<p>I love to find/buy those unexpected, “look-of-joy” presents - but it can be so exhausting and frustrating. One year I took all of DD’s old emo-band tee shirts and had a quilt made out of them (a definite hit!). Other years I have just watched and listened carefully to her and then bought accordingly. It’s so much harder when they get older (honestly, why can’t they just play with the boxes like they did when they were toddlers?) This year it was work clothes and work-related accesories - maybe I was just lucky with the styles and colors, but she seemd to like them.</p>
<p>It’s probably just me, but I’m not a big fan of gift cards. Sure, they beat fruitcakes or Chia pets, but sometimes it seems like you’re just shuffling gift cards with your family/friends. In fact, this year my siblings and I decided not to exchange gifts because that’s ALL we were doing - swapping gift cards with one another. What’s the point of that? I’ll keep my money and you keep your money…</p>
<p>Deb, I know how you feel. My Christmas this year was way different than most and it left me feeling a little funky too.</p>
<p>Unless you solicited an honest reaction, openly discussed returns from the outset, or asked directly, your D should have acted appreciative and grateful. That’s a step up in expectation from “not rude.” </p>
<p>I would not act or be insulted, but wouldn’t go overboard to make your “mistakes” up to her, either. Next year you can and should probably do it differently, ie a gift card, no surprises, IOU for a shopping trip etc., but for now I would have let her handle any returns. I thought all the gifts were meant to fit in her carry on?</p>
<p>I cannot buy gifts for my daughter that she would like. I have NEVER bought her clothes or jewelry she would wear. I buy them for her to let her know I’m thinking of her. Usually, I or she returns them (we don’t keep track of how or who does it as long as it’s done) and she orders something she likes more within the same price range. I absolutely don’t want her with gifts she doesn’t like if there is something she would like more. Is there perhaps some underlying issues besides just gifts?</p>
<p>A couple years ago, my (now 21yo) D told me, “Mom. Don’t. Buy. Clothes. For. Me. EVER. AGAIN.” Message received. We have a big family and don’t spend much on gifts. We rarely return anything, but I have been disappointed when I don’t see my boys (17,19,24) wearing shirts I bought them. This year, I took 21yo D shopping with me so she could choose shirts/sweaters for her brothers. She picked out 2 for each to go with their very different styles/coloring. They really like and have worn them all–I’m sorry I didn’t have her start doing the Christmas shopping years ago. </p>
<p>In general, if my kids don’t like a gift? Tough. Just be polite, don’t complain, pass it on to someone who can use it. No do-overs.</p>
<p>What is the matter with links to the gifts the kids want? Mine send those and DH and I look at them, decide what we want to buy, hit the link, and voila we buy it. For the kid who loves far away…if it doesn’t fit into the bag, we have it sent directly to his home.</p>
<p>This year, DD gave us an extensive list from which to choose. DS gave us very little…so we have cash, and bought things we hoped he would enjoy. If he doesn’t like them, he can exchange them…but really…Penzeys spices, coffee, and a French press are not exactly onerous gifts.</p>
<p>As an FYI, I personally can NOT wear cashmere…I love how it looks but it makes my skin crawl. Having said that, I would quietly return the gift well after the holiday.</p>
<p>tpt mentioned another habit of mine. I buy my son a sweater from a store where I know his size and style, and same for s/o. each of them wore the sweaters the next day. I don’t consider these big gifts, as quite safe. The Star Trek pez, candy, are easy. My friends and adult relatives have decided to stop giving gifts to each other. I think this happened when my cousin and I gave each other the same CD. When birthdays, we take each other out to dinner.</p>
<p>Other gifts I gave, like slogan t-shirts, will probably go to Goodwill. Next year, will stick to Pinot.</p>
<p>I think it goes without saying that an unsolicited critique of a gift someone gives you is not gracious behavior , even if there is gratitude for the effort itself. The OP may simply want her D to be aware of that.</p>
<p>I will often buy my kids things with the stipulation that they can or should be returned if they aren’t right, but that wasn’t the case here.</p>
<p>I am really sorry for the OP. This child sounds like a total brat who hurts her loving mom without thought. Take it all back and give her nothing. I think the donation to charity already mentioned is a good idea.</p>
<p>As my daughter hit her late teens we reached a point where it was obvious that I just didn’t get her likes and dislikes any longer. There was a difference between the JCrew shirt that I thought she would like and the JCrew shirt that she actually would enjoy wearing. She was always polite but I came to see that it was silly to give her something that was not what she really wanted. SO, now during the year she sends me the occasional link to something that she truly wants and I use those suggestions for birthdays and Christmas, filling in with a book or video that I actually pick out and surprise her with. </p>
<p>It was an adjustment (for me) but now everyone is happy and it saves her/me the hassle of returning unwanted presents.</p>
<p>I’m a little surprised at how many have trouble buying what their older kids like. A few well-placed questions are all you need to get ideas, sizes, colors, brands, etc. That and observing your kids when they’re around. I can’t think of a thing my mother ever bought me that I wanted to return, and I don’t mean just clothes. And my kids all wear/use their gifts that day or the next every year. </p>
