<p>I am wrestling with a dilemma. My D didn’t like really any of the presents she received for Christmas so they all need to be returned. </p>
<p>I thought I did a pretty good job picking out things that I thought she would like. She did fly in so I bought things that she could put in her carry on. I got her a longchamp bag which she has coveted for a long time. She liked it but she felt it was extravagant so I got her a rolling bag for half the cost of the longchamp bag.</p>
<p>I torn about what to do. The other stuff (a cashmere sweater, yoga pants, work out shirts and some other small things) all have to go back. Do I return it and send her the money. Or do I just keep the money and be done with it.</p>
<p>I guess my feelings are hurt. If she doesn’t like the stuff I bought too bad. You don’t get anything. The only things she kept were a bracelet which I know she didn’t like but I bought it on vacation and it can’t be returned and a nook her brother gave her. An aunt gave her a board game and she likes games but apparently not that one because it wasn’t even in the pile to send to her. </p>
<p>Just feeling a little put out. She has wanted a longchamp bag for a long time but I couldn’t afford it and now that I can she doesn’t want one.</p>
<p>I guess I’m wondering why it’s your problem if she doesn’t like them? If she doesn’t like them, then it’s her decision whether she wants to keep them, or for HER to run around and return / exchange them. You shouldn’t have to do it.</p>
<p>I think the bigger thing is … Your feelings are hurt. Maybe you can explain to her calmly that you put a lot of effort into picking out these gifts. While she doesn’t have to love them, you would really appreciate it if she would at least act as though she likes them, and then quietly go exchange them on her own time. I’m sensing that she’s vocal about not liking it, which IS hurtful. It’s one thing to express thanks and then say, “to be honest, mom, would you be offended if I exchanged the red sweater for a blue one?” It’s another thing to be really vocal about it.</p>
<p>I would be real tempted to return the things and give her a check for $200 or smaller and be done with it. I can’t imagine my children being that ungrateful. I would have a hard time buying gifts for them in the future. What a way to take the joy out of the season. Seriously, she didn’t like anything?</p>
<p>As you can tell, I would be more than a little put out.</p>
<p>Y’know, I hate getting presents I don’t like . . . especially if they’re from someone I’m close to, 'cause it’s hard to hide the fact that I never wear/use whatever it is. Frankly, I guess I’d appreciate her honesty, and I’d ask if there’s anything special that she would like . . . for next time. No, you don’t go out and buy it for her right now, and you don’t give her the money from the things you’re returning. If you’re the one doing the returns, then you keep the money.</p>
<p>Look at it this way, she clearly didn’t fly home for the loot - there wasn’t anything she wanted. She flew home to spend the holidays with you . . . and that’s a lot more important than any presents! Maybe next time, the two of you could spend a day shopping together, and then you’d know that you’re getting her something she likes. In the meantime, save the money . . . and don’t worry about it too much.</p>
<p>I’m sorry deb, no wonder you feel bad. I agree with Pizzagurl that you should explain to her how you feel.</p>
<p>I’ve had this come up with my younger kids, I’ve needed to reinforce how to be gracious about gifts on a couple of occasions.</p>
<p>I think she should have graciously accepted the workout clothes and sweater - she could have always exchanged them with a friend or donated them and not hurt your feelings. Exchanging the tote for one she wanted, I think she was right to ask to exchange it.</p>
<p>In the future I would probably stick to gift cards- that way she can get what she wants. Or you could bring her out shopping and let her choose. Also, stick to gifts that are less subjective to style differences. </p>
<p>My older D asked for a new pocketbook and wallet. I would never in a million years buy those for her unless she sent me a link to what she specifically wanted. We went
out after Christmas together for that</p>
<p>With one of my kids – whose birthday is a few weeks before Christmas – he’s taken to sending me an email with links to the things he wants. While I feel a bit like an order form or a bridal registry, at least I know he’s getting what he wants. He is very particular about what he wears, and he and I both know that my “guessing” just doesn’t work.</p>
<p>I’m returning the stuff because for her to do it I would have to send it to her and then she would have to drive over an hour. Which she wouldn’t get around to doing and that would drive me crazy so I am going to return. I also got my S some stuff which didn’t fit and has to be returned so I am going to the mall anyways.</p>
<p>I do agree and I hate getting gifts that no one will use. I hate having crap around my house with no use for it. My SIL does that and it bothers me.</p>
<p>I guess it’s my D’s problem. I’ll return it and keep the money. May buy myself a new sweater. </p>
<p>The problem I know is that D has an apartment and needs things for it. But I was trying to buy things she could fly back with. I usually never buy anything unless I know exactly what she wants. My MIL bought her new knives but now I have a pile of stuff which didn’t or couldn’t be flown back and now I have to send a box of stuff anyways. Which I was trying to avoid.</p>
<p>I am sorry you feel bad and understand it. I also agree with dodgers I - I hate getting gifts I don’t like and have a hard time hiding it AND addressing it. I’d really rather not get gifts-weird, I know. </p>
