<p>Do men experience any of this? Do they choose gifts other than ones that they are told what to get? Are they hurt if or when a surprise is not well received?</p>
<p>I am so enjoying these responses. It’s so great to hear what everyone has to say. </p>
<p>I should have known when I bought my D and my MIL both a cashmere sweater. Not the same demographic lol! </p>
<p>I’m truly fine. I was feeling bad but I love that there are so many opinions.</p>
<p>I have a S and H who are not picky. As long as they don’t have to go shopping and you get something close to what they like they will wear it. I bought S an outfit from Banana Republic and he liked it. But he hates to shop and is not picky.</p>
<p>My 2 BIL’s are both really picky. You could buy them something that looks exactly like something the own and it will sit in the closet. Who knows why. </p>
<p>Mostly I am mourning how things used to be. D wasn’t home at thanksgiving and she came home for a short time at Christmas. Next year I’ll have her send me links to what she wants and maybe have them sent to her. Things change but it’s still sad.</p>
<p>I think that is the key question deb, “Who knows why?” I am getting to the point where I really question all the time and effort women put into gift giving when the results are so random.</p>
<p>I think some people are also more naturally visually perceptive than others. I’m sure it’s a function for some of interest or lack thereof, but there is probably an inherent ability to discriminate between similarities and differences of color, shape and pattern. </p>
<p>Some people think all solid V neck sweaters are interchangeable, while others notice subtle differences in tailoring, fit etc. There are people who are great at looking through the racks and finding things and others who are easily overwhelmed.</p>
<p>Cashmere sweaters (since we are mentioning them) are great, but there are some I won’t wear, just as with any other kind of sweater. The cut and the fit have to be right.</p>
<p>But I’d still say thank you and handle any returns on my own.</p>
<p>it still can be hit or miss. My VBF frequently commented on how worn out my wallet was. She bought me Gucci wallet, which is still perfect. She bought the worm a Burberry jacket, which he wears 4 years later, a very good sign of his “like” of the gift. I was helping her shop for a watch, and she’d point out various silver hoop earrings. Then, my favorite turned out to be my gift. Another year, she bought the worm a wallet.</p>
<p>Recently, the worm and I both received wallets from newish person in our lives. Quietly, I whispered to him, “just nod and smile”. Neither of us got something we would ever use, but it was nice he could share with me how he felt receiving an expensive gift that was far too big to use, but was not returnable. This was an opportunity to discuss gift-giving, and how each person’s feelings can be hurt.</p>
<p>Anybody who would buy me a cashmere sweater doesn’t know me very well. If they did know me, they would be aware of my deep resentment of garments that have to be dry cleaned.</p>
<p>I second that thought, Marian! If it has to be dry cleaned, I don’t want it and I don’t think my college student D would either! </p>
<p>A large part of the problem with buying women’s clothing is that it is so NON-standard. You can be one size at one store and a totally different size somewhere else. Even two pairs of pants at the same store, but of a different cut, can fit so differently. My D saw an adorable shirt at The Limited while we were shopping Saturday (returning her other things and spending her gift cards!). She tried it on and it looked awful on her. The cut was odd and not flattering on her. She purchased a cardigan for herself online and when it came, it is really loose at the bottom, but tighter at the top. It was really cute so I tried it on and it looked equally hideous on me, even though we have very different body types. I often wish our pants were like men pants… waist size, inseam size and it is very standard from there!</p>
<p>I have lots of cashmere and I never dry clean it.
That wrecks it.
Its a shame to deny yourself something wonderful because you arent sure how to take care of it.
