<p>^^^</p>
<p>In post #63 op states that both she and her H work out.</p>
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<p>That could be me describing my son’s behavior. I would truly feel better if my son was eating the same amount of food, but at the family dinner table, or out with friends. But sneaking it into the house, hiding it in his room, leaving in the middle of the night to eat fast food alone - that is more troublesome.</p>
<p>Seahorsesrock, I put in my time on the treadmill, but my husband works out a lot. H gives Son a lot more grief about his eating than I do, so Son is very disinclined to do what H says regarding working out.</p>
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<p>I am too thin to be a good example for my kids. I am discounted - they all say “Mom just doesn’t eat.” That is not at all true - but I do try to be gluten free, so I will pass up cakes and cookies and sandwiches and pizza. I have food allergies so there are other things I don’t eat. And I also hate to eat when I am not hungry. If I have had a large, late lunch, and am genuinely not hungry, I will sit at the dinner table to be social, but will only have a drink and maybe a bit of something. </p>
<p>[Waiting now for someone to post that I have an eating disorder so it runs in the family. That is not at all true. I definitely eat, but in the last few years, I have become allergic to more foods.]</p>
<p>[Interventions</a> to Promote Physical Activity and Dietary Lifestyle Changes for Cardiovascular Risk Factor Reduction in Adults](<a href=“http://circ.ahajournals.org/content/122/4/406.full]Interventions”>http://circ.ahajournals.org/content/122/4/406.full)</p>
<p>This is a very long article just released that I have just skimmed. You may find the section on motivational interviewing and related websites helpful.
Mary</p>
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<p>One problem with bet or contest approach is that it provides no motivation to keep the weight off. Once the bet period is over there is a strong psychological tendency to relax and go back to your old eating habits.</p>
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<p>But there is also the possibility of thinking “I look/feel so good, I want to stay that way.”</p>
<p>My friend had to show her D that she loved her no matter what she looked like or how well she did in school. I love my friend but she is extremely organized and disciplined. She exerted a lot of control over her D. What movies she could see, what she could wear etc. My friend and her H were both highly educated (H at an ivy). The D has ADD and just was never the student her parents wanted her to be. They also were very religious. Add a younger sister who seemed to be the “perfect” child. My friend has had it described to her that the one thing her D felt she had some control over was what she ate and as she got older the lifestyle she lived.
I know this isn’t 12 step correct but in Al Anon they advise you to try 6 different meetings before you decide if Al Anon is for you. Maybe you make some sort of deal with you S that if he attends a certain number of OA meetings you will reward him or at least stop mentioning his eating for a period of time.
Another idea is to tell your S your concerns once, and tell him that when HE is ready you will help him find help. Your S has to do this for himself for it to work.</p>
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<p>Logic would suggest that would be true, but the numbers tell a different story. If that were sufficient motivation, most people we keep of the weight they lose. But most people don’t. They gain it back. “Looking/feeling good” sounds like a powerful motivation for keeping the weight off, but apparently it isn’t.</p>
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<p>Check. He is living at home when he should be away from school. He cannot control his spending, so he can no longer carry a credit or debit card. His eating is, in part, about control.</p>
<p>Missypie - big hug to you. Although not described as such by Dante, watching your child do something destructive is certainly a level of hell.</p>
<p>My greatest concern for you and your son in all of this is that it has taken on a life of its own. Your son may have faced challenges over the years as someone with Aspergers syndrome, but he was validated by his academic success. What I know from my work as a school psychologist, is that children who achieve his level of success always have a parent who has been their champion, their translator, their anticipator. NOT an enabler, but someone who was able to partner with their child and help them navigate the intangibles. </p>
<p>College did not work out for him. He must be so disappointed and questioning all that he thought was true about himself. He thought he was ready to soar and instead he finds himself back in the nest. This cannot be easy for him and unfortunately in some crazy way, he is probably blaming and resenting the person who did the most for him. </p>
<p>Missy, I don’t care how diplomatic you are, how carefully you craft a plan, your son is going to know YOU want him to lose weight. He will see your hand in anything you do, no matter how clever you think you are. And when he senses this, his interpretation will be that you don’t love him. He is already disappointed in himself, and he will be quick to see disappointment in the eyes of others, particularly yours. </p>
<p>I don’t know if I could follow this advice myself - but let it go. He needs your unconditional love more than anything else. Right now you just have to love him. </p>
<p>I am not criticizing you. Trust me, I understand with all of my heart. But you have to step aside and just let him know that you love him.</p>
<p>Good advice, workinprogress2. I actually mention his weight/eating/lack of exercise very little. It is H who brings it up all the time…all the time…H is a stay at home dad, so the two of them are in that house togehter a lot.</p>
<p>Hi there. I only skimmed this thread, but Missy, is there any chance you could convince your H to just drop commentary altogether about it? Convince him that at this point it really is reinforcing a negative message? To instead just love the kid up and let him decide who he’ll be about it? </p>
<p>I am married to someone who is overweight (not that I’m especially skinny) and frankly he’s worth a million of those buff dufuses I used to date 
The one thing I swore when we got together is that even though we had different lifestyles and relationships with food (at the time I worked out a lot), I would learn not to judge his habits and just take him at face value. That’s tougher than it sounds sometimes, because of course I love him, and want him to have a long life. (Not to mention it’s hard to maintain a figure when you have someone bringing naughty food home all the time … although of course he doesn’t mind me with a few extra pounds either So I can relate to how difficult it must be for your H., who works out so much, not to be righteous about it!</p>
<p>With respect to craving, I will say that protein supplements seem to help me personally refrain from overindulging, and I notice that McH seems to loose weight without trying when taking a shake a day – guys really need good protein to keep the metabolism sorted, I suspect. I also do better with South Beach and Mediterranean approaches to cooking. </p>
<p>It’s too bad your son’s girlfriend wouldn’t take up working out or something, to see if he’d follow along (to keep an eye on the guys at the gym…) I will just send ya the light that something like that comes along to shift things for him, and in the mean time, hugs!</p>
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<p>It’s so hard to find the line, isn’t it? We aren’t to judge a person for overeating, but we aren’t to ignore an eating disorder. We let our kids fly the nest and know they are drinking quite a bit in college, but if the parent suspects alcholism, we can’t ignore it. If an athlete is working out like crazy and taking all kinds of supplements, we live with it, but once it’s steroids, we can’t ignore it.</p>
<p>Another thought- my friend once said esteemable (not sure that is really a word) build self esteem. Your S’s self esteem is in a deep hole. Are there simple things he can do for you during the day while you are at work? Praise and thank him for things that you don’t think are a big deal. Even tell him how much a help it is when he folds the laundry. Also how you phrase things makes a difference. Instead of telling him you want him to do the laundry, say how much it would help you if he could get some of the laundry done while you are at work. Make him feel like he is doing you a favor. When you drive somewhere in the car tell him how much you value the time the two of you can spend together.
Also can he resume any of the community service avenues he did in high school?
Try to think of small things that you know he will be successful at.
Also workinprogress words are gold.</p>
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<p>Our situation is not where I thought we would be in 2012. Son is supposed to be away in his junior year in college. Our youngest is 16 and drives herself everywhere and I never dreamed that H would still be a SAHD at this point. Not a great combination, the two of them at home together all afternoon.</p>