<p>Joblue, are you confusing this thread with the one where the young lady said that if she didn’t “x”, she didn’t want anything at all and threw a tantrum about it, refusing all the gifts she did receive?</p>
<p>Both my kids know that if they really want something particular, ie- particular brand of yoga pants in a certain color, I need a link to exactly what they want. Although I mostly stick to their lists, I do throw in surprise gifts which they sometimes like, sometimes don’t. I wouldn’t take the dislike personally. I am sorry your feelings were hurt, but you don’t want the items to sit unused in her closet and she won’t return them. Letting you know she wouldn’t use them at least allows you to return them and use the money for something else. </p>
<p>I am in the camp of those who never return items I can’t or won’t use. I will either regift or donate. I hate shopping and hate the hassle of returns. Oh and both my kids know enough to always always graciously accept any gift received from others.</p>
<p>Ha… my D was wondering if my mom had “regifted” those two aprons she gave D for Christmas this year. And really, that is the problem with regifting. So often the next recipient also doesn’t want it… and they really have no way to return it. In this case, they are both heading for Goodwill.</p>
<p>I often “miss” when I gift. I am NOT generally hurt, but admit it IS tiring to do the shopping, wrapping, etc. It gives my kids & H joy to see gifts under the tree. They do exclaim over the gifts and generally find some of the things I gave that they DO want to keep while some don’t fit properly or are otherwise not to their taste. I respect that it’s hard for them or me to know what will fit properly and selection for some of the things I want to get them is very limited.</p>
<p>I purposely bought D 4 purses, hoping that one of them would work for her & returned one and will be returning the other 2 as well, since she only needs the one purse.</p>
<p>I am OK with returning gifts that I purchased that won’t work for S, D and H, as I prefer that the full value be refunded and it’s best done with the original receipt and credit card that was used in the purchase.</p>
<p>I consider myself the “personal shopper” in my family, because both kids & H find it extremely exhausting to shop and I prefer that they conserve their energy for better pursuits instead of wearing themselves out simply shopping. It’s a role I’m OK with–generally they do like most of the purchases but have a hard time fitting most things.</p>
<p>The major gift we’re giving all 4 of us is the iPhone 5 with unlimited data this year. That was something the kids really wanted and it will help all 4 of us keep in touch. Am expecting that H will get really good at the phone in his retirement. ;)</p>
<p>I did shop further & get H shirts that fit him better than the one he said he originally wanted (when he tried it on AFTER I bought him several, he decided they didn’t fit him as well as they had in the store).</p>
<p>I admit I do selectively and carefully re-gift when it’s something I’m quite sure the new recipient will LOVE (otherwise I donate).</p>
<p>We will give the kids a little money but not bother matching the price of everything that we return that they were gifted with, since didn’t really expect them to keep ALL that they were given anyway.</p>
<p>First of all, I don’t see anything in OP’s original post about her D being ungrateful–she didn’t throw the gifts on the floor and storm off, she just expressed that she didn’t care for the gifts. If you can’t be honest with your own mother, who can you be honest with? In OP’s shoes, I’d be disappointed that I made a bad call, not miffed at my kid. And I’d rather have my kid tell me she didn’t like what she got than have the gifts go unused. We’re family, we can be frank with each other, and our feelings aren’t so fragile that we go around pouting over something so minor as a gift that wasn’t met with gushing enthusiasm.</p>
<p>“Suprise” gifts for adults, children or otherwise, strike me as kind of silly. How many commercials have we seen this season that involve someone opening a gift and having to hide their disappointment? I’m guessing that means it’s a common event, and one that should be avoided. When S was home the week before his birthday, I noticed his beloved shoes were a wreck, so we went online together and I ordered him a replacement pair from Zappos as his birthday gift. He was happy to get something he really needed and I was happy that he was happy. Much better way to go than my hunting around for something he might not want and then his having to pretend he likes it. </p>
<p>A recent poster asked for advice about a watch her husband had surprised her with, but which she hated. The virtually unanimous response was that she should be honest with him. (She was, and together they picked out an alternative.) Why should it be different with a grown child?</p>
<p>H did surprise D with an upgraded Wacom tablet–she had asked to borrow the basic one from her cousin because she had forgotten her basic tablet at school & wanted to use it over Christmas break. H bought her a MUCH better tablet than she previously had and she really liked it.</p>
