<p>"Of everyone I’d ever spoken to, I’d heard MANY say, “Gosh, I wish I’d had one more…” but I <em>never</em> heard anyone say, “Well, I wish I hadn’t had that last one…” "</p>
<p>My sisters know many parents through their work who would say that (one sister is an OBGYN at an inner-city public hospital; another is a lawyer representing kids in foster care). Some say it right in front of their kids. There are thousands, maybe millions, of these sad situations out there. Judging from Supernanny and Nanny 911, these families exist in the middle class too, although bad middle-class parents do a better job of hiding their indifference/hostility to their kids.</p>
<p>Great thread … interesting partner to the “what do you think of big families” thread of a few days ago.</p>
<p>When I was younger I always said I wanted to have 4 kids … 2 boys and 2 girls. In my actual life I got married and had kids somewhat later in life and we stopped at 2 kids and then science failed and we have three. I can’t imagine the third not being part of our life … and I think if we had gotten married younger I would have liked to go for the fourth kid (still looking for that second daughter). We’ve talked a little about adopting a fourth but at this point we would definately be ancient by the time she graduated from college so it’s not going to happen now.</p>
<p>I still sometimes regret not having a girl. At the time the thought of three boys seemed overwhelming. But I suppose we could have adopted. Too chicken.</p>
The morning after my phenomenal OB delivered my third baby, second girl, she came into my hospital room, held my daughter, and shed a tear or two for the one she herself would never have. She said to me, “I regret having my tubes tied after my second. I’d have LOVED to have had a beautiful little baby girl.” (She herself had two wonderful boys, one before she went to med school, one after.) She also told me upon delivering my third baby (my first delivery with her) that she had NEVER seen <em>ANYONE</em> so exctied about a third child! <em>ROFL</em> :D</p>
<p>On the flip side, my oldest D’s bf who, for all practical purposes lives with us, has been told numerous times by his own mother that he “wasn’t meant to be.” On my birthday last year, he wrote me an entire page letter in longhand telling me how <em>I</em> was his “real” mother and that I always would be. He also gave me a gold necklace which spelled out “Mom.” </p>
<p>When I told my anecdote, it was true to MY experience. I’ve known more people that were regretful in the direction of having less kids than they had wanted. This is not to say that regrets in the other direction don’t occur, though shame on ANY parent who shares those with their child who had no choice whether to be conceived/born or not.</p>
<p>Tarhunt and kat…you are heroes…echoes of the long gone but fantabulous jamimom.</p>
<p>Up until last month, I had distant regrets about a third, I once hoped for a girl but no such luck. I live the life of a major ceiling-crasher but I have no daughter to mentor. Pity, that.</p>
<p>Now that I am living La Vida Empty Nesto, I am thrilled to be done with the day to day logistics. I can tilt my whole being back towards Art and Architecture–my passions. Plus, I am quite happy with the results (so far) of my semi-adult children. I’m not sure I could have delivered the same service to three.</p>
<p>So–no regrets. Had two and am thrilled to bits by them both. Don’t want more now. Mentor lots and lots of teens and young 20-somethings as a substitute.</p>
<p>DH, on the other hand, should have had four kids. Fatherhood is the thing he does best in life. He’s ‘adopted’ the three fatherless boys across the street.</p>
I’m with you. Two is perfect. I had a pregnancy scare in my early 40s also, and immediately after learning it was negative, fixed it so there would never be another scare. My H wanted to try for a girl, but three children would not have been right for me.</p>
<p>I’ve often said, referring to the many difficulties involved in parenting my second child, that if Number Two had been Number One, there wouldn’t have been a Number Two. But seeing them now as young men, learning to love and respect and support each other as brothers, I am content and certain that the two we have were both necessary and sufficient. ;)</p>
<p>Wow, B – you really connect with kids! What a gift.</p>
<p>I am happy with five. If my back weren’t so bad, I might have even had one more . . . I don’t know why I had five. It doesn’t really make sense for someone as disorganized as I am. But I love having all of them. And they are all soo different from each other (even though they kind of look alike). Someone said that to me once. He seemed really puzzled. He said, “Your kids are all so different from each other.” Not very many people know all five of my kids, since they are spread out over a 16 year span . . . Maybe that’s why I had five. Curiousity to see what the next one would be like . . .</p>
<p>I can tell that my daughter would have loved hanging out at your house growing up. Her best friend is from a large family and for obvious reasons our two families were quite different stylistically - with the same amount of love. When my D needed big and bold she hung out at her friend’s house. When her friend wanted a quieter and more controlled environment, she hung out here. </p>