<p>I find as my kids get older it can be a little harder to get that “wow” gift or that. “Wow” moment under the tree. At the same time I would rather they tell me then let the gift go unused. It is difficult that she seemed to like nothing. </p>
<p>This is why I advocate attaching gift receipts to gifts - it’s too hard and awkward asking for the receipt or being asked for the receipt. I also feel that it should not be your job to do all the returning if at all possible. But sounds like its too late for that now.</p>
<p>I think I would send a check for something- doesn’t have to be the full amount you spent. And include a note sharing some of your feelings - might be food for thought for her when she reads it.</p>
<p>Deb, you can send all of the presents my way and I will be entirely grateful, lol! I just got two pairs of yoga pants for christmas :)</p>
<p>Every year i get something that I don’t like either but you just deal with it. It may get gifted to charity, it might get given to a friend, or it might be in my closet forever. You don’t try to hurt someones feelings. I’d return them and keep the money.</p>
<p>I really like my new keyboard for iPad, gift from son. He really likes his new iPhone5, but I let him order it himself, with my credit card. Other than that gift, I received nothing that I will use. I put gift certificates in my gifts, and chose stores local to the family.</p>
<p>My mom couldn’t buy me clothes, but we had great time shopping together. My Aunt bought me clothes in olive and orange, her colors, but my worst. Finally, I asked her if she would give me money to I could purchase a certain book. That became our tradition. She’d send me $25, and I’d write/call her about how much I loved the _________. Worked out well for both of us.</p>
<p>If I was the OP, I would stop trying so hard. Maybe I’d get some PJs or sox. Since DD wants household supplies, I’d shop at local BBB or WM-Sonoma, and have her chose things to be picked up at local store. Actually, they offered free shipping over $50.</p>
<p>Your gifts–cashmere sweater, yoga pants–sound great to me. You could send them to me, and I’d send a very nice thank you note. (smiley face here)</p>
<p>My kids used to not tell me when they didn’t like a gift, then I would get upset when they never wore them. It took a long time for them to be comfortable with it. Now, I save receipts and remind them not to take off tags until they are certain it fits, they like it, etc. they have fun shopping and exchanging for something they like better. And one picky child gets more gift cards than stuff, since I’m almost certain to fail with her!</p>
<p>I think it’s just hard and I always want it to be a picture perfect Christmas and this year it was far from that. I’m probably feeling sorry for myself and after Christmas blues.</p>
<p>At least she told me and didn’t keep stuff she knew she didn’t want because she knows I don’t like that. If you don’t like it, return it. As I said my SIL does that. My MIL buys stuff and then finds it in the Goodwill bag. My MIL always includes the gift receipt so there isn’t that excuse, my SIL won’t get around to returning things and it drives MIL nuts. Me too. That’s why I give her kids money and nothing else. This year I did give my nephews and nieces gift cards which they probably won’t get around to using either.</p>
<p>Our family does wish lists…the grown up version of a letter to Santa. Everyone knows they will get one thing from their list. Our kids have become more specific about what they want or need. One of our kids lives far away, and we actually wrap gifts in fixed rate priority mail boxes. If it won’t fit into his suitcase, it gets mailed.</p>
<p>When our kids were little, they wrote letters to Santa or we eavesdropped when they were telling him what they wanted. </p>
<p>Deb…I’m with PM. The gift exchange issue isn’t yours, it’s your daughter’s. If she exchanged herself, then SHE could have chosen the replacement gifts.</p>
<p>Ask her to start a Pintrist, and to make sure she keeps it up (takes off things she no longer wants). Then you can look there and buy things she has “pinned”. Or switch to gift cards. Or take her shopping after the holidays (we all went yesterday, and got fantastic deals on clothes, boots, etc. – and my Ds got stuff they actually want and will wear). For Christmas I had wrapped a picture of a Vera Wang bag my D had admired, but I didn’t know for sure which pattern or even size she would want. We went to the store to pick it out yesterday, and she got on the plane with it this morning.</p>
<p>My mom is one who MUST buy gifts (can’t move to gift cards or letting them pick something, and does not take suggestions when they are offered). My D2 got 2 wristwatches from her and an expensive coat, and wants neither (can’t blame her, picked by an 84 year old woman…). D1 got two (!) aprons… does not want/need any aprons. We have spent a ton of time debating whether to tell her every year, or just send the stuff on to Goodwill. I sure don’t want to become that mom/grandma. It makes Christmas stressful for us, and ultimately for her if we tell her.</p>
<p>I feel like unwanted gifts are one of the ways we all accumulate “stuff” in our lives that we neither want nor need. I have decided that I want my kids to get what they want and/or need, not what I want/need them to have. If I were you I would return the stuff, buy her a gift card to someplace you KNOW she will like (or a couple of places if you want to split the money), and send that to her with a note telling her that you love her. :)</p>
