p>Mine: Letting her get a dog in high school knowing that she would be going off to college soon (I learned to love the dog, but I regret it every morning when I am walking it at 6:15 a.m. and picking up poop :rolleyes: )</p>
<p>*Emphasizing family dinners–we always had (have) that time together and now that I live farther from home I realize how important it is to me
*Reading to us–everyone in my family loves to read, and I think my parents definitely influenced this. I can’t imagine a childhood without books!
*Not giving us every little thing that we wanted
*Having four of us–my siblings are my favorite gift from my parents, although that’s kind of a cheesy way to put it
*Spending time with us, doing family-ish things with us
*Teaching us not to make the mistakes they made (hopefully)
*Letting us be ourselves–never making us feel that they’re disappointed in us, just accepting us as we are
*Encouraging us to try things (music lessons, sports teams, etc) but generally not forcing us to keep up with them if we weren’t interested–of course, I’m lucky that my parents could do some of these things financially, but I also mean that I’m grateful for their general attitudes about things like that
*Not trying to censor or control what we saw, read, and heard (or at least doing so only to a very small extent)–not being the super-parents who have internet control settings, are careful about everything that their kids read, and strictly don’t let their kids watch movies above particular ratings. Real life doesn’t have control settings…
*Never making me feel like a failure–reminding me that mistakes are a part of life and I’m human, not perfect
*Telling us that we are smart, special, etc–it does help for parents to say it
*Making my extended family a part of our lives–I have wonderful memories of my cousins and grandparents and I’m grateful for that, although I wish I had seen more of my dad’s side of the family (they live farther away)
*Emphasizing experiences>possessions in general
*Agreeing to joint custody of us after getting divorced–also, maintaining family time and family dinners (with each parent I mean)</p>
<p>I think the “mistakes” are beside the point. </p>
<p>I miss my parents. I get to see them a week from Friday! :)</p>
<p>Looks like lots of younger folks are chipping in… so here’s my contribution! Overall, I think my parents did a great job with me (for the first 19 years, at least!). Things I’m especially grateful for: (similar to Seole’s list!)</p>
<p>–They read to me and encouraged me to read from a very early age (they didn’t do this as much for my younger sister, who now watches a lot more TV than I ever did, and doesn’t read as much!)
–Emphasizing family dinners and family time.
–Having intellectual discussions at the dinner table. My dad is a professor and would discuss his work with me when I was young, which I found to be very exciting and inspirational even if I didn’t always understand it. He and my mom would also welcome my sister and me into discussions of current events and politics.
–Giving me space from my sister. She is 3 and a half years younger than I am, and we didn’t get along terribly well when we were little. My parents usually didn’t force us to play together, just to tolerate each other. As we’ve grown up, we get along nearly perfectly, and I’d say we’re closer now that we’re out of the house than we ever were when I lived at home. Funny how that happens!
–Being reasonable people. I didn’t always agree with what they decided was best for me, but they would always listen to my perspective and try to make flexible but firm rules. They always explained their reasoning for anything I was upset about, and even if I disagreed with them in the end, I could almost always see that they were doing what they honestly thought was best for me. Learning to respectfully disagree with them was not easy, but it was a good lesson.</p>
<p>Things I wish had gone differently:
–They were very careful about what they exposed me to in terms of movies and television – didn’t let me see very many PG-13 movies before I was 13, not because I wasn’t mature enough, but because I was really disturbed by violence. Because of this, I missed out on a LOT of classic and important movies, and I also never got desensitized to TV/movie violence… I know that people might see this as a good thing, but it has been difficult for me, as I’ve even recently had to walk out of great movies that I really wanted to see because I found them too disturbing (the latest version of Manchurian Candidate, for example). Maybe if they had phased that stuff in a little earlier while not bombarding me with it, I would have been more appropriately adjusted for my age group.
–My parents were very tolerant of my picky diet when I was young. I’m glad they never forced me to eat anything in particular, but I wish that they had encouraged me a little bit more to try a wider variety of foods. I’m still a fairly picky eater now (although I’m becoming less so), and I wonder if that would be different if I had been “pushed” a little more to try new things when I was younger.
–I am very close to my mother’s extended family, but my father’s family is less tight-knit, so I don’t know very many of them very well. I wish we had spent more time with his relatives when I was younger.</p>
<p>“I wonder if that would be different if I had been “pushed” a little more to try new things when I was younger.”</p>
<p>I don’t know whether it makes a difference or if that is just the way some people are. However, my D. thanked me for not catering to her food whims after living in an apt. for 2 years with a girl who would not eat anything other than bread, cheese, sweets, and the occasional chicken finger or plain pizza or plain pasta. Talk about picky–try taking her out to dinner!</p>
<p>^^Yeah, I knew someone like that. It’s the most annoying thing in the world. Kids are so weird about food, though. My stepsister used to eat pidgeons (and play with the heads) when she was little (she lived in Hong Kong), but these days she’s semi-picky about what she eats. I don’t really get that. </p>
<p>Also, about family dinners…I didn’t used to think of them as particularly special, but I have some friends who eat pez and lettuce and call it dinner or eat cold soup from a can standing up…so I consider myself lucky to have had that family time. Also when I left home to live with other families I realized how much I missed it, especially sitting around afterwards talking to my mom and her partner or whoever else stuck around.</p>
<p>I started this thread, because, sometimes posts like this can help others, and no one did anything horrid, jsut talked about things they might have done better- ie teaching cooking</p>
<p>EK: I think that whole “family dinner” thing is a “crock” (to quote another thread) too, based on my experience growing up, for reasons similar to yours. I can’t believe they even have pba’s on tv about it. Amazing. I mean, we’re not capable of figuring out the best way to raise our kids on our own?! (But if it works for some people, that’s great.)</p>
<p>My W is big on family dinner. She is always disappointed that these rarely work out to meet her expectations. Schedules are too different and by dinner time everyone is tired and just wants to eat and then veg out long enough to recover.</p>
<p>I regret no planning family vacations. We just never seem to make firm plans and by mid or end of the summer there is no time available.</p>
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