<p>D2 wanted a particular color/style of Frye boots this year. I really thought it was a bad color because it was a trendy color which would go out of style very fast, so I kind of browbeaten her to get the pair I liked. I told her that she could return them if she didn’t like them. There was a lot of anxiety (on both of us) before she opened the box. Yeah, I was really relieved when she said that she loved them. Since then, she has seen the ones she liked on other people and is very happy with my choice. Funny thing is that I still remember my first pair of Frye boots. The difference is I had to save up for my boots.</p>
<p>I am not sure if I did as well for D1. But she did wear a blouse I gave her last week when she came over for dinner.</p>
<p>My D acted similarly during her high school years to the point that, one year, I didn’t shop for her at all! When she returned home (from boarding school) the two of us spent two days shopping for her. She was pleased with every single gift and didn’t mind at all that she already knew what was wrapped up. Each year I would have one or two surprises such as an ipod or other “guaranteed to please” item. One year, after her ipod was stolen and she never expected us to replace it, she cried when the last present hidden behind the tree was the newest generation ipod.</p>
<p>This year was the firs tthat she did not return home for Christmas. We asked her what she wanted and bought exactly that and had it shipped to her, gift-wrapped by the company. It was a very expensive item for her to buy, so she was thrilled. We sent a few other gifts that we knew she’d like, with the caveat that she could return them directly if she didn’t like them. She loved them all.</p>
<p>I might have told her “yes,” and hung the wreath in the laundry room or over the work bench in the garage. :)</p>
<p>The only person I can be honest with if I receive a gift I can’t use is my mom- and then, only sometimes. Over the years I’ve fibbed to my Dh, MIL, SIL, kids, aunts, best friends- I just can’t take the chance of hurting other people’s feelings. But with Mom? Not always so careful, I admit. I think our kids can forget we’re not extensions of them, just like we forget, sometimes, that they are not extensions of us.</p>
<p>BTW-our annual shopping trip became our tradition and we talked on the phone about how much we each missed it this year. We would shop till noon, have lunch, shop more till we dropped, stop at Starbucks for a caffiene blast, and surge onward! It was my favorite day of the year because of our girl talk!</p>
<p>When I was growing up, you kept a gift, even if you hated it and never used it. It would sit around for a while and then be donated somewhere. My ex-husband’s family regularly returned gifts. I was shocked at first that every gift came with a gift receipt. I became accustomed to their ways though. I still rarely return things, but now and then, I go ahead and do it. </p>
<p>My dad and his wife gave me a purse once that was much smaller than anything I could ever use. I knew it was from Hudson’s (dating myself) so I returned it there. I was shocked to find out that a Coach purse that was so tiny cost so much money! I bought a realistic purse for myself as well as gloves, a scarf, a hat and some pots and pans. <em>blink</em> Yeah, I’ve never bought designer stuff because I’m just not into it. Until that day, I had never heard of Coach.</p>
<p>Since my kids grew up with their dad’s family returning things left and right (especially their dad… he is the pickiest clothing person I’ve ever known), they also see nothing wrong with returning stuff. My D is very picky and she sends me links to things she likes. They are often things I can’t afford though! It gives me a good idea of her style though. This year, I bought her two pairs of boots… black and brown… from a store I know she likes. The black ones weren’t returnable so I made sure I liked them and offered to buy them off of her when they didn’t fit her. The brown ones didn’t fit and she returned them. She exchanged them for some cute pumps. She did love the bag I got for her, but she had sent me a link to it. I also gave each of my kids some cash. I know that’s what they really need. </p>
<p>I don’t get my feelings hurt when they don’t like what I’ve bought for them. I’d rather they return them than have the money wasted. I would send them the money or the store credit though.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t keep the money after returning the gifts. I would send a check for her to buy what she wants. </p>
<p>Of course, normally the recipient does the returning, but it sounds like that wouldn’t work in your case and you’ve chosen to do that yourself. </p>
<p>Unless my kids have specified something exactly what they want, we give them money and a few smaller things to open. I don’t care if they 'want" the small things or not. lol Those things are usually usable no matter what. It’s not that hard to come up with some small things that can be used at some point…a fragrance that you know that they wear, a gift card to a fav restaurant or store, a coffee mug of their fav team, etc.</p>
<p>(((HUGS))) to you, deb922. I, too, would be hurt and disappointed. </p>
