<p>I have gotten a lot of PMs lately and over 7,000 people have read my thread, so there is a lot of interest on this topic. If your child broke the law and went to prison, not jail for a minor offense, would you cease contact because he behaved in a way that went against your morals? I got a PM the other day how someones son went to prison and his parents refused any offer to help-no bail, calls, etc. I guess I am not a “tough” parent. In fact I am going to visit him at the county jail where he will be transferred soon. It’s hard to walk in another’s shoes, but do you think you would be a Tough Love Parent? Thanks for all the support for me-sometimes it almost feels like HUGS!!</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are in this position, and can’t imagine, but . . I see no reason to be a tough love parent, as they said. Your child is being punished by the law. Isn’t that punishment enough? I would give my child all the support he needed. I’m sure he already knows you disapprove of what he did. Life is too short. (unless he is without remorse, then it could be different)</p>
<p>Faux,</p>
<p>It would depend on what he did.</p>
<p>Generally speaking, though, I would definitely do more than “keep in touch.” From the little I know about it, prisoners need someone on the “outside” to provide them with money, send them a new pair of shoes (or whatever), visit them, and keep up their spirits.</p>
<p>Does anyone know any statistics about recidivism among prisoners with such support versus those without?? I suspect the former do better than the latter.</p>
<p>In addition, this is your son. Don’t you want to know how he is doing, and provide him moral support??</p>
<p>i feel like my child is an extension of myself. i feel that i have 18 years to decipher his character and do my best to guide him. i will always owe him my loyalty however things turn out for him.</p>
<p>Not a chance in hell. You love your kid, I love my kid. Withholding compassion and love from your son in no way “makes him a better person”.
Also—you CAN be angry and disappointed in his behavior, but love him and support his recovery at the same time.</p>
<p>I ABSOLUTELY would keep in touch! If my kid did something which involved taking advantage of someone financially, I might show “tough love” when they got out by not giving them money willy nilly, or if they did something while on drugs or alcohol, I would not enable that behavior at all. But “tough love” does not mean “no love.” </p>
<p>I could never cease contact with my kids. Even the thought makes me sad.</p>
<p>I agree with musicamusica: not a chance in hell. It is perfectly possible to combine love and support with disapproval of an act one finds unacceptable and guidance towards a better way. </p>
<p>That’s practically the definition of parenting!</p>
<p>He is probably hurting enough and needs all the support he can get. Keep in touch!</p>
<p>The teen son of some folks we know was busted for possession of weed. He was taken to a “nice” suburban jail. They left him there for a few days before they bailed him out. I thought that was a pretty brave and wise thing to do, because as a first time offender, it is extraordinarly unlikley that he will draw any other jail time.</p>
<p>That type of situation is pretty much the limit of when I’d leave a child of mine in jail if I could help it.</p>
<p>I would absolutely keep in touch.</p>
<p>I would assume that every accommodation we consider “normal” today, including family visits to prison, phone calls, mail and more, were hard-won battles under the U.S. Constitution’s 8th Amendment which declares no “cruel and unusual punishment.” I wouldn’t want to be cruel or unusual. I would visit.</p>
<p>I would NEVER leave my kid in jail for possession of weed, something that IMNSHO shouldn’t even be illegal. I shudder to think what could have happened to their son. Far from being brave and wise, it sounds stupid and foolhardy to me. But obviously, YMMV.</p>
<p>If my son were jailed for hurting someone, or doing something that could potentially hurt someone, that would be another matter.</p>
<p>Love of a parent for a child, even an adult child, should be close to unconditional. I would absolutely visit, stay in touch, be supportive in your situation. He’ll need your support when he is released as well, if he is going to find his way back into mainstream society.</p>
<p>There is a difference between loving your child and agreeing with his actions and decisions. Nothing wrong with his knowing you are disappointed by the choices he has made. But he is a young man still, right? He can turn this around. And you can cheer him on.</p>
<p>Sometimes the “toughest” love is the kind that looks someone who has made a terrible judgement/mistake/choice in the eye and says “I still love you. I am here. I will be here”. The kind of love that endures all things, hopes all things. Endures commentary from parents who have no clue what you are experiencing.</p>
<p>So yes, I would visit as often as I were allowed. Life is rarely one thing or another, so you gotta allow for love AND disapproval, support AND boundaries. I might change the locks on the silverware drawer, or not keep cash around, but you can be prudent and sensible and still love your kid.</p>
<p>Keep in touch! This is your son and he needs your love and caring.</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you, OP. Can’t fathom what you must be going through. </p>
<p>Nor can I fathom anything that would make me withhold my love and support from my child. A mother’s love is as close to being ‘unconditional’ as anything can be. Your son needs to know that you love him. He’s gotten the message that he has wronged society and has a debt to pay. He needs to get the message that his family still loves and supports him even though he has broken the law.</p>
<p>Please remember to take good care of yourself.</p>
<p>No, I would not cut off contact or emotional support from my child. When young people make big mistakes, the family may be their lifeline. I tend to think that bringing that person closer to the family, if it’s a loving family, may give them the strength to make the changes needed for recovery and rehabilitation.