<p>For some reason, my kids LIKE being surprised and we like them to have a happy Christmas. S liked many of the food items we gave him, but I guess the message that he’s VERY hard to buy clothes for was reinforced. D does better when we shop together than if I try to guess at her size as well, but for some reason both of them like getting “things” under the tree.</p>
<p>Hmm, MommaJ, maybe you are onto something. I think some people thrive on that “look of joy” on someone’s face when they get exactly the right present. And I think it was so much easier to achieve that when our kids were smaller. I knew exactly what would push their little buttons on Christmas morning when they were 6 or 10 or even 14. But it is much harder as they get older, especially when they are away at college. I felt like I was “guessing” in particular for D1 (age 23, living and working in a different city this year). I’d rather they either had a hint at what they were getting (because they told me exactly what they wanted), or give them the means to get what they want by giving a gift card (although I do like shopping with them, so that is a compromise) than strike out and have them try to tip-toe around the fact that they would prefer something other than what I got them.</p>
<p>If it’s all some kind of random gift card exchange…not sure I see the point. Maybe going shopping together could be fun. I was raised in the Christian tradition and don’t think Jesus suggested giving gifts, except maybe to the homeless. Is this an issue mods run in and shut down because they sometimes do that with me? I really think that gifts are lovely, but I don’t think they have much to do with religion. A gift to the local foodbank these days might be good.</p>
<p>I bought S2 a new jacket to replace the beloved one that seemed to have disappeared,searched the house for weeks…no go. The new one wasn’t the same brand as the old one but was a nice jacket with a great sale price. He was very polite and thanked me for it but I could tell he didn’t like it as much as the “lost” jacket. Over the weekend, we found the lost jacket so will be returning the new one for a refund.</p>
<p>He really needs a suitcase for work travel. We’ll go shopping together and buy one with the coat refund $.</p>
<p>I honestly am more frustrated when I buy expensive gifts for my kids and discover the gifts months later with the tag still attached. My kids have finally learned that I would much rather buy something they want than waste the money. </p>
<p>It is disappointing when you think a gift will be a real hit and the recipient isn’t thrilled. But as long as the recipient is gracious and polite the disappointment is more about the giver.</p>
<p>Every Christmas, I put gift receipts inside each package, so there’s no need for disappointment. We’ve cultivated the ability to seem pleased, even thrilled, with each gift - though we may well be thinking “this is going back” as we do. 
We then conveniently forget what we’ve given each other, so if I never see my husband wearing the clever slogan T-shirt I waded through 40 online pages to find, it’s okay.</p>
<p>We use birthdays and Christmas as the chance to help our kids expand their wardrobes, kitchen supplies, electronics, etc. I ask for a specific list, from which I choose items in our budget. Not many surprises, but I would rather my kids and other family members receive something they want or need instead of something that reminds me of them or that I think they’ll like. Works for us. Besides, I hate shopping.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone. You’ve given me lots to chew on. I think the problem is that I’m disappointed in myself. I should not give a 23 year old girl stuff I think she will like, I’m setting myself up. I know that and it’s not something I usually do. This D is very particular and I know that and love her in spite of herself lol! </p>
<p>She wasn’t ungrateful at all. In fact she didn’t want her father and I to spend money on things that she wasn’t sure she would use. I think that she did want a longchamp bag but when it presented itself she knew it was just too much money to justify. So we found luggage that she will use and needed desperately. </p>
<p>This year was different then it usually is. First, D flew in for a week and in that week we had company the entire time. She flew in right before Christmas and other years we would go and have a girls day shopping, picking out things that D really needed. This year there was no time to do anything. My company didn’t want to do a girls day, they have tons of shopping around them and have their children with them all the time. </p>
<p>It was disappointing in that MY immediate family did not get to do the traditional things that we do this year and I think that contributed to my funk.</p>
<p>Don’t be disappointed in yourself - give yourself a pat on the back for perhaps now realizing that you can/should do things differently last year. Maybe your D was disappointed that you didn’t get that “girls day”! </p>
<p>It can also be a rude awakening or an “aha!” moment when we realize that our kids have “graduated” from the child who we can buy gifts for so easily cause we think we know them so well to the young adult who has branched out on their own and developed new tastes and attitudes that we don’t fully know about. Is ok though - you can adjust your traditions/routines and make way for adjusted new ones! :)</p>