<p>We also ask our kids for a wish list, but are not at all opposed to returns or exchanges. When my kids return something, they are welcome to choose something else or get a gift card/cash. D and I did returns/exchanges yesterday - mostly just colors and sizes. I just told S to make a little pile of returns/exchanges so he can take care of it before he returns to college. Our kids always make sure they appreciate gifts given by their grandmother and other relatives, even if it will be donated to a charity in the end. Grandmother now gives money and a small gift. Aunts and Uncles usually give cash/gift cards. </p>
<p>As a teacher, I get some pretty fun gifts. One little one gave me fuzzy socks early in December. Evidently others were watching and saw me enthusiastically thank this student. Guess who got six more pair of fuzzy socks? I loved every single pair.</p>
<p>My son would probably not tell me if he didn’t like his gifts. I had a couple of ideas and asked him ahead of time if he’d like them: a rug for his apartment and some portable chairs. He and his girlfriend liked the ideas. If I had bought them first before asking, that’s when he probably wouldn’t have told me. His girlfriend is so sweet, she wouldn’t have told me either. I figured it was better to ask because they might move around some at this point in their lives. A lot of stuff might not be ideal. For his stocking, I gave him a book I had read to him when he was a child and read to my Mom when she was ailing (The Long Winter, by Laura Ingalls Wilder), also some sweet treats. I knew he could leave the book here at home if he didn’t want to move it around and the treats he could eat or share with friends. I’m not guessing anymore!</p>
<p>I like Thumper’s wish list idea. I also don’t try to make the b/d or Hanukah/Xmas into the BIG day. I think it leads to lots of disappointments. </p>
<p>When the worm was younger, he needed a new bike before school began. I couldn’t wait a month for his b/d, but his actual b/d gifts were smaller. Going out to dinner with family and having a b/d party were stressed.</p>
<p>His big gift this year was a rug for his bedroom. He waited until I got to Cambridge, and we all went to a local store, then set it up in his room. (We let him chose, but his choice was clearly our favorite, tho he had his own reason).</p>
<p>Anyway, I just think there is far too much emphasis on one day of gift giving, and children and adults get feelings hurt. If I was the OP, I’d give dd a check or cash, and perhaps some small items. Maybe HrH could forward you some fuzzy socks.</p>
<p>Oldfort, what color Frye boots did you buy?</p>
<p>Deb: I sympathize with your D’s gift issues. I do not buy any clothing for my D unless she has OKed it first or specifically asked for it. For the last few years I take her shopping on Thanksgiving break or after Christmas and buy her clothes for her gifts. </p>
<p>I think you should return your D’s items and send her the $ so she can buy the clothes she prefers herself. Then next year don’t try so hard. Just cash or a check, maybe some small items like makeup or hand lotion to open. Or take her shopping if she is agreeable to it. </p>
<p>We can’t please them the way we did when they were little. It’s different now. Just as long as you do something nice for her for her gift in future, even though it is more on her terms now, then you have done enough. I have really come to enjoy the joint shopping trips with my D. She hates shopping so it’s helpful to have me there to assist her. Not as much fun as the Christmas presents of yesteryear, but still fun.</p>
<p>Next year request a wish list, then choose items from it that you would enjoy presenting and can afford. I have learned that I am much happier recieving gifts I have “wished” for rather than trying to muster up appreciation for something I don’t value. It is disappointing to both giver and receiver when that happens.</p>
<p>As for this year, return the unappreciated gifts and give your daughter some cash. Let it go… that is a part of unconditional love.</p>
<p>bookworm - I got the dark brown Dorado Polished Leather Riding Boot for her. She wanted lighter brown with buttons instead of buckles. I told her for something like Frye it is better to go with classic rather than trendy.</p>
<p>I am sorry your feelings were hurt… I do think she was being ungrateful and really even if she didn’t like things, she could have handled it differently. For future, I would just go with gift cards. We did a fun thing for my DS a few years ago… I got a small pocket sized photo album and filled it with gift cards for restaurants, gas cards, Target, fast food, Starbucks, etc. He keeps it in his car, and when he gets new gift cards he keeps them in his little book in his glove box. That way when he’s out running around, and wants a coffee or needs gas, he can just grab one of his cards. He loves it!</p>
<p>I think it is OK to have an honest discussion about how you feel with her. Particularly if she was a bit rude or unfeeling. Someone needs to tell her -she may not realize it.</p>
<p>My DD’s get very few surprises for Christmas. Most of it comes from Amazon and they have sent me a link. The few surprises they do get are inexpensive ones.
