<p>would you have any objections?
It’s just that my friend’s parents seemed to be the most tolerant, liberal people,up until their daughter decided to marry a guy from Syria and go there for the honeymoon.</p>
<p>Perhaps laws like this are a concern
From the US consul site</p>
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<a href=“404 - Page Not Found”>404 - Page Not Found;
<p>That’s messed up.</p>
<p>Both posts one and two.</p>
<p>I would have no problem who my (future) kids marry, as long as it was to a good person. If I doubt my kid’s wellbeing though, I wouldn’t stand for it for a second.</p>
<p>Is he actually Syrian (as in, does not hold American citizenship, but Syrian citizenship) or is he of Syrian descent? Although US citizenship law goes by the law of the other country regarding dual citizenship, many countries do not allow it. I do not know about Syria but it seems he could only invoke this Syrian law if he holds Syrian citizenship. Also is he is generally Americanized and has been raised in America, he is probably not all that likely to invoke such a thing but I suppose you have to go on a case by case basis. </p>
<p>I would not care what the religion or race was as long as they were not a harmful person. Perhaps in this case the problem is not that he is middle Eastern, but that they have observed troubling behavior. If you know this is not the case, then I do not know. Some people are generally tolerant but may draw a line or still envision their children will marry a Caucasian and have grandchildren that look like them. The class on race relations at governor’s school was so-named “Just don’t bring one home”. But perhaps they know something you don’t know. There is probably a polite way to approach the subject with them that may bring more insight. perhaps “I have noticed that you seem to have serious concerns about X. I thought he seemed okay but since I am also concerned for Y’s well-being, I was wondering if you know something I do not.”</p>
<p>The thing that scares some parents of daughters is not the religion, per se, but
a concern that once there are children, if the man takes them back to his home
country or grandparents there, the family can keep them in that country. And she won’t have the rights to bring her own children back to the U.S.
So it’s apparently possible to find, many years down the road, if he goes back to wanting a traditional upbringing for his children or doesn’t like to raise them in the U.S., he can take them for a visit to grandma and she won’t be able to get them out of the country again.
That’s the fear and it’s based on actual experiences, too, plus it’s been in newspapers etc.
If I were a parent that would be my problem, more than being intolerant of his religion. I’d be afraid that in the future, if he became more traditional in his focus or goals for his family (which happens to some people once children are born), that she’d lose her children to his country, where they’d be raised by
her mother-in-law very traditionally to make the dad happy.
This has nothing to do with how much they love each other today, or how
nice a person he is, or his faith.</p>
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<p>The parents’ reaction is objectively justified, for many reasons.
I assume that they also want “the most tolerant, liberal”, enlightened environment possible for their daughter. The likelihood of that happening is much different with a random guy from Syria than a random guy from the USA, and even more different if she moves to Syria.</p>
<p>I would be concerned about my (hypothetical) daughter going to Syria!</p>
<p>I’m reading Inside the Kingdom by Carmen Bin Ladin. There are places in the middle east with incredibly harsh and restrictive laws and practices. I don’t know about Syria, but there are places I’d be concerned about, especially for a woman.</p>
<p>Our kids know that they can marry anyone of any race/nationality/religion/color etc. and we would welcome their spouse into our home. Happiness is elusive, and if anyone is so lucky to find it, they should take it. We have a few friends happily married to Muslims.</p>
<p>Are these parents objecting to the marriage or the location of the honeymoon? It seems from the brief OP that the objection is to him being Muslim.</p>
<p>I would be more concerned about the trip to Syria. I would probably strongly object to my D going there with a Syrian husband.</p>
<p>Have you seen “Not Without My Daughter” with Sally Field. It’s the true story, one of many I’m sure, of a loving marriage to a Muslim man totally deteriorating once they are on his home turf, and her struggle to get her daughter out of an Arab country.</p>
<p>(I’m just a kid, but - )</p>
<p>All speculations about this guy becoming a fanatic and trapping the wife or their kids in a conservative, dangerous society forever and ever (Yeah, that does sound a little racist; how many white, Christian guys seem great at first - into they move in together after they marry, and he beats his wife in front of their children?):</p>
<p>I wouldn’t think Syria, or any other place in that area of the world, is particularly safe for anyone, especially not women, and especially not Western women. I would wonder why the husband would want to put her in such a dangerous position.</p>
<p>This is what people are afraid of. Watch the whole video- it was on NBC yesterday and is very compelling <a href=“http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?f=00&g=b8148749-cbd0-437a-94bf-431905271f97&p=hotvideo_m_edpicks&t=m5&rf=http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/12065856/&fg=[/url]”>http://video.msn.com/v/us/msnbc.htm?f=00&g=b8148749-cbd0-437a-94bf-431905271f97&p=hotvideo_m_edpicks&t=m5&rf=http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/12065856/&fg=</a></p>
<p>“out of an Arab country.”</p>
