<p>As disappointed as I might be if my child broke the law and was in prison. I would still communicate and visit. I know it would be uncomfortable at first but would not want to loose touch, at the end of the day they are still my child. </p>
<p>I have friends whose son committed a very horrific crime. I have watched for years as they have visited, written and saved money for him when he eventually gets out of prison. I have seen their love for their son put to the test, but they have become stronger as a family. </p>
<p>Fauxmaven- I have so much respect for how you are handling yourself. Do take care of yourself and keep the faith.</p>
<p>As others have said, it would depend on what my kid did. Who were the victims? </p>
<p>Using little kids to make a porn video and distributing it might be “non violent,” but I’d have a hard time forgiving it. If any of the little ones were people he had relationships with like a niece or nephew or children he taught in Sunday School, etc., I don’t think I could forgive.</p>
<p>I’m sure I could imagine other scenarios where I couldn’t as well.</p>
<p>So, for me, it would depend upon what he did–and whom he hurt doing it. I do think in MOST cases, I’d visit my child in prison. However, there are some circumstances in which I wouldn’t.</p>
<p>My child chose a grad school 3000 miles from home. I said one of the negatives will be that I can’t come and see you very often. If someone breaks the law and goes to jail then they can’t have people come and see them very often. Choices and consequences. How does that have anything to do with whether we love them or not?</p>
<p>I don’t know that it’s true that a “lot of us do not feel remorse.” The inability to feel remorse is associated with antisocial personality disorder, or sociopathy. If my child said that he didn’t feel remorse about X, I would want to know why as that is a big red flag with regard to re-offending. If my child said “I just do not feel remorse” as a general statement, that would literally cause my blood to run cold. A normal human being certainly is capable of feeling remorse for wrong doing or hurting others (not necessarily physically) and usually will at some point. Inability to feel remorse is a very scary character flaw and I disagree that it’s only someone’s actions, not their feelings which are important, at least as it relates to a child or someone close to me.</p>
<p>And finally–one of the things I told Fauxmaven was that my brother said jail for him was boring and easy. He was told when to get up, when to go to bed, when and what to eat etc. He said there were no decisions to be made and you basically hung out and watched tv all day. We hear about all the bad stuff that happens but he said if you kept a low profile and didn’t start any fights you were generally left alone. I understand that was his experience only (at least as far as he told me).</p>
<p>FM, I worry about the toll this is taking on your mental and physical health. I remember leaving the kids at babysitters and the kids would cling and cry and I would feel guilt for leaving them. Come to find out the kids stopped crying after 10 seconds and enjoyed the time playing, eating, napping etc.</p>
<p>May I gently suggest that you take up a new hobby, vacation with your family and live your best life. Write to your son and let him know that work is going well, sibs are doing xyz at school, your dad and I are going to the beach over Memorial Day. Then sign off saying I love you very much, hope you are well and hope you are using this time away productively.</p>
<p>The extent of my standing by his side would definitely depend on the crime; in fauxmaven’s case her son has seen his mother’s worry, fear, sadness and tears over a long period of time nevertheless his relatively recent comment is that he is sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he did; this would, I think, destroy a lot of my unconditional love. I hope I never have to find out what I might do.</p>
<p>I would be there for my child. I may have diffculty accepting what they did, and may ot but I would alwas be therefor my kids. I am a no nonsense mom. herefre ther would be no excuses, enabling. However, itwould give me pause if they did not feel sorry for hurting someone. I think in thesecircumstances a kid needs their family.</p>
<p>I couldn’t turn my back on my child. I just could not do it. I might strongly disapprove of his actions and choices, but I could not ignore him. I would stay in touch as much as possible and let him know that he is loved, cared about and prayed for.</p>
<p>Stay strong, Fauxmaven. Many of us are holding you and your S in our thoughts and prayers. </p>
<p>My son is my son and always will be, no matter what. I could never turn away from him in any circumstances, no matter how much I disapproved of whatever it was, and no matter how disappointed I was in him.</p>
<p>Why don’t we combine all of similar threads on this topic? I am sure this is a very difficult situation for OP, I hope she is getting support IRL and seeking professional counseling to help her through this ordeal. But I do wonder if this is the best place for her to get the necessary support. I wish OP and her son the best.</p>
<p>Fauxmom, I think that your relationship with your son in jail will just naturally evolve. I would try not to think about this philosophically, but visit him and see how you feel after and how he feels after each visit. I don’t think we have nearly as much control as we would like. You have said previously that your son is loving. I would try to have faith that things will work out for him in the long run. No matter what, he will change and grow and mature in prison. I agree with everyone else that suggests you receive some professional counseling. Although you may need to try a few, I am sure that you could benefit from professional support. I am sure that this situation has you questioning everything. Like I said, despite our best efforts, sometimes things are beyond our control. I hope you will continue to post here. I admire your desire to do the right thing by your son and your family. Take care!</p>
<p>another Mom who would continue to be an involved and loving parent, and as others have said quite eloquently, I would clearly disapprove of his behavior/choices, but still accept and love the person he is. I would also share my distress if he was still not recognizing that what he did was wrong…that would be part of a genuine relationship, with the complexity that comes with one. </p>
<p>How does your s treat you and the rest of your family? I would think this would be a key factor in being able to continue a close relationship.</p>
<p>I have a brother who spent some time in prison. I remember him commenting about how grateful he was that his family kept in contact with him as he knew of many guys whose families had ceased contact. I remember my mother, who died while my brother was in prison, saying that we never know what those men had put their families through along the way.My brother had put my mother through quite a lot as well, and before his prison time, I was reluctant to have him visit my home because of what he was involved with.</p>
<p>However, my brother is now out of prison and clean and working. He turned the corner. I like to think that our love and support made a bit of difference.</p>