<p>noooo it’s okay. most of it is my fault, i can’t think about you without getting >:O and subtly trying to undermine you. i don’t think we would be good for each other, it’s really hard for me to let go of things. i really appreciate the effort though! 
you’re a good memory and you’re the person i’ve met who means the most to me. (as evidenced by how much i bring you up in conversation)</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Oh okay, it’s okay. Thanks for that post. I really could be better for you when I’m not broken over her anymore. And maybe, you know, think more about people as a potential sister rather than a potential gf.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>And yeah, I can totally relate. We always put barriers in front of ourselves when we have to be more socially acceptable. And everything just becomes a farce. I can’t stand most adult social interactions. They don’t have any spontaneity - people laugh at unfunny things - people just have become so good at presenting a certain portrait of themselves - that there just isn’t any honesty left. You learn about them, but in the end, do you really know them?</p>
<p>I don’t know. I guess we could always have a boundary between public and private spheres. And maybe just enjoy our “inner child” in our private sphere. While hoping that we won’t have to hide it/deny it in the public sphere. I don’t know - I, too, wouldn’t even like myself anymore if I had to become completely socially acceptable. Of course, I’m going to permanently change the negative things I’ve thought. But I can do all of those without sacrificing my inner child. But I love you (and not in a romantic sense) for the inner child that you were. Even now, though, I’d still love you (not in a romantic way) even if you had to lose it. because I’m the same thing, and I can so relate so much.</p>
<p>You say you have made a sincere effort to change. That you’re “considerate”. I can’t tell you how little it means to me. Your problem, as far as I’m concerned, was never a lack of empathy. In fact, you seemed quite nice in your intentions.</p>
<p>However, your inconsiderate nature…was merely a biproduct of very poor social skills. That, believe it or not, can be associated with your disability, disfunction, or whatnot. A good rule of thumb before doing something: “do you think the other person might be bothered by this?”
“Could this make them uncomfortable?” </p>
<p>Who is “teenager”?? I am quite confused.</p>
<p>Regarding my little vendetta against you: consider it water under the bridge. I have no emotional investment in you. It doesn’t matter anymore. I hope that, if fate should cross our paths again, things would be different. That’s all, really.</p>
<p>Although to be perfectly honest, I would try my best to avoid you, just in case.</p>
<p>ok - i’m going to comment on one thing. I don’t want to intrude, though.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>academically success is a void, because it’s an inert place. What’s joyful is the process, the learning and striving. But yea, the process might not be as appealing as it used to be - that is understandable. It’s not that the end goal is any less bright (it never was that attractive in the first place) it’s just that the living and doing is less exiting.</p>
<p>Being able to give a few other’s joy might reinvigorate your other passions too. (you might find that you feel there is a lot to live for). I think your imbalanced at the moment, lacking the sort of emotional reciprocity that is really really important to being able to live well. In the long run, though, I am not sure changing other’s lives for the better would make you completely satisfied. For me, sometimes the idea of helping disadvantaged but deserving (nice, kind) kids when I’m older has sounded incredibly appealing. But I think that’s only because I don’t have others around me to help, be nice too, show affection too, etc, - and in the moments when I entertain those thoughts I am acutely aware of this emptiness.</p>
<p>Because If I ever managed to fill the emptiness then I think academics would eventually nag at me. I would still be curious and eager to learn. And just making other’s live’s better would not be enough to live for.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t know - I am cautious about friendships. They limit and cut people off from each other. They make people complacent, less explorative and open. I was SO naive when I was young and had lots of good friends. but I was happy. but I also vaguely saw people (other kids) suffering around me, and didn’t care enough to do anything to include them.</p>
<p>Like what if my friendship with someone prevents someone else whose more deserving (and wanting) of being friends with that person from being their friend. And what if that someone else don’t have any other friends, so their alone because of me. Or what if I am the person left out. I wish no one had to be left out. </p>
<p>I am really concerned about things like this. I don’t know if I’m being rational or not, but I think I am. We should (ideally) be able to move on and just meet other people we like. but for some of us that is difficult. Not only is it hard for us to open up to and find new people we are compatible with, but we have a hard time of letting go of our attachments to those in our pasts.</p>
<p>EDIT: Sorry if I was intrusive.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay, that’s true. But you know, I can learn. It’s just harder for me to learn than others.</p>