If they didn’t like something they got -they did not let me know.</p>
<p>I read on another discussion board someone else’s solution to this problem.
They kept an Amazon wish list going ALL the time. Anything they were interested in they put on the Amazon wish list all year long. There were so many things on there that there was no way they would get them all. So the husband would go to Amazon -pick a few things of the list and that way the recipient was still surprised.</p>
<p>We don’t celebrate Christmas so not in a position to be buying a bunch of things and hope that they will like… They do however put items in my Amazon shopping cart that they want or are in need of so I do see those when ordering other stuff. Older d in particular is fond of sending me clothes she wants to order from Anthropologie, shoes from Nordstrom or Zappo’s and you can put those on your shopping cart as well.</p>
<p>What surprises me is the luggage-she ASKED for this, and STILL didn’t want it, so along with her dislike of what sound like perfectly good gifts-how is it possible to dislike a cashmere sweater (??)-it sounds like she’s just being a pill. I know I was at that age and I don’t know how my mother didn’t kill me in my sleep. </p>
<p>In any case, I would return the items, but talk to the D about grace and gratefulness, and give gift cards ether from now on or until she comes around. Also, ask WHY she didn’t like the yoga pants or the sweater-I wouldn’t think most moms would be so out of touch about the kid’s color/style preferences.</p>
<p>I guess I’m either a good listener or observer, because I haven’t ever had this problem with my kids. I mentioned in the other ungrateful kid thread about wish lists, but that’s when they’re young. As they’ve gotten older I just observe and talk to them. My older D loved toggle coats as a little kid and was thrilled to see they’ve come back into fashion. So I got her one in her favorite color. I noticed that her fleece PJ pants were worn, so I got a new pair. My S couldn’t think of a thing he wanted, but had remarked that his GPS had died and it had been really useful for getting to new job sites. So I found a model on Amazon that was actually better than the one he’d had, for less than he’d spent. Last year he’d mentioned wanted to teach himself guitar, so I got one. It’s really not that hard, but if you have picky kids you’d have to dig deeper I guess.</p>
<p>How is it possible to dislike a cashmere sweater?
Easy…</p>
<p>In my little part of the world tastes and preferences are as varied as people. I would not be caught dead in a cashmere sweater. especially one bought by my mother!</p>
<p>I think that many of the conciliatory responses are missing the point that this girl rejected these gifts very unkindly and that her father is reinforcing the behavior by jumping through hoops to appease her.</p>
<p>Sorry but I think that the most important idea behind a gift is not that you only get exactly what you want; it’s that someone who knows and cares about you is trying to please you. Otherwise, you are just doing someone else’s shopping for them and it means exactly that. I know that not every gift is appropriate or useful but the recipient should always assume that the giver has acted out of an attempt to please and respond accordingly. Of course, gift receipts should always be included in case the giver wants to exchange them but that has absolutely no bearing on the spirit with which they are received.</p>
<p>We all need to remember that when we tolerate mean behavior toward us we are also teaching kids to treat others that way as well. This can really have a negative impact on future relationships with a spouse or inlaws.</p>
<p>Many, many years ago, I told my boys that it was okay not to love something bought for them as a gift…but that there was a graceful, kind way of doing so that included appreciation of the thought behind the gift and also appreciation for the giver.</p>
<p>It’s a lesson they have learned well.</p>
<p>Last year I bought my son a new winter jacket, the kind I thought he wanted. After opening it, he later took me aside to let me know that he knew it was expensive, and trendy…but not exactly what he had wanted…and that he felt it was too much $$$ just to settle, so could we go together to exchange it and have lunch together. We had a wonderful day together at the mall…and I learned that he did not like a certain kind of jacket collar because it irritates his neck. And that dark green is no longer his favorite color.</p>
<p>Exactly boysx3, there is nothing wrong with disliking someone else’s choice. But there is everything wrong with declining a gift without any thought to the givers feelings. I love going shopping with D after the holiday… gives me ideas for the next years returns!</p>
We asked her what she wanted and bought exactly that and had it shipped to her, gift-wrapped by the company. It was a very expensive item for her to buy, so she was thrilled. We sent a few other gifts that we knew she’d like, with the caveat that she could return them directly if she didn’t like them. She loved them all.</p>
I loved every single pair.</p>