<p>Just as you pack away the holiday decorations, pack away your frustrated thoughts and disappointments with this past season and move forward. You have 11 months or so to decide how to tweak Christmas - not just the gift giving but the other traditions like “girls day” - so that you can all be satisfied.</p>
<p>I didn’t read all the replies but I don’t buy clothing for my kids. I learned that a LONG time ago. I get a list from the kids and get things from that list, along with a few things I think they may like. Sometimes it’s a hit, other times, not so much. If they want to return something, so what. I would rather they had something they could use vs having something sit in a closet. Really, our kids prefer gift cards so they do get a lot of those. They can shop after Christmas, get twice as much, if not more, than they could before Christmas and they get to have fun shopping. I don’t see a problem with that at all.</p>
<p>My MIL, a shopoholic, buys us a LOT of stuff we don’t want or need, all year round. Some of it is nice, but she also buys junk, including used clothes for my 21-year-old daughter. She spends thousands of dollars on these gifts. The Christmas tree is swimming in gifts. It’s overwhelming, especially since I didn’t grow up that way. My parents just give us a check, and a small, sentimental gift, like a momento. Money is always the right size and the right color. I learned long ago not to buy clothes for my D, and if I buy something for my husband, it has to be the same as something he already has and likes, like the same style of sweater. Otherwise, he will never wear it. Honestly, gift-giving gets nuts. You give your brother-in-law a gift card, and he gives you a gift card. When did Christmas get all about presents? I like Thanksgiving SO much better.</p>
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<p>tptshorty, my mom is like this when we go to their house for Christmas. Which is why we NEVER go for Christmas any more. She tones it down when she has to ship things (only 5 or so gifts per person instead of 20+). And as I mentioned above, she gets what she wants everyone to have, not what they actually want. That is a nightmare. 20 gifts each, maybe 2 of which we want/need. And usually no gift receipts in sight.</p>
<p>My sibling and I have it pretty well down. We tell each other what we want, and what the others in our family want. Gift cards are fine (Barnes & Noble for my kid with the nook, ITunes for my HS senior, movie theater card for the sister in law who loves to go to the movies). Cash for my nephew who needs some bow hunting thing at the local store (note to tell him what it is for, although of course he is free to spend it on pizza & beer if he chooses). A gadget my brother specifically ask for. Painless, and everyone got something they wanted.</p>
<p>We’ve discovered that a way to recapture the “look of joy” is with inexpensive but funny gifts (i.e., the bottle of bacon-flavored syrup I got this year). The “real” gifts are negotiated.</p>
<p>I haven’t purchased a holiday gift for my D (only child, now 24) in about 10 years. Instead, throughout the year I pay close attention and have surprised her with “things” (including money) that she has needed, or maybe even pined for. For example, in October she was moving to London from NYC, and I knew she’d been schlepping around the one same carry on piece of luggage for the last 6 years. So I asked her in conversation what she planned to take with her. She said she was going thrift-storing to look for other pieces. Voila! I went online and found some nice mid-priced 4 piece luggage. I sent her an e-mail with several that I thought she might like, and asked her to pick. She was delighted, got to pick what she felt was best for her, and I got to purchase something for her she needed, as well as liked. When it arrived she called and I said, “Happy Hanukkah!” - she laughed (it was September) but understood. I am trying to save up to go see her in London this spring, should I get there, I will say “Happy Birthday!” even though it’s not until June, but she’ll understand, and we will have a great “birthday” together, even if it’s March.</p>
<p>I think this is one of my favorite parts of her becoming an adult! :)</p>
<p>DH & I are bad - years ago our three daughters started selecting most of their own gifts. They go Black Friday shopping, bring it home and say “This is from Santa.” I can’t pick out what they like and they are great bargain shoppers, so it works for us. They even joke “Oh, what a surprise!” on Christmas morning. There are usually a couple of small things they don’t know about, but the surprise gifts are from each other and relatives, most of whom give them money anyway. </p>
<p>I hate buying stuff that won’t be used and would rather they return any misses on my part.</p>
<p>2016BarnardMom, yes you are right. I did confuse this thread with the other situation where the girl was terribly rude. My apologies, OP. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt that your daughter didn’t care for the gifts you bought.</p>