<p>I don’t know - but everyone else is different - they’re considerate, but they aren’t nice in their intentions. As you’ve said, they’re “volatile, judgmental, self-serving, and perhaps undeserving of my sympathies”. I’m different. It will take more effort for me than others to be more considerate - there may be some mistakes - and I’ll have to learn from them. But I’m not hopeless.</p>
<p>I don’t know - but I guess it takes people who have gone through a lot - to turn them into better people (and stronger by association). People who know what it’s like to lose friends, and who realize that they can’t take anything for granted. Most people can easily get a new friend as soon as they lose another, and they never really learn how to be “better”. </p>
<p>Oh, and in a previous post you said that you were unsure of whether or not I was capable of empathy. But now you’ve said that I probably was capable of it. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>The one from Florida.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay I see. Well, things will be different - that’s all. Maybe we could just be online friends again. I’ve mentally listed many strategies to try to not be inconsiderate - and I really am trying to act on them. It’s not hopeless - there are patterns I can look for, and patterns I can reconstruct. And things are a lot better than they used to be, simply since I can recount what happened from all my failed friendships.</p>
<p>Aw thanks enfield - I really appreciated your reply a lot. I always appreciate your posts a lot - wherever they are. No, you weren’t intrusive at all.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Thanks - that’s a very good point. I don’t know - I just feel like academics is like a black hole. There’s just too much that I don’t know - that I won’t ever know. And mathematically intensive fields are just intensely frustrating. Because of that, I just wish I could do something else. At least, maybe, help people who are close to me, since that’s what matters. Helping people distant to me isn’t going to do anything for my emotional well-being. I have to improve on emotional reciprocity - that is indeed my chief weakness. It’s not hopeless - there are patterns that I can look for. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s really so true. And I agree with you so much. The problem is - it gets harder and harder as you get older. And that’s why I have such strong attachments to my past. We were so free when we were young - and we’re all in chains when we’re old.</p>
<p>I don’t know - I’ve just noticed - that I’m more explorative when I have friends. It’s just motivation I guess - I’m motivated by social concerns. Having friends certainly can close people off to others. Which is one reason why it gets worse as you get older. But I don’t have many, so I <em>somehow</em> believe that it won’t happen with me. I don’t know - but I guess it’s that I only open up to those who I perceive as similar to me, and there are very few of them, so I open up to them all (at least I could try to help them find new friends)</p>
<p>I don’t know - i understand that it might be hard to point out potentially inconsiderate behavior of mine. Especially since you may fear that I may react negatively to it (or that I might argue or debate it). but I understand that now - even though I previously didn’t. I don’t know - maybe I just need a counselor specific for social skills. Maybe it’s possible to find one, and maybe my parents would actually pay for one.</p>
<p>EDIT: But I’m really thinking about this more now, and I really get it. My parents really care about me, but they’re inconsiderate. Nor do they care whether or not they’re inconsiderate towards me (the worst part of it, of course, is that they justify their inconsiderate-ness to me, and aren’t willing to learn how to be more considerate). That’s why I can never be close to my parents, and also why I always avoid them when possible. If they need money when they’re old, I’ll still give money to them. Maybe I’ll talk to them once in a while. But that is as far as I’ll get with them. I’m grateful for some of the things they’ve done (really, I am), but it’s just so difficult to reciprocate when they’re inconsiderate. Maybe they might change with age. </p>
<p>I get it now [about inconsiderate-ness] - I really do get it more. of course, it will take a lot of effort to really improve, but I think I can.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sorry, I should have edited that post out. I don’t know. I guess the issue is this - if I have good intentions, then can I improve myself with substantial effort? Or is there a fundamental limitation to how much I can improve myself? Personally, I believe that everyone has potential to improve since everything is explainable. People just have different paths to it. Of course, it’s understandable to fear that I may never have that potential - that I may be permanently limited. And that is true for many people. But I guess I haven’t really been given a second chance.</p>
<p>Okay, I’ve looked things up more. The definition of “inconsiderate” is “without thought or consideration for others”. And that is something that can be improved. Even though people are frequently inconsiderate (and justify it too - many professors and other students are that way). In fact, most people are pretty inconsiderate to me, even if they mean me no harm (they so frequently assume that I could be the same as they are, so they try to force me into their social games, sports, or other social activities, or they don’t reply to my emails, or they repeatedly give out white lies). And it’s very painful - it’s the real reason why I hardly approach people now, unless they have social anxiety. I used to be angry about it, but I’m trying to change it now.</p>