<p>Well, a Muslim country, not an Arab one. But your point stands. My family has known a couple of American women who married modern, liberal, loving Muslim graduate students who later lost their minds and decided to live traditional lives back home…leading to horrendous international custody crises.</p>
<p>If I had a daughter, there are some places I would never want her to move for any reason. I’m not sure if Syria would be one of them but Iran and Saudi Arabia definitely would-- women in Saudi Arabia can’t even get medical treatment without the consent of a male relative.</p>
<p>EDIT: Yes, Syria makes the list, for human rights abuse.</p>
<p>A couple of stories from my own family. My sister dated a fellow university student from a ME country. When he finished his studies, his government called him back home to head a new scientific program. My sister hesitated about marrying him and following him back to his country (I wasn’t around at the time). My siblings argued against it, worried that, in his country, she would not have a support system to deal with cultural differences or potential family conflicts. She ended up not marrying him.</p>
<p>Niece (daughter of a different sibling), who had grown a somewhat rebellious teenager with pink hair, married an African immigrant she met at university. At the time of the marriage, he was secular. A few years later, he re-discovered his Muslim identity and persuaded niece to convert. She now wears a chador, and we have not see her hair since. In fact, the family hardly ever sees them as husband objects to marking Christian religious holidays. Unfortunately, these are the days that people have off and can get together. Otherwise, the husband is very sweet. They live in France.</p>
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<p>Fortunately, most people do not choose their spouses at random.</p>
<p>This is what is hard for people in their 20’s to “get” but that parents know:
during the college and grad school years, it is natural and appropriate for students to want to venture halfway around worlds, to expand their minds and horizons, gain opportunities and experiences. We Westerners are ourselves advernturers and restless in spirit, or our ancestors wouldn’t have come to this land many years ago. So we admire each other and fall in love. This is so normal and natural.</p>
<p>What is also normal and natural is that marriage and children, plus the financial responsibilities of moving into careers at age 30+, cause the majority-- (oh don’t come flaming at me with stories of exceptions, I did just say “majority” 
– of young parents turn back to the models upon which they were raised, that made them happy and successful,that offered emotional support. Said differently, most tend to become more conservative and return to the more traditional family values that nurtured them. It is natural and even healthy because it protects the family unit.</p>
<p>The same man who laughs generously at his old-fashioned family’s foibles when he’s 25 might be trying to reinstate them when he’s 35 and wants to see his children raised “right” as he was (he likes himself).</p>
<p>Visits to grandparents include much pressure from the man’s extended family
about the nasty ways American kids are raised with so much freedom, “backtalk” as it is seen (what we think is “cute” is received as disrespect).<br>
The freedom of association enjoyed and described by middle school American granddaughters (even if clothing is modest on these visits, out of respect to the home country) alarms the extended family. Once the man is convinced that he is doing his own kids harm to allow them our free-range American upbringing (which he didn’t have, remember…), he can begin to “lean” on his wife to start doing things differently. That is where the pressure and conflict often begins, between a couple who loved each other dearly in their 20’s. And because they love each other, she’ll bend to his ways and reshape the family culture, even convert, whatever, to please him more.</p>
<p>Part of the problem in many Muslim countries is that the men do have all the political, social power to decide the location of the family. The government laws support this, hence these fierce custody battles.</p>
<p>In Arab countries (notice by my wording that I DO get that “Muslim” does not equal “Arab”) there is no democracy, but despotic dictatorship. To criticize or protest laws you don’t like, to lobby for changing them (as we do now re: abortion), is a Western upbringing, not the upbringing in an Arab land. So do not expect to win in court. If you hear about “elections” for example in Egypt, understand: there is only ONE candidate. So yes, you can vote or not vote. Is that being “free”? It’s not democracy the way you or I understand it. </p>
<p>Syria is both Muslim and Arab ruled. Its unelected “president” (son of the previous dictator/president) permits the selling of arms from Iran through his own country into terror cells living in southern Lebanon (foreign to the Lebanese themselves) in order to drop missiles on the Israelis. Do you read your newspapers or websites? Within the past month, our own Secretary of State COndoleeza Rice recently sat down to meet with the President of Syria to say that he had to “participate” in the settling down of tensions in the region. This is code for: stop giving money to Iran, stop undermining the Lebanese stability (Syria basically wants to weaken Lebanon to take it back over, as it used to be theirs). I did not see pictures of these two leaders hugging or shaking hands either. Time will tell if the pres of Syria “listened” or not. </p>
<p>You are not talking about a Western-friendly country here.</p>
<p>OP, you might need to sharpen up your own knowledge of world events to see why your friend’s parents are very concerned. For example, your thread begins about "would you be upset if child married a <em>muslim</em> " and there are
all kinds of Muslims, all over the world who are not from Arab countries.
