I'm a Mess! Can We Talk About the Empty Nest Syndrome?

Parent Cafe
501

Except for Skype, when my daughter heads back to the USA on Monday, we won’t get to see her again until May or June. I have enjoyed having her here so much. It has been fun taking her to all of her favorite places, making her favorite meals, etc. None of her close high school friends are here now, and they are spread all over the US anyway, so we have had her to ourselves. Even this week when my husband and I are getting up early to go to work, she is also getting up to hang out and have coffee and toast before we leave. I have been trying to pack her brain with all kinds of advice about making good choices now that she has her first significant other–hopefully like perfectly cooked pasta the advice will stick!

I can see that she is very excited to go back. Her luggage is half packed already, her box of things to be mailed is packed, ready to be taped up and labeled. I want her to be excited, because that does make coping with distance and any homesickness far easier.

I did take the whole day off Monday to take her to the airport even though it would only take half a day to get the task done. I will be in no shape to head to work after dropping her off. But, for her, I will try my best to hide my feelings until after we leave her at security.

502

Instead of hiding your feelings, how about at least some disclosure: “It was great having you here. I’m going to miss you. But I’m so glad to see that you’re excited to return to school.”

503

Yes, I have shared those words, but not the tears that I keep choking down, that once I let loose might take some effort to stop. I would rather have that cry by myself. I want her to feel free to experience her joy and not feel guilty about it.

504

D and I were hanging out and watching TV last night like the good old days, when I told her how much I would miss this. She said it’s too bad she couldn’t be cloned since she wanted to be both home and back at school. I’m driving her (4 hours) on Saturday and already dreading the empty house when I return.

505

This thread makes me feel as if something must be wrong with me. We put our son on the plane back to school this past weekend and I felt just as fine about that as I did when I brought him to school back in September! I’ve never shed a tear about him going, never wished he could stay longer, and never felt like anything was missing from my life while he was gone. In fact I can’t help but feel that everything is going according to plan and it’s all good! Isn’t the range of feelings among us interesting? We’re all experiencing the same event–our child going off to college–yet it is hitting us very differently! :slight_smile:

506

Well, I can add, that it hit me differently at two different points in my life.

I started my family early and always looked forward to the parts of the summer they spent with their dad, and was happy to “resume” life when they flew the coop.

Not very long after, I became legal guardian of a toddler. I didn’t hesitate to take on the responsibility, although I have to admit to occasional feelings of watching my “freedom” slip away.

Fast forward 15 years…these have been the most fulfilling years of my life and I feel like I was a better parent than ever before, my youngest and I have a great relationship…now the nest is really and permanently empty and it hits me hard.

Nothing is more meaningful to me than time spent with my family. Through the years we have all, in various assortments and arrangements, spent a lot of time together and traveled together frequently. Without meaning to, I didn’t cultivate other interests and people. I was pretty well fully engaged as a working, middle-aged single parent of a young child!

Parenting a young child when my peers were retiring kept me somewhat out of the loop (I live in an area where older parents are rare). I stayed here many years because of job, parental duties, proximity to the kids’ other parent and siblings, etc.

It will get better, I know. I’m already planning my escape. I have done all the things that are supposed to increase your social life without much success. I know part of it just that I’m a bit of an oddball living in too small of an area. I’ve done various volunteer work which I have enjoyed tremendously, but no actual friendships have evolved from it.

Well this isn’t meant to be a sob story. It is hard for me now, but I have many blessings that I am thankful for. My main point was that not only can different people react differently, but even the same person can react differently at different times (or dare we admit, depending on the child leaving).

507

I totally agree that we all react differently at different times too. We are older parents who were married for 15+ years before we had a child, and due to my own pregnancy impairment we are very fortunate that she actually made it to this planet. Then, as luck would have it, she has been a absolute pleasure to raise. I am so excited for the opportunity that she earned herself for a college education, very proud of how well she is doing academically and at handling being on her own in the US, and most of the time I am far happier about where she is than sad about missing her.

By the nature of our situation overseas, we have stayed long, while most of our American friends have come and gone after a relatively shorter time. As a result, the three of us are especially close. When she is away, there is a silence, a space, that takes some getting used to. But it’s still all good, life is going along as planned–if not better than planned in a lot of ways. But, I am still sad to see her go after the weekend.

The whole range of emotions is perfectly normal.

508

I called in sick yesterday so that I could spend one last complete day with my son. I want his memories of home to include the smell of bacon in the morning, a Reuben, chips, dill pickle and a cold beer for lunch,and home-make bread pretzels for a traveling snack. I think I’ll do this every time. Life is a one trip salad bar.

509

I rescheduled all my patients for one day, to be with son. We went to the Japanese gardens, ate lunch there, then drove to airport. It was lovely.

510

awwwwww :x

511

Just turned back to this group for support after many months of being away. It is comforting to hear everyones experiences and makes me feel not so alone. Had to put my daughter on the plane back to school this am. She won’t be home again until mid-July b/c she is heading abroad right after her last final. I am excited for her, but feeling so very sad right now!! So far, it hasn’t gotten easier with each good bye. I am hoping it gradually does!

512

Hang in there @kidsrexpensive. I am not looking forward to the airport drop off on Monday. It has been so wonderful to have her here for 3+ weeks. I really enjoy the adult that my daughter is becoming. It’s all good though, she needs to go back, and we need to stay here for now because we have a commitment and in reality what we have done here has made what she is doing possible. We all understand that. Still, the tears are under the surface.

513

It’s harder to watch them leave rather than drop them off at school. When my one son drives out of the driveway, we are waving then walk back into the house like 2 lonely people…I hate that!! When we drop them off at the dorm, hug and watch them go in…we get a surge of happiness before our ride back home. Somehow that is easier.

514

I am so proud of how well she has handled everything on her own. She has a whole life now that is separate and private from us. It is fun to get to peek into a bit for a few weeks. I miss the kid, am amazed by the emerging adult. Thank goodness for the communication technology of today.

Also, someone said up thread that they now appreciate what they put their own mom through. Last summer she basically told me that she still finds it hard every year when we return to our overseas location. Sorry mom.

515

I had the two older kids home for 2 weeks - it was amazing to all be together for so long. The down side, it only takes me a few days to feel like having everyone home is “normal” and then when it’s time for them to leave, I feel shocked! I let my H take my S to the train alone- I was a crying fool as he was leaving and didn’t feel he needed an hour of that nonsense to make him feel bad about leaving. I also took off a day to spend the last day with my D.

Is there a thread about being more of a parent or more of a friend to your kids? I’ve been wondering lately if my emotional responses to my kids’ leaving - and to other issues or difficulties they have - is because I feel like we’re close friends. Or maybe I have always been too emotionally wired.

516

@psychmomma, I think it’s entirely normal to have these emotional responses to your kids’ departures. They are separate individuals, certainly, but they also are literally part of you. One quotation about being a parent: “It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

517

My problem is, it is not empty and it should be!

518

For those of you having kids going back to school you should make a special plan that you can look forward to after they leave so that you don’t feel sad. Maybe lunch out with some other empty nester parents or a spa day or a trip without the kids. Just something to look forward to after they leave. Start thinking about what goals you have for yourself this year or what hobbies you want to pursue.

519

OMG @rosered55, that quote is exactly how I feel! And it is exciting and painful at the same time.

520

That’s a perfect quote.