<p>And yeah it really IS painful to tell people that a particular incident of theirs is inconsiderate. My parents have asked me if they were inconsiderate before, but I’m TERRIFIED of being honest with them, since I know full well that they probably would respond by <em>justifying</em> why they’re so inconsiderate to me. So just as with my parents, I have to anticipate things myself before someone else has to “correct” me.</p>
<p>But yeah, so many of my past incidents were inconsiderate, now that I think of it. And I’m very sorry about it - and I really know how I could change the worst of them (it really is as simple as asking “how will it affect other people?” most of the time). I actually didn’t even know the <em>real</em> definition of the word until now.</p>
<p>And yeah, to be honest, until this discussion came up, I didnt even realize that many of the issues really did revolve around the word “inconsiderate”. I don’t know why it took so long for me to realize this. I just look at the wrong types of things. But it’s true that this happens to other people too.</p>
<p>To be honest, I typed up a long list of “advice” that you can use to improve your social standing, but I deleted all of it. I find it very painful to say this, but none of it will work with you. Even if you become a much more “open” personality…patient, careful with others, emotionally stable, respectful, etc. Its just not enough.</p>
<p>It is tragic that I have no real meaningful advice for you. Can you teach someone who is so dramatically flawed in their interpersonal skills, how to put others at ease? Remember how judgmental most people are. They take you at face value. They wouldn’t give you a chance, and really its quite unfair. I don’t rightly believe there is anything you can say or do to dramatically widen your social circle and make yourself appealing…</p>
<p>Please don’t take this personally. Like I said, I do respect you in many ways. I wish there is some way I could help but sometimes I worry it is out of your hands.</p>
<p>I CAN however teach you how to keep someone who is already in your social circle, maybe. But I expect your problem is how to “hook” them first.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay I understand. I really still appreciate your effort. I don’t know - I guess I don’t really want a big social circle. All I want is just a couple of close real life friends in the same setting as I am, maybe. And I just really appreciated your understanding a lot. I don’t know - flawed as I am in my interpersonal skills, I guess I do have some redeeming features that others may not have. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay I won’t take it personally. I don’t know. Okay, maybe it’s not concrete advice that helps as much as sharing experiences, maybe. Like, sharing experiences with how one has interacted with certain people. Of course, we’re different in certain ways, but really similar in others. But I guess sharing information about other people could help us with our expectations. Like, I really really valued all our past conversations about various people we’ve met IRL. Some people are more tolerant than others, and some are “enterprising”, as you’ve put it before. Like, the most tolerant people are often those with social anxiety (I know this since I often visit social anxiety forums now). </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Aw I just really appreciate that offer. Yeah, that’s true about the “hook”. And yeah, people already in a social circle really do tend to be more tolerant. In some ways anyways.</p>
<p>I guess, a lot of it is this: I’ve disappointed expectations, so I’m scared of having people expect things out of me. At the same time, I really want to help people in certain ways.</p>
<p>Anyways, I totally understand that you’re trying to avoid me (IRL) for now since you have valid reasons for being scared of me. For this reason, I’ve tried to avoid places (and times) that you would probably hang out. Anyways, for next quarter, I was planning on taking a Stat class (423) that I later found to be back to back with a class that I think you’re registered for (since you need it for your major). But in consideration of you (but also largely because I’m scared), I’m strongly considering dropping it for something else.</p>
<p>I have been reading your posts for some time and I remember you were involved in some sort of ill-fated romance with a girl who the university forbade you from contacting. Heaven knows exactly what you did…there’s another reason I’m terrified of you. Its a big question mark floating around, for me. Maybe it adds to your character somehow. Suspense!</p>
<p>Anyway, you seem to think I am that person?
Or am I mistaken?
In any case, it seems you bave no idea who I really am, and I prefer it that way. I’m not even a student at your university, and nor was I ever.</p>
<p>I am a little curious though, about who you’re confusing me with.</p>
<p>oh okay. it’s possible that you were playing with me, either in this series or in the last post or both.</p>
<p>maybe.</p>
<p>maybe it’s that girl i’m “confusing” you with, maybe.</p>
<p>maybe - i don’t know - i’m willing to do anything to convince you (or anyone) that i’m not a terrifying person anymore, and definitively so.</p>
<p>That’s it- right there.