I don’t believe that is the same thing as enabling. When our kids mess up, they know we disapprove. Showing love and faith in someone, in spite of one’s mistakes, is a very powerful motivator.</p>
<p>People have their limits. It’s a personal decision as to how supportive one should be for one’s child, and when said child is an adult, situations often occur where there is little or no contact, even if something like prison is not in the picture. There was a time in my life when i had little to do with my family, and my one brother disappeared from our lives for a year or so. So sometimes it is the choice of the child to limit or have no contact. Also, try to see how much good/harm you are actually doing with your visits/contact, etc. </p>
<p>My DH’s aunt and uncle have a son, our cousin in prison, and they have NOT been able to visit or be of much support because of ill health, distance from where he is imprisoned and other issues that they are dealing with. Sometimes even after release, parents are not able to help much if the crime is such that it can adversely impact them when they are just making it. Sex offenders, and those who committed violet crimes have this issue a lot. </p>
<p>But how much you visit, stay in touch, converse, offer aid is really something that you have to assess, and also look at how it is impacting your life and those of other members of the family. If your SO has drastically different views on what kind of contact and how much this event should be effecting the family, you might want to tailor some of your actions to work with him as well. This sort of thing affects the health, both mental and physical of all family members who care about the member so affected and that it can so adversely affect some is another issue. But where the lines are to be drawn is a private, personal thing that none of us or anyone can well dictate to you . </p>
<p>I recommend seeing a therapist. Though it may be difficult to find someone who is well experienced in dealing with parents/families of a convicted felon, there is no shortage of those who are well apprised in the stress that a family member can cause with risky behavior and adverse consequences. You re in very good company with a lot of people when you define your situation that way. There are some who would be better off in prison as they are out and about creating all kinds of mayhem and causing stress for all who know them ,and certainly to those who love them. </p>
<p>You cannot control what others do but you can work on yourself and that is where the most controls are, so learn to do what you can there. These kind of things can really age you terribly and stress you out in ways that may be doing noone any good. To be able to advocate the most effectively for the longest time, you want to keep your health, mental, emotional as well as physical optimized and you don’t want to sink the family with an obsession towards one member. Keeping a balance is going to be very important.</p>
<p>The thing is with most people who go to prison, they are going to come out and have to make their way back into society, hopefully becoming self sufficient and focusing on staying out of trouble. Even those who are convicted of confrontational crime, are sex offenders and other things that make them the scourge of humanity. </p>
<p>I do caution about announcing the situation too widely, because it can hurt the person later. When it’s been a topic of widespread discussion, more people are going have made up their minds and may avoid the person entirely. There is a young man in our community who did go to prison, a young woman I know from my son’s school who did…the list is long, but things were not so widely announced which let them get their feet in doors when they got out and tell their story at the right time instead of being prejudged. Some people I know are shocked that these young people are working and doing well despite being convicted felons, and would have never given them opportunities and still avoid them; in fact the young woman would not have gotten her job had the employer known up front. Wouldn’t have gotten her foot in the door. But she was able to choose when to let him know,and was given an opportunity that too many won’t get because their reputation precedes them. So do select who you tell about this carefully, as it can impact his return to the mainstream, as he will be doing so in a short time.</p>
<p>I would visit and continue to show my support and love for my child; absolutely.</p>
<p>cptofthehouse, very nice post.</p>
<p>I’m sure this is a very personal decision for everyone, but I would not cut off contact and support of my child under these circumstances as I understand them. I would think that the best chance my child had to turn his life around would include having his family’s love and support. That does not mean I would approve of the behavior that sent him to prison, but that I believed in his ability to lead a happy, productive and law abiding life. Sending you both best wishes for a good outcome.</p>