<p>IMHO only children need a second loving home in their life that is very different than the typical only child household. What surprised me a little is that kids from loving, high energy households might need a little peace and quiet (a dinner with classical music even!) from time to time.</p>
<p>No complaints here, I am very happy with one kid…but I know that my D benefitted greatly from hanging around her Berurah equivalent.</p>
<p>Have one loney only here…she’s the light of our lives, but I would have loved to have had another…conceived naturally after years of infertility drugs. After preeclampsia, and nearly losing both of us, DH said “no more” and I reluctantly agreed. We were middle of 5 (me) and 4th of 6 (him) so we’d had our large family experiences. We loved having no sibling squabbles, I must admit; but I did start to feel the baby draw after DD was about 6 and in first grade. Now, with elderly parents and a mentally disabled SIL to care for, we’ve got our plates full.</p>
<p>NO WAY you can beat me on disorganization!!! I am a DISASTER. Luckily, most of my kids have learned to cope and they keep me in line somewhat! ;)</p>
<p>I have one…I adore kids…always had a house filled with the neighbors…and while I often talked about having a brood of my own, it wasn’t in the cards. I have been a single parent for nearly 18 years. It was the hardest job I ever had. And one of the most fulfilling. I took the first 3 years “off” and took care of one other the same age (in my home), until D asked me to go to school. Then I worked p/t arranging my schedule to drop her off and pick her up. I didn’t go back to f/t work until she was in elementary. When she became a sophomore in hs I once again whittled my schedule to p/t and have been p/t since. </p>
<p>I would be a good candidate for Operation Cuddle, or even emergency foster care. Until their deaths 2 years ago my parents were foster parents to 2 very disturbed teen boys. My parents worked miricles with these boys, and I remain in touch with them. Maybe I’ll look into that. I have the time, and the energy.</p>
<p>My hat’s off to you, m’dear, and also to latetoschool, oaklandmom, and all of our other single parents. A harder job is impossible to find! Kudos to each of you on a job VERY well done! </p>
<p>My girls were 10 and 7 when my son was born. Until that point, we had been a totally girl-centric family with pink and ballet and tea parties. I had always wanted a girl and wore pink every day of my first pregnancy. After we had girl number two, we were pretty happy and thought of a third someday. When I got pregnant the third time, we were sure it would be another girl and I adamantly didn’t want a boy. The night of the final episode of Seinfeld I had my sonogram. MIL was supposed to babysit but blew us off as usual, so we all went to the doctor where this nice man (think Franck from Father of the Bride) was skipping and singing around the office. When he announced it was a boy, I had such a hysterical meltdown that they had to usher the girls out and the doctor collapsed in a chair. I was depressed through the whole pregnancy, had a hellacious delivery and refused to hold the baby in the delivery room. Later on, the nurse handed him to me and in my exhausted state I almost dropped him. My heart stopped and I fell in love and have spent every day since sucking his little face and squeezing his baby guts. I still find boys enormously challenging and prefer girls very much, but this little guy is the joy of my life.</p>
Agreed … I am amazed and in awe of single parents … while I have 3 kids I have a partner to ensure I have some downtime and that there are times at work when I know she’ll take care of any family business that arises. Being a single parent and being responsible for kids 24/7 for 20+ years is an incredible statement about commitment and love!</p>
<p>People who wish to do more parenting can do so very easily: mentor at a youth shelter or group home, foster parent, adopt, or otherwise become involved with kids whose birth families are dysfunctional or nonexistent. I have had the great blessing and good fortune to tutor, mentor and/or just simply care about numerous such adolescents, and I am infinitely richer for the experience.</p>
<p>One of the big issues of my life. I wanted another terribly once my D was 8 and my S 5. H did not want and did not feel capable of taking care of another.</p>
<p>Made some use of the experience though. When my little sister was saying she wanted another but her H wasn’t fully on board, I told her if it really mattered to her she should stand firm.</p>
<p>Her third was born this January. They are both (and their first two kids as well) so happy.</p>
<p>We have three sons. Before having the third, the decision was made because we agreed that we never would regret having the third, but might have regreted not having him. Also made with the outlook that we would have welcomed three sons, and NOT because we were hoping for a daughter. After the third there was never a moment we wanted a fourth. They now outnumbered us and we lived far away from any family or friends that would help.</p>
<p>Had money been no object, I may have had a couple more, but we wanted to be able to provide at least the essentials without worrying. I know a woman with six kids now having to go back to work with because she wants to “help” with college.</p>
<p>I also would never have wanted more in my 40’s. I had the last by 29 and now am looking forward to a very relaxing “empty nest” while still young enough to enjoy it and having survived raising them.</p>