Your overzealous efforts to convince me how normal you are…THAT is unnatural.
Can’t you see, how strange and desperate it makes you seem?</p>
<p>That’s not the way, my friend.
And I have NO idea who Jeremy is.
And neither, why you think I am “playing with you”, or what you even mean by that.</p>
<p>On another note, I really hope we can wrap this up.
I’m not trying to “taunt” you and its clear you’re trying to project your romantic frustrations upon me by imagining I am some ex-girlfriend of yours.</p>
<p>I basically have little more to add to this thread. </p>
<p>I would like to remind you that: creating a fake account and trying to meet me in real life is quite possibly the most bizarre and strange thing I have ever seen. Can’t you see, this kind if antisocial behavior is the reason we are having this conversation in the first place?</p>
<p>Frankly, I am more scared than ever. Though I eventually agreed to myself that you are a good natured but confused person, I no longer feel this way. Most of what you said, perhaps I cannot take seriously. You are simply trying to win over some estranged lover of yours…in some desperate attempt to reinvent your personality.</p>
<p>You can safely ignore my last post. For the most part, I was confused and ill-informed.
Anyway, please take care of yourself.
I probably won’t check this thread too much more.</p>
<p>I appreciate that you are making strides for self-improvement. I hope you will reach your goals. Keep trying and if it doesn’t work out, you’ve given it your all and that’s what counts.</p>
<p>My offer is still on the table.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Oh, ok. So it’s not just that you’ve just lost interest in academics due to personal difficulties, but that you’ve realized some soddening truths about it that make the academic path seem bleak. </p>
<p>I don’t know. I get overwhelmed with how much I want to learn too, and also frustrated by math, because it requires a lot of effort to understand. My approach right now is to try to get a basic understanding of a lot of the topics I consider fundamental and important, and then also learn about aging/life extension more deeply. This is the field I think I could feel solace in pursuing, feel like I wasn’t wasting my efforts or unknowingly being inefficient, and not realizing what I really, truly, should be doing, etc. But molecular biology is immensely complex, and no doubt mathematically intensive in some areas, and clinical trials move slowly, and really it has its own host of frustrations to deal with.</p>
<p>I guess I really have no logical explanation for my optimism in academics. I think I’m just engaged - and that is it. I may realize the same futilities that you do, but they don’t (at the moment) override my interest, even when rationally they might ought to. I’m probably overstating my sense of commitment, though. Part of me wants to be staunch and resolute, but then I also don’t want to let this desire cloud what I choose to do. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I don’t know if you need to improve so much as just find it - have the opportunity to experience more emotional reciprocity. It’s what I need too, and I know I won’t be very great at reciprocating at first. But with practice, and some effort I would be able to reciprocate better. I know your very adamant about changing yourself, learning from your (what you say were horrendous) mistakes, and being more kind and conscious of others. Maybe it is because I haven’t known you enough to have seen any of your so-called deficiencies that have perturbed others, but your self conception seems, to me, highly self critical. I don’t know - you are trying so earnestly, it seems, to be a better person. And maybe implicating events that you couldn’t even controlled or known how to control or prevent on yourself. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay, that makes sense. I see how you would be more motivated to explore with friends.
Or I mean I think you would be more motivated because it’s easier (It’s hard to meet and get to know others by yourself). And with friends, at least for me, my inhibition and social anxiety is way down.</p>
<p>I hope I won’t get closed off to others too, when I do have good/intimate friendships. When I fell into the trappings of social contentment I was much younger, and less aware, so maybe I can avoid it the second time around. But I don’t know. I’m not convinced. Getting “lost” in a world with just a few others might be hard to resist.</p>
<p>aw, that’s a really kind last thought you had :).</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Sorry about that - I said that under a lot of pressure and didn’t mean what I said. You really weren’t playing with me - you’re just protecting your privacy here, which is very understandable. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Okay sure. I’ll take care of myself and I’ll work hard to be better, introverted as I am. Sometimes, I’m happy enough to hum cute smile.dk songs, cuddle with my penguin, and reminisce a bit about my more carefree days. I hope that you’ll reach your goals and become happier too, someday.</p>