[The</a> Laundress - Caring for your cashmere](<a href=“http://www.thelaundress.com/laundrytips/cashmere.asp]The”>How To Clean and Preserve Precious Wool & Cashmere At Home – The Laundress)</p>
<p>EK-my mother never dry cleaned anything. Most everything could be washed on delicate and laid out or hung to dry. Rare items needed handwashing. Nothing was ever ruined. She came from NYC and dry cleaning seemed to be a way of life there but she was a penny pincher like you wouldn’t believe. But a lot of the clothes today have directions for home washing. It’s about time.</p>
<p>BTW-Your D wins for the coolest, most personal, least likely to be stuffed in a drawer gift ever. I don’t use mason jars, I don’t watch Dr. Who (?) I don’t knit, and wouldn’t put a knitted sweater thing on my water bottle if I did, but boy, that would be an awesome gift for someone who likes all of those things. It’s so special and sweet, worth a dozen cashmere sweaters.</p>
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<p>Actually, I think this is the real issue - and I know exactly how you feel!</p>
<p>sseamom=I think that either your relatives are polite or that you have made a few hits that the misses aren’t standing out for you. I doubt every gift give is a hit.</p>
<p>I don’t do Cashmere either.</p>
<p>Gift receipts are wonderful :D</p>
<p>I have a sister that has returned or exchanged every gift she has ever gotten (or at least 99% of them). Either it’s the wrong color, wrong size, she doesn’t like it, she wants something different, etc. Then people just starting giving her gift cards or cash, then she got mad because they didn’t spend the time picking out something she would like—yes, we secretly call her “the princess” :D.</p>
<p>My DD and I go out shopping on Black Friday. She picked out everything she wanted and then even wrapped them when we got home. She used to not tell me when she didn’t like something and when we would clean out the closets at some point there would be all these lovely clothes with the tags still on them. She didn’t like to hurt my feelings but I hate wasting money more than almost anything so she is finally telling me when she doesn’t like something. I did get her a few things for her apartment that she likes, spices from Penzey’s were her favorite which surprised me. Having her buy her own things takes a lot of the fun out of it but at least I know she will use them and like them.</p>
<p>One thing I have noticed with DD, who is still a teenager, is that unless it is super cute, if I say I like it before she sees it, she won’t like it. I just keep pointing out ugly things at the store and ignore the things I like. She usually ends up buying the things I like:D. When we are dress shopping or something like that, I just make her try on things that she thinks she won’t like but I know will look great on her. She didn’t have anything to wear to Christmas Mass so we went out and got something. Found a really cute red sweater dress, perfect for her. She gave me the, um, well…thing. Made her try it on, sold :D. Same with her formal she had to get a few months ago. She kept leaning toward prom style dresses–not an event for a frilly dress. Picked out a couple more sophisticated dresses. Once she got it on and her eyes returned to her head after seeing how great it looked on her, sold :D.</p>
<p>EmeraldKitty,</p>
<p>As much as I hate dry cleaning, I can’t begin to imagine going through that process to clean a sweater, especially not in a college dorm.</p>
<p>Taking up a sink in a shared bathroom while a sweater “soaks”? Taking up precious floor space (that’s also precious to your roommate), to block and lay out a sweater, spending money on different kinds of laundry detergent for different kinds of clothing? Sorry, but no.</p>
<p>Having said that, I think there’s a happy medium between never returning an item, and rejecting every single gift. I have trouble imagining not being able to find any occasion to wear yoga pants and a work out shirt. To bed? As an underlayer? When actually working out? I also don’t understand letting it be known you covet something and then asking for it to be returned.</p>
<p>this is what gift receipts are for! In OPs case, since you’d have to send things, I would just return the gifts and give her the money. I wouldn’t keep the money for myself. Things are sometimes too expensive these days to just say “send it to Goodwill if you don’t like it” or just stuff in the closet to never wear or use. It’s better to be upfront and get the money back. It is disappointing to work on buying gifts and not get the happy reaction you expected. I try not to buy clothes much because it’s always a sure return–I just go shopping with the kids and let them buy what they want or need (with limits!)