<p>I feel for you, deb922 and I would be hurt as well. A lot of people have given up on buying gifts and have defaulted to giving gift cards. Retailers love this because an amazing number of them are never redeemed which creates a huge windfall for them and for this reason, I just hate buying them.</p>
<p>I personally feel that by the time someone is college age, they need to have developed the social skills not to hurt the feelings of someone who has made the effort to buy them nice gifts whether they like them or not. If I were you, I’d cut back on the gifts for this daughter in the future and always, always include a gift receipt. After that, ignore what happens; it’s her job to do the exchanging, not yours.</p>
<p>It is hard as they get older and have such individual tastes that may change from year to year, or even more often. I think what’s so disappointing in this case is that literally nothing was appreciated- not even the time and effort you put in selecting things. This would hurt my feelings, too. I mean, you don’t expect a home-run, but nothing??</p>
<p>For as long as I can remember, I ask my kids for a list of needs and wants at Thanksgiving. I hate the feeling you are experiencing, so for my benefit, I ask. Dd gives me a decorated, detailed list every year and obviously has fun with it. Consequently, I have pretty good luck with her. Things are still a surprise because she doesn’t know what I’ll choose, and I usually throw in something completely unexpected (and returnable) as well. My son is harder- he doesn’t make a list even though I still request, but just says “I need work clothes,” or “I really don’t need stuff. I’d rather just have cash.” It’s very annoying! But we try to respect his minimalist way of being, (which I sort of admire, anyway) and get him gasoline cards, money for specific things, (this year we wrapped up and old boot with a check inside for new hiking boots) along with some practical things like shirts and socks, which are boring, but expensive and needed. </p>
<p>Your Dd may have grown and changed and is moving away from some of her previous tastes. I think what would bother me is not that she didn’t like the stuff, but she didn’t show enough sensitivity in dealing with your feelings, as you went to a lot of trouble. It sounds like she was a bit dismissive. Even just an, “I think you picked some really cool stuff, mom, and I appreciate it, but I guess my tastes have changed. I’m sorry,” would be helpful and go a long way in softening your disappointment. Sometimes our kids forget we’re people and have feelings, too, and need a reminder.</p>
<p>Gift-giving can be very tough. On the one hand, we’d like to think what we’ve chosen for the recipient will be well-received, enjoyed and used. On the other hand, I know I don’t want my money going to waste. I make it very clear when gift-giving that I would rather something be exchanged or returned than have it go unused. </p>
<p>DH and I lucked out this year. DD couldn’t think of a single thing she wanted, but DH and I came up with a list of items we thought she would definitely use and enjoy. She was thrilled with all of her gifts, but did exchange two of her stocking stuffers … a pair of sweater tights and gloves. </p>
<p>Sadly, as I tried to tell her in the best possible way, I know I hurt my sister’s feelings this year. DH and I were out celebrating our wedding anniversary in early December and my sister, who was in town visiting, texted to say she’d left a wreath on our front porch. When we got home, we found what was one of the ugliest things I’ve ever seen. This “wreath” is made of that poly deco mesh stuff and it is truly hideous. I called her to thank her for it (the thought is what counts) and when she asked what I thought of it, I hoped she was punking me. I told her it was colorful, fancy and interesting. I was so hoping she would burst out laughing and tell me it was a big joke, but she didn’t. When she recently asked me if we had hung the wreath, I was honest and told her we had not. I tried to tell her as gently as possible that we just don’t share the same taste for those type of items. I suggested she take it for herself, but she said she’d bought one already for her house as well as one for our parents and my brother and his wife. She knows that I am a frequent giver to Goodwill so she asked me not to give it away. We agreed that I would give it back to her and she’ll share it with someone who will appreciate it.</p>
<p>While I guess I would rather get something I like than dislike, I don’t “hate it” when I get a gift I don’t like, particularly if I sense the person put a lot of thought and effort into it. I find it very touching and sweet when someone goes to the trouble to try to please me, so unless it’s something really horrible that I would be humiliated to wear, I usually try to be happy with it.</p>
<p>I did once receive a sweatshirt lovingly made for me which had an actual fake bird sewn to it-I don’t mean the image of a bird, an actual bird. I knew I ought to go ahead and wear it (to my engagement party no less), but I just couldn’t do it-those pictures would survive to eternity and I could just not deal with decades of being the funny story everyone tells. Sorry MIL-love you, though! :o</p>
<p>It’s very tough when kids grow up and move away only to develop their own tastes, their own style and their own needs. It is a sign of maturity. If giving gifts to her hurts your feelings, it’s time for the annual envelope full of cash.</p>
But we try to respect his minimalist way of being, (which I sort of admire, anyway) and get him gasoline cards, money for specific things, (this year we wrapped up and old boot with a check inside for new hiking boots) along with some practical things like shirts and socks, which are boring, but expensive and needed. </p>