<p>I’m not bragging-I’m genuinely curious as to how it happens that there are so many missteps. My H also puts a lot of thought into the gifts he gives his extended family. I know he’s successful since they wear or display the things he gets. His “best gift ever” to a nephew-in-law was a zombie apocalypse tee shirt. I don’t get it, wouldn’t wear, barely wanted to even spend money on it. The kid loves it, wears it all the time. WE knew he likes zombies-knew his size-done. It’s really not that hard from where I sit.</p>
<p>BUT…sorry sseamom, didnt you say that you could not imagine anyone not wanting a cashmere sweater? And a few of us raised our hands! </p>
<p>Maybe you have just lucked out in by being surrounded by those who share your tastes? Or they are sweet enough to not make you aware of your own miss steps? Take my sister— convinced that she has a lock on classic clothes that “everyone” likes. She is crushed if you hint at displeasure, so all of the “classics” are squirreled away in the closet and later given charity.The only one in my family who is always dead on with clothing size, color, and style is H. And that’s only because he is a professional clothing stylist who is payed to shop for others. HIS problem is that he shops for the wealthy and his budget is out of proportion to our own reality. Typical H comment: “But honey, THAT’S how much shirts cost!” ($598) So I rarely let him roam about town with a credit card.</p>
<p>Sseamom…I honestly can’t think of a surprise present my mom gave me that I wanted to KEEP. For the last 20 years of my moms life, we shopped for christmas together…on thanksgiving weekend. She would tell me what she had in mind and we would pick it out together. I have nice dinnerware, clocks, coffee/sofa tables, paintings, and a few articles of clothing we picked out together. We had polar opposite tastes in everything. But shopping together was fun.</p>
<p>sseamom - I consider myself a pretty observant person and think that I’ve picked out the perfect item for D and I even get excited and can’t wait till she opens it. But, invariably it’s a miss. She’s not mean about it or anything, I can just tell that there is a lack of excitement about the clothing/jewelry. I just include the sales slip and assure her that it can be taken back. Yes, I do ask about style, brand, color etc. I have no trouble with my son, I just think D is picky which is fine.</p>
<p>I usually always like the gifts my mom gets me, but last year didn’t work out so well… I don’t think she knew what to get me,I’d just graduated and didn’t need or particularly want anything but work clothes, and my sister talked her into a lot of clothes that I wasn’t comfortable wearing. I don’t think she would have felt any better no matter how appreciative I tried to seem, she always beats herself up about gifts. But, normally, she does really well whether I manage to come up with any ideas for her or not. I can tell she is getting more stressed out about it the older we get, though, and I wish she would relax. It makes me feel bad. :(</p>
<p>Wow…I’m sorry she hurt your feelings like that. Only time I’d ever dream of asking for a receipt for a return is if I needed a clothing-esque gift in a different size (which happens a lot – I’m a lot taller and skinnier than my parents remember me in high school). But wow…er… send her a note that says you love her along. Have you considered having a heart-to-heart with your daughter about how this makes you feel so it doesn’t happen again and/or she doesn’t eventually teach her children the same thing?</p>
<p>When my mom wore a new outfit to her bridge group, the gals would ask her if gift from me (her taste was that bad). When she wanted my dad to wear some nice outfit, she’d call me to come over to “review”. Even he never trusted her “taste”. </p>
<p>When I was still in middle school, my dad had a patient from NY garment district, who invited the folks to come shop. My dad picked out 3 dresses for me. They had leather or suede trim, fit me perfectly, so sophisticated, and I wore them to dealth. </p>
<p>One anecdote about my wonderful mom (great in everything but clothes). She bought my sister and I robes. My sis’s was navy, mine was bright orange/red. We found them prior to being wrapped. Never letting on that we had been snooping, sis and I had conversation about colors and taste. When Hanukah came, and we opened our boxes with robes, we both had navy robes!!! I never told my mom when she was alive, but how wonderful of her to return my robe for the lovely navy robe. I wore that robe all thru college and beyond.</p>
<p>I never wanted or expected surprise gifts from the folks, but I sure do miss them.</p>
<p>I DID say that about cashmere sweaters, but I get that not everyone would want one. They do seem nice and classic and timeless-I see them on young, old, thin, heavy-in so many colors. The irony is, I don’t have any myself, but the teenager has several. I guess I was thinking one might not be a favorite but might come in handy as they are so classic and neutral. </p>
<p>But above someone said maybe my kids share MY tastes-that’s the exact OPPOSITE of how I shop-I shop for THEIR tastes. <em>I</em> personally don’t see the charm of a toggle coat, but D does, so that’s one of the things I got her. I don’t care for those bright colored Ugg style boots, but both D’s were drooling over them, so when they went on sale-I got them each a pair. </p>
<p>But maybe Hunt is right-some people just don’t have the knack or care to go to such lengths to figure out the “right” gifts. If it suits you and your family to work from a specific list or take the person with you, then go for it.</p>
<p>I think that what is at issue is how much we invest emotionally in a gift to those we love. Honestly it takes a lot more than a request for a receipt to hurt my feelings. I really could care less. I just can not see knotting my emotions up over clothing. It’s only stuff.</p>
And a few of us raised our hands! </p>