Otherwise I only shop in stores with easy return.</p>
<p>" I think there’s a happy medium between never returning an item, and rejecting every single gift. I have trouble imagining not being able to find any occasion to wear yoga pants and a work out shirt."</p>
<p>This where I am-it didn’t sound like the mom had a long history of picking the wrong things-surely she’d know if the D wore yoga pants (my younger one does to hang out, to bed, to dance, to do yoga at home, and her older sister wears them around the house.). I KNOW this because I’ve SEEN them. Unless the D wanted some special brand (lululimon or something) that she simply can’t live without, I don’t get it. And I REALLY don’t get ASKING for a specific piece of luggage and then deciding, nope, wrong one.</p>
<p>SteveMA-no, my gifts are generally worn or used by the recipient, that’s how I know I do a good job. You have to understand, growing up it was a family tradition at Christmas to plan gifts that the person would actually like and want. We developed a kind of code speak to discuss ideas with the others while the person was in the room. To this day the next generation calls it “Lastname speak”. It’s never been about the money, the cache of a certain brand or whether it’s “in season”. It’s about the person and their likes and dislikes-like Emerald’s D water jar cozy. That’s why for years my mother had a stuffed pterodactyl hanging in the dining room. It didn’t cost us much, but it WAS her favorite gift of the year.</p>
<p>This year, the kids received cash. The whole family went on a big shopping expedition to the mall, the Sunday evening before Christmas. We had a great time! The mall was busy but not packed.</p>
<p>One kid spent all the money, the second spent half, and the third didn’t spend any! It was interesting to observe their shopping styles.</p>
<p>Silly Christmas gift story…kiddos know how sappy I am and how each one means to me and how desperately sad I was when they each went far, far, far away for college. So when each returned for Christmas from said colleges my gift under the tree was a paper, project or in D2’s and S2’s case a bound thesis. All were graded (mostly A’s) but a piece of them and what they were doing while away from home.</p>
<p>Son’s thesis had been bound and a copy of his advisors comments and remarks included with it. Making it even more memorable was the advisor then be awarded the nobel prize for the same research. A gift I will cherish for the rest of my life. All our sacrifices were actually tangible, something I could touch and cry over.</p>
<p>Two Christmas ago I purchased son’s stethescope for med school (in the hopes he would get in, saved up all my pennies!) and he wrapped up and put under the tree not his aceptance letter but his scholarship awarding him a tuition scholie for med school with a lovely thank you to me for helping him get this far but he’s got it from here on out. Bawled like a baby…how he kept that one a secret from me from October til 12/25 is beyond me but he did it.</p>
<p>This year they each ordered an ornament from their respective schools (undergrad and grad) and had their names, grad years and a thank you mom engraved on each one. so my tree has several school logos hanging from the branches. They know how very sad I was while they were gone.</p>
<p>As far as their gifts they ransack our home pretty frequently and often times what they are looking for has already been removed by another sibling. I make note and try to find them a “better one” come Christmas. Too bad they don’t want all the left over ace bandages from all their athletic injuries from years past!</p>
<p>We never had much disposable income so Christmas gifts were mostly items they really needed. It is only recently we have been able to exchange gifts that would be “wanted”. Son borrowed my watch too many times to count (I “had” an older seiko military men’s watch) which found its way into his stocking this year. My favorite backpack ended up on younger son’s back and my worn favorite jean jacket is now in my middle daughter’s closet (she manages to find a way to wear it everyday).</p>
<p>I figure I will just keep picking things I love and they will eventually find their way into my children’s sticky fingers!</p>
<p>Kat</p>
<p>Well, as I have already indicated, we do not celebrate Christmas but I do enjoy giving my girls gifts for birthdays and “just because”. For older d’s recent birthday, I gave her something from Museum of Modern Art Design Store that I knew she always had wanted and while there, I bought something new to their inventory that I thought she would like-a set of nesting serving bowls with unusual shape as well as relatively inexpensive Kate Spade earrings she had shown me once that she admired in Lord & Taylor. She was thrilled with gift one, is having second thoughts about gifts two as apparently the dimensions of the bowls are not what she would really use, and loves gift three but hasn’t worn yet. I am not insulted about gift two… you have to know your customer. I cannot buy clothes for either of my two without their input as they are both really picky. If you are picky about the dimensions of a nesting bowl from the MOMA store, what can you expect?
With younger d, I just surprised her with Smitten Kitchen Cookbook which she loved as I know she reads that blog. I also just added a Shakespeare book to my shopping cart that I thought she would be interested in and will give her at some point or another… as I followed a lively discussion on one of my educational list-servs about resources for Shakespeare beyond the plays.</p>
<p>“Never let your ego get so close to your position that when your position goes, your ego goes with it.” - Colin Powell</p>
<p>… some would do well to read this advice replacing “position” with “present”</p>
<p>if someone doesn’t like a present, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. It literally just means they would have preferred something else.</p>
<p>my family exchanges lists… and there are some smaller other things thrown in.</p>