Syria is both Muslim and Arab. Syria is a dictatorship. Syria is aligned with Iran and very scary at the moment. It is possible we could be at war with Syria or Iran, I surely hope not, but it is not a friendly country to Americans. </p>
<p>You are raised free, so you can’t imagine the Syrian man being unsafe walking around neighborhoods in America, but the American woman could be unsafe and hated walking around Syrian neighborhoods because she’s an American.
It could be DANGEROUS for her someday. If she couldn’t visit the country of her inlaws, that’s a heartache for a family, don’t you think?</p>
<p>It’s hard enough to keep a marriage together in America with a 50% divorce rate. How much harder with all of these cultural, politcal pressures. It is not the fault of the couple. It’s a “West Side Story”, a “Romeo and Juliet” story of two people from different cultures falling in love.</p>
<p>But the parents are looking further down the road, knowing what normally happens to couples who become more conservative as kids are born, fearing for the daughter’s future over things the couple cannot control such as the future of wars in the Middle East. </p>
<p>You ASKED why liberal parents “might” be upset about a Syrian son-in-law today and I’m telling you honestly from a parent’s perspective.</p>
<p>The sad thing is, that guy might be the smartest, nicest, handsomest person in the world. Still, the parents should be respected for their feelings. BOTH sets of parents, his and hers. The odds are truly against this marriage.</p>
<p>I had a friend in grad school who was dating a grad student (in another dept) from Morocco. He was a delightful, sweet, gentle guy. He’d gotten a job offer at a major U up north, and they got married while he was finishing his Ph.D. Well, lo and behold, there was some snafoo with his student visa, and they said he had to come home for the summer and then get a new work visa to return to the US. Well, they went to Morocco. At some point he was told they required him to work over there for 2 years before they’d give him whatever papers he needed to get back to the states. In addition, once they got over there, his behavior and personality changed radically (possibly under pressure from friends and family there), and she became controlled, harassed (she had blond hair and blue eyes) and was perfectly miserable. Fortunately there were no kids involved, and she was able to get out of there and get a divorce. But unfortunately this happens all too often.</p>
<p>I would be concerned if my daughter was marrying a Muslim or a born-again, evangelical Christian or anyone who believed that woman were secondary to men. I’m not saying I would try to stop her, I’m just saying I would be concerned.</p>
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<p>This is slowly, slowly, changing, along with better rights for women. Very slowly, and under duress.</p>
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<p>A point of clarification-- do you equate born-again evangelical Christians with believing women are secondary to men? Because I really don’t see that as an issue as much as in <em>some</em> Muslim cultures-- and even there, it is much, much more complicated than believing women are secondary to men.</p>
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<p>You forgot to quote the rest of the sentence: “…and even more different if she moves to Syria.” No matter how nice the spouse, he comes attached to some people and things that one has no random or unrandom choice about, such as extended family and home country environment.</p>
<p>Choice of spouse is quite random in many respects. One selects a mate without full information. You can’t really know all relevant aspects of background and worldview in a spouse, or predict childraising behavior, at the time of mate selection. You can only discover these things over time (keywords: divorce, adultery, misery). There are indeed many unknowns there that are effectively random, and the random part is chosen from a different distribution for Syrians than for Americans.</p>